Laura Charanza Of Out of the Dark On 5 Things You Need To Know To Survive And Thrive After A Divorce
An Interview With Fotis Georgiadis
Heal. Healing is the most critical step during and after a divorce. The person who hurt you isn’t coming back to fix things. You must take responsibility for your healing.
As part of our series about the “5 Things You Need To Know To Survive And Thrive After A Divorce Or Breakup” I had the pleasure of interviewing Laura Charanza.
Laura Charanza is a survivor of forty years of narcissistic abuse, first from a parent then a husband. Laura’s mission now is to help other men and women recover from toxic relationships. Her online courses and coaching programs help others not only survive but thrive.
Thank you so much for doing this with us! Before we dig in, our readers would like to ‘get to know you’. Can you tell us a bit about how you grew up?
I grew up in a small town in Arkansas. My parents have been married 52 years, and I have a younger brother who still lives in that beautiful state. He is married with four great kids. I was one of the first in my family to get divorced, but most of my family members were very supportive.
Can you tell us a story about what brought you to this specific career path?
I realized my quintessential family wasn’t so perfect after all when I realized I had married a narcissist. I began to uncover why I had made unhealthy choices in relationships my entire life, from friends to lovers to work colleagues. I discovered I had been raised by a narcissist, so naturally a relationship with a narcissist is where I felt comfortable and that’s what felt “normal” to me. There is little that is healthy about any connection with a narcissist. Narcissism is a mental health disorder, and most narcissists don’t change. These toxic people tend to control those close to them and harbor a sense of entitlement and superiority. The most toxic trait is that they have low empathy or lack it altogether.
Can you share the most interesting story that happened to you since you started this career?
I met my spiritual recovery coach, Rebecca Lynn Pope. She changed my life, and I feel like I owe everything to her. We worked through all my “stuff” from an abusive childhood and marriage. Rebecca encouraged me to write my story in 2018, so I did. My intention was to help one person. I published my first book, Ugly Love; A Survivor’s Story of Narcissistic Abuse in October 2018, and the book became an instant #1 Best Seller on Amazon.
Can you share a story about the funniest mistake you made when you were first starting? Can you tell us what lesson you learned from that?
My son, now 16, had to teach me how to use YouTube, TikTok, and Instagram. He was 13 at the time and got a huge kick out of mom’s inability to learn social media on her own.
Do you have a favorite “Life Lesson Quote”? Do you have a story about how that was relevant in your life or your work?
I have been so fortunate to work with Rebecca Lynn Pope and recently, Dr. Dharius Daniels. He is a transformational coach, author, and pastor. Dr. Daniels has also changed my life in the last year, as well as my colleagues in his mastermind group. The quote that sticks out the most is about our generational strongholds: “If it still has hold of you, it likely didn’t come from you.”
A second quote from Dr. Daniels that resonates with me today is “Fear makes you prophesize the wrong outcome.” I often get in my head and overthink my future, instead of enjoying today and celebrating what has happened so far. Where your mind goes is where you go!
Are you working on any exciting new projects now? How do you think that will help people?
I had a YouTube channel with a psychologist for three years. We had half a million followers. It was difficult to part ways, but I recently left to start my own mission to help others. My channel is called “Out of the Dark; Transformational Knowledge for Survivors.” Thanks to my son, I have also started a TikTok under the same name.
Ok. Thank you for that. Let’s now shift to the main part of our discussion. Can you tell us a bit about your experience going through a divorce, or helping someone who was going through a divorce? What did you learn about yourself during and after the experience? Do you feel comfortable sharing a story?
Divorce is one of the most difficult things any person can go through.
Life as you know it comes to an end. Sometimes it isn’t so much the relationship that has ended, but it’s the dream you had for a family. I wanted the white picket fence, a loving husband, two kids, a few dogs, and even a goldfish or two. I ended up with my greatest gift, my son, and a temporary broken heart.
The biggest lesson I learned that I want to share with others is that you WILL KNOW when it’s time to leave your marriage. I was looking out the kitchen window and watching my sweet son play in the backyard with a friend on a gorgeous Sunday afternoon in May 2013. My husband saw me responding to work emails on my laptop, and he snidely asked, “What are you doing? Emailing all your boyfriends?”
I calmly shut my computer and said, “You can leave now. Get out.” At my core, I knew whatever came after this abusive marriage couldn’t be any worse than what I had been through (verbal abuse, gaslighting, silent treatments, double standards, stealing, lying, suspected infidelity on his part, and an affair on mine).
In your opinion, what are the most common mistakes people make after they go through a divorce? What can be done to avoid that?
If you are going through a divorce, give yourself time to grieve. Let the emotions flow. One day will feel relieved and the next day you may not be able to get out of bed. Resist the urge to stay on autopilot or the desire to immediately jump into another relationship.
If you were in a toxic relationship, you’ll need to give yourself longer to recover. You need to break the trauma bonds, which are unhealthy bods we develop with an abuser. We become addicted to the highs of the relationship, like heroin, and we suffer the lows, like withdrawal, just to reach the high again. We must stop that cycle. Therapy and coaching can really help with that.
People generally label “divorce” as being “negative”. And yes, while there are downsides, there can also be a lot of positive that comes out of it as well. What would you say that they are? Can you share an example or share a story?
I am the best version of myself that I have ever been, and I hear that from many divorce survivors. You get to know yourself again: your likes, your dislikes, and your passions. You can redefine yourself in a way that makes you happy.
Some people are scared to ‘get back out there’ and date again after being with their former spouse for many years and hearing dating horror stories. What would you say to motivate someone to get back out there and start a new beginning?
Date when you feel like you have done most of your healing work. Healing isn’t linear and continues throughout life, but there is a point where you tell yourself, “I think I am okay. This isn’t so bad.” That is the best time to start dating. Hurt people hurt people. Healthy people attract healthy people.
What is the one thing people going through a divorce should be open to changing?
Be open to changing how you view the world. You will lose people you thought were your friends, yet you’ll gain others as friends that you never knew would get your back. It’s refreshing and a great way to start over. Embrace what an adventure life can be!
Ok, here is the main question of our discussion. If you had a close friend come to you for advice after a divorce, what are 5 things you would advise in order to survive and thrive after the divorce? Can you please give a story or example for each?
- Allow yourself to grieve. The emotions want and need to surface, so permit yourself to let them out. If necessary, schedule a time for grieving. Work and home life can get in the way, and you don’t want to unintentionally erupt when it could hurt your job performance or children. Foregoing the grieving process can set up roadblocks and guarantee disaster for future relationships. The five stages of grief you will go through are denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. These are a part of the framework that makes up our learning to live without the person we once loved. Divorce is an emotional minefield for most people going through it. For example, someone may find themselves relieved and smiling one day, then distraught and crying the next. The complexity of feelings to process can be overwhelming, but there are ways to survive and set yourself up for your best life yet. However, grieving isn’t linear, so you may move from one stage to the next then back two steps. There is no roadmap or correct way to grieve. There’s an adage that says grieving is personal. And it is. Everyone grieves differently. The point is to let your grief out. Foregoing the grieving process can set up roadblocks and guarantee disaster for future relationships.
- Give yourself grace. One of the most challenging things to do after a divorce is to forgive yourself. You are not a failure. In 2021, the divorce rate fell to 11% on average in the United States. However, the number of marriages decreased significantly. Understand that you are not alone. Sometimes when a relationship disintegrates, the downfall can be attributed more to one partner than the other. But, many times, the relationship just didn’t work. These are two people that don’t need to experience life together for the rest of their lives. Marriages can have expiration dates. One or both partners may mature or change, and expectations evolve with that. Don’t chastise yourself. Learn what you can from the divorce and move on.
- Heal. Healing is the most critical step during and after a divorce. The person who hurt you isn’t coming back to fix things. You must take responsibility for your healing. There are many ways to heal, and there is no right way. Options for healing include but aren’t limited to therapy, life coaching, spiritual healing, divorce classes, books, videos, and more. Those who heal the quickest use a combination of modalities that they find helpful. You get out of healing what you invest in it.
- Don’t isolate. It’s easy to sit at home and watch sad movies, eat ice cream, and mourn what was. Sure, that’s okay for a time. But the more you isolate, the more you stay in your head and open yourself up to alcohol or drug abuse to “just get through tonight.” Instead, make yourself get out and see friends or invite them over. Integrate yourself into society once again. You will need to be careful not to overdo socializing. Sometimes being around many people can soothe your soul, but you aren’t processing what you need to process. Find the best scenario for you.
- Wait to date. Some therapists tell clients not to date for a year or more. However, you know yourself best. If isolation makes you depressed and suicidal, get out there when you feel strong enough. Be careful not to jump immediately into a relationship because many people carry their problems with them. Those who seem to have the healthiest relationships after a divorce are those who waited until they felt “ready,” stronger, and healed. Hurt people hurt people, especially when dating too quickly after a divorce. You can find true, unconditional love your second or third time around. Everyone deserves that. You deserve that. By following the guidelines above, you give yourself the best chance to have it.
You can find Laura’s video and YouTube channel here: https://youtu.be/Kh1RBJH7nmI
The stress of a divorce takes a toll on both one’s mental and emotional health. In your opinion or experience, what are a few things people going through a divorce can do to alleviate this pain and anguish?
It helps to develop a network of friends who have been through a divorce. Most men and women who have been through this life-changing ordeal are happy to help others navigate their emotions and a new way of life.
Do you have any favorite books, podcasts, or resources related to this topic that you would recommend to our readers?
Of course, if you’ve been in a toxic marriage, check out my resources on YouTube, Instagram, and TikTok under “Out of the Dark.” Also, my book, Ugly Love, is available at Amazon and on other retail sites worldwide.
Other books I found helpful where Why Does He Do That? By Dr. Lundy Bancroft, Should I Stay or Should I Go?” by Dr. Lundy Bancroft, and Never Go Back by Dr. Henry Cloud.
Because of the position that you are in, you are a person of great influence. If you could inspire a movement that would bring the most amount of good to the most amount of people, what would that be? You never know what your idea can trigger. 🙂
We must let narcissists understand that we know your game. You cannot treat men and women like this any longer. The more education that is done to teach people about narcissism and toxic relationships, the more we stop these narcissists from hurting good people.
We are very blessed that very prominent leaders read this column. Is there a person in the world, or in the US with whom you would love to have a private breakfast or lunch and why? He or she might just see this if we tag them 🙂
Oh my gosh!!! I hope George and Barbara Bush see this column. I have always wanted to meet George W. Bush and his wife. I am amazed at his strength when it came to overcoming alcoholism, his courage when he guided our country through one of the greatest American tragedies, his effort to make his family the top priority, his love for dogs, and his relationship with God. (Is that enough? LOL.) Please tell him dinner is on me! I live just across town from the Bushes.
Thank you for these great insights and for the time you spent with this interview. We wish you only continued success!
It’s been my pleasure and my honor to be here.
Laura Charanza Of Out of the Dark On 5 Things You Need To Know To Survive And Thrive After A… was originally published in Authority Magazine on Medium, where people are continuing the conversation by highlighting and responding to this story.
