Women in STEM: “For a team to thrive you need to understand and embrace the differences” with Dr. Amira Val Baker and Fotis Georgiadis
For a team to thrive you need to understand and embrace the differences. We all have unique abilities and strengths, and these should be utilized to achieve the best results for the team objective. I love that meme of the people of various height standing in behind a fence, which presents this brilliantly.
As a part of my series featuring accomplished women in STEM, I had the pleasure of interviewing Dr. Amira Val Baker,a research scientist at Torus Tech laboratories and the Institute for Unified Science. Her work focuses on black holes from a unified physics perspective which sees black holes as the connecting factor between subatomic matter and cosmology. Amira graduated with an Msci in Astrophysics from UCL (University College London) where her Master thesis was on the modelling of UV irradiance levels and ozone layer depletion trends. She holds a PhD in Astrophysics from the Open University under the supervision of Dr Andrew Norton and on the topic of high-mass x-ray binary stars, neutron stars and black holes. As a scientist Amira has a deep passion for education developed through her work as a science tutor, teacher and coordinator in science education and publication with experience working at the Gatsby Science Enhancement Programme and the Royal Society Publishing.
Thank you so much for doing this with us! Can you tell us a story about what brought you to this specific career path?
From a young age I was always good at mathematics and used to ponder on the meaning of life and where we came from. A defining moment for me was when I was 4 years old and my grandfather died. Trying to comprehend what that meant I visualized him not existing, and then his house not existing, the town, the country, the world, the solar system and up and up until I couldn’t fathom any higher perspective. This sent chills down my spine and made me want to understand our existence. My dad helped nurture this by introducing me into the theories of Rupert Sheldrake, Roger Penrose and David Bohm. However, being a bit of a rebel, it was not at all obvious that I would go to university. This happened by a few fortuitous events which led me to taking physics class and then applying to study astrophysics at university.
Can you share the most interesting story that happened to you since you began at your company?
The most interesting story is the work that we get to do every day and the myriad of scientists, engineers and research collaborators that we work with. Science is the exploration of knowledge, and the emphasis should be exploration. At Torus Tech Laboratories and the Unified Science Institute, formerly the Hawaii Institute for Unified Physics, we follow a unified science approach which is centered on a common unifying element across all of the sciences. This interdisciplinary approach makes for never dull moment with continuous learning and exploration.
Can you share a story about the funniest mistake you made when you were first starting? Can you tell us what lesson you learned from that?
Mistakes are a part of life and an essential part of learning and developing as a human being. A lot of the mistakes I made at the beginning were mostly cultural and in hindsight quite funny. The lesson I learned and am still learning is not to take things personally.
What do you think makes your company stand out? Can you share a story?
What stands out about the company I work for is the fact that they think outside the box and they aren’t afraid to tackle the seemingly impossible challenges.
Are you working on any exciting new projects now? How do you think that will help people?
My work focuses on black holes from a unified perspective which sees black holes as the connecting factor between subatomic matter and cosmology. We have just published two papers, one on the vacuum catastrophe which addresses the 122 orders of magnitude discrepancy between the vacuum density at the quantum scale and that at the cosmological scale — and one on the nature of the electron. Both papers utilize the generalized holographic approach of Nassim Haramein, the director of research at Torus Tech Laboratories. This approach expands on the work of physicists David Bohm, Jacob Bekenstein and Stephen Hawking and starts by defining a fundamental bit of the Universe. When the energy of any spherical system is described in terms of these fundamental bits of information i.e. its entropy, we find a relationship between the surface entropy and the volume entropy. This holographic relationship between the interior and the exterior defines the mass expressed by the system at any given moment while the inverse defines mass-energy density of the system — or as described by David Bohm, the unfolded and the enfolded. This model is proving to have huge implications and our research efforts are continuing in this direction with a focus on proof of concept prototypes in the field of vacuum energy and related resonance energy technologies.
Are you currently satisfied with the status quo regarding women in STEM? What specific changes do you think are needed to change the status quo?
Being brought up in England with a very encouraging father and no perceivable equality issues at the schools, colleges and universities I attended, I have never had a strong opinion on this. However, since moving to the United States I can see it is a big issue here. I am not necessarily sure if it is a male female thing or a cultural thing, whatever it is though it toughens you up. To advance science we need the efforts of both the male and female mind, this is paramount and needs to be incorporated into our culture. Although I was fortunate to not experience this kind of negative prejudice, I am very aware that many women experience this and often times it results in them not pursuing their passion for science.
What advice would you give to other female leaders to help their team to thrive?
For a team to thrive you need to understand and embrace the differences. We all have unique abilities and strengths, and these should be utilized to achieve the best results for the team objective. I love that meme of the people of various height standing in behind a fence, which presents this brilliantly.
What advice would you give to other female leaders about the best way to manage a large team?
Communication is key. There needs to be a clear and transparent line of communication.
None of us are able to achieve success without some help along the way. Is there a particular person who you are grateful towards who helped get you to where you are? Can you share a story about that?
Every point in time is the accumulation of life’s ups and downs and the people who have helped us along the way. I have been very fortunate to receive guidance, inspiration and support from many people along the way. From my science teacher Mrs. Winter who took a chance with me when I had a 25% school attendance rate, to my physics teacher Mr. Witheridge who encouraged me and my math’s teacher Mrs. Dangerfield who supported me with my University application. Then of course my husband Ariffin who has continuously supported and encouraged me since we met in the final year of my master’s degree. As well the director of research Nassim Haramein, who gave me my current position in the first place. For the most part I have been the only female in the research team, so I am particularly grateful to now have the support of two amazing fellow female scientists, Dr. Ines Urdaneta and Dr Johanna Deinert, who have both recently joined us in our research efforts.
How have you used your success to bring goodness to the world?
If I achieve any success, then I would hope it brings goodness to the world. My objective is the search for truth — through the exploration of knowledge. Science is now proving what we have all known intuitively, that we are all connected through a universal field or as we call it in our research publication, that I co-authored with Nassim Haramein and William Brown, a unified space memory network. With this knowledge we can hope to move away from a world of separation and non-responsibility to a world of connection, accountability and goodness. There is a quote I love by Shams of Tabriz that I think presents this beautifully
“The universe is one being. Everything and everyone is interconnected through an invisible web of stories. Whether we are aware of it or not, we are all in a silent conversation. Do no harm. Practice compassion. And do not gossip behind anyone’s back — not even a seemingly innocent remark! The words that come out of our mouths do not vanish but are perpetually stored in infinite space, and they will come back to us in due time. One man’s pain will hurt us all. One man’s joy will make everyone smile.” — Shams of Tabriz
What are your “5 Leadership Lessons I Learned From My Experience as a Woman in STEM” and why. (Please share a story or example for each.)
As a woman in STEM — which so far is my only adult experience — I think the most important leadership qualities are:
Lead by example.
Doing a PhD is very similar to the traditional method of apprenticeship. You have a mentor who guides and teaches you. Eventually you have your own ideas and make your own decisions, but always learning from them by example. My PhD supervisor was dedicated to science, passionate about the subject and always optimistic yet realistic about what could be achieved, so he was a great example to learn from and I hope I carried some of his positivity and dedication into my work as a scientist.
Integrity.
Being dishonest leads to chaos and stagnation. To progress in the best way, we have to do so in integrity, which means being honest with others and also yourself. This is something we as human beings know inherently, although sometimes fear can lead us to do stupid things. Fortunately for me my Aunty Jane taught me this lesson as a six-year-old. I can still remember her telling me off and since then I have endeavored to be honest with people, although being ‘honest with yourself’ is still a work in progress.
Dedication.
To achieve anything, we have to be dedicated and its much easier to be dedicated to something you are passionate about. It took me a while to be interested in academia, however when I made the decision to pursue science seriously it was easy to dedicate my self to it as it had been a passion of mine since childhood.
Communication skills.
The simplest of tasks can escalate into an avalanche of confusion if effective communication isn’t practiced. I have observed and experienced this in many work situations and it usually boils down to too many cooks in the kitchen.
Balance.
Life work balance is crucial. We reach a saturation point where we can’t be more effective, so to avoid things such as burnout good leaders need to remember this for themselves and also their team members. In academia I have mostly experienced a good work life balance. The team members have proved their dedication and the team leaders understand the life of an academic and have a relationship with their team members built on trust.
You are a person of great influence. If you could inspire a movement that would bring the most amount of good to the most amount of people, what would that be? You never know what your idea can trigger. 🙂
Connectivity. This can be in the form of a simple smile. Smiling makes you happy and if you smile at someone, they feel good and smile at someone else and so on and so on …
Can you please give us your favorite “Life Lesson Quote”? Can you share how that was relevant to you in your life?
“Yesterday I was clever, so I wanted to change the world. Today I am wise, so I am changing myself.” — Jalaluddin Rumi
I have always loved this quote and is something I try to live by.
Some of the biggest names in Business, VC funding, Sports, and Entertainment read this column. Is there a person in the world, or in the US with whom you would love to have a private breakfast or lunch with, and why? He or she might just see this if we tag them 🙂
Russell Brand — I think he is brilliant, intelligent and funny. Queen Rania of Jordan and Nobel Prize laureate Malala Yousafzai who are both authentic, strong and compassionate women
“Given the epidemic levels of stress, anxiety and depression, corporations can help by setting aside a training room in-house and scheduling daily health and wellness programs” with Alexia Parks and Fotis Georgiadis
Society should create a steady stream of positive messages and offer an on-going series of learning experiences and training programs that focus on the positive benefits of mental wellness. Given the epidemic levels of stress, anxiety and depression, corporations can help by setting aside a training room in-house and scheduling daily health and wellness programs offered by local providers.
I had the pleasure of interviewing Alexia Parks. Alexia Parks is President of 10TRAITS.com and inventor of the 1-Minute GET Smarter Faster Tool. It offers instant insights and actionable advice to help strengthen relationships, reduce conflicts, and improve decision-making. Alexia is the author of 14 books including a new health and fitness book which shows how a simple diet of 23 ingredients, eaten twice daily, can improve mental health. She has produced a 10 part video series on whole body health and wellness. Alexia was called “One of 50 Who Matter Most on the Internet” by Newsweek magazine for her launch of Votelink, one of the first online democracy voting systems. She formerly wrote for the national desk of The Washington Post. As a United Nations Mentor, Alexia mentored the young woman leader who became the Fortune Magazine #1 Award Winner for social impact at their 2014 “Most Powerful Women in the World” Summit.
Thank you for joining us! According to Mental Health America’s report, over 44 million Americans have a mental health condition. Yet there’s still a stigma about mental illness. Can you share a few reasons you think this is so?
Stress is now the number one mental affliction around the world. Depression is #2. More than 75 percent of all physician office visits are for stress-related ailments and complaints, and chronic stress is now linked to the six leading causes of death: heart disease, cancer, lung ailments, accidents, cirrhosis of the liver and suicide.
Today, epidemic levels of stress have created a national mental health crisis. Here’s why. Chronic stress suppresses the immune system. Stress can lead to anxiety and depression. Depression can lead to isolation and prevent the very people who want to help them from reaching out to them.
So, it might surprise you to learn that there was a time — not that long ago — when the word “stress” was not associated with any mental health condition. In 1976, the public wasn’t interested in books about how to manage stress. No books linked chronic stress to cancer.
In addition, during the second half of the 19th century and the early part of the 20th century, psychology focused on disease states, pathology and negativity. Psychology at that time was concerned with curing mental disorders, such as schizophrenia and other mental illness.
The Human Potential Movement and modern wellness initiatives have moved away from this focus on disease states.
Can you tell our readers about how you are helping to de-stigmatize the focus on mental wellness?
Each year more than $359 Billion dollars is lost by companies around the world due to conflict in the workplace. A similar amount is spent on training programs that don’t lead to better organizational performance. Why? Because most people soon return to their old ways of doing things.
In my public talks and consulting, I show how the same uplifting feeling that you get when you take a walk in Nature is now available, on-demand, in a 1-minute tool. It’s like having a “mentor in your pocket” that offers you an instant transfer of knowledge to help you manage conflict in the moment, the moment it happens.
It lets you stop for a minute to reflect on yourself and others — free of emotions — to gain new clarity.
I engage audiences in a group demonstration process to show how organizations can use this emerging field of 1-minute on-demand tools to create a conflict free workplace.
Good working relationships give us several benefits: our work is more enjoyable when we have good relationships with those around us and people are more likely to go along with changes that we want to implement, creating increased innovation and creativity.
What’s more, good relationships give us freedom: instead of spending time and energy overcoming the problems associated with negative relationships, we can instead, focus on opportunities.
When my talks include a focus on health and fitness, I show the link between mental wellness and a healthy microbiome by using nutrient dense foods and intermittent fasting.
The human body thrives on consistency, so I show how a modified ketogenic diet that includes 23 ingredients: 75% fiber, 15% protein, and 10% fat, will boost the body’s “feel good” serotonin levels, reduce stress and anxiety through a release of the neurotransmitter GABA, and protect against colorectal cancer.
The ingredients that make up this “five star” twice daily diet, can be found locally, anywhere in the world.
Was there a story behind why you decided to launch this initiative?
I’ve spent a lifetime searching for solutions to some of the world’s biggest challenges. In this quest, I’ve run five businesses and launched two non-profits. Recently I made a ground-breaking discovery based on 40-years worth of research across a dozen fields of science. I turned this discovery into a series of 1-minute on-demand training tools that help strengthen relationships, reduce conflicts, and improve decision-making.
These 1-minute tools, the twice daily 23 ingredient diet, and my own focus on helping people unlock and maximize their full potential are brought together in this initiative.
The modified ketogenic diet I recommend is based on a 10 year partnership with Dr. Joel Rauch (Rauchwerger M.D.). Dr. Joel is a preventive medicine doctor who formerly was on the faculty at Baylor Medical College in Houston, Texas. He hasn’t been sick, not even a common cold, in more than 40 years.
I can now say the same thing about myself. Following his protocol, I have been super fit for the past 10 years. I personally know the discipline that it takes to break free of the cultural and social conditioning people have around food. So, the goal of my initiative is to bring this program to healthcare professionals, lifestyle coaches, and those in the corporate world who are focused on prevention, early identification, and intervention for those at risk of six deadly diseases linked to stress.
In your experience, what should a) individuals b) society, and c) the government do to better support people suffering from mental illness?
Individuals who want to help support people suffering from mental illness should focus on ways to help them reduce stress at every level. This includes nutritional support by helping them make and sustain healthy food choices. It also includes massage, movement, flexibility, and 5–15+ minutes of aerobic exercise, daily.
Helping people change lifelong habits and belief systems sustainably, requires that this change take place incrementally, over time. A daily health and fitness routine will bring them into contact with like-minded people, in community.
Society should create a steady stream of positive messages and offer an on-going series of learning experiences and training programs that focus on the positive benefits of mental wellness. Given the epidemic levels of stress, anxiety and depression, corporations can help by setting aside a training room in-house and scheduling daily health and wellness programs offered by local providers.
Government should fund pilot programs, gather data and identify best practices for improved mental health based on the emerging field of 1-Minute training tools that reduce stress and boost mental wellness in society and the workplace. The Department of Education can fund the development of curriculum that incorporates this 1-Minute learning series to boost appreciation and respect in the classroom. The National Institute of Health (NIH) should fund, review and recommend a modified ketogenic diet, such as the one based on 23 ingredients, for hospitals, health care providers, emergency preparedness, the military, and for those who are incarcerated.
What are your 6 strategies you use to promote your own wellbeing and mental wellness? Can you please give a story or example for each?
1. Learn to manage conflict in the moment, the moment it happens.
2. Become trait aware and trait-balanced. Focus on your own trait strengths and the trait strengths of others to improve relationships and decision-making.
3. Avoid negativity in any shape or form. Focus on positive thinking.
4. Create daily habits that include nutrient dense foods and aerobic activity.
5. Practice mindfulness. Say to yourself “Be Mindful” a 100 times a day.
6. Engage in life enhancing activities with collaborative, positive-minded people.
What are your favorite books, podcasts, or resources that inspire you to be a mental health champion?
“I have a myriad of examples of where pain has helped guide me to finding my purpose” with Dr. Savitri Dixon-Saxon and Fotis Georgiadis
I have a myriad of examples of where pain has helped guide me to finding my purpose. And, whenever I have stretched beyond my understanding of my abilities, the catalyst for the stretch has been extreme discomfort and often times, pain.
I had the pleasure of interviewing Dr. Savitri Dixon-Saxon, vice provost of Walden University’s College of Social and Behavioral Sciences, is a licensed professional counselor in North Carolina and national certified counselor. With a 27-year career in higher education, Dr. Dixon-Saxon has been an administrator at Walden since 2005. She started her career at Walden as the program director for the MS in Mental Health Counseling and most recently served as the dean of the School of Counseling and the Barbara Solomon School of Social Work and Human Services. In 2013, Dr. Dixon-Saxon was named a ‘Woman Worth Watching’ by the Diversity Journal.
Thank you for joining us!What brought you to your specific career path?
It was my intention as a very young woman to be a television journalist. I was always told that I was a great communicator, and broadcasting seemed like the right career for me. However, it was probably in my senior year of college that I realized that I had not been as proactive as I needed to be in setting myself up for success in this career, and I did not like the world of work in television journalism.
There I was post-graduation with no real career leads, dissatisfied with my career of choice, and unsure how to redirect myself. One day, in what could only be called an emotional break caused by significant frustration on lack of direction, I shared with my mother that I wanted to help college students be more deliberate in getting ready for their careers and identifying the right career path. I wanted to do whatever I could to prevent others from feeling like I was feeling at that moment.
Neither my mother nor I knew what that career would be. But as fate would have it, she was taking my sister on a college tour the next day, and the person hosting the parents was a graduate student in a program called student personnel services. This was a program for student affairs generalists who work in a variety of roles in student services in higher education — doing exactly what I shared I wanted to do the night before. I enrolled in and graduated from the program, and, as a result, I had the opportunity to work in a variety of positions in student affairs administration.
In these positions, I was responsible for supervising and developing — not just the scholar — but the whole student. While working in student affairs, I started to realize that I wanted to get more specialized training that prepared me to work with students in a more clinical capacity. Training in professional counseling would help me be more effective in my work, so I went back to graduate school and completed my doctorate in counselor education in 2002. For three years, I gained as much clinical experience as I could and taught counseling to graduate students part-time. I then found a position that allowed me to take full advantage of the various skills I had, specifically those skills as a higher education administrator, mental health clinician and educator. My career path has not be a direct line, but everything, including that degree in journalism and mass communication, has contributed greatly to any success I have today.
What does it mean for you to live “on purpose?” Can you explain? How can one achieve that?
Living on purpose means a few different things to me. First, living on purpose means recognizing life is a gift each moment and we should take advantage of every opportunity to learn, feel and love because we may not have that opportunity again. It means not taking life, good health and ability, a sound mind or people and their presence for granted. It also means living with intention and honoring your talents and passions by looking for opportunities to feed your soul, brain and heart.
The key to living on purpose, in my opinion, is to be self-aware. Living on purpose requires moving through the world authentically and contributing from a place reflective of your unique talents, so you must be engaged in an iterative process of self-awareness. When I was a little girl, my daddy taught me that it’s hard for an eagle to be a chicken or vice versa. While my daddy certainly showed some bias towards the eagles, the reality is that the eagle and chicken are valuable to the world’s ecosystem, but both must understand their value. Living with purpose starts with self-awareness and preparing yourself for opportunities to live in your purpose even when you do not see prospects for those opportunities on the horizon.
Do you have an example or story in your own life of how your pain helped to guide you to finding your life’s purpose?
I have a myriad of examples of where pain has helped guide me to finding my purpose. And, whenever I have stretched beyond my understanding of my abilities, the catalyst for the stretch has been extreme discomfort and often times, pain.
I previously described how I got on my career path and how dissatisfied I was with my life post-undergrad graduation. The day I told my mother what I wanted to do, I was in extreme pain. I was so disappointed with my life because I was not prepared to be successful in my career of choice and I wasn’t qualified for anything else. Additionally, I really didn’t have knowledge of any other career that would match what I was passionate about.
However, I had someone around who cared enough about me to push me and try to understand what my passion was. I took a chance and verbalized it. If there is anything I would want someone to know about using pain as a tool, it would be that I have survived every one of those painful experiences with the belief that it could get better or by telling someone that I was in so much trouble I didn’t know how to find my way out of the pain. The key is having a vision of something better, working hard even when no opportunity exists, and not being distracted by someone else’s journey.
The United States is currently rated at #18 in the World Happiness Report. Can you share a few reasons why you think the ranking is so low?
I really believe that the reason that the United States is ranked #18 is because we are convinced that we need the things we don’t have to be happy. The machines that make the economy in the United States are marketers who create needs in us that we didn’t know existed, and our cultural attitudes that happiness is tied to the acquisition of more things as opposed to living a life where you can be of service to others.
We work with the belief that more money results in more things, which will make us happier. This mentality makes those who are not able to acquire those things make social comparisons and feel dissatisfied, while those who are able to buy all of the things they want are disillusioned because those things did not result in real and lasting happiness.
How have you used your success to bring goodness to the world?
One of the things I realize is that when you hold certain positions, people are more apt to listen to your opinion about the world and watch your behavior as a guide to how they should act. That is a huge responsibility that requires you to constantly study the world and the social issues in it.
What are your 6 strategies to help you face your day with exuberance, “Joie De Vivre” and a “ravenous thirst for life?” Can you please give a story or example for each?
I know that life is finite. I also know that it is a gift and an opportunity that can be hard sometimes. Each day, we have the opportunity to make it count and try to apply the lessons learned in the previous days to the new day’s challenges. But with all its uncertainty and fragility, I love it.
Begin the day with gratitude that I’m awake and safe, and I have another opportunity to become better and learn more. In my hardest times, I give myself five minutes to write a list of all the things for which I am grateful. Then I give myself three minutes to write a list of all the things I desire. My strategy is to take less time focusing on the things for which I am dissatisfied or the things that I want. What I have learned is that, for me, it is so easy to write the gratitude list. It is much harder to write the list of things I desire, and it winds up being a much smaller list. I get more content and appreciative of what I have like love, good health, friends, family, books and jazz, and I recognize where I can strategize and focus on the things I desire.
Live and work for my family and to demonstrate my gratitude for the sacrifices my ancestors made for me to live better, freer, and to have more opportunities. I want to make sure that their life was not in vain. I am most conscious of my grandmothers and their sacrifices for future generations of family. I am not nearly as smart, wise or good as they are, but my opportunities, by comparison, are immense in great part for the ground work they laid. My parents, as young adults in the civil rights movement of the sixties, were strong activists, so I was raised with the awareness that freedom and acquisition of rights does not come easy for a lot of people. I see each day as an opportunity to make my ancestors and my parents proud and see my life as a manifestation of their hard work and dreams.
Give positivity, acceptance and encouragement to as many people as I can because I know that some people do not get much of that and it is a way to build relationships. I have worked with someone who has become a dear colleague, and over the years we have traveled together for work. She speaks to everyone with sincerity, and one of the things I noticed was that on long trips she would start to develop relationships with the hotel staff. For example, as we would walk to the elevator, she would inquire about a housekeeper’s sick child or ask if it was an easy commute to work that day. She takes a genuine interest in people. One day, I remarked on my observation and she told me that there are so many people in the world you encounter without one person saying hello to them. She said she wants to make sure that she does her part in correcting that. I have adopted that, not just in my interactions with people I casually encounter, but as a strategy for relationship building in every setting.
Demonstrate to others that hard work is rewarded. Each day is an opportunity to teach my daughter through my example so that she is prepared to contribute to society as an adult. My daughter has seen me work four jobs at a time and on my MBA full time while I worked as an associate dean for two schools at Walden University. She has also seen me start my day at 4 a.m. and end at midnight. But, she has also seen me play just as hard and take the time for service and family.
Care for the people I love, treat them like treasures for whom I am grateful, and act as if each interaction with them will be my last. I want to win an award for the best hugger in the world or favorite auntie. I try to create memorable experiences with family, especially the children with whom I interact. Every year during the Christmas holiday season, I plan a ‘pajama run’ with my daughter, nieces and nephew. We dress up in our pajamas, buy Krispy Kreme doughnuts, and drive around looking at the beautiful holiday lights throughout the city. Two years ago, we got monogrammed t-shirts to go with our matching pajama bottoms. Last year, we added a new element to our tradition. We’ll stop to take pictures in our pajamas at some of the very pretty public spots around the city. It is a simple activity, but the children start asking about the mid-December pajama run in October. It is my hope that they will remember that they were important enough to an adult to spend time with them just having fun. I will try to make this year’s the best in case it’s the last one we do.
Move through the world confidently with the belief that your presence in the world matters. I have completely accepted that I am very intelligent and a great leader, motivator and communicator. I walk into most situations with the belief that someone is interested in what I have to say. I know these things about myself, and I don’t spend much time thinking about whether other people believe it. It is how I navigate the world and it makes me more generous with genuine appreciation for others. I do not expect everyone to be as talented as I am in the areas that I excel. As a matter of fact, I have learned that I need to surround myself with people who have talents I don’t have so that I can learn from them and we can have a balance and diversity of perspectives as we collaborate. There is a subtle difference between being confident and being over-confident and obnoxious. Because I am self-aware and confident, I have no problem acknowledging the things I need to improve.
Do you have any favorite books, podcasts or resources that most inspired you to live with a thirst for life?
I personally miss the “Church of Oprah” by way of her daily talk show. I now look for things that get me excited and can easily be applied to my life. I just purchased former first lady of the United States Michelle Obama’s book, Becoming. I have only read one chapter so far and some excerpts, as well as seen several interviews. I am looking forward to reading the real story of an accomplished African-American woman who I can tell has had to navigate, on a much larger scale, many of the things I must navigate. I expect many of her accounts will reflect the experiences of most professional and educated contemporary African-American women that are rarely spoken aloud or written about.
Can you please give us your favorite “Life Lesson” quote that relates to having a Joie De Vivre? Can you share how that was relevant to you in your life?
I love the stories of highly successful people. Most of them are filled with accounts of a mind-body connection that allowed them to perform their best. Years ago, I was watching the story of a young Tim Duncan. I believe it was at the beginning of his career as a player in the National Basketball Association. Tim’s mother died when he was young, but she taught him something that inspired him in everything. “Good, better, best. Never let it rest. Until your good is better and your better is your best.”
I am not sure if this originated with Tim’s mother, but those words made an indelible mark on my brain. I apply it to my own life, and I have shared it with my daughter since she was young. I don’t believe this quote is about perfection, which involves a lot of social comparison and possibly even competition with others. For me, the quote is about striving for your personal best, comparing your performance as a human today with your performance as a human being the previous day, and striving to make it the best it can be. I work every day to be better, which for me involves finding ways to laugh harder and learn, give and love more.
Are you working on any exciting new projects now? How do you think that will help people?
I work for Walden University where part of its mission is to prepare students as agents of positive social change. For years, I have given much thought to how we can prepare them to be effective change agents. Within my discipline, I have made sure that our curriculum included activities that allow our students to develop ideas for social change projects. But in the aftermath of the Parkland, Florida high school shooting, I realized that we, as an institution, needed to not just teach our students how to engage in social change within their discipline, but to prepare them to engage in interdisciplinary collaboration to understand social problems, respond to them, and create lasting change by preventing or stopping the spread of the world’s social issues.
In 2019, I will be working with colleagues at Walden and particularly in our Center for Social Change to develop a virtual conference where our students, faculty and staff will have the opportunity to share the latest theory, research, and practice around these issues in an effort to understand how to proceed with social change through an interdisciplinary approach.
You are a person of great influence. If you could inspire a movement that would bring the most amount of good to the most amount of people, what would that be?
If I could inspire a movement, it would be to teach children skills that ensure their survival and the survival of humanity. Young people would be taught to garden and grow their own food, build and fix things, and create and inspire.
Black Men and Women of The C-Suite: “Sign up for a conflict resolution class” with Vercie Lark and Fotis Georgiadis
Sign up for a conflict resolution class. When I was young, I believed naively that everyone working with me were out for the same thing — to make the company great. As I matured, I quickly realized that sometimes conflicting agendas are at play and the more you know how to manage conflict as a team member or team leader the more effective your team will be. The good news is there’s training available to help you quickly learn to mediate and resolve conflict, so all parties feel good about the situation most of the time.
As a part of my series about “Black Men and Women of The C-Suite”, I had the distinct pleasure of interviewing Vercie Lark, former executive vice president of DST Systems financial services. Lark grew up in a family of seven in one of the poorest areas of Dayton, Ohio, where he began his journey to become a multimillionaire. He earned an electrical engineering degree from Wright State University and secured his first full-time job at Monsanto Research Corporation. He is a recently retired executive vice president and head of billion-dollar financial services business DST Systems. Lark has always had passion for giving and a strong desire to help others fulfill their dreams by volunteering his time, mentoring, and donating portions of his family’s wealth to various causes. He is living proof that the American dream is still alive, and he hopes to help millions of other Americans achieve their dreams of earning a better living, accumulating more wealth, and retiring financially secure. To learn more about Lark and his new book, “Make It Rain,” please visit his website.
Thank you so much for doing this with us! Can you tell us a story about what brought you to this specific career path?
My parents instilled in me early on that the best way to get out of our poverty-stricken Dayton, Ohio neighborhood was to obtain a good education. I didn’t know what to study until I realized how much fun I had helping my brother build audio speakers and tinkering with appliances, radios, TVs and other items in our home. Taking my passion for tinkering into account, I obtained an engineering degree and started me on a career journey that helped me move up the ranks and eventually become an executive for tech giants such as Compaq, Hewlett-Packard, Sprint/Nextel and Embarq (now CenturyLink) where I was promoted to Chief Information Officer.
After working at Embarq several years, I started several small businesses, invested in stocks and real estate, and acquired a BP gas station in Dayton before being recruited to join DST Systems as its first Chief Information Officer.
Working as CIO gave me insight into the financial services investment industry and the issues facing Americans who didn’t know how to successfully save, invest, and live with financial security before and after retirement. Five years later, Steve Hooley, DST’s CEO, asked me to lead our financial services business to help position the firm for long-term success.
Leading this business accelerated my understanding of the intricacies related to our U.S. financial system and reinforced my desire to help people successfully save more, invest wisely, build wealth and live life with more financial security. Before retiring I began to write my first book, “Make It Rain,” and begin offering it to people from all walks of life as my way to help others succeed in their finances and solve a growing problem in our society.
Can you share the most interesting story that happened to you since you began your career?
I was in my last year at DST Systems and we invited Jeb Bush, hot off the 2016 election campaign trail, to be our keynote speaker for the annual customer conference — a three-day event where we typically feature a high-profile figure to share insights with 400–500 key executives and managers. The morning after his arrival, our paths crossed during a private breakfast of seven or eight customers and top executives.
Many times, guest speakers ask for a list of questions in advance of private meetings so they or their staff can prescreen and avoid topics. But Jeb showed up without an entourage or pre-screening. He simply engaged with our clients and never shied away from answering everything we asked about topics like business, leadership, politics and even personal topics. He was an open book.
We moved into the larger conference room with 400–500 people waiting for Jeb to speak. He walked in and sat at the table right next to me and we continued having small talk while he was being introduced by our CEO. Then Jeb leaned over and asked me, who he’d known for less than 20 hours, “Vercie, why aren’t there more minorities — people like you — at this company?”
It came as a shock, but clearly Jeb recognized an issue and had the courage to verbalize it to me when so many others eluded the subject. I was impressed by his candor on this and other topics and thought to myself, while he didn’t win the election, he’s a winner in my book. It’s one of the reasons I learned never to judge a book by its cover.
Can you share a story about the funniest mistake you made when you were first starting? Can you tell us what lesson you learned from that?
I’d just changed careers after two years at Monsanto to pursue IT, eager to learn all I could about the systems, networks and support operations behind the scenes. Coming up to speed in my new job meant spending lots of time in the data center, wiring closets and under the desks of other engineers when things weren’t working.
One day in the Data Center I was talking with a veteran IT professional, Calvin, who was showing me the ropes about starting up and shutting down systems in preparation for weekend maintenance. As he was sharing the process and steps with me, I leaned back to rest on one of the large mini computers — and my behind hit the power button and shut down the entire system!
Calvin could probably tell I was mortified, knowing what I’d just done, and started to smile. Meanwhile, phones started ringing and people poured into the data center to see what was wrong. There I was just a few months into my new role and my bum had taken down the drafting and design system used by hundreds of engineers working on critical projects for the Department of Energy!
With a smile, Calvin quickly moved into action by telling me what to do next. We restarted the system and after things calmed down, I wrote an incident report to detail what happened, per protocol. But naturally, the news had already traveled and everyone who needed to know what caused the outage already did and oh, yes, they were having some fun at my expense. They didn’t let me live it down for a while after that!
Later that day our department director came to my cubicle and let me know he knew about what happened. “No need for a write up on this,” he said. “We know the root cause, you made a mistake, learn from it.”
I learned three important lessons that day: 1) don’t knock the computer with your bum; 2) everyone screws up and most do it more than you’ll ever know; and 3) we can use mistakes to learn and grow and remain pleasant. Calvin could have become critical; instead, he jumped in to help me through the situation by walking me through the startup process on the spot, all with a smile.
Can you share three reasons with our readers about why it’s really important for a business to have a diverse executive team?
· Perspective. The first and primary reason to have a diverse executive team is to help senior leaders and board members make more informed decisions leading to a higher ROI for current and future investors, customers, employees and suppliers. Decades of research on this topic proves that companies with diverse leadership and staff perform much better than those without.
· Connection. We live in a world full of people with different genders, races, nationalities, values, religions et al, and in the U.S. our workforce is only further diversifying. Having executives who can relate to and connect with a diverse population of future leaders, customers and suppliers is important to the ongoing survival and performance of any growing business.
· Broader talent pool. Hiring and retaining the best talent to work in the executive suite means exploring talent in communities outside one’s own circle of relationships. Firms who truly desire to hire and retain the best are shortchanging themselves if they lack minority leaders’ personal connections with people who aren’t connected to traditional minority executive recruiting firms.
More broadly can you describe how this can have an effect on our culture?
People tend to follow the lead of their business executives and their political leaders. As we begin to see more diverse executives leading or working in Fortune 1000 companies whose views are valued, who are generating great results, who are offered high impact leadership roles, who they can trust, and who are visibly addressing social and political issues, the more Americans begin to understand what’s expected of us as citizens and respect others who are different as they hire, promote, evaluate and pay people to work with them.
Thousands of the people come to the U.S. from other countries and millions more were born in the U.S. who simply want to be treated respectfully, create a better life for themselves and their family and pursue their American Dream. Many of our citizens will become the new leaders in businesses and as they rise in the workplace and see their leaders support a more inclusive workplace, they have an opportunity to continue advancing change with the firms they lead and across the political spectrum if they choose to pick up the mantle for the betterment of their business and of America.
Can you recommend three things the community/society/the industry can do help address the root of the diversity issues in executive leadership?
Engage — Board members and C-Suite executives should engage (connect) with non-traditional communities of interest, minority executive leadership groups, and sponsor industry networking events to find and nurture high potential talent. C-Suite leaders need a goal to create a program in their company to cultivate future executive talent and connect with local orgs to improve their success in finding, recruiting, hiring and retaining the best talent regardless of a person’s demographics. To get started, Google communities in your industry or locale and simply add the word “minority” or “women” to the search. You’ll find ample opportunities to engage with diverse executives while cultivating a pipeline of new talent to fill roles in your company.
Invest — For minorities who desire to become a future executive, it’s important to remember to invest in yourself to develop business acumen, financial expertise and professional skills to help yourself perform in your current role and be better prepared for roles that can lead you to the boardroom. Accept roles outside your current profession to develop the broader set of skills you’ll need for a junior or senior executive role one day. For top executives who desire to increase diversity, work with Human Resources to develop a simple system to invest in future leaders. With this program, identify people in your firm to invest in and prepare them for broader and more impactful roles in the future. If you don’t invest in their future, they’ll find another firm that will.
Promote — Many firms also invest in their people with the best intentions of promoting them into executive positons but when the executive opportunity opens up, they select another candidate or hire someone who has “the look” from the outside. Sometimes they say in private they “decided to forgo the promotion to ‘protect’ the person from failure”, or they’ll say “I don’t think they’re ready yet” or “I decided to go external since I couldn’t find a good candidate here.” I’ve learned over time to take more risks, because CIO, CEOs and COOs took a risk on me. No one is ever completely prepared for the executive suite. Everyone who arrives there has a lot to learn. What’s more important than technical experience is their ability to learn, inspire, hire and develop talent, communicate and manage the business effectively. Take risks and promote them knowing that they may fail but can succeed with your support.
How do you define “Leadership”? Can you explain what you mean or give an example?
Great leaders help people achieve their personal and professional ambitions while inspiring them to work as a team and accomplish more than they knew they were capable of. The best leaders do this while also providing development opportunities to further along upward mobility.
Over the course of my career (especially after joining DST) I realized several of the executives working for me had worked in the same areas of the business for decades. They were experts in their areas, but some wanted to expand their roles and move up in the organization. We developed new assignments where leaders changed jobs or expanded their roles every 18–20 months to give them more insight into other areas of the business. Making the decision to move a subject-matter expert to a completely new was not without its growing pains and some outside of my team often wondered why someone with no experience in an area was given opportunities like that. As with any role change, some worked out well and team members moved on to more fulfilling opportunities; some didn’t work out. Even so, giving others the opportunity to learn and grow was the right thing and it helped us build a team with more diverse skills and understanding of the environments our clients relied on for their success.
Leadership isn’t about the leader or his aspirations at all; it is about developing people and helping others realize their own aspirations whenever possible while working to achieve your organizations’ collective goals to benefit your employees and stakeholders.
What are your “5 things I wish someone told me when I first started” and why. Please share a story or example for each.
1. Get an MBA degree or hone your business expertise. My advice for anyone who desires to be an executive or reach the C-Suite is be willing to invest as much time as needed to master the basics of business finance. In the beginning, I did just that by reading lots of books and articles about the roles I was growing into. This was a key factor in my career ascent to CIO and later when I achieved the opportunity to lead the financial services business segment of DST.
2. Find a great work-life balance for yourself. It’s okay to work long hours every now but working too many hours for a long time will be detrimental to your work and your family life. I’ve had friends and work colleagues who reached the burnout point mentally and lose it at work from the stresses of the office. I’ve seen team members being wheeled out of the office after pushing themselves too hard, too long and developing chronic illnesses. Manage your time, manage your work, manage yourself. If you can’t achieve balance in your current role, find it elsewhere.
3. Sign up for a conflict resolution class. When I was young, I believed naively that everyone working with me were out for the same thing — to make the company great. As I matured, I quickly realized that sometimes conflicting agendas are at play and the more you know how to manage conflict as a team member or team leader the more effective your team will be. The good news is there’s training available to help you quickly learn to mediate and resolve conflict, so all parties feel good about the situation most of the time.
4. Always say “YES” to new opportunities. I believe my path to the C-Suite was not an accident: my progression continued over the past 35 years because I never turned down an offer to help a colleague who asked for assistance or turned down new assignment from any of my bosses no matter how dismal the job may have appeared on the surface. With each new opportunity I gained experiences and broadened my network of people. Looking back, the more I accepted roles without hesitation, the more I grew and flourished as a businessman.
5. You’re going to fail — what really matters is how you learn from your failures. There are times when minorities on my team tell me they feel slighted because they didn’t get that promotion they believed they deserved. I can tell you from experience I as well as many others, minority or not, have felt the same way. Rather than sulk or place blame, seek out the reasons why you were overlooked and work diligently to rectify those reasons. No one reaches the executive suite without a few setbacks, mistakes and disappointments along the way. Remember your future is in your hands and there’s people who will help you achieve your dreams if you’re open to receiving it and willing to put in the work.
You are a person of enormous influence. If you could inspire a movement that would bring the most amount of good to the most amount of people, what would that be? You never know what your idea can trigger. 🙂
Schools don’t offer mandatory classes on useful subjects such as personal finance, investing, retirement planning or wealth management. As a result, graduates are unprepared to manage their life finances. My dream is to inspire a movement across the country leveraging insights from “Make It Rain” and partnering with financial investment firms to deliver mandatory classes in public high schools, colleges, trade schools, churches and non-profit organizations that teach millions of Americans critical personal finance and investing skills to help them save, invest and accumulate more wealth.
For those Americans who have amassed or inherited great wealth, financial investment firms and banks provide advisors, brokers, and retirement planners to help them keep and accumulate even more wealth to pass on to future generations. Conversely, far too many other Americans continue to work hard and live paycheck-to-paycheck due to a lack of access to basic financial skills or tools. We can help millions of other Americans improve their lives and remove an increasing need for more government aid by teaching our citizens how to apply simple solutions to secure their income needs through wiser money management decisions.
Can you please give us your favorite “Life Lesson Quote”? Can you share how that was relevant to you in your life?
There are two quotes that have stuck with me over the decades.
“The best way to predict the future is to create it.” — Abraham Lincoln
“Carpe Diem.” (Seize the day.)
I have used these as part of my philosophy when making decisions in business and my personal life. They remind me that we have more control over what happens in our future business career and personal life than we know. When good opportunities present themselves, we can either seize them and try to create the life we desire or let them pass us by.
Is there a person in the world, or in the US whom you would love to have a private breakfast or lunch with, and why? He or she might just see this, especially if we tag them. 🙂
I’d like to meet Bill and Melinda Gates, who are what I call “compassionate capitalists.” I would love to pick their brains to spur ideas and potentially partner with their foundation to help me solve two key issues in American society once and for all.
I’d love to brainstorm solutions with them to get financial education and copies of “Make It Rain” in the hands of people who need financial help in American and countries around the globe. Then, I’d love to discuss with them the idea of creating IT call centers, tech support and software development centers in low-income urban and rural communities across the U.S. with the goal of building a talent pool to meet the growing technology talent gaps in our country. I’d like to kick around ideas to bring decent wage IT jobs to American cities in need of revitalization.
How can our readers follow you on social media or on the web?
“Seeking support can feel like jumping many layers of hurdles inside and outside of you.” with Sue Sexton and Fotis Georgiadis
When you are raised in a shame-based system, you feel ashamed of having needs, feelings, and wants. You feel like a burden. You feel unworthy of help. Being judged or criticized. This is your normal. Seeking help or admitting you need help, just leaves you feeling vulnerable. It wasn’t safe to be vulnerable in your family. Beginning therapy or seeking support can feel like jumping many layers of hurdles inside and outside of you.
I had the pleasure to interview Sue Sexton, a Licensed Psychologist and the CEO of Sue Sexton Psychotherapy LLC, operating since 2010. Prior to this entrepreneurial adventure, Sue worked for 8 years in community mental health organizations serving children, adolescents, & adults. Sue underwent a deep personal transformation in 2015. Over the next few years, she healed repressed childhood trauma (physical, emotional, & sexual abuse). Sue has since become a Top Mental Health Speaker, Wellness Writer for Major Publications, Meditation Junkie, & Mind-Body-Spirit expert who is a firsthand believer that “Woo Woo Works!” Sue lives in St. Paul, MN with her two sons & her mini golden-doodle Clover.
Thank you so much for joining us! Can you tell us the “backstory” about what brought you to this specific career path?
I was a confused yet driven college student in 1999, contemplating over what to major in and decided that out of the courses I was enrolled in that Psychology was the most interesting. After an evening of dramatic crying, I decided to declare my major in Psychology. Fast forward to 2019, now 20 years later, I have much more clarity. I was raised in an abusive, shame-based family system. I was coping with my trauma by focusing on achieving and attempting to build my version of the American Dream. Living life in this manner worked until 2015. At 9-month pregnant, I came home from work one evening to discover my husband moved out that day. In that same evening, I became a single mom of an autistic non-verbal 4-year-old, a soon to be newborn, began a 3-month unpaid maternity leave on an empty bank account and wavering will to live. Life as I knew it washed away like an unexpected tsunami hit. As I salvaged what I could and set sail for new beginnings, a force more powerful than me took over. Despite the external chaos, I was felt a deep sense of inner peace for the first time in my life. I was guided to read books, attend classes on Past Life Regression and Energy Medicine, and intuitive healers. With an open-mind, I leaned in to understand myself. I learned how powerful mind-body-spirit tools are in healing even the worst traumas someone can face. After healing repressed childhood sexual abuse, physical and emotional abuse, and shifting my life in profound ways, I decided it was time to share what I’ve learned. Shifting gears from my full-time private practice to the Mental Health Public Speaking sector, I share my healing journey and wisdom across the globe. We are deeply capable of healing ourselves and it’s time to share the HOW-TO methods that most dismiss as “woo woo”, but I’m here to proudly proclaim WOO WOO WORKS!
According to Mental Health America’s report, over 44 million Americans have a mental health condition. Yet there’s still a stigma about mental illness. Can you share a few reasons you think this is so?
Many family systems in America are built on the foundation of shame. Like an unwanted intergenerational family heirloom, we are taught to dismiss our feelings, are invalidated, and are modeled unhelpful coping patterns instead of facing our inner emotional world. Statements like “be a man”, “are you a baby or something”, or “stop crying or I’ll give you something to cry about” are examples of shaming messages. When you are raised in a family that doesn’t deal with feelings, they end up coming out sideways. Unfortunately, many children are gaslighted, manipulated, guilt-tripped, or controlled in other ways to avoid discussing what’s really going on. When this happens, reality becomes so skewed, that many just end up accepting the shame-based belief systems. Many times, physical, sexual, or emotional abuse is underneath all these dynamics. You are told you are loved in the same breath that you are blamed for being abused (I wouldn’t have hit you if you weren’t X). Abuse becomes a family secret. So, if someone ends up wanting help, their family system will feel threatened that the “family secrets” will be released. Then similar control methods are used: guilt trips, gaslighting, manipulating, threats, being told nobody will believe them, etc. In fact, the person who finally breaks out of a shame-based family system is usually the healthiest, but they also tend to lose a relationship with some, if not all, their family members. There is a deeply engrained pull to remain a part of the broken system. We are all byproducts of our system. We only know what we know, until we learn something new through experiences and exposure.
When you are raised in a shame-based system, you feel ashamed of having needs, feelings, and wants. You feel like a burden. You feel unworthy of help. Being judged or criticized. This is your normal. Seeking help or admitting you need help, just leaves you feeling vulnerable. It wasn’t safe to be vulnerable in your family. Beginning therapy or seeking support can feel like jumping many layers of hurdles inside and outside of you.
I believe that the stigma is so prevalent due to the toxic shame in our family systems. When shame can be faced without pointing a finger, blame, or becoming defensive, then the stigma can be faced more directly and successfully. That is done through courageous, honest, educational, and open conversations about shame.
Can you tell our readers about how you are helping to de-stigmatize the focus on mental wellness?
A concept called “Universality” is the number one curative factor in mental health treatment. This is when people don’t feel alone in their struggle. You suddenly realize that ALL of us are struggling in one way or another. That there are themes and patterns to people’s struggles. When you suddenly don’t feel alone, a true power takes over. People begin to shift out of shame and into the ability to feel empowered to heal. They witness others healing. They believe they have that same potential to heal too.
My goal is to create a variety of formats to help people feel “not alone”. The first is through the power of storytelling. I am a Keynote Speaker who shares my healing journey. I share how I overcame the same struggles that individuals in the audience are facing. I am honest about how my life fell apart. Even though I knew all the right stuff (heck, I went to school for 8 years to learn psychology and practiced for over a decade), and my life was still a hot mess. In fact, we are all messy. When we can begin having courageous conversations about the mess, then we don’t feel so alone. We can learn from each other. I believe we are all each other’s teachers and students. Through my speaking I am connecting with audiences across the globe to teach, learn, and grow together through courageous conversations.
The second is that I’ve created a one of a kind BE THE CHANGE Membership for people to join and receive guidance on how to change their lives. I will be challenging the members to take positive action in their communities, positive action in their own mental health and responsibility for their healing, listen to guided meditation videos, offer access to leading experts on mind-body-spirit healing, and be a part of a one of a kind community for members only. This is the closest thing to having me as a personal therapist. I will be offering everything I know from over a decade as a Licensed Psychologist and my own healing journey using mind-body-spirit healing tools. Members will also receive a daily text at 11:11 AM CDT to THINK PEACE, as they join the first ever 11:11 Peace on Earth Movement.
The third is through writing a children’s/teen book series (release date will be announced soon). In this book series, my characters demonstrate the struggles many of us face with mental health. The reader will fall in love with each character as they learn and grow alongside them. As a part of the book series, I will offer a program to connect children/teens across the globe. To empower them to have courageous conversations, connections, and teach them how they are the future of our world. This book series and program will include my 11:11 Peace on Earth Movement, where people unite across the globe at 11:11 AM CDT to THINK PEACE for 2–3 minutes daily (local time is converted from 11:11 AM central daylight time). I believe we need to teach our children how to be their full, authentic, messy, beautiful selves by modeling this in our own lives.
Was there a story behind why you decided to launch this initiative?
In 2015, my life fell apart overnight. I was led on my own deep personal healing and transformation journey. I was guided to learn about Past Life Regression Therapy, Energy Medicine, and a variety of intuitive/metaphysical healing modalities. I used this new science knowledge to heal my life. I began a daily meditation practice, learned about plant medicine, and slowly pealed away the layers of energetic exchanges that led to my life falling apart. In this 1–2-year timeline, I healed tremendous amounts of shame, belief systems, trauma (sexual, emotional, and physical abuse from childhood), and began to understand a deep connection with my inner self. I learned to love myself unconditionally. I learned how to live in the present moment. I learned how to shift triggers and thought patterns. I stepped out of co-dependency in my relationships. I lost 80 pounds I was holding as a protective layer. I stopped taking my anti-depressants overnight (I was no longer depressed). I learned I am fully supported on my journey.
I realized that I needed to share this wisdom with others. We are ALL deeply capable of healing. Not just coping and surviving, remaining fated to some diagnosis. Honestly, “woo woo works”, and keeping an open mind to new science is important. I am ready to share how we can move from a therapist’s couch repeating the same old life dramas to transforming our lives in months. It is time to have authentic, courageous, and real conversations about a piece of mental health that isn’t being discussed: mind-body-spirit. It’s the key to true healing, once and for all.
In your experience, what should a) individuals b) society, and c) the government do to better support people suffering from mental illness?
My experience has led me to understanding the power of mind-body-spirit healing potential. In our society, my experience has been that we’ve been conditioned to believe this is “woo woo” and so many people never explore alternative healing options. So, we need to begin talking about the fact that we have three parts to us and all THREE need to be addressed in order to heal.
Individuals need to take more responsibility for their wellbeing. So many of us get caught up in the shame-blame game. This person or that person did X to me, so now I’m depressed/ traumatized/ etc. While that situation did unfold, you must decide to heal vs. remaining a victim. I’ve learned on my journey that people and situations happen in life to offer lessons for us. Its our job to get curious on the patterns, shift the energy (release it in our mind, body, spirit), and understand your story. Once you take these steps, the repetition stops, and you graduate to the next lesson. Life is full of lessons taught through experiences and people. Life is about learning. We need to step out of being a victim and step into being responsible for the lessons. Everything is happening FOR you, not to you. We are here to learn, grow, and expand our awareness of love. I believe this needs to be taught to our children and adults. Responsibility is a powerful mindset. It puts you back in the driver seat of your life. Afterall, you are the creator of your reality. You and only you.
As a society, we need to teach new science’s healing potential and what shame truly is. We need to begin talking about working together and supporting one another vs. being so individualistic. Building communities vs. isolation. We are deeply capable of healing. We are not destined to be sick: mentally or physically. In addition to this, we need to model vulnerability, authentic, and honest discussions of our learning process. Help others believe perfectionism is a myth. Showing our children that it’s okay to make a mistake and forgive someone. It is not the snake bite that kills someone, it’s the snake’s venom that seeps through the veins that kills someone. The venom is the anger, sadness, resentments, and other emotional energies we hold in us that kills us. Model how to allow emotions to rise without them hurting others, but instead to heal and release. Respecting that everyone is learning their own lessons, and how they do that is going to be different from someone else. And that is okay. Discuss shame and how entrenched we can become in the patterns, from one generation to the next. Share our stories. Celebrate in our glories. Being the change, we wish to see.
The government needs to make access to ALL types of treatments affordable and covered by insurance. We need an insurance plan that is affordable for all, not just some. Many times, people use money as an excuse to access support, and it’s a valid one. When you must decide between paying the bills or seeking out an energy medicine practitioner, it’s not going to bode well for the mental health of our society. I would love to see accessible and available mental health to all communities (including energy medicine). Bridging the gaps on all levels.
What are your 6 strategies you use to promote your own wellbeing and mental wellness? Can you please give a story or example for each?
1. Meditation: For the past 2 years I have engaged in meditation at least 1 hour each day. Meditation has been a game changer for me. I can shift my thoughts and brain patterns, usually entering a deep state of peace, calm and connection with the universe. I used a variety of mantras or positive statements to repeat when in the Theta Brain waves, which can reprogram your brain. The biggest way it’s aided me, is that I am aware that I am a part of something bigger than me. I’ve felt it firsthand. Knowing how to access that guidance has been a game-changer for me.
2. Energy Medicine: Every day I clear my energy. I am aware that we are all energy and so everyone I encounter is exchanging energy with me. While I may adore some of these people, I also value keeping my energy as clear as possible, so I cut cords and ask for protection throughout my day. I feel so much lighter and free as I do this practice. I remember when I first started as a therapist and before I knew about the power of energy, I would literally feel like my clients were riding home with me in my backseat. I was holding so much of their energy as a healer. I’ve since set better energetic boundaries and protocol.
3. Prayer: Every morning I ask for my benevolent and unconditionally loving support system to guide and protect me throughout my day. When I feel overwhelmed or anxious, I ask for help. There is a Law of Free Will, where unless we ask for help or support, it cannot be given. So, I no longer allow myself to struggle alone. I call upon my helper team. The more I build a relationship with these invisible (to most) forces, the answers and guidance I need tend to show up quickly. I have learned through experience that we are FULLY supported on our journey. Ask and surrender to the guidance.
4. Friendships: Through my healing journey, I have disconnected entirely from my family of origin. As a result, I have built a supportive network of friends. I have learned which friends are helpful in which circumstances. I am not shy to reach out and ask for support. Friends are my family. I have learned that people cannot read minds. You have to be willing to ask for help if you need it. Be brave. Just ask. “That’s what friends do Bubba, we stick together,” Forrest Gump.
5. Take Courses & Read Books: I really value learning. If there is a pattern or theme in my life, I want to understand it. I am known to ask for guidance and then wait for an answer to show up. If you hear the same book title 3–10 times, this is not a coincidence (just saying from experience). We are all each other’s teachers and students. I’ve been led to in person courses like Brian Weiss’ Past Life Regression training or Cyndi Dales Energy Medicine courses. I’ve also been led to online course about Public Speaking or Writing. I love being a student in life.
6. Power of Thoughts: When I realized that we are all having experiences in life and our thoughts create our reality, I wanted to understand how to shift my script. We are programmed to think certain belief systems from birth to 7 years old, when in primarily theta brain waves. We don’t have the capacity to cognitively challenge what we’re told, so we accept it as truth. As I learned we can shift our thinking and when we do so, it literally changes our reality: I was sold! I started to practice mantras during meditation (theta brain waves). More importantly, I hired an intuitive healer to begin to shift my thought energy on the metaphysical level. My life changed! I was no longer bound by shame-based belief systems. I finally began creating the reality I wanted! Then I applied Law of Attraction and Manifesting principals to enhance my results. Thoughts really do create reality.
7. Mental Health Days: When I was on my big healing journey, I was a hot mess some days. Not going to be at the top of my game as a therapist type of days. I decided that I needed to honor my healing process and started to take mental health days. I would lay in bed all day. Sleep, cry, sleep, cry. Wash-rinse-repeat. These days were a gift to me. I finally gave myself permission to heal. I am a believer that stopping the game of being so busy and distracting from our inner pain is critical in healing our inner shit.
What are your favorite books, podcasts, or resources that inspire you to be a mental health champion?
1. Many Lives Many Masters: Brian Weiss
2. The Universe Has Your Back: Gabrielle Bernstein
3. Daring Greatly: Brene Brown
4. Power of Now: Eckhart Tolle
5. You Can Heal Your Life: Louise Hay
6. Youtube: Wayne Dyer
7. Youtube: World Peace Projects with Chloe Hudson
8. Youtube: Teal Swan
9. Youtube: Abraham Hicks
Thank you so much for these insights! This was so inspiring!
Women of the C-Suite: “Always remember no one is truly self-made” with Linda Olson and Fotis Georgiadis
Always remember no one is truly self-made, and always look for ways to lift others so they can reach their potential too. Lifting others is not only a responsibility, but you will also find you can learn something too.
I had the pleasure of interviewing Linda Olson, the CEO & founder of Tampa Bay Wave, a 501c3 nonprofit that has supported 270 tech startups since 2013 with an accelerator program, coworking, and other services. Collectively, these startups have raised over $200 million and created over 1,500 jobs. With extensive mentor and investor networks, Wave’s accelerator is the only Florida-based accelerator accepted into GAN, the global accelerator network. Linda has been a founder or management team member of several tech startups since 1999. Prior to that, Linda managed ERP implementation projects for Fortune 500 companies with Arthur Andersen. Linda is an original member of Startup America Partnership, founded by the Case Foundation in 2011, and is currently an active member of Startup Champions Network. Linda serves as an Honorary Commander at MacDill Air Force Base and serves on the advisory boards at the Straz Center, Centre for Women, and Visit Tampa Bay.
Thank you so much for doing this with us! Can you tell us a story about what brought you to this specific career path?
What a question! Certainly, no kid has ever said they want to be an entrepreneurial ecosystem builder when they grow up, and neither did I. Instead, this Florida native found herself working for a dotcom in Boston in the late 90’s, and I was bitten hard by the entrepreneurial bug. By the mid-2000’s, I was back in Florida running my own tech startup and found my hometown of Tampa Bay seriously lacking in capital, talent, mentorship, and other resources that I had grown accustomed to in Boston. I expected some gaps in our local ecosystem, but they were much bigger than I had anticipated.
In Boston, specifically Cambridge where I had lived and worked, it was hard to avoid people who were running startups, investing in startups, working for startups, wanting to work for startups, etc. Back in Tampa Bay, it was quite the opposite in the mid-2000’s, and it didn’t help that I was trying to build a tech startup around the time of our country’s greatest recession. Over the next couple years, I managed to come across a dozen tech entrepreneurs like myself in Tampa Bay and decided we would all be best served by sticking together, sharing resources, comparing notes, and fostering a peer support group.
Ultimately, I found my true calling in life. I decided to put my own startup on hold to change my hometown’s future. Now I work with over 100 startups each year with a nonprofit I founded, called Tampa Bay Wave. The work we do not only helps these startups reach their full potential, but we are also helping to weave the ecosystem fabric of Tampa Bay’s future so that hundreds more can also reach their full potential.
Can you share the most interesting story that happened to you since you began leading your company?
The most interesting story has to be how Tampa Bay Wave went from an all-volunteer, zero-budget meetup to becoming a nationally-recognized organization. That’s right. Wave began as merely a meetup for local tech startups. However, after a few years, it became clear that unless there is a more coordinated effort, the ecosystem in Tampa Bay would continue to fall short. In my heart, I simply wanted to break the myth that tech startups cannot grow and thrive in my hometown.
After corralling a few local people who shared a similar passion and believed in this vision for a nonprofit that could change the economic makeup of my community, we got to work on a strategic plan, even though we had no way to fund it… yet. And while none of us came from economic development, academia, or even the world of nonprofits, perhaps this story is an example of when ignorance is bliss.
Around the time we wrapped up our shell of a strategic plan, I came across an announcement for a $1 million grant from the U.S. Economic Development Administration, an arm of the U.S. Department of Commerce, to launch proof of concept centers for innovation in communities like Tampa Bay that had been hit hard by the recession. On the surface, this was exactly the kind of grant we needed to start funding our vision. However, my all-volunteer operation had no chance of winning such a grant (or so I thought), especially considering this grant required a $1 million match from the local business community. At the time we had no experience writing grants of any nature and this grant was due in less than four weeks.
Incredibly, serendipity played a hand as did massive support from the local business community and partners such as the University of South Florida, Florida Blue, Sykes Enterprises, AVI-SPL, Tribridge, and many others. In the fall of 2012, our grant proposal was awarded, and the rest was history.
Can you share a story about the funniest mistake you made when you were first starting? Can you tell us what lesson you learned from that?
Some people might not consider this a mistake, but we certainly learned a few things about these federal grants. Federal grants are intended to fund programs; not necessarily help launch a brand-new organization. So, while everyone in Tampa Bay was celebrating that we had just won this grant, I was looking at the $4,000 in our bank account and knew we had nowhere near the minimum $135,000 of working capital on hand that we needed to start hiring and signing a lease. We literally had no way to even begin operations since this was an expense reimbursement grant, and all the corporate matching dollars were committed but slow to come in. Because this federal grant was such big news, I knew that I could not fail to launch without a lot of public egg on my face. However, within about three months, I was finally able to collect enough nickels and dimes, and we finally launched operations in March 2013. And if that wasn’t enough, I became pregnant in the middle of all the chaos, only making the situation that much more interesting. I told my husband if we had a boy, I was going to name him Grant.
What do you think makes your company stand out? Can you share a story?
The Tampa Bay Wave story stands out because this is truly a story of a community coming together for good. There is no way we could have landed this first federal grant without an unbelievable amount of community support. Several major companies in town chipped in with matching cash and sponsorship dollars to help us launch our programs and services. Surprisingly, even the local entrepreneurs themselves came out to help build this Wave story… literally. While we were able to collect enough funds to start hiring people and signing a lease, back in early 2013 we still didn’t have enough cash on hand to afford some of the basics, like furniture. The 16,000 square-foot office space we moved into was full of furniture, but frankly it was not the right kind of furniture for the kinds of programs we were launching or customers we were serving. So, we came up with the brilliant idea to throw a “build-your-own-desk party”. Local entrepreneurs showed up one evening with power tools and lots of creative energy, and we spent the evening busting apart the old furniture and making it into useful furniture for all. Even the local TV news teams came out to cover this story. It was kind of fun, and everyone was very proud of their accomplishments.
Are you working on any exciting new projects now? How do you think that will help people?
Wave is always working on new projects. I am incredibly excited for several new programs we are looking to launch in the next 12–18 months. Thanks to our membership in GAN (GAN.co) and our programs like our TechDiversity Accelerator that is powered by the Nielsen Foundation, we continue to explore opportunities that leverage both our experience and growing networks across the United States. For example, in the second year of our TechDiversity program, we attracted well over 400 applications, with more than 80% of applications coming from startups outside of Florida. So be on the lookout for some announcements from us in the next 6–18 months about other programs that will likely have a national reach as well.
What advice would you give to other female leaders to help their team to thrive?
Exude confidence. Leadership requires confidence because teams thrive on that confidence. As women, we are often socialized to undersell our strengths, and this can lead to a ‘quiet confidence’ that many people cannot easily see. Then again, I sometimes run into women who truly lack confidence, even though studies show that women-led teams outperform the men-led teams in terms of revenues and ROI. So, whether you are the quiet confidence type, or you struggle with confidence yourself, you must make it a priority to build and maintain that confidence, including surrounding yourself with a small group of other women leaders who support each other. Whatever it is you need, make it a priority and let it shine!
What advice would you give to other female leaders about the best way to manage a large team?
I believe every leader should maintain the perspective that you work for your team and not the other way around. What if your team could fire you? Well guess what? They do when they quit their job and leave for another employer. So, you must lead your team, small or large, in a way that you would want to be led yourself.
None of us are able to achieve success without some help along the way. Is there a particular person who you are grateful towards who helped get you to where you are? Can you share a story about that?
I certainly have a long list. However, Tony DiBenedetto is the person I’d like to mention here. He was the hiring manager who recruited me out of Florida State University to work alongside his team at Arthur Andersen. I learned a lot working under him for several years. Furthermore, he is truly instrumental in the entire story of Tampa Bay Wave. When I was looking to turn Wave from a meetup group into a non-profit, Tony was the guy who really helped open doors for me throughout the business community. At the time, he was CEO of Tribridge, a company that Tony ultimately exited from after it was sold in 2017 for over $150 million. Tony was a terribly busy guy, running a global technology company, and yet he made time to help. For example, Tony introduced me to Chuck Sykes, the CEO of Sykes Enterprises (NYSE: SYKE). Without this introduction and Chuck’s major influence on our successful U.S. Department of Commerce grant application, there would be no Tampa Bay Wave story.
How have you used your success to bring goodness to the world?
Not only have I built a successful organization, but it is also making an incredible difference in my home state. Wave helps local entrepreneurs build incredible job-generating businesses for the Tampa Bay community, employing hundreds today. Wave has also created a platform to help hundreds of others make important contributions that are building Tampa Bay’s future — as mentors, investors, and more. I can only imagine the impact this has on families throughout the region, including generations to come.
What are your “5 Leadership Lessons I Learned From My Experience” and why. (Please share a story or example for each.)
My 5 Leadership Lessons:
1. Know your authentic self, find your inner strength, and let it shine through. Everyone has super powers, and when you are properly tapped into your full potential, your options are endless.
2. Relationships are like rose bushes — you have to continually invest in taking care of them if you want them to bloom. In business, you need those relationships — as customers, vendors, employees, or even just connectors.
3. Don’t hold grudges. You need that brain power for better purposes.
4. Find your guideposts and stay focused on them, especially for the occasional storm.
5. Always remember no one is truly self-made, and always look for ways to lift others so they can reach their potential too. Lifting others is not only a responsibility, but you will also find you can learn something too.
You are a person of great influence. If you could inspire a movement that would bring the most amount of good to the most amount of people, what would that be? You never know what your idea can trigger. 🙂
I’ve always said that Wave’s mission will not be complete until we can connect the dots back to the kids in our community, especially the at-risk youth. Our local schools do a great job providing STEM education. However, I believe more kids would get turned onto tech and entrepreneurial paths if they witnessed those who they could relate to in their community achieving entrepreneurial success. If at-risk children are given the resources to work towards a career in technology, especially where the wages are far above the region’s median wages, we could change the lives of entire families and possibly break the poverty cycle for many as well.
Can you please give us your favorite “Life Lesson Quote”? Can you share how that was relevant to you in your life?
“All of the money in the world cannot solve problems unless we work together, there is no problem in the world that can stop us, as we seek to develop people to their highest potential.” — Ewing Marion Kauffman
Some of the biggest names in Business, VC funding, Sports, and Entertainment read this column. Is there a person in the world, or in the US with whom you would love to have a private breakfast or lunch with, and why? He or she might just see this if we tag them 🙂
Sara Blakely, the founder of Spanx. First, she has an amazing entrepreneurial success story and is also a woman and a native of Tampa Bay. As someone who is also an investor in Steve Case’s Rise of the Rest fund, I know she wants to empower underserved populations to pursue entrepreneurship and gain control of their economic future. She herself is living proof that exceptional talent is not limited to only the usual tech and entrepreneurial hubs. If she is willing, I would love to see if she has ideas for helping my organization inspire the next generation of entrepreneurs in Tampa Bay.
“Society, for their part, must cease linking mental health challenges to personal failings and violence.” with Dr. Risa Stein and Fotis Georgiadis
Ideally, individuals would share their struggles more openly. But, I recognize this still involves a measure of trepidation. Until we reach a tipping point where more people are comfortable doing so than are not, however, we won’t note a societal shift. Society, for their part, must cease linking mental health challenges to personal failings and violence. We must begin to view coping and mental health experiences as a spectrum. No one experiences a singular psychological state at all times. Variability is normal and we must extend our compassion and understanding to a broader range of human experiences.
I had the pleasure to interview Dr. Risa Stein. In 1993, Dr. Stein received her PhD in clinical pediatric and health psychology from the University of Memphis. Although she has worked with Department of Defense members and veterans as well as individuals and families from all walks of life, for the past 20 years, Dr. Stein has taught psychology at the undergraduate level. Over the past 25 years she’s authored over 60 professional peer-reviewed manuscripts, presentations, book chapters, and treatment manuals. She has also been featured and quoted in outlets including Women’s Health, Reader’s Digest, and Psychology Today. Currently, Risa is completing coursework toward an Master’s degree in Organizational Leadership. Dr. Stein has served as a faculty sponsor to her university’s chapters of Active Minds and University Innovation Fellows. In her role as creativity, innovation, and design thinking consultant, Risa has worked with a variety of universities, think tanks, and nonprofit agencies. When she’s not actively engaged in teaching and growing her nonprofit organization, GenuineU, Risa enjoys cocooning in bed and watching Netflix with her husband of 27 years and their two hypoallergenic dogs.
Thank you so much for joining us! Can you tell us the “backstory” about what brought you to this specific career path?
I have wanted to be a psychologist since I was about 5 years old. I have an uncle who is an experimental psychologist. At the time, he had an animal lab and I thought being able to work with monkeys would be great fun. Over time, as I delved deeper into understanding human behavior, my areas of focus in psychology morphed. I began researching delinquent offenders in graduate school and then shifted my focus to obesity and tobacco research. Several years back I became fascinated with design thinking, innovation, and creativity. While my focus has shifted over time, I have always wanted to improve the lives of others through psychology and teaching.
According to Mental Health America’s report, over 44 million Americans have a mental health condition. Yet there’s still a stigma about mental illness. Can you share a few reasons you think this is so?
Likely the number of individuals who suffer from mental health challenges and do not reach the threshold for diagnosis or never present for services despite significant challenges, is even higher. So, it makes very little sense that such great stigma should still prevail. Nevertheless, it is a dark cloud hanging over our society and most others. The reasons for this are numerous. First, the history of mental illness and our attribution of it to evil spirits or weak constitution still color our perceptions of it despite these notions being grossly outdated. Second, the media often pair mental illness with senseless acts of violence. This creates a perception of those with mental illness being scary, volatile, or unpredictable. Third, our society places great value on being independent, competent and in always in control. Admitting we need help or aid in any way is often frowned upon and viewed as weakness. Hence, there are many forces at play that work to ensure people who experience mental health challenges believe they are at fault, weak or inferior, and likely to be misunderstood.
Can you tell our readers about how you are helping to de-stigmatize the focus on mental wellness?
When we hear from our peers that they have experienced something akin to what we are experiencing, it validates us. It argues against the messages we receive that what we are going through others won’t understand and will look-down upon us for. GenuineU works to destigmatize mental health challenges in a couple of ways. First, the videos on the site are real, regular people. They share their mental health stories to let others know that they are not scary people, or weak, or at fault for what they experience.
In addition, with every video posted to GenuineU the myth that an individual is alone is diminished. Our tagline — We’re all in this together — is intended to demonstrate comfort with one another and the recognition that we share similarities that serve as the basis for human connection. Until we gain a sense of interpersonal connection, we continue to perpetuate the isolation and stigma surrounding mental illness.
Was there a story behind why you decided to launch this initiative?
Yes. In 2015, my son was a 2nd year software engineering student at Rochester Institute of Technology in upstate New York. At the time he was experiencing challenges with depression and anxiety. Thankfully, he was comfortable sharing his struggles with my and my husband. Still, the thought of him suffering kept me awake at night. In February of 2015, a student from RIT drowned himself in an icy Rochester lake. This young man was the son of a well-known ESPN writer and the headlines associated with his disappearance and suicide were highly visible. With the weight of my son’s difficulties on my mind, I felt this young man’s parent’s pain quite exquisitely.
Then, late in the summer of 2015, I created and hosted a workshop for high school students focused on creating ways to address mental health challenges among their cohort. The insights I gleaned from this group were both highly dismaying and instructive. The perspective and potential approaches they shared helped me view my students and consider means of addressing their challenges in ways I had not previously considered.
During this same time, I was working with the University Innovation Fellows program sponsored by EpiCenter. Along with a couple students, we attended a conference at the renown Stanford d.School. My ability to apply design thinking principles to the challenge of mental health stigma was vastly improved. I gained further insights after joining with a student to establish a chapter of Active Minds on my campus. Through Active Minds, I began to recognize the many students invested in mental health advocacy.
Unfortunately, during the fall semester of that same year, for the first time, I had two wonderful, intelligent, and caring students drop out of college for inpatient psychiatric stays. The heft of the year weighed very heavily on me. In the intervening time I worked to better understand the student experience, the pain points they confronted in addressing their challenges, and potential approaches to fill the gaps and address the oversights.
GenuineU was developed after I gained an additional understanding of business and entrepreneurship through the work in which I engaged en route to earning my Master’s degree in Organizational Leadership. The aim of www.GenuineU.com is to help address what I eventually came to see as three primary oversights in addressing students’ mental health needs.
1. Students frequently are not comfortable seeking mental health services. And, unfortunately, finding someone to relate to in an anonymous fashion can be very challenging.
2. Students who have learned to effectively cope with their mental health challenges have few uncomplicated and safe means of providing validation, support, and encouragement to their peers. This is particularly dismaying subsequent to a campus tragedy when students may desire to provide a more personal level of comfort to their peers.
3. Starting a conversation around mental health with an individual one is concerned about is typically very awkward.
On GenU, students with lived mental health experience can post videos and blog posts about their mental health journeys, so other students who feel alone and suffer quietly, can anonymously gain a sense of support. In addition, through our Send a Note of Support feature, anyone can input an individual’s email and the site will generate a note letting the recipient know that someone sees them and cares. I also came to realize how important it would be to ensure that students felt safe sharing their videos. For this reason, there is no capacity to “like” or comment on videos and notes of support are sent from the site to the recipient so the sender remains anonymous and there is no capacity to alter the message.
In your experience, what should a) individuals b) society, and c) the government do to better support people suffering from mental illness?
Ideally, individuals would share their struggles more openly. But, I recognize this still involves a measure of trepidation. Until we reach a tipping point where more people are comfortable doing so than are not, however, we won’t note a societal shift. Society, for their part, must cease linking mental health challenges to personal failings and violence. We must begin to view coping and mental health experiences as a spectrum. No one experiences a singular psychological state at all times. Variability is normal and we must extend our compassion and understanding to a broader range of human experiences.
The government and large corporations could recognize the need for mental health days just as they do for days of work missed due to physical illness. Insurance should include interventions for mental health on par with physical health. To continue treating each separately is unfounded and counterproductive to both.
What are your 6 strategies you use to promote your own wellbeing and mental wellness? Can you please give a story or example for each?
There are numerous approaches to promote well-being and mental wellness. Some that work for me, in particular, include getting out in nature for a hike, ensuring I attain adequate sleep, practicing kindness and compassion with others, engaging in my own rational-emotive discourse and “owning” the way I am prone to upset myself at times, engaging in an night time ritual of relaxation prior to bedtime, and maintaining lists to help me feel increasingly organized and in control.
What are your favorite books, podcasts, or resources that inspire you to be a mental health champion?
I have a difficult time focusing on podcasts. I do enjoy listening to the people I admire being interviewed by Tim Ferriss. I also really love TED talks. But, there are far too many I love to even start a top five list.
My all-time favorite self-help book is How to Stubbornly Refuse to Make Yourself Miserable About Anything, Yes Anything by the late great Dr. Albert Ellis. This book and training with Dr. Ellis created a more beneficial change in my life than anything else ever has. The other book that really resounded with me is Daring Greatly by Brene Brown. Maintaining a façade of invulnerability created many difficulties in my life. I’ve found I’ve been far more creative and productive since taking her advice to heart.
Thank you so much for these insights! This was so inspiring!
Women in STEM: “What we need more of is curious, inquiring minds that are willing to learn.” with Melissa Coats
Simply put, less judgment and more curiosity. This can be applied to both how we view ourselves and others. There is enough judgment in the world. What we need more of is curious, inquiring minds that are willing to learn. We need less “you are wrong and here’s why” and more “tell me about your experience, I want to listen.” We can practice this with others, but we can also notice when we are being critical of ourselves. We can flip the script from self-criticism to “tell me about your experience, what has you so afraid?” Being gentle with ourselves and others does not produce negativity, it produces connection.
I had the pleasure to interview Melissa Coats, a Licensed Professional Counselor specializing in anxiety management and sex therapy. Melissa strives to help her clients overcome issues regarding stress, sex, and self-esteem to lead a fulfilling and abundant life. Learn more about her practice and speaking availability at coatscounseling.com.
Thank you so much for joining us! I’d love to begin by asking you to give us the backstory as to what brought you to this specific career path.
I consider myself very fortunate in that I have known since I was young what I wanted to do with my life. As soon as I found out that veterinarians don’t get to just play with puppies all day, I was also beginning to figure out how much I loved to hear people’s stories. My mother always told me “everyone has a story.” She wanted me to consider that I never truly had all the facts about a person, so judgment was unproductive. But it was also an incredible gift she gave me, to be able to appreciate another’s experience; their journeys, pains, triumphs, fears, loves, and lessons.
I had seen my own therapist from a young age and I always thought how incredible it would be to help people feel better. Not in a medical sort of way, but in a soul capacity. Come to find out, the journey to becoming a therapist is filled with all sorts of self-exploration and discovery. It is not always an easy process. But it felt significant for me to participate in the journey that I would one day ask my clients to take. For that reason, I am continually in my own therapy. I am completely and utterly in love with my job. It is after all, one of the biggest relationships we will have in our lifetime. I consider it a great honor that people trust me with their stories and allow me to be a part of a chapter in their lives.
Are you working on any exciting new projects now? How do you hope that they might help people along their path to self-understanding or a better sense of wellbeing in their relationships?
Most of my projects center around helping people overcome issues with stress, sex, and self-esteem. My groups, webinars, and products are designed to help people begin to be curious about their thought patterns and beliefs that keep them stuck in anxiety, unhealthy relationships, or their own negative self-talk. All of these areas of life intersect and affect one another and so it is important to pay attention to all aspects of our health including physical, mental, emotional, spiritual, and sexual.
Throughout the year, I hold different therapeutic groups and workshops that focus specifically on boundaries, navigating sexual desire and spirituality, mindful living, and surviving relationships with people who have narcissistic tendencies.
I also am developing a series of worksheets to be used by therapists with their clients or for individual use in general on addressing negative thought patterns and transforming them into more productive narratives. There will be a series of worksheets for negative self-talk and a series for negative beliefs about sex available for purchase on my website soon.
Finally, I am always delighted to speak to groups about stress, sex, and self-esteem. I have spoken at various conferences and groups about topics such as boundaries, intentional living, sexuality and cancer, sex therapy, and anxiety. I can be contacted through my website to book speaking engagements.
Do you have a personal story that you can share with our readers about your struggles or successes along your journey of self-understanding and self-love? Was there ever a tipping point that triggered a change regarding your feelings of self acceptance?
My journey with self-love, care, acceptance, and understanding has been ever-changing and evolving. I believe it will continue to be for the rest of my life. And honestly, I wouldn’t have it any other way. I used to believe that there was a finish line when it came to full self-love realization. There was this imaginary ribbon that marked the end of the race and after I was finished, I would understand myself and be able to care for myself without flaw or interruption. But that only created a pressure to complete my journey perfectly, which in turn, was counterproductive to accepting myself! That line did not exist and I would get so frustrated when I felt it slip farther and farther away from me. When I allow myself to accept this as an ever-evolving journey, there is room for grace, patience, and growth. All of those things are much more productive in my journey than perfection.
I remember specifically a time when I was in graduate school. I had a goal to graduate with a high, and unachievable if I wanted to have a social life, GPA. My first class, the professor stood in front of us and told us the first thing we were going to learn was self-care. I chuckled internally, probably rolled my eyes, and thought “yeah okay, I am not here to learn how to take care of myself, I’m here to learn how to take care of everyone else!” I am amused now at how wrong I was then. The professor’s first assignment was to schedule time to do absolutely nothing that I didn’t want to do. We were not allowed to work or take care of responsibilities. We had 30 minutes to do only what felt nourishing, not draining. I remember standing in my kitchen looking at the sink of full dishes for the entire 30 minutes until I could do them! I believed that since I had the day off, I needed to use it to get everything on my to do list done. I have since learned what an uphill battle that is and that it is necessary to put the to do list away sometimes. But that day it was a major win in beginning my self-care journey.
According to a recent study cited in Cosmopolitan, in the US, only about 28 percent of men and 26 percent of women are “very satisfied with their appearance.” Could you talk about what some of the causes might be, as well as the consequences?
As we are growing up, our brains go through different stages of development. The brain receives messages from outside sources and those messages help us learn how to relate to the world around us and what it will take to get our needs met. Then we adjust our thoughts and behaviors accordingly. This does not happen on a conscious level, but it affects the way we think about ourselves in the long run. We are not born thinking “my body is awful and who could ever love me?” We are born demanding our needs be met or we will through a fit! But along the way someone or something tells us “you are not ok the way you are” and we begin to believe that in order to get our needs met, we must constantly be striving to be something different. We learn that in order to be loveable, accepted, or attractive, we must fit one certain mold.
This has so many negative impacts on the mental, emotional, physical, and sexual self. Physically, eating disorders may develop, or we push our bodies to unhealthy limits. Mentally and emotionally, we can develop anxiety, depression, perfectionism, negative self-talk, and a variety of stressful conditions that we believe we must tolerate. Sexually, many people find it difficult to feel at home in their own body, let alone with another person. Clearly these messages can affect each aspect of our health.
As cheesy as it might sound to truly understand and “love yourself,” can you share with our readers a few reasons why it’s so important?
The biggest, most important relationship you will ever have in your entire life is with yourself. I am the only person that has to spend every moment of my life with me. If you think about it, we will spend the most time, energy, and resources on ourselves. Do we really want to spend that much time with someone who is critical, demeaning, hurtful and sometimes downright mean? Most of us would never let a critical and toxic friend or family member follow us around 24 hours a day! We would be anxious and irritable. It would be so difficult not to feel depressed or drained. But that is what happens when we are hostile to ourselves and cannot love ourselves for the beautiful mess we are.
On the other hand, consider what it would feel like to allow a supportive, uplifting friend follow you around all day. Someone that would encourage you to grow and give you love and grace when you make a mistake. That person would make us feel safe and respected. The good news is, just as we are able to be our own self-critic, we are also able to be our own biggest supporter.
Why do you think people stay in mediocre relationships? What advice would you give to our readers regarding this?
We humans are very comfortable with what is familiar. Generally, we are not fond of unpredictability, even to the point that we will stay in uncomfortable situations because it is scarier than facing the unknown. So often I hear people asking “why do I choose the same type of person to date all the time?” or “why is it that my friends or partners remind me of my parent?” Subconsciously we will choose what is familiar and predictable. If we remain on that subconscious level, most likely things will only change when the fear of the unknown is less intense than the fear of remaining in the discomfort. But the good news is, we don’t have to remain on that subconscious level. We can work on being mindful about what draws us to our familiar place and be curious with ourselves about our own processes. It was Anaïs Nin that said “And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom.”
When we talk about self-love and understanding we don’t necessarily mean blindly loving and accepting ourselves the way we are. Many times self-understanding requires us to reflect and ask ourselves the tough questions, to realize perhaps where we need to make changes in ourselves to be better not only for ourselves but our relationships. What are some of those tough questions that will cut through the safe space of comfort we like to maintain, that our readers might want to ask themselves? Can you share an example of a time that you had to reflect and realize how you needed to make changes?
One of the red flags I pay attention to when I think of self-exploration is noticing when I am being judgmental. Usually when we engage in judgmental thoughts or behaviors toward someone else, we are really trying to solve a crisis or inadequacy we feel about ourselves. This is often referred to as the “shadow” self from Jungian psychology. What we judge others about is really our own shadow that follows us around. We don’t always see it, but we can’t seem to get rid of it.
For example, I noticed how irritable I would get around one friend in particular that seemed scattered to me. He was always late, he lived at home with his parents, he was messy and unorganized and for some reason, this pushed all the wrong buttons for me. I would be silently judgmental toward him and I’m sure that sometimes my irritation leaked out and was probably quite hurtful. Around that time, I learned about this “shadow” concept and was all of a sudden staring my own shadow straight in the face. With help, I realized that my irritation with what I perceived as his flaws were really my own fears about being inadequate and imperfect. Perfection and order meant a great deal to me, and confronting my own messy emotions was too difficult, so I put those feelings on my friend instead. After a lot of personal work, I still find myself on the perfectionism train sometimes, but it is easier for me to cut myself some slack and get off the train before it runs off the tracks.
So many don’t really know how to be alone, or are afraid of it. How important is it for us to have, and practice, that capacity to truly be with ourselves and be alone (literally or metaphorically)?
Again, I am the only person that will spend every moment of my life with me. If I am not comfortable being with myself or validating my own needs, my health will be negatively impacted in a variety of ways. We are social beings and we crave belonging and validation from the people we come in contact with each day. It is most certainly a very important part of life! However, if we cannot feel that belonging within ourselves, or practice self-validation, we will constantly be striving to fill a void.
I like to think of belonging and validation like a cake. The validation we get from others is like the icing; it’s tasty and wonderful and makes the cake look great! But we cannot live on icing alone, although we might try. We need something to put the icing on. Self-acceptance and validation is the substance that will sustain us when the icing is running low.
Also remember, this is a great ideal to strive for, but it is much easier said than done. We live in a society that often sends the message that we should never feel alone or there is something wrong with us. When we have spent so much time and energy trying not to be alone, it is very difficult to flip the script. But the more you work on self-acceptance and validation, the easier it will become.
How does achieving a certain level of self-understanding and self-love then affect your ability to connect with and deepen your relationships with others?
When we can understand, love, and accept ourselves, we do not have to depend on others to do it for us. We often tend to think self-love can be selfish, but rarely stop to examine how it is helpful to the others in our lives. Sometimes, without any malicious intent, we put the responsibility for our emotional satisfaction on others when we can’t do it for ourselves. What we get from others is only the icing, we need the cake! Others can’t give us the cake. So when we neglect to understand ourselves or take self-care time, we unknowingly add that pressure to the others in our lives. This can be straining on our relationships. Take time to consider that self-love and care are actually kind, loving, and respectful to the ones you love.
In your experience, what should a) individuals and b) society, do to help people better understand themselves and accept themselves?
Simply put, less judgment and more curiosity. This can be applied to both how we view ourselves and others. There is enough judgment in the world. What we need more of is curious, inquiring minds that are willing to learn. We need less “you are wrong and here’s why” and more “tell me about your experience, I want to listen.” We can practice this with others, but we can also notice when we are being critical of ourselves. We can flip the script from self-criticism to “tell me about your experience, what has you so afraid?” Being gentle with ourselves and others does not produce negativity, it produces connection.
What are 5 strategies that you implement to maintain your connection with and love for yourself, that our readers might learn from? Could you please give a story or example for each?
1. I schedule my self-care time. I still use a paper planner, but it can work with your phone as well. I treat my time with myself like I would an important appointment, because it is! If you use a paper planner, write it down (in pen!) and color code that sucker to mark it urgent. If you use your phone mark it !!! This works for me because when I notice myself getting anxious, irritable, or self-critical, I can look at my planner and see when the last time I did something nourishing for myself. Then I know, the time between then and now is too long to go without taking time for me.
2. Sometimes the mind has a difficult time being nice and self-loving. When that is the case and it is difficult to practice positive self-talk, I do something kind and loving for my body. Getting a massage, taking a long bath, stretching, even just a nice comforting gesture like wrapping a blanket around myself, can feel loving toward the body. When we do kind things for our body, we communicate to the mind that we are worth loving and it will eventually catch up.
3. I go to therapy. Even therapists need reminders to practice self-love! I use therapy as a way to take care of my emotional being so that I am not dependent on the others in my life to do it for me. It is so helpful sometimes to get the perspective of another person. A therapist can usually see what is in the blind spot.
4. I consistently evaluate my social life, both in person and on social media. I regularly check in with what feels draining about my social life and what feels uplifting. If there are social media accounts that are pushing the “shoulds” too often or posting things that spark feelings of shame or inadequacy, I hit the unfollow button. If there are relationships in my life that are challenging, I look into it. I ask myself what my contribution is to the challenge, if the boundaries need to be adjusted, or if there is a need in the relationship that is not getting met. Then I can decide how I want to handle the situation. It is not usually as simple as hitting the unfollow button! But there are plenty of things we can do to help make adjustments in relationships.
5. Practicing gratitude can be a wonderful way to infuse some positivity into our day. I usually try to write three things in the morning and three in the evening that I am grateful for. I recently adjusted this practice to include self-love. Each morning and evening I write one thing that I am grateful for about myself. It may feel counterintuitive and a little weird at first, but when you consistently express gratitude for yourself, you send the message that you are worth your own time and energy.
All of these things are wonderful and helpful to me, but I feel the need to add a disclaimer on this. I am by no means perfect at any of the strategies I just listed. Sometimes I miss days in my gratitude practice. Sometimes I let toxicity in my social life exist for way to long. And then I find myself being critical about not practicing my self-love perfectly. Which is entirely not the point! These are all helpful strategies, but be mindful about not beating yourself up if you don’t follow it perfectly. Be gentle with yourself and make adjustments to fit your own life and schedule. Self-love looks different from one person to the next.
What are your favorite books, podcasts, or resources for self-psychology, intimacy, or relationships? What do you love about each one and how does it resonate with you?
1.Dear Sugars Podcast: In the Dear Sugars podcast, Cheryl Strayed and Steve Almond offer advice on a variety of life issues through a non-judgmental, empathetic tone. Cheryl and Steve field questions from their listeners that touch on some of the most humanly vulnerable experiences we can have, and they do it in a way that is without shame. This podcast has helped so many people, including myself, feel less alone in the world.
2. Where Should We Begin? Podcast by Esther Perel: In the Where Should We Begin podcast, Esther Perel guides us through her recordings of real life couples sessions and shares her insights for a better understanding of some of couples most intimate moments. I love how Ester shares her extensive knowledge in the field of sex therapy while also adding the voices of real couples facing real issues. What I appreciate about this podcast is the de-stigmatization that occurs when individuals can hear first hand similar experiences from people in relationships like theirs, as well as what a couples sex therapy session is really all about. As a mental health professional, I am all for anything that makes therapy less scary and more accessible to people who haven’t considered it an option before.
3. Self Journal from Best Life Co.: Being a type A personality tends to mean that I like structure and prompts when it comes to journaling and keeping my life in order. The Self Journal has a great layout for daily planning and gratitude practice. It includes areas for your schedule, lists, gratitude practice, goal maintenance, and my favorite, a daily reflection brag zone. The brag zone is wonderful to get in the practice of celebrating even the smallest victories and incorporating self-love. I love this journal because it does help keep me on track without getting overwhelming. I also tend to use the goal maintenance zones for self-care and acceptance practices in addition to more concrete goals I have for my life.
4.Hold Me Tight: Seven Conversations for a Lifetime of Love by Sue Johnson: In Hold Me Tight, Sue Johnson describes common dialogues we all tend to find ourselves in with our partners and how to resolve and heal from conflict in these relationships. She offers wonderful insights from Emotionally Focused Therapy to help couples repair rifts in their relationships and be confident in knowing when they reach for their partner, their partner will be there. Hold Me Tight is a staple in my office for couples struggling to get back to each other emotionally.
5.Ending The Diet Mindset by Becca Clegg: In her book Ending The Diet Mindset, Becca Clegg covers a variety of mindsets we get stuck in that can have toxic effects on our health and self-love journey. These destructive mindsets have kept women feeling afraid, angry, and hesitant about their relationship with food. Becca’s proposal is that in order to improve your relationship with food, you must first improve the relationship with yourself. The journey through her book offers women the chance to uncover the underlying problems influencing the diet mindsets and gives the opportunity to practice self-love when it comes to food and the body.
6.Come As You Are by Emily Nagoski: Come As You Are is wonderful for understanding female sexuality, and has been the best resource I have seen to date on the subject. Emily Nagoski has a wonderful, comprehensible way of explaining the science and research that has been conducted over the years around female sexuality, but in a fun and engaging way. It also helps women clear the misconceptions they have learned about their sexuality and their bodies, as well as understand some of their own patterns. This book is near and dear to me because it holds so many “ah-ha” moments. It is truly wonderful to see the clouds clear as women begin to understand their own bodies and sexuality. Please note this book is geared toward cisgender women, but it is a wonderful resource for men as well.
You are a person of great influence. If you could inspire a movement that would bring the most amount of good to the most amount of people, what would that be? Maybe we’ll inspire our readers to start it…
I cannot fully express my sadness when I hear stories of trauma due to sexual violence, negativity, stigma, and shame. There are so very many misconceptions around sex and sexuality that lead to so much confusion when an individual’s experience doesn’t “fit the mold.” I encounter so many people who have felt lied to and shamed about their sexuality. Although sex positivity is on the rise, there are still so many traumatizing and damaging messages around sex that are unnecessary and hurtful. I would love for people to know that they are not alone in their feelings of shame and it is ok to shed the burden of negativity they have carried for so long.
Can you share how that was relevant to you in your life and how our readers might learn to live by it in theirs?
My mother’s voice comes to mind when I think of the life lesson quote I carry with me. Leah always said “Everyone has a story.” Through my time as a therapist I have come to find that she was right and that stories are meant to be heard and understood. It is a gift when I can learn about someone’s experience and it always reinforces my desire to be curious with people instead of jumping to judgment. I help people tell and write their story. And in that process, they can validate that they have a story worth hearing and come to love the story they create. It has taken me a while to believe that I have a story worth hearing, and if I can help others believe the same, I will carry my mother’s quote with me always.
Thank you so much for your time and for your inspiring insights!
“Make sure you have a strong handle on the basics before adding on anything else” with Rebecca Newman and Fotis Georgiadis
Have a strong handle on the basics: make sure you are sleeping, showering, eating nutritiously, taking your medications, and drinking water at a minimum before adding on anything else. If your oxygen mask is not secure, you cannot assist others. Investing in yourself first reminds you that you are your first priority.
I had the pleasure to interview Rebecca Newman, MSW, LCSW, a psychotherapist and writer from Philadelphia, PA. She provides individual therapy at the Thomas Jefferson University Physicians Department of Psychiatry and Human Behavior in Philadelphia. Previously, Rebecca has worked as a therapist at a residential facility for treating eating disorders and at a methadone maintenance facility, with further experience in violence intervention, Employee Assistance Program counseling, and drug and alcohol treatment research. Rebecca earned a BA from Oberlin College in Creative Writing and an MSW from the University of Pennsylvania, where she received the John Hope Franklin Award for Combating American Racism. She specializes in working with eating disorders, anxiety, depression, infertility, substance abuse, relationships, grief and loss, gender and sexuality, trauma, and adjustment to life changes. Information about Rebecca and her work can be found at www.rebeccanewmansown.com.
Thank you so much for joining us! I’d love to begin by asking you to give us the backstory as to what brought you to this specific career path.
Stories have fascinated me for as long as I can remember. My first jobs were at the local library and in a video store, where I had ready access to media where I could watch the layers of someone’s story unfold and begin to understand their complexity. This curiosity led me to a degree in Creative Writing, in tandem with developing increasingly meaningful friendships and relationships where a sense of emotional intimacy and confidence were strong. I wondered what it would be like to come off the written page to be with others through their journeys and stories, and decided to pursue social work. Clinical Social Work is all about centering the individual in their story, and now, as a therapist working with people long-term, I find so much meaning in bearing witness and acting as a support to people through the diverse changes in their lives.
Are you working on any exciting new projects now? How do you hope that they might help people along their path to self-understanding or a better sense of wellbeing in their relationships?
I am working on pieces and presentations about the idea of toxic positivity, which is the “silver lining” mindset. The idea that positivity is overall a “choice” and the practice of forcing yourself from one emotional state into its complete opposite can be very damaging to people when there are very real reasons for the distress. Understanding the factors that are contributing to one’s experience and identifying an ideal destination are helpful practices, and I think it is important to build the muscle of emotional coping and tolerating the distress, without trying to change it quickly because it is uncomfortable. Often, we feel the pressure to “be positive” for the benefit of others and not being a “burden,” and I think it is important to center yourself in the experience and work from where you are.
Do you have a personal story that you can share with our readers about your struggles or successes along your journey of self-understanding and self-love? Was there ever a tipping point that triggered a change regarding your feelings of self acceptance?
Just as I was starting to find my stride with confidence in college, I had a job for a student organization in which I performed very poorly, and my peers were unforgiving about my failure. It took years for me to separate my poor performance from the emotional impact of my surrounding community thoroughly rejecting me, and in a way, they were two separate healing processes. First, I had to stop punishing myself for how I did in that role, which was a challenge as someone who had linked my sense of self with my accomplishments. Then, I had to heal the pain of rejection by people who were important to me. Gradually, I came to realize that this experience was not a predictor for how I would do in other roles with other responsibilities, and that I have a lot of compassion and generosity to give to others, and continuing to turn that self-loathing inward made it difficult for the generosity to make it to the surface. After I began to let go of that job as the center of gravity of my life, I started the ongoing process of accepting this experience as one of many points in the constellation of my story.
According to a recent study cited in Cosmopolitan, in the US, only about 28 percent of men and 26 percent of women are “very satisfied with their appearance.” Could you talk about what some of the causes might be, as well as the consequences?
The discrepancy between where you are and where you “should” be is shellacked across everything we consume, from media to food to vacation brochures. We have been absorbing messages about appearance — bodies, skin, hair, teeth, and clothing — since we first became able to categorize as children. Humans categorize to organize the world around us, and because ideal standards occupy such a narrow sliver of lived experience, most people feel like they do not or could never belong in that group. Consequently, we are looking to be simultaneously more or less — weigh less, have less body fat, have more muscle, have shinier hair, have clearer skin, have straighter teeth, the list is endless. Furthermore, it sends the heteronormative gender message that men should become more — stronger muscles, taller, broader, and that women should become less — smaller, weigh less, and by extension, take up as little space as possible. By telling women to disappear and men to take up space, we remain stuck in the hamster wheel of dissatisfaction, with not only our appearances, but also how we exist in the world.
As cheesy as it might sound to truly understand and “love yourself,” can you share with our readers a few reasons why it’s so important?
The sense that “I’m a failure” or “I’m not loveable” often plagues our truest senses of self. Because it feels too overwhelming to move through the world with that gaping emotional wound on display, we develop a set of conditions to be “enough,” like maintaining a certain weight, certain attire, academic achievement, job success, relationships, family structure, exercise regimen, diet, or financial success. When our daily life threatens one of those conditions, it is a direct shot to our sense of self, and the epicenter of our insecurities, because these conditions are imperative to our emotional survival. Adopting the internal notion of “I’m okay the way I am” de-escalates the stress placed on the outward-facing conditions, lessening the degree to which they provide a false sense of emotional protection. When we can adopt the belief that “I’m okay the way I am,” we start to operate differently in the world, and rather than making anxious, protective choices based in fear that we will be “found out” as a failure, we can use that self-respect and self-love to make empowered choices.
Why do you think people stay in mediocre relationships? What advice would you give to our readers regarding this?
It is dramatically easier to stay in something mediocre than to leave, in any setting. A bad relationship is clearly not viable and needs to end, but pockets and moments of good times pepper a mediocre relationship enough to make the choice difficult. Often, you will not realize that you are in a reinforcement schedule with your partner — they are giving you just enough good stuff or kindness to keep you engaged in the relationship through the drudgery most of the time. Our fears about never finding someone else or being alone tend to keep us engaged in the reinforcement schedule of just enough to be not “bad.”
A relationship should facilitate you and your partner in thriving, both as independent parties, and together. Yes, relationships have challenges and require work, although the way you feel most of the time is the actual tone of the relationship. If you find yourself working far more than you’re feeling nurtured or able to thrive, it may be time to evaluate the situation and move on.
When we talk about self-love and understanding we don’t necessarily mean blindly loving and accepting ourselves the way we are. Many times self-understanding requires us to reflect and ask ourselves the tough questions, to realize perhaps where we need to make changes in ourselves to be better not only for ourselves but our relationships. What are some of those tough questions that will cut through the safe space of comfort we like to maintain, that our readers might want to ask themselves? Can you share an example of a time that you had to reflect and realize how you needed to make changes?
“If I were looking in from the outside, how would I see this situation differently and what would I tell myself to do?” or “If my best friend were going through this, what would I tell them to do?” Often, our anxieties steep us in a situation that we cannot see alternate perspectives or possibilities, or the impact of our choices and actions on others.
One year, I was thrilled that my best friend (to this day) was throwing me a birthday party at her house. I had previously been apprehensive about celebrating out of insecurity that the event would be under-attended, and it felt good that my friend wanted to celebrate this occasion with me. During the planning stages, she realized another friend’s birthday was close to mine, and she wanted to include him as well. I panicked, thinking I was not going to feel “celebrated enough,” and part of me was making up for time lost to insecurity and doubt. I became increasingly rigid about what I wanted, seeing the only possible solution for me to feel “special” or “important” was to be center stage at this event. We had a heated conversation in which she said, “This makes me feel like I’m not doing enough when I’m trying to celebrate your birthday.” I had a harsh moment of clarity as I saw her upset, feeling like what she was doing was not good enough, and that I could not be generous enough to share with another person. It called me to evaluate the rigidity I displayed, its source, and the continuum of flexibility in a relationship. I needed to see someone important to me frustrated with my behavior to realize the importance of adopting a more selfless attitude.
So many don’t really know how to be alone, or are afraid of it. How important is it for us to have, and practice, that capacity to truly be with ourselves and be alone (literally or metaphorically)?
From an evolutionary perspective, community is the most important commodity we have. In earlier iterations of human life, we could not survive outside the group. We needed to pool resources, hunt together, shelter with one another, and care for one another. Loneliness taps into our deepest senses of fear that the isolation will be permanent, threatening our survival.
In contemporary society, we are usually able to meet our basic survival needs, but the camaraderie of connection remains one of the greatest needs we experience. Building an understanding that recharging our batteries in solitude can give you the opportunity to explore interests that are meaningful to you without temporarily compromising with others. Evaluating the source of the fear of being alone objectively can clarify that your survival needs are met, and reduce the intensity of the anxiety that you will be “alone forever.” Once you push through that initial panic of loneliness, we are better able to explore our interests, passions, and importance of exploring our own needs independently.
How does achieving a certain level of self-understanding and self-love then affect your ability to connect with and deepen your relationships with others?
When you have a strong sense of self about your values, desires, passions, and preferences, forming relationships with others that align with those concepts becomes easier and your relationships become more fulfilling as a result. Seeking to understand those ideas about yourself through the lens of another person will likely lead you to make changes within yourself to fit your perception of their needs. A sense of self-love is necessary to maintain an authentic connection with your own values, which in turn, empowers your relationships to be more genuine.
In your experience, what should a) individuals and b) society, do to help people better understand themselves and accept themselves?
For individuals, begin by appreciating what makes you who you are, instead of punishing yourself for the ways in which you are not the way you think you should be. Every single person’s shape and form are different, and our brains and personality are equally unique. Societally, we seek similarity in our lives. We get along best with people who share our experiences and beliefs, we find it comforting to consume a certain genre of media, and we eat variations of the same foods or cuisines. By appreciating the elements of the familiar that make you comfortable, you can come to love those parts of yourself, and then in turn, begin to challenge yourself moderately to open up to new experiences, without blaming yourself for not being where you “should” be.
What are 5 strategies that you implement to maintain your connection with and love for yourself, that our readers might learn from? Could you please give a story or example for each?
Have a strong handle on the basics: make sure you are sleeping, showering, eating nutritiously, taking your medications, and drinking water at a minimum before adding on anything else. If your oxygen mask is not secure, you cannot assist others. Investing in yourself first reminds you that you are your first priority.
Take a day off: Take a day where you do not do what you “have” to do, do things towards which you feel compelled. This is not a day to check off items from your to-do list, or do what would be practical, but to listen to your body and mind. This might lead to doing something “practical,” or entirely based in leisure, or a combination of both categories. The point is to get into the practice of listening to yourself for guidance.
Trim dead ends to inspire new growth: This applies to everything. We need fresh edges to inspire change. Are you hanging on to things that feel like they are cluttering your space? Are there relationships that you have outgrown, where you could feature those people less in your daily life? Are the ends of your hair looking split and haggard? A houseplant plagued by browning leaves? Trim, trim, trim.
Look ahead a couple of moves: Yes, a pedicure or indulgent dessert feel like great self-care, but once the experience has ended, they are over. Think about ways that you can make your life and schedule more sustainable. Can you wake up 15 minutes earlier so you do not feel as frantic getting to work every day? Could planning your meals over the weekend cut out some of that Wednesday night anxiety of “What are we going to eat?!” True self-care is making lasting changes that will positively affect your quality of life.
Set a concrete goal: We have fewer opportunities for achieving a goal as adults outside of our professional spheres. As a child, semesters and grades are the rhythm of life, punctuated by each school year, and our opportunities for concrete accomplishments dwindle as we age. Climb to the top of a rock wall at a climbing gym, train to run a race (of any distance), or resolve to make your kids’ Halloween costumes from scratch. Take a class in something new, try a Great British Baking Show technical challenge, do something that has a clear start and finish to remind yourself that you can accomplish things.
What are your favorite books, podcasts, or resources for self-psychology, intimacy, or relationships? What do you love about each one and how does it resonate with you?
Dear Sugars/Tiny Beautiful Things: The guidance and advice are thoughtful and beautifully written. When Cheryl Strayed and Steve Almond teamed up for the podcast, they complemented each other’s’ styles and sensibilities well. They tell the truth about relationships as they see them, and are forthcoming about their foibles, creating a uniquely human sense of truth to their advice.
Forever 35: Kate and Doree are two friends who demonstrate how adult friendship is done — they are compassionate to one another while inspiring each other to be a better person and achieve more.
Savage Lovecast: Relationships are not one-size-fits-all, and Dan Savage is highly skilled at adapting to what his listeners ask him and provides thoughtful insights about how to take care of yourself and those you love.
Where Should We Begin?: Esther Perel comes to all of her insights about working with couples with an understanding of intergenerational trauma from her own life (her parents were Holocaust survivors), and uses a mix between psychodynamic techniques and real-time interventions to improve communication between parties in a relationship.
You are a person of great influence. If you could inspire a movement that would bring the most amount of good to the most amount of people, what would that be? Maybe we’ll inspire our readers to start it…
“I’m okay the way I am. I can do hard things. Everybody’s life is different.”
Reminding yourself first that you are okay the way you are is essential. Note that this is not a total over-correction to artificial grandiosity or contrived self-confidence. This keeps you from trying to transform yourself fundamentally or take on too many defenses to convince the world that you are “good enough.” No matter what, you are okay the way you are.
We constantly underestimate our ability to do hard things. We tell ourselves a story that we have emotional limits and that we “just can’t,” when the reality is that you have emotionally survived every day of your life so far, and your emotions cannot physically harm you. While they can be uncomfortable, you can survive the emotions, and you can survive the challenges that present them.
The less you expect others’ experiences to look like yours, or your experiences to look like those of others, the sooner you can focus on what brings purpose and meaning to your life. Becoming fixated on the accomplishments or habits of others is a distraction. Your life is yours — live it.
Can you please give us your favorite “Life Lesson Quote” that you use to guide yourself by? Can you share how that was relevant to you in your life and how our readers might learn to live by it in theirs?
“I beg you, to have patience with everything unresolved in your heart and to try to love the questions themselves as if they were locked rooms or books written in a very foreign language. Don’t search for the answers, which could not be given to you now, because you would not be able to live them. And the point is to live everything. Live the questions now. Perhaps then, someday far in the future, you will gradually, without even noticing it, live your way into the answer.” — Rainer Maria Rilke
I first read this quote when I was a teenager, and it felt relevant to the uncertainty I felt about what was ahead of me. Was I ever going to find romance? Was I going to get into college? Was I going to grow into my facial features? Would I have a meaningful career? Where was I going to settle and create my own home? As life answered these questions simply by the passage of time, I realize that giving me the answers then would have been spoilers, ruining the excitement of discovery. In retrospect, I could not have predicted these outcomes at the time; they look completely different from what I imagined. It has helped me to keep from making excessive and rigid plans about the future; I know that I can intend to move in a certain direction, and need to be capable of adapting to a sea change along the way.
Women in STEM: “ The media should seek to portray mental illness honestly rather than perpetuating stigma and stereotypes.” with Leesha M Ellis-Cox and Fotis Georgiadis
Children spend the bulk of their day at school, and most adults are in the workforce. However, mental illness negatively impacts academic and occupational functioning for children and adults. Schools should implement programs designed to bolster communication skills, teach conflict resolution, and practice mindfulness, all of which positively impact emotions and behavior which leads to better mental health. Companies should make concerted efforts to support employee mental health by encouraging mental health days, creating a positive workplace culture that does not tolerate toxic employees or toxic bosses, and offering onsite therapy services through an Employee Assistant Program or other model that gives employees access to counseling services as needed. The media should seek to portray mental illness honestly rather than perpetuating stigma and stereotypes.
I had the pleasure of interviewing Dr. Leesha, Leesha M Ellis-Cox, MD, MPH, LLC. Dr. Leesha is a board-certified child, adolescent, and adult psychiatrist, dynamic public speaker, wife, mother, and best-selling author. Born and raised in Raleigh, North Carolina, Dr. Leesha earned both her Bachelor of Science and Doctor of Medicine degrees from the University of North Carolina at Chapel Hill. Upon graduating from medical school, she completed her general psychiatry residency training at Emory University School of Medicine in Atlanta, followed by a fellowship in child and adolescent psychiatry. She completed a second fellowship in Community Psychiatry/Public Health during which she obtained her Master of Public Health degree. She has lived and worked in Alabama for the last ten years and is the medical director at a community mental health center in Birmingham. In addition to her work as a full-time physician, Dr. Leesha is a leading authority on women’s and children’s mental health and a highly sought-after parenting expert. She has a heart for moms, especially those who struggle with mommy guilt, the nagging sense of inadequacy and constant fear of failing as a parent. Dr. Leesha, herself, is a mother to three energetic children ages 4, 8, and 11, so she knows first-hand how tough parenting can be. Through a collective of creative initiatives, she has created a safe space for moms to celebrate the motherhood but also lament its challenges. She wrote a book, she is hosting an amazing new conference, and is launching several other projects in the months to come, all designed to support mommy mental health and wellness. Dr. Leesha is changing the narrative for all moms, crafting a new story in which we, ourselves, and our communities intentionally and consistently support these women. Healthy moms raise healthy children and families. Learn more about Dr. Leesha and read her illuminating blog at www.drleesha.com. Follow her on Twitter, Instagram, and her Facebook page @drleesha.
Thank you so much for joining us! Can you tell us the “backstory” about what brought you to this specific career path?
I fell in love with science at an early age. My first love was rocks and fossils, so I imagined myself as an archaeologist, discovering a giant dinosaur fossil. Then I wanted to follow in the footsteps of Jacques Cousteau, the famous oceanographer, except that I’m afraid of sharks. Then, I fell in love with medicine because of the heart and compassion of my childhood pediatrician, Dr. Burroughs. Pediatrics stuck, so I applied to medical school. I enjoyed my pediatrics rotation and learned so much, but the children I encountered were very sick. Some of those children died, and my heart broke. Pediatrics no longer felt right for me. While on my child psychiatry rotation, I met a 12-year-old boy who was admitted to the hospital after he laid down in the middle street hoping a car would run over him and kill him. We began talking and he began to open up to me. I watched him slowly get better, his confidence growing and his smile returning as his depression began to improve. We worked as a team, the psychiatrist, the therapist, the nurse, me, the medical student, and this young man. He got better, and his transformation was almost magical. It was then I realized that psychiatry was for me.
According to Mental Health America’s report, over 44 million Americans have a mental health condition. Yet there’s still a stigma about mental illness. Can you share a few reasons you think this is so?
“I’m not crazy.” This is one of the most commonly uttered retorts I hear when I ask why individuals choose to forego mental health treatment. Other factors include:1) lack of access to mental health care because of the shortage of mental health providers and inadequate insurance coverage; 2) failing to recognize symptoms as indicative of a psychiatric illness such as mistaking several missed days of work as simply fatigue; 3) believing that psychiatric symptoms will resolve on their own without intervention; or 4) the pervasive inaccuracies that exist about many psychiatric illnesses like the belief that people with schizophrenia are violent. Unfortunately, the media and our health care system reinforce stigma and stereotypes, too. Those with mental illness are portrayed as “crazy” and “mad,” the deranged psychotic killer or the emotionally unstable woman with the wild eyes stalking her ex seen in television and movies. People who seek hospitalization for suicidal thoughts are sometimes placed in handcuffs and transported to the “psych ward.” We must do better.
Can you tell our readers about how you are helping to de-stigmatize the focus on mental wellness?
As a mother of 3 young children and a child and adolescent psychiatrist, I am uniquely positioned to address the needs of moms. I am intimately familiar with the challenges of parenting. Parenting is rewarding but also incredibly hard. Mommy guilt is real which can lead to mommy burnout and depression. As moms we are tough on ourselves, and society criticizes us, too. We need a safe space, a judgement-free zone within which we can celebrate motherhood but also lament its challenges. So, I am creating it. I wrote a book called Ditch the Mommy Guilt: A Blueprint for the Modern Mommy. This phenomenal book explores the root cause of mommy guilt and provides tangible strategies to kick that guilt to the curb such as dismantling parenting mistruths and building a rock star mommy tribe. I am also hosting the first annual conference, Motherhood: The Remix, which builds upon this theme of letting go of mommy guilt. “Ditching the mommy guilt” is so much more than a funny catchphrase, it’s a movement. We are tackling tough conversations armed with humor, transparency, and authenticity. At minimum, this is mommy mental health; but at the heart it is a full spectrum of wellness for women who are the glue that holds families together.
Was there a story behind why you decided to launch this initiative?
Accepted into and earned a full, four-year scholarship to UNC-Chapel Hill — check. Matriculated at UNC School of Medicine — check. First physician in my family — check. Completed my general psychiatry residency training and a combined fellowship training in Child and Adolescent Psychiatry and Community Psychiatry/Public Health at Emory University School of Medicine — check. I accomplished each academic feat without any hiccups along the way.
I married my love during my internship year in a beautiful ceremony at the Fernbank Museum in Atlanta, Georgia. A few of our stunning wedding photos were even featured in a regional wedding magazine. To make sure we had time to adapt to our new life as a married couple, travel, and enjoy each other, we elected to postpone starting a family for the first five years of our marriage. Once we decided we were ready to become parents, we went all in full throttle; but pregnancy and motherhood were kicking my butt. During my first pregnancy, I was diagnosed with an incompetent cervix, discovered when I went into premature labor just shy of 24 weeks. I was in the hospital for a brief stay then placed on bedrest for 14 weeks. With every cramp, twinge, or sensation of pressure, I feared the worst. I thought I was going to lose my baby. No one seemed to understand what I was going through as many of my friends would say something like, “Oh how nice, you get to stay at home all day and rest” when all I could think about was the complications my sweet baby might face if she arrived prematurely. She came at 37 weeks, small but loud. I now have 3 children, but my first one set the tone for my new identity as a mom, an identity riddled with mommy guilt. I struggled to breastfeed, so I hired a lactation consultant, read the latest books about breastfeeding, took fenugreek until my pores oozed the scent of maple syrup, drank mother’s milk tea, and pumped and pumped. Still, she had trouble latching, and I could not produce enough milk. I felt like a complete failure. Breast is best, and this mommy physician had to supplement with formula. I only stayed out of work for 6 weeks as I was finishing up my fellowship training, but other resident physician moms took 3 months — another mommy failure. Returning to work at 6 weeks meant that I had to send my newborn baby to daycare as I had no family close by to keep her at home for another few months — bad mom x 3. The day that really broke me was 8 years ago. Bailey was 3, and she and her toddler classmates had put together a special Mother’s Day tea for all the moms. I remember receiving a sweet invitation to the program; but with only a few days’ notice, I did not want to reschedule my entire afternoon clinic. I made the decision to skip the tea. When I arrived later that evening to pick up Bailey, she was devastated. Tears filled her eyes, and she softly said, “Mommy, where were you? Why did you miss the tea?” Instantly, I felt like I had been punched in the gut. I stammered, trying to find the right words to explain to my heartbroken 3-year-old why her mommy felt like work and patients were more important than spending the afternoon with her to enjoy tea and cookies. I could barely look her in the face. As tears welled up in my eyes, I grabbed her and hugged her tightly. I apologized profusely for my grave mistake. This was the failure of all failures, and I had totally botched this parenting thing. I quickly concluded, “I’m a HORRIBLE mommy.” It seemed like forever before I was able to forgive myself.
My experience with mommy guilt is not unique. Whether during conversations with the moms of kids I treat or with colleagues or friends, almost all mothers experience some degree of mommy guilt. Unaddressed, mommy guilt can lead to stress, mommy burnout, anxiety, and depression. I have personally witnessed the devastating impact of depression on moms and their children, and I don’t want this for any family. I am creating the change I desire to see.
In your experience, what should a) individuals b) society, and c) the government do to better support people suffering from mental illness?
A) Individuals — Treat everyone with kindness, show compassion, and take time to learn about those things that you don’t understand rather than remaining uninformed and ignorant. Remember there is no health without mental health so go see someone. Don’t be afraid to get help. It takes more courage to get help than to suffer in silence.
B) Society — Children spend the bulk of their day at school, and most adults are in the workforce. However, mental illness negatively impacts academic and occupational functioning for children and adults. Schools should implement programs designed to bolster communication skills, teach conflict resolution, and practice mindfulness, all of which positively impact emotions and behavior which leads to better mental health. Companies should make concerted efforts to support employee mental health by encouraging mental health days, creating a positive workplace culture that does not tolerate toxic employees or toxic bosses, and offering onsite therapy services through an Employee Assistant Program or other model that gives employees access to counseling services as needed. The media should seek to portray mental illness honestly rather than perpetuating stigma and stereotypes. Organizations should devise public anti-stigma campaigns much like has happened with campaigns against bullying.
C) Government — The federal government should enact several changes to better support individuals with mental illness. Here are just a few: 1) fully cover treatment for individuals seeking services along the mental health continuum from mild illnesses with treatment focused on preventing worsening of symptoms to serious mental illness that requires more intense services. Currently, insurance will only reimburse for services associated with certain diagnostic codes which limits treatment to only the most seriously ill unless you can pay for care out of pocket; 2) increase reimbursement for physician services; 3) implement workforce shortage initiatives to attract more physicians to psychiatry which would enlarge the pool of physicians available to deliver mental health services; and 4) provide grant funding for creative and innovative ways to deliver mental health services outside of the traditional clinic or hospital models that would also improve access and reach more people seeking something different but still desiring recovery from their mental illness.
What are your 6 strategies you use to promote your own wellbeing and mental wellness? Can you please give a story or example for each?
1) Prayer — My faith is my foundation, the very core of who I am. People will disappoint you, and circumstances may deter you, but God never fails. My belief in my Heavenly Father sustains me and ensures that I will always have access to His peace that transcends all understanding no matter what life may bring. I have always known there was more for me to than just see patients every day for the rest of my life but starting my own business has whisked me outside of my comfort zone and stretched my faith. I read my Bible and pray daily but especially when I am riddled with doubt and unsure of my next step. I find wisdom and clarity in scripture, and the word of God reminds me of my purpose.
2) Exercise — Exercise provides a multitude of benefits: a) releases endorphins, brain chemicals that create feelings of euphoria; b) decreases stress and anxiety; c) improves memory and cognition; d) improves sleep; and e) boosts self-confidence — all things that are good for my mental health and overall wellbeing.
3) Practicing real self-care — Self-care is a popular buzz word these days. Many envision self-care as spa days, girls’ trips, and retail therapy. But real self-care is so much more than doing things. Real self-care encompasses creating a healthy mindset that prioritizes your emotional well-being as much as your physical restoration. It means saying “no” to overextending yourself and tasks that don’t align with your purpose, freeing yourself from others’ opinions of you, and accepting your limitations; and it’s being okay with putting yourself first sometimes. Self-care is not selfish; rather it’s self-preservation.
4) Living life on my own terms — Living my best life is defined by me, not by society, my parents, or my friends. My life, my goals, and my dreams — all experienced on my own terms and this matters deeply to my mental health. What I do and how I live matter to my wellbeing. I answer only to 3 people, my God, my husband, and myself. Even now as I juggle a full-time medical practice, marriage, motherhood, and entrepreneurship, people wonder why I am so ambitious and feel the need to take on so many responsibilities. I believe that to whom much is given much is required, so I delight in the manifestation of my creative mind as I watch my dreams materialize.
5) Boundaries — We are not designed to be all things to all people, but many of us go through life like this. As I have gotten older and more mature, I understand how critical boundaries are to my mental health. Because of competing interests, I won’t make every PTO meeting and I can’t be room mom. Each child can participate in 2 extracurricular activities at most as much as for me as for them. I have grown confident in saying “no” to things and people that no longer work for me. Toxic relationships have no place in my life. Boundaries allow us to keep the good stuff in while simultaneously keeping the bad stuff out.
6) Rest — Rest is restorative, but we require emotional rest just as much as physical rest. I give myself permission to rest without guilt. I find emotional rest through reading books that inspire and encourage me and snuggling with my children. I make time to sit and do nothing, if only in 10-minute increments. I must decompress and quiet the overwhelming thoughts (the fear, the angst, and the what ifs) that daily fill my brain otherwise those thoughts accumulate and can derail my path. I also try to make sure that I get adequate sleep every night.
What are your favorite books, podcasts, or resources that inspire you to be a mental health champion?
More than any book or podcast, the patients I serve inspire me to be a champion for mental health. Their stories are ones of unimaginable pain, trauma, and heartbreak but also of hope, survival, and redemption. I treat survivors of sexual abuse, children with Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder (ADHD), men and women facing job loss and homelessness, and mothers diagnosed with depression after losing a child. They choose not to be defined by the sum of their circumstances but by their strength and their pursuit of wholeness. I am honored to be a part of and a witness to their growth and transformation.
“Push yourself to get out of your own head by getting out of your comfort zone” with Rachel Ann Dine and Fotis Georgiadis
Try new things. Whether it’s finally attending an art class or that adult soccer league you’ve been wanting to try, push yourself to get out of your own head by getting out of your comfort zone. Fear of the unknown will always hold a person back, and the days will keep passing by, so it becomes our responsibility to not allow it too and make the most of our lives!
As a part of my series about “Learning To Finally Love Yourself” I had the pleasure to interview Rachel Ann Dine, LPC. Rachel Ann was born and raised in the beautiful, coastal town of Pensacola, Florida. She grew up in a household where self-expression through creating art and playing the violin was heavily encouraged by her mother and father and feels today that this encouragement helped shape who she is. Rachel Ann was drawn to the field of psychology after attending a high school psychology class with a very inspiring, existentialist teacher and began volunteering at her hometown’s crisis hotline shortly thereafter which only solidified her love of mental health counseling. She obtained both her undergraduate and graduate degrees from the University of West Florida in Psychology, eventually becoming licensed to practice counseling in both Florida and now Virginia where she currently resides with her husband. She worked in agency settings over the course of about 14 years, gaining experience in acute and long term residential psychiatric hospitals, substance abuse, military and family counseling, working in an Emergency Department providing mental health assessments, and writing courses on psychiatric disorders for hospital staff. Rachel Ann believes a turning point in her life was when she let go of her fears of leaving the comfort of the agency counseling setting and started her own practice, Humanitas Counseling and Consulting, LLC, where she developed a niche skillset in empowering women and teens to be their best selves. In addition to owning a practice catered to women and teen mental health, she is a frequently asked community presenter and contributing writer to events and publications geared towards self-love and living empowered.
Thank you so much for joining us!
Are you working on any exciting new projects now? How do you hope that they might help people along their path to self-understanding or a better sense of wellbeing in their relationships?
Yes! As a matter of fact, I have just released my women’s wellness book, Live. Learn. Love. Real-talk tips for the woman who is ready to be her best self on Amazon for Kindle and print! In our world, women hear it all the time: practice self-care, love yourself, and be empowered, but sometimes it’s difficult to know exactly what these terms mean and how to practice them in your own life. Live. Learn. Love. provides realistic (real-talk!) ways women can achieve mental wellness in life, and throughout the book, there are reflective take-action assignments that help readers engage in self-exploration and goal-setting in order to be more self-aware, develop more self-love, and live the self-care lifestyle.
Do you have a personal story that you can share with our readers about your struggles or successes along your journey of self-understanding and self-love? Was there ever a tipping point that triggered a change regarding your feelings of self acceptance?
Honestly, the tipping point for me was in my mid/late 20’s when I decided to take a hiatus from dating after several back to back relationships that didn’t pan out well and left me feeling disappointed. On this conscious hiatus, I spent nine months cultivating a stronger relationship with myself — immersing myself in activities I loved like creating art/painting, going to the beach, running, taking myself out to events I was interested in (art festivals, the symphony, whatever looked appealing!), and spending time with good friends and family. I spent a lot of time by myself and look back and view those nine months as one of the happiest and most carefree times of my life because I truly learned to be okay alone which was also a complete confidence booster. After not dating for so long, it made me less tolerable of treatment that I didn’t deserve and I became very in tune with what I wanted from a potential partner. I encourage all men and women to take time to be alone and learn to love yourself without anyone else around — a major mindset shift occurs when you are able to validate yourself and not depend on external validation from others!
According to a recent study cited in Cosmopolitan, in the US, only about 28 percent of men and 26 percent of women are “very satisfied with their appearance.” Could you talk about what some of the causes might be, as well as the consequences?
I know we have all noticed it — the cell phone has basically become an extension of a person’s arm — which only means access to the internet and social media use has escalated. I believe the internet and social media have encouraged a false sense of reality — beautiful airbrushed photos, elaborate photo shoots with designer clothes only a small piece of the population could afford — are all over the place. It can be natural human instinct to develop a false belief you are less than if you don’t fit the same physical mold of the models and or people who you are being exposed to on the internet — to engage in a comparison of yourself and other people. Images can be very powerful, and the use of excessively thin and or airbrushed models can cause an impressionable teenager or adult who may be dissatisfied with their appearance to start engaging in over-exercising, restrictive eating or purging because he/she believes they need to look a certain way. Falling into the comparison trap also encourages low self-esteem or feeling as if something is wrong with you. Validation of self must start within, but unfortunately, I believe this age of technology, while it allows for much good, also can have a dark side if a person doesn’t already appreciate who they are first.
As cheesy as it might sound to truly understand and “love yourself,” can you share with our readers a few reasons why it’s so important?
Love yourself has become such a cliché statement, but it is so true! All love must start within. If you don’t truly love yourself, much less like yourself, whether you realize it or not, you will behave in ways that will prevent you from truly being who you want to be and or living the life you want to. So much happens at the subconscious level and it can become very easy to push how you feel about yourself aside and focus on external factors (read: distractions!), but when a person does this, nothing internally will change! When you achieve and practice self-love, you start letting go of toxicity in your life and instead, start only accepting what you deserve. I highly recommend seeking out a therapist if attaining self-love is confusing or a struggle — take the journey with someone!
Why do you think people stay in mediocre relationships? What advice would you give to our readers regarding this?
When I hear the term mediocre relationships, I equate the term to accepting less than you deserve and or staying in an unfulfilling relationship. Getting involved in and then staying in mediocre relationships can happen over time if a person goes from one relationship to another without a break or reflective period in between to evaluate what they want out of a partner/what didn’t go right with the last relationship, or perhaps the person has been with their partner since a young age and didn’t really know who they were at that time and now fear of the unknown and or, finances tie them to their current partner. When I have clients who present this as a source of stress for them, I start by asking them to define a list of traits their ideal partner would have. To write down on paper everything they have always wanted in a partner — emotionally, spiritually, physically, everything — I have noticed that this can be difficult for many people and they have never taken that time to define these traits. The next step when this is completed is to ask if their ideal traits match up to what is actually happening and then figure out specifics on the missing traits — is it a character issue, substance abuse or infidelity occurring, not feeling supported, and or not going on dates, etc.? The list helps to define what may be lacking and if the person is willing to, what can be worked on with their current partner. Key point here is people will only change if they want to, not if their partner wants them to. Very important for a person who is in a mediocre relationship to know this! Fear of the unknown will always hold a person back and to embark on life single can be scary — but when you’re accepting treatment you fully deserve and have always wanted, the payoff is so worth it.
When we talk about self-love and understanding we don’t necessarily mean blindly loving and accepting ourselves the way we are. Many times self-understanding requires us to reflect and ask ourselves the tough questions, to realize perhaps where we need to make changes in ourselves to be better not only for ourselves but our relationships. What are some of those tough questions that will cut through the safe space of comfort we like to maintain, that our readers might want to ask themselves? Can you share an example of a time that you had to reflect and realize how you needed to make changes?
I go into this in great detail in my book, Live. Learn. Love. because I believe it’s such a powerful tool for self-growth. While I’m a huge believer in knowing interactions that occur in your life are not always about you and instead are another person’s own emotional experience coming out, it’s so important — and healthy! — for a person to practice self-awareness and gain a sense of understanding on how he or she affects their slice of the world. If a person consistently has negative or even positive interactions/experiences with other people, it’s vital to engage in self-exploration to see what is working and what may not be. At the end of the day, we are the common denominator in all aspects in our lives. Consider this example: you’ve just been let go of your job and received feedback about a mistake you made. This is an excellent time to learn from what happened — not mentally beat yourself up — but use this situation to try to be better the next time around. Asking yourself honestly if you have a problem with anger, time management, and or communication skills, then taking steps to try to be better. I’m a major advocate of making lists about yourself, engaging in a self-study of sorts to figure out the traits that may need to be tweaked — especially if you observe a common emotional experience within yourself coming up after certain interactions or situations. I encourage you to reach out to a therapist if you have trouble doing this on your own — self-reflection and understanding can be a difficult process and therapists are trained to pick up on emotional experiences that you may not even realize are occurring!
So many don’t really know how to be alone, or are afraid of it. How important is it for us to have, and practice, that capacity to truly be with ourselves and be alone (literally or metaphorically)?
When you spend time cultivating the relationship you have with self and learn to love and like who you are at the core level, it causes you to be less tolerable of negative treatment from others. If the foundation of self-love and knowing what your boundaries are in life are strongly intact, it also promotes an overall sense of confidence and well-being. You’ll be less likely to second guess yourself and be more intentional on the people, places, and things you allow to come into your life. Think about it this way: if you set a foundation for self-love, then you’ll know (and be much less likely) to let anyone or anything into your life that doesn’t also honor you! Achieving comfortability in being alone is vitally important because at the end of the day, even with the most supportive partner, family, or friends, we’re still all alone because no one lives in our head or body with us. Get in touch with yourself and practice kindness with your self-talk and thoughts — practice experimenting with solo activities you’ve always wanted to do (the art class, the bicycling adventure, the yoga class) and build a strong foundation of self-love that will set the tone for all other areas of your life.
How does achieving a certain level of self-understanding and self-love then affect your ability to connect with and deepen your relationships with others?
When you intimately know who you are and your areas for improvement as well as your strengths, you’re better able to live authentically. If you know you’re impatient, or can easily say unkind things when angry, then when situations arise where you may act less than, you can not only own your mistakes but work on improving! Being in relationships with others is a practice of humility, of knowing when you may have messed up and then working to correct your response the next time. Likewise, when you know who you truly are and what you need from your relationships with others, you’re more apt to find people who meet these needs, thus causing you to feel fulfilled and content. This may sound like a silly example, but I’m a homebody. I recharge by spending time in my home and when I dated my now-husband, he was on the same page. If he needed to recharge by going out all the time, I don’t know how well we would have worked out! There is such a thing as opposites attract and if it works for you, that’s perfect, however, what you need from your relationships is going to be different from other people you may know — and achieving a level of self-understanding and self-love allows relationships to deepen because you’re being authentic (and true to yourself!) by choosing friends and a partner who meets your unique needs.
What are 5 strategies that you implement to maintain your connection with and love for yourself, that our readers might learn from? Could you please give a story or example for each?
1. Pay attention to your feelings, your gut instinct, and intuition. These innate tools have been gifted to us for a reason and when you ignore those little pangs that cause you to feel unease after an interaction with say, a date, a job interview, or a new, potential business partner, you can start to become disconnected with self, not too mention get yourself into trouble! Paying attention to how you feel and being in touch with your gut instinct will only aid in developing more self-awareness — and being self-aware is both healthy and empowering.
2. Be intentional in your life about where, who, and what you are giving your time and energy to. Are the people, places, and things you are engaging with serving you well and helping to propel you forward to be your best self? If they are not, it may be time to start letting go and cultivating boundaries on what you will and will not tolerate in your life.
3. Be okay spending time by yourself and find activities to engage in that bring you happiness in your life. My go to activity for creating happiness and reconnecting with myself is creating art. When I moved 14 hours from my hometown several years ago, I painted a self-portrait. Being a true analyst, when I reflected back on why I had created this portrait, and why I felt such a sense of peace, I realized the self-portrait was a reminder that no matter where I live, what I do, I’m still the same person. It allowed me to reconnect with the artistic side of myself and was very comforting. I tell you this example to encourage you to find your own activities that instill a sense a joy and happiness because they are excellent tools for staying grounded and connected with yourself.
4. Practice excellent self-care at the basic level. This one may sound like a no-brainer, but I see it too often not to share! When we are under a lot of stress or are unhappy, the basic self-care maintenance activities can often be the first to go. Practice consistently getting enough sleep, eating well, and engaging in some form of physical activity. I make the effort to at least walk everyday with my dog or go to hot yoga because I know it is vital to my mental well-being to be outside and expend any anxious energy through exercising.
5. Try new things. Whether it’s finally attending an art class or that adult soccer league you’ve been wanting to try, push yourself to get out of your own head by getting out of your comfort zone. Fear of the unknown will always hold a person back, and the days will keep passing by, so it becomes our responsibility to not allow it too and make the most of our lives!
What are your favorite books, podcasts, or resources for self-psychology, intimacy, or relationships? What do you love about each one and how does it resonate with you?
By far, my favorite author is Brene Brown. I believe she really has spearheaded the self-compassion movement and has done so in a completely transparent and relatable way. Her book, The Gifts of Imperfection was a game changer for me and I often recommend all her books to clients. I’ve always been a fan of Dr. Drew Pinsky and believe anyone in the mental health field should give his podcast a listen as he has a therapeutic style that reads as knowledgeable but also down to earth and authentic. As you can probably tell, I value relatability and authenticity in the podcasts, books, and people I look up to. Last but certainly not least, because of my faith, I listen to Andy Stanley to get religious guidance and stay in touch with who I want to be. He breaks down biblical messages and applies them to real-life scenarios, making it easier to translate lessons to your own life.
You are a person of great influence. If you could inspire a movement that would bring the most amount of good to the most amount of people, what would that be? Maybe we’ll inspire our readers to start it…
I want to inspire a movement where people internalize the concept that self-care is my lifestyle! Self-care is SO much more than engaging in a once a week treat to self, it is a way of living and viewing who you are on a daily basis. In my book, I break down the self-care is my lifestyle mindset by providing corresponding methods to each letter in self-care. Part of making self-care your lifestyle means advocating for yourself, watching your self-talk, creating happiness in your life through engaging in activities that bring you joy, and living authentically by expressing who you truly are (and not who others think you should be). In my practice, I’ve been able to see firsthand how women are able to feel more empowered and reconnected with who they are at the core level when they live the self-care lifestyle and become intentional about who and what they are giving their precious time and energy to. Make self-care your lifestyle, living life in a way that is fulfilling to you!
Can you share how that was relevant to you in your life and how our readers might learn to live by it in theirs?
One of my favorite life lesson quotes is “wherever you go, there you are”. If you are unhappy in your life, you are the only one that can make the changes to find happiness and contentment. Relying on external factors (the nice car, beautiful home, the job you believe is your dream job, a romantic partner, designer clothes, etc.) to receive validation or happiness work for a short period but will never be fulfilling long term because it’s not getting to the core reasons for discontentment. I had to realize in life that I am the common denominator in all my interactions and situations I’m in. Sometimes it’s uncomfortable to live this way, but I’ve realized that growth doesn’t come from comfort, it usually comes from accepting responsibility for our own happiness or lack thereof and then making positive changes that aid in mental well-being. Feel empowered to know you are in control of yourself! It’s freeing to know you often hold the answers to what you need to do to be happy, instead of relying on external sources for happiness. Structure your life so that no matter where you go, there you may be a happy and fulfilled individual.
Thank you so much for your time and for your inspiring insights!
I believe in 360-degree feedback. Ask team members what’s working, what’s not, what processes could be tweaked or adjusted to make things more efficient. You don’t want a team full of people who agree with everything you say; you want to be challenged, to learn, to grow, to shift your understanding when necessary.
As a part of my series about strong female leaders, I had the pleasure of interviewing Carter Barnhart, Newport Academy’s first-ever Chief Experience Officer (CXO). Her highest priority is optimizing the experience of teens, young adults, and families throughout their time with us. Carter joined the Newport Academy family more than 10 years ago, first as a resident and then as a team member. As a result, she brings her own experience of personal recovery to her work, and is passionate about increasing awareness and reducing stigma around mental health and substance abuse challenges. Carter has served in several different positions at Newport Academy, beginning in the CEO’s office and most recently as the Vice President of Referral Relations. Hence, she has extensive knowledge of every aspect of the treatment experience, including referral relations, service offerings, discharge planning, admissions, and operations. In addition, Carter serves as Chair of the New York Provider Liaison Association and sits on the board of the International Association of Eating Disorder Professionals. She is also the co-founder of the Inspiration Foundation, and speaks frequently at schools, conferences, and hospitals on issues related to adolescent mental health. A graduate of New York University with a degree in the Psychology of Success, Carter is dedicated to supporting teens and young adults on the path to healing.
Newport Academy is a series of evidence-based healing centers for teens, young adults, and families struggling with mental health issues, eating disorders, and substance abuse. With locations across the United States, Newport Academy offers a family-systems approach, providing gender-specific, individualized, and comprehensive holistic programs that encompass clinical therapy, academic support, and experiential practices. Offerings include residential treatment centers, Partial Hospitalization Programs, Intensive Outpatient Programs, and Therapeutic Day Schools. Newport Academy nurtures the physical, psychological, social, educational, and spiritual needs of adolescents and their families, from a foundation of compassionate care, clinical expertise, and unconditional love. Our primary mission is to empower teens and restore families. Experts include MDs, psychiatrists, therapists, registered dieticians, nurses, licensed social workers, teachers, and more.
Thank you for joining us! Can you tell us a story about what brought you to this specific career path?
In my early teens, I was too unsure of myself to find my place, let alone compete academically and socially. I was bullied, which caused tremendous anxiety. Anxiety turned into depression. Depression turned into acting out. My parents became concerned and contacted a therapist, who connected them with Jamison Monroe Jr., founder of Newport Academy. He had just opened the original location in California. My parents enrolled me in the program and after 45 days there, I felt a new sense of confidence. Newport was like a “life academy” for me. I learned how to love myself, be vulnerable, and connect authentically with others. I learned to study and manage my time. After Newport Academy, I returned to high school and was much more engaged. I was a better student, family member, friend, and community member. In college, I experimented with a few internships — a venture fund, retail, etc., but I spent most of my free time outside of the classroom and the office, playing therapist and life coach to my friends. I was the go-to person for advice when anyone was struggling. I began to realize that my true calling was helping people. In 2011, my sophomore year, I reached out to Jamison and asked him if I could come back to Newport Academy, this time as part of the team. And the rest is history!
Can you share the most interesting story that happened to you since you began your leadership position?
Our residential campus in Connecticut is a 65-acre property with a pond. One day, one of our teens was discussing his relationship with his siblings in a group therapy session. It was a challenging topic — he got triggered and impulsively jumped into the pond. I didn’t hesitate. I dove in, fully dressed, and swam across to the other side. The boy was sitting there when I arrived. He was shocked that I had cared enough about what he was going through to do that. It was an important moment in his recovery to recognize how much we truly cared about him. Many years later, my colleagues still reference this moment. It was a true example of hands-on leadership. We do more through our actions than our words, and as a senior executive, demonstrating the willingness to get your hands dirty — or in my case, all my clothes dirty — has tremendous power.
All good leaders make a mistake that they learn from. Can you share a story about a humorous mistake you made when you were first starting? Can you tell us what lesson you learned from that?
About a year ago, I was speaking to a group of clinical professionals at a luncheon, talking about the trends I was seeing regarding substance abuse among teenagers. I spent 15 minutes talking about Juul, until someone interrupted asking how jewelry can get them high. I realized that while Juul was an everyday word for me, it was unfamiliar territory for others. The lesson there: Know your audience!
What do you think makes Newport Academy stand out? Can you share a story?
Every staff member at Newport Academy has a “why.” They choose to work here because they truly want to help people and change lives. As an organization, we have an unrelenting commitment to personalized care. Every client’s experience is tailored to what they need, and the staff is always willing to go the extra mile to support clients in making shifts happen. One of my favorite stories about how we came together as an organization to support an individual was when we admitted a patient who had a sleep disorder and was nocturnal. When she arrived, she was unable to wake up until 9 pm and couldn’t fall asleep until 9 am. For a residential treatment center that typically delivers services during the daytime, this initially presented some problems. However, our medical and psychiatric team collaborated with the clinical and educational team to develop a customized treatment plan. Her treatment began at 9 pm and throughout the night, different professionals would meet with her. It was amazing to see the willingness of the staff to come in at all hours to administer treatment. Over time, we began to shift her schedule by 30 minutes each day and, after 45 days, we had reversed her schedule and she was able to fall asleep by 10 pm every night. Our staff truly cares, and it makes all the difference.
Are you working on any exciting new projects now? How do you think that will help people?
The CXO role is brand new to Newport Academy, so there are many exciting projects that I am working on … Choosing just one to talk about is hard! Our patient experience currently is stellar, so our biggest goal is to maintain this standard of excellence as we expand. We are working on creating a standard definition so that, a year or two from now, we can ask any employee, “What does patient experience mean?” and they will have a clear understanding of what that means and how they contribute to it. By creating a shared language, we will be able to track and measure our success, while also seamlessly onboarding new employees.
What advice would you give to other female leaders to help their team to thrive?
If you want certain things from your team — respect, dedication, loyalty — it’s very simple. You have to give those things to your team, and you have to do it first. Then you get mirrored reciprocation. Everyone wants the same things: to be listened to, respected, and loved. You go first, and then your team will follow.
In terms of team dynamics, it’s invaluable to really get to know your staff. Find out their personal and professional goals, their likes and dislikes, what inspires and motivates them. Don’t be afraid to be vulnerable: Anyone who tells you that you shouldn’t express emotions or feelings in the workplace is wrong; if anything, expressions of passion and emotion are assets to a team, not things to be hidden away.
Finally, don’t be afraid to step outside what feels comfortable. It’s well known that many female leaders struggle with Imposter Syndrome — the persistent feeling that we’ll be exposed as frauds who don’t deserve what we’ve achieved. We tend to doubt our competence and our abilities. A recent study by Hewlett-Packard highlighted this phenomenon: whereas men often apply for a job when they meet just 60 percent of the qualifications, women typically only apply if they meet 100 percent of them. It’s important to remember that you didn’t get where you are by mistake: You deserve everything you’ve achieved, and you have the ability to go even further if you just trust yourself. Continue learning; continue pushing past any self-imposed restrictions.
What advice would you give to other female leaders about the best way to manage a large team?
I believe in 360-degree feedback. Ask team members what’s working, what’s not, what processes could be tweaked or adjusted to make things more efficient. You don’t want a team full of people who agree with everything you say; you want to be challenged, to learn, to grow, to shift your understanding when necessary.
None of us are able to achieve success without some help along the way. Is there a particular person who you are grateful towards who helped get you to where you are? Can you share a story about that?
The founder of Newport Academy, Jamison Monroe Jr., has been instrumental in shaping me into the person I am today. He took a risk eight years ago by hiring me and having me work in his office. I was able to learn firsthand what it takes to run a successful treatment center that helps hundreds of people on an annual basis. When we first opened our Connecticut campus, Jamison was involved in every department. We had a new client entering treatment who was incredibly anxious. I watched as Jamison brought him into the kitchen and made him his favorite meal. He was warm, approachable, and never mentioned that he was the CEO. Jamison has role-modeled for me how to lead with humility and love.
How have you used your success to bring goodness to the world?
I am lucky because every day I get to help bring goodness into the world. In my time at Newport Academy, I have touched thousands of lives. Last week, I spoke at a high school and afterwards, a girl from the audience came up to me. She told me that four years ago, she had heard my presentation and as a result had reached out to Newport Academy. She came to us with anxiety, depression, and a history of suicide attempts. When I saw her last week, she was about to graduate from high school with honors and had been accepted into college — and she asked me for a summer internship. It’s so fulfilling to hear stories like hers, and to know that I am paying forward the gifts that I received.
What are your “5 Leadership Lessons I Learned From My Experience” and why. (Please share a story or example for each.)
Always be radically candid. Kim Scott talks about this in her book Radical Candor — the importance of ensuring that those on your team know how valuable they are but also how they can improve. Truly caring about your staff and also being comfortable holding them accountable — and having them hold you accountable — is the art of great leadership. I give my team opportunities to be radically candid with me, to share their struggles and tell me how I could better support them.
Servant leadership is so important. Your team needs to know that you’ll do whatever it takes. Prioritizing empathy and pitching in over ego and personal ambition is so important. Our CEO is frequently found taking out the trash! I try to start each day by asking my team and my colleagues what they need from me in order to be successful that day. I’m amazed by the honest responses I receive, and they make me a better member of the team.
Collaboration is key. No one person can know or do it all on their own. The more we can work together as a team, the better service we will be able to provide. This is especially true when working with teenagers, especially resistant ones. Every day, we are reminded of the importance of collaboration.
Find out your team members’ dream jobs. This is an incredibly important conversation to have with your direct reports. Once a year, I ask my team to share their dreams with me. Whatever they tell me, there’s a way to apply that to what they’re doing now. If they say they’d like to own a farm someday, for example, you can easily link the characteristics they’d need to fulfill that dream — financial responsibility, increased work ethic, ability to manage people — to their current job description, including special projects that call on those attributes.
Find out what motivates your team. If you know someone really appreciates positive feedback, give them plenty of it. If you know someone is financially motivated, bonus them better. If you realize that someone really appreciates negative feedback and always wants to be challenged and pushed, provide that for them. I had a candid conversation with one of my direct reports, asking her what motivates her. She explained that she becomes bored very easily, that mundane tasks are difficult for her and she needs to be constantly challenged. I realized that the best thing would be to assign her to special projects, to challenge her and change up her daily routine. All problems have a root cause, and it is crucial when a problem arises to keep asking “why” in order to uncover that underlying issue.
You are a person of great influence. If you could inspire a movement that would bring the most amount of good to the most amount of people, what would that be? You never know what your idea can trigger.
Right now, teenagers and young adults are extremely isolated. The old practice of having a pen pal — making a positive connection with a peer in another place — has devolved into ugly chatrooms and message boards. I’d like to see young people meet online and in real life in safe spaces, where they can connect in a meaningful way. I’d also like to see healthcare and therapy made available to all citizens, which is a real possibility given the advancements in technology that have made telehealth a reality.
Can you please give us your favorite “Life Lesson Quote”? Can you share how that was relevant to you in your life?
“The most important skill a skipper can have is the ability to see through the eyes of the crew.” — Michael Abrashoff
I’m an empath. In order to optimize the experience of our patients, our team members, and the behavioral health community, I need to understand their perspectives on every challenge that arises.
Some of the biggest names in Business, VC funding, Sports, and Entertainment read this column. Is there a person in the world, or in the US with whom you would love to have a private breakfast or lunch with, and why? He or she might just see this if we tag them 🙂
I would love to have breakfast or lunch with Dr. Atul Gawande. Dr. Gawande has been selected by Jeff Bezos, Warren Buffett, and Jamie Dimon to fundamentally change how healthcare is structured, paid for, and provided. He is disrupting the healthcare industry and, in my opinion, has the most potential to change the future of American healthcare.
“Why it’s important to try new things and get out of your comfort zone.” with Rachel Kazez and Fotis Georgidis
Try new things and get out of your comfort zone. Trying new things stretches our brains and bodies and can make us feel great accomplishment as well as silliness and relief. This can be as tough as climbing a mountain for the first time or as simple as taking a different route to a familiar destination.
I had the pleasure to interview Rachel Kazez, LCSW, the therapist who founded All Along in 2016 to help people understand mental health and find the right therapy. She has practiced therapy in Chicago since 2012 and is an adjunct professor of social work.
Thank you so much for joining us! Can you tell us the “backstory” about what brought you to this specific career path?
I became a therapist because I’m excited to help people them explore why they act and feel the way they do, and understand how to make a change when they want to.
As I joined and participated in this field, I became more and more curious about how the people around me and society in general relate to mental health and therapy. I found people asking questions and talking in ways that indicated good intentions but misunderstandings about mental health symptoms and therapy.
I listened and asked questions, and came to understand that people often wanted information and help related to mental health and therapy. I wish that we were talking instead of me typing these answers so I could ask you about your perceptions of mental health and therapy over the years as well — it’s an important and interesting conversation. I had interest and energy to work on knowledge and perceptions of mental health and therapy, and with that energy came All Along.
According to Mental Health America’s report, over 44 million Americans have a mental health condition. Yet there’s still a stigma about mental illness. Can you share a few reasons you think this is so?
1. Perhaps most of all, I think there’s a lack of understanding about what mental illness and therapy are actually like. Many conversations and media representations are based on untrue stereotypes. If the stereotypes were all true — for example if movie therapists were what therapy is really like (ew), or everyone with a mental illness were solely seeking attention — then maybe I’d stigmatize it, too!
2. Shame, guilt, and low self esteem are a big part of many presentations of mental illness. Mental illnesses increase vulnerability. So we may associate shame and vulnerability with MI, leading to stigma on societal, interpersonal, and internal levels. “Having strong emotions makes me feel weak and expressing them makes me feel guilty. That person is weak for being upset and they should feel bad.”
3. Stigma toward mental illness is based in fear, similar to how “homophobia” contains the root “phobia” meaning “fear.” “That looks scary and bad. I don’t want it. That person must be bad, otherwise this would be unfair. That makes it fair that they have that. I’m not bad, so I won’t get it.”
4. Mental illness is invisible. Like many invisible illnesses, it’s easy to misunderstand. We see someone with a broken leg in a cast and know they need crutches and time to heal, but sometimes people think that mental health disorders are a choice or something that someone can “just snap out of.” And because it pervasively affects someone’s approach to the world, that can seem like a character flaw rather than an illness. “That person reacts to emotions differently from how I think is normal. There’s something wrong with them. It’s their fault.”
Can you tell our readers about how you are helping to de-stigmatize the focus on mental wellness?
I work on two ways of decreasing stigma:
1. Make accurate information about mental health more available and widespread in media sources with a variety of consumers.
If productive discourse on mental health happens in the spaces people already inhabit, it will be be easier to digest. And its presence can help people understand that mental illness isn’t as scary or foreign as it might seem.
2. Facilitate access to mental health services by providing personalized searches and teaching people how to navigate the mental health system.
Let’s face it, for a lot of people starting therapy is daunting, and at the time someone needs it most, they may have the most trouble finding and going to it. All Along provides a middle-ground between zero and fully engaging in therapy. Since the services are provided by phone and email, people can use All Along comfortably from wherever they currently are.
Was there a story behind why you decided to launch this initiative?
I founded All Along after realizing that people from all walks of life need help finding a therapist and navigating the mental health system. As a therapist and adjunct professor of social work, I am eager to provide accurate, approachable information about therapy and mental health to people with a variety of backgrounds and experiences. I’d successfully helped friends and family find therapists and regularly talked with people about mental health concepts, noticing this as a gap in mental health services. I founded All Along to fill this gap in 2016 and have been working with writers and individuals seeking services ever since.
In your experience, what should a) individuals b) society, and c) the government do to better support people suffering from mental illness?
Individuals: Listen. Ask questions. Believe what people say. Be decent to everybody. Question your assumptions. Say what you need. Normalize personal growth. Take a walk and realize the that simultaneously your perspective in relation to the world is very small, and your power and influence is massive. Parents, teachers, and leaders, teach by example.
Society: Does this just mean the media? Society is made up of Individuals, and we are what creates change, so see above! For the media, which heavily influences our understanding of the world and our actions: Understand that everyone changes over time and everyone has the capacity for change. Don’t ostracize people or instantly judge them. Stop talking so much about people’s personal messes and instead talk more about how to build people up. Include accurate, balanced information about mental health in news coverage of mental health issues, from professionals as well as individuals who are experiencing mental health issues themselves — they are experts. Have a sense of humor about mental health and associated disorders.
Government: Better, more consistent Medicaid, Medicare and private insurance coverage of mental health services. Consistent funding of mental health, socio-emotional learning, neighborhood development, and equality initiatives. Leaders who teach by example, talking about mental health in respectful, normalizing ways.
What are your 6 strategies you use to promote your own wellbeing and mental wellness? Can you please give a story or example for each?
Exercise. It feels good to move my body, like a reset button. I also enjoy working toward something concrete, like a new distance, speed, or amount to lift.
Reading. I’m into creative non-fiction and memoirs, especially about topics like athletics, tiny houses, and farming. I love hearing about other people’s pursuits and motivation.
Healthy personal relationships. Having fun with great people needs no explanation!
Having multiple part-time jobs instead of one full-time job with both in-person and remote work. I like the variety, relatively flexible schedule, and time for non-professional pursuits. Isn’t for everyone, but it feels good to me.
Get enough sleep. It’s healthiest for our brains and bodies, particularly mine. Working out in the morning, not having a smartphone or internet at home, having positive social connections, and not having any caffeine help me sleep well.
Try new things and get out of your comfort zone. Trying new things stretches our brains and bodies and can make us feel great accomplishment as well as silliness and relief. This can be as tough as climbing a mountain for the first time or as simple as taking a different route to a familiar destination.
What are your favorite books, podcasts, or resources that inspire you to be a mental health champion?
I’m not sure if I’d call myself a “mental health champion,” but thanks! First, while I value research articles and books, the individuals I have the opportunity to work with as a therapist are my foremost source of information about doing effective work in mental health and they inspire me to fight stigma and increase access. Conversations with interdisciplinary colleagues and students contribute much of the knowledge I have on mental health.
I don’t actually consume that much mental-health-specific media. I’m a fan of when any non-mental-health podcast or book brings up mental health and therapy alongside their usual topics. That truly normalizes a focus on mental wellness. That’s much of what I aspire to contribute to!
That being said, I’m a fan of a theory of human motivation called Self-Determination Theory, which is explained in the book Why We Do What We Do by Edward Deci and Richard Flaste. It influences a lot of what I do. I talk about some of the theories in it in this 20×20 presentation I did in 2018: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zglbXexOUZ4 (presentation starts 45 seconds after the introduction.)
I love when friends and family send me an article related to mental health to start a conversation about it. More than the article itself, I’m excited about the conversations we have. This, by the way, is a great way to bring up mental health to someone in your life if you’re not sure how to get it into conversation.
The National Alliance on Mental Illness, NAMI (www.nami.org), is a great resource for mental health support and information for people from all walks of life. It’s a good place to start if you’d like to learn more about mental health and possible services.
Of course, I’d recommend contacting me through www.allalong.org to learn about mental health and therapy, and to read articles I’ve contributed to on a variety of interesting subjects!
Thank you so much for these insights! This was so inspiring!
“All around us we see airbrushed perfection and there is no way any person can measure up.” with Drema Dial and Fotis Georgiadis
American culture teaches men and women (especially) to be critical of their appearance. All around us we see airbrushed perfection and there is no way any person can measure up. We’re inundated by ways to diet, how to smile more, how to style our hair so it’s the most attractive, etc. If there is no voice to counterbalance this, we believe that these images are what we should be, but we can’t and therefore we self-attack.
I had the pleasure to interview Dr. Drema Dial. She is a licensed psychologist, life coach, speaker and author. She’s living proof that you can design the life and business you want. She specialises in helping people develop a growth and success mindset. Dr. Dial currently lives in the south of France with her partner and travels frequently.
Thank you so much for joining us! I’d love to begin by asking you to give us the backstory as to what brought you to this specific career path.
That’s a great question. I originally started out in fashion as a sales director. I loved helping people but one day it hit me that I needed to help in a deeper, more meaningful way. I began by volunteering with the Shanti Project in San Francisco, an organisation devoted to helping people living with AIDS. That showed me I had a calling to do the deeper work I craved. I went back to school, eventually earning my doctorate from the University of Texas at Austin (hook ’em, Horns!).
During the time I was working on my doctorate, I also entered therapy. I unearthed the reasons I had always held myself back and began to dismantle these limiting beliefs. Much of this was centered around trauma. I discovered that I had a great capacity for dealing with pain — my own and others.
Because I had always felt like an outsider, I was drawn to working with people who had been marginalised in whatever ways: sexuality, mental health, trauma, etc. I wrote my dissertation on the different ways people use their bodies to express what they may feel unable to verbalise, covering such topics as tattooing, eating disorders and cosmetic surgery.
I turned to life coaching because I wanted more freedom in how I approached my work. I also wanted to travel more and become location independent. I find that my work now attracts others who want to explore their own sense of freedom, however they may define that.
Are you working on any exciting new projects now? How do you hope that they might help people along their path to self-understanding or a better sense of wellbeing in their relationships?
I am currently working on creating a Year of Transformation for people who have been or are in challenging situations that they are no longer willing to tolerate. This means taking a hard look at the things in life that are no longer serving them and deciding how to move forward. This can feel overwhelming which is why it’s important to work with a coach who can help guide you, hold you accountable and cheer your changes.
One of the hardest part about any life change is that it can bring up lots of self-doubt, old stories about why you can’t do it, and the fear of failure. It’s easy at that point to convince yourself that ‘it’s not time to do ____,’ or talk yourself out of a change because you’re too old, too fat, too young, not accomplished enough, your kids need you, etc
I love seeing people push through their self-imposed limitations. I love being part of the journey from the what-ifs to the ‘I did it!’ moments. There’s so much joy in unleashing the part of you that’s been tamped down by time.
Do you have a personal story that you can share with our readers about your struggles or successes along your journey of self-understanding and self-love? Was there ever a tipping point that triggered a change regarding your feelings of self acceptance?
I didn’t grow up with a lot of self-esteem or self-worth. Due to being sexually abused from a young age until the age of 13, I felt very damaged and alone internally. I covered this up by throwing myself in to academics and to keeping myself as busy as I could.
Despite my popularity, I worried that no one remembered me and would cross the street if someone I knew was coming towards me. I felt shy and uninteresting. I also didn’t feel like I could let anyone in, couldn’t let anyone get to know the real me because I felt so unappealing.
I met someone who initially lifted me up, wanted to get to know me and after two years, we married. He slowly became my tormentor, a constant critic, and I let him. My self-worth was nonexistent. It was our unspoken agreement that he was the better cook, the better looking one, the funnier one, the smarter one and so on.
I left with two toddlers in tow, knowing that I had a choice: stay and disappear within myself, or leave and try to make a life for me and my kids. I knew I didn’t want them to think that ours was a role model for how to have a good relationship.
I went into therapy and also read a lot of self-help books. I challenged myself to take risks so I could build up my confidence. I learned how to celebrate myself. I listened to my self-talk and discovered how harsh and critical I was of myself. I learned how to catch that and began using my self-talk to bolster myself instead of tearing myself down.
According to a recent study cited in Cosmopolitan, in the US, only about 28 percent of men and 26 percent of women are “very satisfied with their appearance.” Could you talk about what some of the causes might be, as well as the consequences?
American culture teaches men and women (especially) to be critical of their appearance. All around us we see airbrushed perfection and there is no way any person can measure up. We’re inundated by ways to diet, how to smile more, how to style our hair so it’s the most attractive, etc. If there is no voice to counterbalance this, we believe that these images are what we should be, but we can’t and therefore we self-attack.
It may also be that many people grow up with parental figures who were or are critical of their appearance. If someone is constantly telling you that ‘you’d look better if you smiled,’ you’re going to internalise that message and learn to plaster a smile on your face — even if you don’t feel happy. If you received messages about your weight or any other aspect of your appearance, this can become a place of sensitivity and insecurity.
People spend tons of money on their physical appearance and yet, it won’t ease the painful feelings of inadequacy and not feeling good enough. In the US, we spent $16 billion on cosmetic surgery in 2016 alone (American Society of Plastic Surgeons).
There’s a saying in therapy, “Compare and despair.” When we compare ourselves to others, we rarely are focusing on what we like best — instead we’re comparing my belly to hers, his full head of hair to my male pattern baldness, her cute nose to my honker, and so on.
Consequently, we are our own worst enemy. We internalise the sense of inadequacy and can turn to outside distractions such as alcohol, food, overworking, or overexercising in an effort to numb the feelings. Without knowing it, we are constantly in a battle with ourselves and run the risk of depression and self-loathing.
As cheesy as it might sound to truly understand and “love yourself,” can you share with our readers a few reasons why it’s so important?
When we love ourselves, we take better care of ourselves. We take care of what we value. So when I love myself, I’m going to pay attention to my needs, and ensure that I get proper sleep, eat well, monitor my stress level, and have healthy, fulfilling relationships.
So many people tell me they ‘don’t have time’ for self-care. That tells me they don’t have a lot of self-love — remember, we take care of what we value. When we dig into what’s behind the statement, usually I hear what amounts to ‘I don’t think it’s that important.’ And usually the person in front of me is also telling me they’re stressed out, feel down, tired, frustrated, and that they don’t remember what it’s like to be happy.
Self-care is about showing yourself some love. It’s not all about bubble baths and mani-pedis. Self-care is allowing yourself to slow down, take a day off, cry if you need to, call a friend, or do anything that brings you back to yourself. So many people spend their time running from place to place, task to task, without ever being present.
By being present and mindful of your thoughts and feelings, you can begin to appreciate yourself more. I ask my clients to create a List of Awesome for themselves. This list should go back as far as you remember with all your awards, achievements, accomplishments, degrees, certifications and so on. Nothing is too small for this list! (Mine includes my Good Citizen Award from kindergarten and Best Penmanship in third grade!) The point of this is to have a visual reminder of what you’ve done in your life and it’s a great resource when feeling low.
Loving yourself means remembering that who you are is unique and letting yourself appreciate that fact.
Why do you think people stay in mediocre relationships? What advice would you give to our readers regarding this?
I stayed because I didn’t believe I deserved any better. I believed that he was right and it didn’t cross my mind for a long time that he might be wrong. When you don’t love yourself, it’s easy to want to hang on to whatever love you get. Even if it’s toxic and you know it, getting a little bit of love suggests that you are loveable and worth something.
People who value themselves set healthy boundaries around how they are treated. If you’re in a mediocre relationship, it won’t change overnight but it’s possible to make changes. However, the hard part comes from recognising that you have to work on yourself first.
Maybe your partner frequently makes comments that hurt your feelings. You have to be willing to say, ‘that type of comment hurts my feelings, can you not do that?’
Initially, your partner might get defensive, or claim it was just a joke. You can say again, ‘that hurts my feelings.’ A partner who truly cares for you will care enough about your feelings to change.
It can take courage to start speaking up for yourself. But that’s the only way to determine if your relationship can change. Mediocre relationships exist because people are willing to settle for less than what they could have. When you stop settling, you start living more freely.
When we talk about self-love and understanding we don’t necessarily mean blindly loving and accepting ourselves the way we are. Many times self-understanding requires us to reflect and ask ourselves the tough questions, to realize perhaps where we need to make changes in ourselves to be better not only for ourselves but our relationships. What are some of those tough questions that will cut through the safe space of comfort we like to maintain, that our readers might want to ask themselves? Can you share an example of a time that you had to reflect and realize how you needed to make changes?
I was standing in line at the library. I glanced at the library schedule and my heart stopped. My husband had been spending every Sunday morning at the library the last few months. Except the library wasn’t open Sunday mornings. In that moment, my future opened up to me: I could go home and act like I hadn’t seen the schedule. I could go home and stay in this less-than life I had. Or, I could take half of our savings, kick him out, and figure out how to have a new life — one that I wanted.
I opted for kicking him out and started working on myself.
It was easy to beat myself up. It was harder to start getting curious and asking myself the hard questions: Why had it been okay with me to be mistreated? Why had I let his opinion of me become more important than my own? Why had I disappeared in my life? When had I let go of myself?
Hard questions don’t always have answers and sometimes they just lead to more questions. But I knew I needed to ask myself all the questions so I didn’t get into another relationship that didn’t support my well-being. During this process, I re-connected with the parts of me that felt strong and confident and I began building those parts into bigger pieces, working them like a muscle until I felt proud of myself.
So many don’t really know how to be alone, or are afraid of it. How important is it for us to have, and practice, that capacity to truly be with ourselves and be alone (literally or metaphorically)?
Being alone is an essential skill. It means feeling comfortable with yourself, knowing that you can fill up the time and space. There’s a big difference between being alone and feeling lonely but sometimes a person doesn’t know that difference.
If you’re accustomed to filling up your time with other people, it can feel weird to be alone. But, like you would with a new friend, you can ask yourself, ‘What do I want to do? What would make me happy right now? How can I best enjoy this time?’
Having the capacity to not only tolerate but enjoy one’s company signifies self-love and acceptance.
How does achieving a certain level of self-understanding and self-love then affect your ability to connect with and deepen your relationships with others?
When I can love myself fully, I am open to loving others.
When we don’t know ourselves well, we are more guarded and less likely to make ourselves vulnerable to others. Instead, I am always holding myself back, afraid of judgment and/or rejection. I fear that the parts of myself that I don’t like won’t be liked or accepted by others.
When I understand myself and not only accept myself for who I am (quirks, flaws and all), I can love myself, knowing that who I am is fundamentally okay. This allows me to open myself up in relationships, to be authentic, and vulnerable. I am less concerned with what others may think of me and more concerned with having a loving, intimate relationship.
This foundation is something I can take into any relationship — the idea of openness and acceptance.
In your experience, what should a) individuals and b) society, do to help people better understand themselves and accept themselves?
Some schools are teaching kids how to meditate and how to use EFT (Emotional Freedom Technique, or tapping). This is teaching kids how to learn to use themselves as a resource. It helps the child learn the physical and emotional cues that he may need calming or that she may need quiet.
Meditation in particular teaches the mind to calm and to be present. Using techniques such as this can be tremendously helpful on the path to better self-understanding and acceptance.
Learning how to get curious about one’s self, rather than leaping to judgment and criticism, is also tremendously helpful in shifting towards self-understanding and acceptance. It’s hard to be curious and critical at the same time!
What are 5 strategies that you implement to maintain your connection with and love for yourself, that our readers might learn from? Could you please give a story or example for each?
1.I ask people to write down three things each day that they did well or that they liked about themselves. I use these tool because I noticed that when I began doing this, it shifted my self-perception from someone who wasted a lot of time to seeing that I was someone who actually got a lot done. It also highlighted for me that my expectations might have been too high.
A former client was extremely harsh with himself. I asked that he begin this practice with giving himself credit for simple things like brushing his teeth and tying his shoes. He balked, saying that he had to do those things and so shouldn’t get credit. I pointed out those behaviours were a choice: he didn’t actually have to brush his teeth or tie his shoes. He began to see that by giving himself credit in these areas, he could find more areas to highlight and feel proud of himself.
2. Most of us pass a mirror and immediately have a criticism of ourselves. I challenge myself and my clients to go to the mirror and issue compliments. This exercise proves to be difficult for many initially. Some cry. It’s so much easier to be a critic than to express love!
Learning to look at one’s self with love and appreciation is deeply rewarding. Sometimes I just say, ‘You’re doing the best you can and I love you.’
3. Learn to tell people about your accomplishments. People are fearful that they will be seen as bragging or boasting and so are reluctant to do this. It’s not bragging or boasting to share something you feel good about! Practice with a friend or loved one until you feel less self-conscious.
When we allow ourselves to expand our capacity for happiness, it can show up in how we present ourselves to the world. By sharing with you how good I feel about a project I worked on, or a new recipe I created, we’re saying, ‘I’m okay with who I am. I like that I can do things and I like that I feel good about it.’
4. Set aside time to connect with yourself. This can be through journaling, meditation, walking in nature or even something like daydreaming. In the busy day-to-day, it’s easy to put our needs last. But sometimes just having 5–10 minutes can make a difference.
I have an exercise I suggest to all my new clients that I call Take Five. Using your morning coffee (or any beverage) as an example, it looks like this:
Get your coffee.
Set a timer for 5 minutes.
Now, focus your attention on the coffee. How does it smell? Taste? What’s the colour? How does the warmth of the cup feel in your hands?
Each time your mind wanders, pull it back to the coffee.
The point of this exercise is to help calm your mind with intention. It’s a mini mediation that gives your mind something specific to focus on.
Clients who do this 7 days in a row report feeling calmer throughout the day and a decrease in their overall stress level.
5. Delight your inner child by getting out the colouring book and crayons or finger paints. I love doing this when I need some quiet time but also want to do something that feels creative and without any stress.
Coloring allows me to play and is a reminder to not take myself so seriously! It’s also a good way to stay in touch with my inner critic and remind her that we’re playing and there aren’t any rules.
What are your favorite books, podcasts, or resources for self-psychology, intimacy, or relationships? What do you love about each one and how does it resonate with you?
Jen Sincero’s book, “You are a Badass: How to Stop Doubting Your Greatness and Start Living an Awesome Life” has a lot of great reminders of why you’re awesome.
Brené Brown’s “The Gifts of Imperfection: Let Go of Who You Think You’re Supposed to Be and Embrace Who You Are” is a great book for self-acceptance and self-love.
My own podcast, “Design Your Dream Life” showcases people who have learned to get out of their own way so they could create a life they loved. We discuss the challenges of finding support, dealing with self-doubt, and what it takes to fail.
EFT tapping: “Loving Yourself” with Brad Yates. I enjoy Brad’s calmness and approach to tapping. He has a wealth of YouTube videos on topics related to self-love, intimacy and relationships.
You are a person of great influence. If you could inspire a movement that would bring the most amount of good to the most amount of people, what would that be? Maybe we’ll inspire our readers to start it…
I want to preach love. Love of self, love of others. Love and compassion are intertwined and should be experienced together. When we love ourselves, we can extend that love to others.
Can you please give us your favorite “Life Lesson Quote” that you use to guide yourself by?
“You haven’t lived until you’ve failed.”
To me, this means you’ve put yourself out there, moved out of your comfort zone and taken a risk. The end result matters less than the fact that you’ve made an effort and let yourself try something new.
When we allow ourselves to fail, we’re also showing that we know and love ourselves enough to know we’ll be okay — regardless of the outcome. I’ve failed spectacularly at times. Despite the pain of failure, it’s taught me that I can survive, pick myself up, ask what happened, and move on.
Can you share how that was relevant to you in your life and how our readers might learn to live by it in theirs?
When I decided to end my marriage, my kids were very young. I applied and was accepted into a doctoral program. I encountered a lot of naysayers — ‘You can’t go to graduate school with two young kids!’ ‘You’re in your 30’s, don’t you think that’s too old to go back to school?”
I had to reach down deep and question if I was willing to fail, if I was willing to ‘go big or go home.’ Obtaining my PhD was absolutely the right decision for me. It was hard at times but it showed me I could do hard things, that I could parent and be a student. I know my detractors wanted to keep me safe by protecting me from something that might be hard, and something I might fail at. I’m glad I didn’t listen.
Thank you so much for your time and for your inspiring insights!
“Social status has impacted our perceptions of each other since the beginning of society.” with Alison G. Clark and Fotis Georgiadis
Social status has impacted our perceptions of each other since the beginning of society. Mental health problems affect entire families, and as a coping skill to protect their children from the shame of societal rejection, some parents deny the problem. In addition, the fear that “crazy” is contagious or dangerous has been an historical social precedent, and it is only recently that mental illness has been considered a health condition which can be managed under the right level of care. What is considered normal behavior has become more skewed as well.
I had the pleasure to interview Alison G. Clark. Alison is a Nationally Certified School Psychologist and family wellness instructor dedicated to increasing high quality evidence-based instructional opportunities with evidence-based outcomes to youth in public schools by systemically implementing organizational changes relative to making multi-tiers of support sustainable in large school systems. Alison is the recipient of the 2016 Lifetime Achievement Award, bestowed by the Nevada Association of School Psychologists. She is a practicing school psychologist in inner-city, high poverty, and minority communities. Areas of expertise include mental health in schools, implementation science, family engagement, psycho-educational assessment, educational planning, positive behavioral instructional supports, behavior modification, instructional coaching, threat assessment, crisis counseling, and systems change. Alison is currently a co-founder of Healthy Minds, Safe Schools, working to bring a replicable and customizable mental health model to schools. Please visit Healthymindssafeschools.com for more information.
Thank you so much for joining us! Can you tell us the “backstory” about what brought you to this specific career path?
Early traumatic life experiences gave me a warped view of the world, but sharpened my edges for survival and adaptability. After my mother died tragically in a car accident that I barely survived, I grew up fast. The shock that comes from a “normal” safe life suddenly not being normal or safe anymore has never entirely escaped me. Understanding how fragile life is from a young age imprinted on me the vulnerabilities of being a child and put me on the path to being a fierce advocate for children.
I still have residual effects of traumatic brain injury: short-term and long-term memory gaps, forgetting names and faces of people I have met, attention problems, and poor impulse control. I intens[KD1][AC2][AC3] ely understand pain, loss, grief, confusion, and weakness, which makes me especially empathetic to children and sensitive to their needs. My father taught me and my brother survival skills through outdoor recreation, and when the going got tough we went out in the elements. I have been hunting, fishing, hiking, off-roading, and lost in the wilderness more times than I can count, and I think that connection to nature and thriving through unpredictable circumstances has trained me to be calm when in the middle of chaos. Understanding children in a moment of chaos and helping them gain insight into their own feelings, thinking, and behavior helps them become more resilient.
My job has required rapid adaptation to constantly evolving challenges in inner-city schools. Since Columbine, the need for on-site threat assessments and suicide protocols have been routine in my schools, and increasing. Lack of adequate resources and training in schools and scarce community supports to work with behaviorally and emotionally dysregulated children has reached epidemic status. Over the years, I have observed systems and people slow to respond to the escalating numbers and severity of students in need. I felt that some of the solutions to safety in schools needed to come from people who actually work in schools and know how to effectively change systems from the inside. Advocating for proactive evidence-based practices, changing school systems to detect students’ needs, and responding with the necessary intensity of intervention supports have been my main priorities. Healthy Minds, Safe Schools, was designed to reform school practices that specifically address the social, emotional, and behavioral health of students because growing emotionally and behaviorally healthy children should be a national priority.
According to Mental Health America’s report, over 44 million Americans have a mental health condition. Yet there’s still a stigma about mental illness. Can you share a few reasons you think this is so?
Social status has impacted our perceptions of each other since the beginning of society. Mental health problems affect entire families, and as a coping skill to protect their children from the shame of societal rejection, some parents deny the problem. In addition, the fear that “crazy” is contagious or dangerous has been an historical social precedent, and it is only recently that mental illness has been considered a health condition which can be managed under the right level of care. What is considered normal behavior has become more skewed as well.
Many parents [KD4] are not instilling personal and civic responsibility in their children, and educators are not equipped to teach behavior like they are to teach reading. Children should not be punished for difficulties learning to read, and they should not be punished for not knowing how to act appropriately [KD5] either; both require non-punitive remedial opportunities. Children who do not learn how to play well with others grow into adults who are unable to effectively resolve conflict in their lives, so we set kids up for failure in society by not teaching them effective interpersonal skills. It is easier to blame students for misbehavior than to fix institutionalized bias, rampant poverty, and lack of sufficient resources and funding for public schools. With the advent of social media, children have more “friends” online and fewer interpersonal social skills. They normalize being isolated for 12 hours a day playing violent video games and obsessing over Fortnite, instead of recognizing the health risks of living in a violent fantasy world. Parents and educators blame children for not having social skills, critical thinking skills, and resilience in the face of adversity, even when these values are not explicitly taught to children in school or modeled at home. Then children are blamed for inappropriate responses to situations they are unprepared to handle.
Mental illness is becoming more commonly identified and treated than ever before, but parents continue to blame themselves, blame each other, blame the schools, and blame their children for “making bad choices”, even when signs of mental illness are present. They refuse to put their children on medication or get family counseling due to fear of side effects and social stigma attached to mental health diagnoses. Parents have judged other parents since the beginning of parenthood, and the messages on Facebook and social media where parents portray the “perfect” life with “perfect” kids is probably one of the biggest illusions perpetuated among parents on social media. Parenting is not always easy, and if your child is the one who acts differently than expected, then it is more socially palatable to make excuses, blame the child and blame the system, than treat the problem. A compounding factor is that mental illness runs in families, and caregivers stepping up to care for mentally ill children of mentally ill parents are not prepared or supported to raise emotionally, behaviorally, and medically fragile children.
The stigma of mental illness is likely due to a lack of education and supports in the community, and lack of understanding that psychiatric disorders are neurological and should not be considered a source of shame. Caregivers refusing to treat their mentally ill children must be re-educated to not blame their children for abnormal organic brain differences and must be taught how to work with individuals who think and act differently. When caregivers understand that withholding medication from mentally ill children can be just as dangerous as withholding insulin from diabetics, they have taken a big step towards acceptance of long-term management of a serious health condition. Medication is not necessary in all cases of mental illness, of course, but is part of the bigger conversation of whole-child health care. I find that parents who admit that their children need psychiatric medication are more likely to feel that it is an admission of their failure as parents.
Can you tell our readers about how you are helping to de-stigmatize the focus on mental wellness?
My co-author and I recently wrote a book about implementation science and systems change in secondary schools (Multi-tiered systems of support in secondary schools: The definitive guide to effective implementation and quality control, Routledge Publishing, 2019), and our elementary schools version will be out early next year. It was our hope to deliver a “turn-key” implementation guide to successfully support and sustain academic and mental health school-based systems that strategically increase levels of support based on student needs. We designed school protocol that we hope every school adopts, to systematically address improving access to academic, behavioral and mental health services to meet the needs of all students.
Trying to understand student problems, and manipulate the systems that contribute to and maintain those problems, are the goals. In these challenging times of our culture, adults are grasping with understanding and adapting to life circumstances; yet the world is infinitely more confusing for our children, with the consequences more severe for mistakes. Students experience more adverse childhood events and trauma, but are treated with less empathy and are taught fewer coping strategies. Punishments for failing are harsher for students than ever before. As public schools have been forced into the accountability movement, focused more on passing standardized tests than measuring growth by any other developmental indicator, our students are being denied experiences to develop critical thinking skills, social problem solving skills, and civic responsibility. The relevance of public education is in crisis. We are not preparing our students how to thrive socially, emotionally or behaviorally in society, and many are barely learning how to survive.
Advocating for policy and practice of mandatory social-emotional-behavioral (SEB) instruction in preschool through twelfth grade will teach children early and often how to express themselves and negotiate difficult situations through cooperative learning, conflict resolution, and critical thinking skills. SEB screenings should happen several times a year because students do not stay stable over time. Students with at-risk indicators are supported and monitored closely. Students requiring active case management and triage are supported by mental health team providers trained to work in smart teams. At the state, district and school levels, it takes time to grow effective practices to address high quality universal SEB instruction, institute regular screenings and systems to identify and prioritize students’ needs, increase evidence-based remedial opportunities, and monitor and manage at-risk students in school, in addition to working closely with community wraparound services. The results of Healthy Minds, Safe Schools in elementary and secondary schools has been magical in decreasing student-to-student violence and office referrals for discipline.
Was there a story behind why you decided to launch this initiative?
In my experience, the need for an integrated school-based mental health model has been a long time coming. A defining moment came when communications between staff members broke down and systems failed a student who was a potential threat to my school community. Fortunately, the student did not follow through on the threats but it was sure a wake-up call for better communications and coordination to address school safety. The following school year we happened to have the highest rate of student suicidal ideations and attempts on one school campus I ever experienced. Yet, with defined school-based mental health systems in place, our team matched student needs magnificently and kept all students in crisis alive and working through their problems at school, home, and in the community. We were so efficient at identifying students in crisis that school police and local community mental health service providers complained to school district officials about our coordinated school-based efforts, reporting that we were overwhelming them with the number and severity of student referrals. It has been a wake-up call to the whole community for better coordination of school and community based mental health supports.
Mental health systems in schools are poorly understood and under-implemented. Obviously, if students do not feel safe in schools their capacity to learn is impacted. As the frequency and intensity of school violence have increased, school safety has grabbed the headlines as the most important factor on a school campus nowadays. School security must be addressed in terms of school site layout, restricted access to students, and safe schools trainings. However, what clearly keeps children most safe is a positive school culture with enforced anti-bullying policies, educators skilled in positive behavioral instructional supports, and defined multi-tiered systems of support in place for prevention, identification and remediation of students’ mental and behavioral health problems. We have defined school team functions, smart systems and programs, and processes to actively identify, support and manage high-risk students, increase inclusive family practices, promote collaboration with law enforcement, and improve resource mapping to provide access to community health and counseling services.
In your experience, what should a) individuals b) society, and c) the government do to better support people suffering from mental illness?
We can start with funding preschool for all children. Early childhood education is linked to positive educational outcomes for children later in life. We must teach students social-emotional-behavioral skills starting in preschool up through high school. Providing students with repeated opportunities to learn how to regulate their emotions throughout their school years will ensure ample exposure to social skills and problem solving. Banning corporal punishment in all schools across the country would eliminate the negative aftermath that abusive practices cause. Inflicting pain on a child is never a valid teaching method and causes permanent emotional harm to many children. Students of color and those with disabilities are disproportionately punished with harsher consequences, and it is a social justice issue to abolish corporal punishment in all schools.
Transforming schools into smart organizations where smart teams of highly trained individuals, working within and across teams, are actively solving problems for students to prepare them for success provides the most equitable practices within schools. Adequately funding education, paying teachers and educators a living wage, improving the ratios of school-based mental health professionals working in schools, and implementing multi-tiered systems of support for academic, behavioral and mental health practices in schools would make schools safer by investing in preventative care, timely remediation of academic and behavioral problems, and coordinated crisis response. Connecting community based health centers with schools to provide health and mental health services on school campuses reduces barriers to treatment, including transportation for families, improving access for students.
Individuals must start speaking up more about the need to improve mental health services in schools and the greater community through advocacy and policy. They can contact their local and state legislators urging them to increase funding and demand standards of school-based mental health systems, show up at committee meetings and hearings to voice concerns, write and submit statements at legislative committee meetings and hearings, call their elected representatives to voice concerns, vote for increased funding and services in schools and vote for those who support it, and run for office to lead efforts in policy and practice.
What are your 6 strategies you use to promote your own wellbeing and mental wellness? Can you please give a story or example for each?
Turn off the electronics and give others my full attention when talking to them, especially my children. We are so attached to immediate communications, immediate news updates, and immediate gratification of instantly finding what we want on our electronic devices we forget to pay attention to actual people in our lives trying to interact with us. I know when I work too much or spend too much time online, I feel less connected to other people and less happy. Put down your cell phone and go play with your kids at the park, and talk to them the whole way there and back. You will all feel better.
Get daily exercise. Endorphins are power players in feeling happiness, and my brain is happier when my body is moving. Exercise is one of the best anti-depressants and mood regulators there are, so get moving. And create healthy family habits by staying active together.
Regularly staying in touch with my support group ensures that I have healthy lifelines. Whether you have close knit family or an assortment of friends, interacting with other people and showing them you care will make you feel a sense of belonging, which is a basic need, as much as food and shelter. Interacting with people you care about also increases those feel-good brain chemicals, like Serotonin and Dopamine.
Go out into nature and marvel at the natural wonders of deserts, mountains, lakes, rivers, and skies. Appreciating animals, plants, sunsets, and the natural environment is stress relieving. Take your focus off yourself and other problems by going outside. Walking barefoot in the grass, gardening, and swimming will do, but if possible go a little outside your comfort zone and enjoy what you find.
Meditation is highly relaxing and mind cleansing. I can meditate for several minutes in my office before a stressful meeting by focusing on my breath and nothing else. At night, relaxing in the hot tub, looking up at the stars, and quieting my mind allows me to process my feelings and experiences in a way that opens up spaces for creativity, understanding of different perspectives, and forgiveness.
Having faith, expressing gratitude, and giving back to our community through charity gives me a sense of purpose, a belief that I am part of something greater, and always deep appreciation for my blessings, opportunities, and challenges.
What are your favorite books, podcasts, or resources that inspire you to be a mental health champion?
The Boy Who Was Raised as a Dog: And Other Stories from a Child Psychiatrist’s Notebook — What Traumatized Children Can Teach Us About Loss, Love, and Healing (Perry & Szalavitz, 2017).
Odd Girl Out, Revised and Updated: The Hidden Culture of Aggression in Girls (Simmons, 2011).
I believe in 360-degree feedback. Ask team members what’s working, what’s not, what processes could be tweaked or adjusted to make things more efficient. You don’t want a team full of people who agree with everything you say; you want to be challenged, to learn, to grow, to shift your understanding when necessary.
As a part of my series about strong female leaders, I had the pleasure of interviewing Carter Barnhart, Newport Academy’s first-ever Chief Experience Officer (CXO). Her highest priority is optimizing the experience of teens, young adults, and families throughout their time with us. Carter joined the Newport Academy family more than 10 years ago, first as a resident and then as a team member. As a result, she brings her own experience of personal recovery to her work, and is passionate about increasing awareness and reducing stigma around mental health and substance abuse challenges. Carter has served in several different positions at Newport Academy, beginning in the CEO’s office and most recently as the Vice President of Referral Relations. Hence, she has extensive knowledge of every aspect of the treatment experience, including referral relations, service offerings, discharge planning, admissions, and operations. In addition, Carter serves as Chair of the New York Provider Liaison Association and sits on the board of the International Association of Eating Disorder Professionals. She is also the co-founder of the Inspiration Foundation, and speaks frequently at schools, conferences, and hospitals on issues related to adolescent mental health. A graduate of New York University with a degree in the Psychology of Success, Carter is dedicated to supporting teens and young adults on the path to healing.
Newport Academy is a series of evidence-based healing centers for teens, young adults, and families struggling with mental health issues, eating disorders, and substance abuse. With locations across the United States, Newport Academy offers a family-systems approach, providing gender-specific, individualized, and comprehensive holistic programs that encompass clinical therapy, academic support, and experiential practices. Offerings include residential treatment centers, Partial Hospitalization Programs, Intensive Outpatient Programs, and Therapeutic Day Schools. Newport Academy nurtures the physical, psychological, social, educational, and spiritual needs of adolescents and their families, from a foundation of compassionate care, clinical expertise, and unconditional love. Our primary mission is to empower teens and restore families. Experts include MDs, psychiatrists, therapists, registered dieticians, nurses, licensed social workers, teachers, and more.
Thank you for joining us! Can you tell us a story about what brought you to this specific career path?
In my early teens, I was too unsure of myself to find my place, let alone compete academically and socially. I was bullied, which caused tremendous anxiety. Anxiety turned into depression. Depression turned into acting out. My parents became concerned and contacted a therapist, who connected them with Jamison Monroe Jr., founder of Newport Academy. He had just opened the original location in California. My parents enrolled me in the program and after 45 days there, I felt a new sense of confidence. Newport was like a “life academy” for me. I learned how to love myself, be vulnerable, and connect authentically with others. I learned to study and manage my time. After Newport Academy, I returned to high school and was much more engaged. I was a better student, family member, friend, and community member. In college, I experimented with a few internships — a venture fund, retail, etc., but I spent most of my free time outside of the classroom and the office, playing therapist and life coach to my friends. I was the go-to person for advice when anyone was struggling. I began to realize that my true calling was helping people. In 2011, my sophomore year, I reached out to Jamison and asked him if I could come back to Newport Academy, this time as part of the team. And the rest is history!
Can you share the most interesting story that happened to you since you began your leadership position?
Our residential campus in Connecticut is a 65-acre property with a pond. One day, one of our teens was discussing his relationship with his siblings in a group therapy session. It was a challenging topic — he got triggered and impulsively jumped into the pond. I didn’t hesitate. I dove in, fully dressed, and swam across to the other side. The boy was sitting there when I arrived. He was shocked that I had cared enough about what he was going through to do that. It was an important moment in his recovery to recognize how much we truly cared about him. Many years later, my colleagues still reference this moment. It was a true example of hands-on leadership. We do more through our actions than our words, and as a senior executive, demonstrating the willingness to get your hands dirty — or in my case, all my clothes dirty — has tremendous power.
All good leaders make a mistake that they learn from. Can you share a story about a humorous mistake you made when you were first starting? Can you tell us what lesson you learned from that?
About a year ago, I was speaking to a group of clinical professionals at a luncheon, talking about the trends I was seeing regarding substance abuse among teenagers. I spent 15 minutes talking about Juul, until someone interrupted asking how jewelry can get them high. I realized that while Juul was an everyday word for me, it was unfamiliar territory for others. The lesson there: Know your audience!
What do you think makes Newport Academy stand out? Can you share a story?
Every staff member at Newport Academy has a “why.” They choose to work here because they truly want to help people and change lives. As an organization, we have an unrelenting commitment to personalized care. Every client’s experience is tailored to what they need, and the staff is always willing to go the extra mile to support clients in making shifts happen. One of my favorite stories about how we came together as an organization to support an individual was when we admitted a patient who had a sleep disorder and was nocturnal. When she arrived, she was unable to wake up until 9 pm and couldn’t fall asleep until 9 am. For a residential treatment center that typically delivers services during the daytime, this initially presented some problems. However, our medical and psychiatric team collaborated with the clinical and educational team to develop a customized treatment plan. Her treatment began at 9 pm and throughout the night, different professionals would meet with her. It was amazing to see the willingness of the staff to come in at all hours to administer treatment. Over time, we began to shift her schedule by 30 minutes each day and, after 45 days, we had reversed her schedule and she was able to fall asleep by 10 pm every night. Our staff truly cares, and it makes all the difference.
Are you working on any exciting new projects now? How do you think that will help people?
The CXO role is brand new to Newport Academy, so there are many exciting projects that I am working on … Choosing just one to talk about is hard! Our patient experience currently is stellar, so our biggest goal is to maintain this standard of excellence as we expand. We are working on creating a standard definition so that, a year or two from now, we can ask any employee, “What does patient experience mean?” and they will have a clear understanding of what that means and how they contribute to it. By creating a shared language, we will be able to track and measure our success, while also seamlessly onboarding new employees.
What advice would you give to other female leaders to help their team to thrive?
If you want certain things from your team — respect, dedication, loyalty — it’s very simple. You have to give those things to your team, and you have to do it first. Then you get mirrored reciprocation. Everyone wants the same things: to be listened to, respected, and loved. You go first, and then your team will follow.
In terms of team dynamics, it’s invaluable to really get to know your staff. Find out their personal and professional goals, their likes and dislikes, what inspires and motivates them. Don’t be afraid to be vulnerable: Anyone who tells you that you shouldn’t express emotions or feelings in the workplace is wrong; if anything, expressions of passion and emotion are assets to a team, not things to be hidden away.
Finally, don’t be afraid to step outside what feels comfortable. It’s well known that many female leaders struggle with Imposter Syndrome — the persistent feeling that we’ll be exposed as frauds who don’t deserve what we’ve achieved. We tend to doubt our competence and our abilities. A recent study by Hewlett-Packard highlighted this phenomenon: whereas men often apply for a job when they meet just 60 percent of the qualifications, women typically only apply if they meet 100 percent of them. It’s important to remember that you didn’t get where you are by mistake: You deserve everything you’ve achieved, and you have the ability to go even further if you just trust yourself. Continue learning; continue pushing past any self-imposed restrictions.
What advice would you give to other female leaders about the best way to manage a large team?
I believe in 360-degree feedback. Ask team members what’s working, what’s not, what processes could be tweaked or adjusted to make things more efficient. You don’t want a team full of people who agree with everything you say; you want to be challenged, to learn, to grow, to shift your understanding when necessary.
None of us are able to achieve success without some help along the way. Is there a particular person who you are grateful towards who helped get you to where you are? Can you share a story about that?
The founder of Newport Academy, Jamison Monroe Jr., has been instrumental in shaping me into the person I am today. He took a risk eight years ago by hiring me and having me work in his office. I was able to learn firsthand what it takes to run a successful treatment center that helps hundreds of people on an annual basis. When we first opened our Connecticut campus, Jamison was involved in every department. We had a new client entering treatment who was incredibly anxious. I watched as Jamison brought him into the kitchen and made him his favorite meal. He was warm, approachable, and never mentioned that he was the CEO. Jamison has role-modeled for me how to lead with humility and love.
How have you used your success to bring goodness to the world?
I am lucky because every day I get to help bring goodness into the world. In my time at Newport Academy, I have touched thousands of lives. Last week, I spoke at a high school and afterwards, a girl from the audience came up to me. She told me that four years ago, she had heard my presentation and as a result had reached out to Newport Academy. She came to us with anxiety, depression, and a history of suicide attempts. When I saw her last week, she was about to graduate from high school with honors and had been accepted into college — and she asked me for a summer internship. It’s so fulfilling to hear stories like hers, and to know that I am paying forward the gifts that I received.
What are your “5 Leadership Lessons I Learned From My Experience” and why. (Please share a story or example for each.)
Always be radically candid. Kim Scott talks about this in her book Radical Candor — the importance of ensuring that those on your team know how valuable they are but also how they can improve. Truly caring about your staff and also being comfortable holding them accountable — and having them hold you accountable — is the art of great leadership. I give my team opportunities to be radically candid with me, to share their struggles and tell me how I could better support them.
Servant leadership is so important. Your team needs to know that you’ll do whatever it takes. Prioritizing empathy and pitching in over ego and personal ambition is so important. Our CEO is frequently found taking out the trash! I try to start each day by asking my team and my colleagues what they need from me in order to be successful that day. I’m amazed by the honest responses I receive, and they make me a better member of the team.
Collaboration is key. No one person can know or do it all on their own. The more we can work together as a team, the better service we will be able to provide. This is especially true when working with teenagers, especially resistant ones. Every day, we are reminded of the importance of collaboration.
Find out your team members’ dream jobs. This is an incredibly important conversation to have with your direct reports. Once a year, I ask my team to share their dreams with me. Whatever they tell me, there’s a way to apply that to what they’re doing now. If they say they’d like to own a farm someday, for example, you can easily link the characteristics they’d need to fulfill that dream — financial responsibility, increased work ethic, ability to manage people — to their current job description, including special projects that call on those attributes.
Find out what motivates your team. If you know someone really appreciates positive feedback, give them plenty of it. If you know someone is financially motivated, bonus them better. If you realize that someone really appreciates negative feedback and always wants to be challenged and pushed, provide that for them. I had a candid conversation with one of my direct reports, asking her what motivates her. She explained that she becomes bored very easily, that mundane tasks are difficult for her and she needs to be constantly challenged. I realized that the best thing would be to assign her to special projects, to challenge her and change up her daily routine. All problems have a root cause, and it is crucial when a problem arises to keep asking “why” in order to uncover that underlying issue.
You are a person of great influence. If you could inspire a movement that would bring the most amount of good to the most amount of people, what would that be? You never know what your idea can trigger.
Right now, teenagers and young adults are extremely isolated. The old practice of having a pen pal — making a positive connection with a peer in another place — has devolved into ugly chatrooms and message boards. I’d like to see young people meet online and in real life in safe spaces, where they can connect in a meaningful way. I’d also like to see healthcare and therapy made available to all citizens, which is a real possibility given the advancements in technology that have made telehealth a reality.
Can you please give us your favorite “Life Lesson Quote”? Can you share how that was relevant to you in your life?
“The most important skill a skipper can have is the ability to see through the eyes of the crew.” — Michael Abrashoff
I’m an empath. In order to optimize the experience of our patients, our team members, and the behavioral health community, I need to understand their perspectives on every challenge that arises.
Some of the biggest names in Business, VC funding, Sports, and Entertainment read this column. Is there a person in the world, or in the US with whom you would love to have a private breakfast or lunch with, and why? He or she might just see this if we tag them 🙂
I would love to have breakfast or lunch with Dr. Atul Gawande. Dr. Gawande has been selected by Jeff Bezos, Warren Buffett, and Jamie Dimon to fundamentally change how healthcare is structured, paid for, and provided. He is disrupting the healthcare industry and, in my opinion, has the most potential to change the future of American healthcare.
“Most important, realize that you are human being; We aren’t meant to be perfect.” with Kristin Bornstein
Most important, realize that you are human being. We aren’t meant to be perfect. Working on acknowledging and believing that you are great just as you are, even with flaws. Our flaws are there to teach us how we can improve upon ourselves, not to strive to be perfect. Go easy on yourself but also learn and grow. There is no growth when you judge yourself. Learning about yourself from a nonjudgmental stance will increase your self-love.
As a part of my series about “Learning To Finally Love Yourself” I had the pleasure to interview Kristin Bornstein, LMHC. Kristin is a licensed therapist and life coach. She has her masters in family and marriage therapy and mental health therapy. Kristin currently owns a private practice for over ten years and has been practicing for fifteen years. In addition to being a therapist, Kristin is also a life coach. She specializes in helping women focus on living the healthiest versions of themselves, going for their dreams and creating real purpose in their lives. In Kristin’s free time, she focuses on spending time with her family. She loves doing anything adventurous, including going on her dream trip to the Everest Base Camp. When not out adventuring, she loves local bookstores, anything having to do with Egyptology, and creating stone sculptures.
Thank you so much for joining us! I’d love to begin by asking you to give us the backstory as to what brought you to this specific career path.
My career path started when I was young, without realizing it. As a child and teenager, I was always involved in volunteer work. I really loved volunteering and helping others. As I got older, I knew that I wanted to be in a helping profession and liked helping people with their problems. Becoming a therapist was a natural fit for me. As I continued my work as a therapist, I realized that I not only enjoyed working with mental health concerns, but also, helping people live to their full potential, live their purpose, and create a life they desire. This is how I decided to start my work as a life coach. I wanted to create change in other’s lives, but in a different way than I do as a therapist.
Are you working on any exciting new projects now? How do you hope that they might help people along their path to self-understanding or a better sense of wellbeing in their relationships?
I am in the process of writing a book. The book is about how self-love ignites your internal power to live a life where you are empowered, joyful and alive. The book delves into how to create the best self-care practices so you can access the unlimited power you have inside in order to make your life whatever you want. You are taught how to tap into this power and use it for the greatest good for your life, for those around you and in the world.This book starts with our own self-care and then expands into how we can expand our lives to create a positive impact in the world.
Do you have a personal story that you can share with our readers about your struggles or successes along your journey of self-understanding and self-love? Was there ever a tipping point that triggered a change regarding your feelings of self acceptance?
My journey of increased self-love was created from a struggle that turned out to be one of the biggest successes in my life. It is an experience that I am proud of myself for working through and ended up coming out a stronger person for it. The decision to coach women grew out of this deep transformative experience I had years ago where I was challenged in my capabilities.
I had spent many months training to go to the Everest Base Camp. I thought I was prepared, but as my flight was coming to a landing in Kathmandu, a wave of panic and nausea came over me. I had flown across the world by myself only to meet up with a group of strangers and to then trek to the highest peak in the world. In that moment, I thought I was delusional for thinking this was a good idea.
I had always thought of myself as confident and had the belief that I could do anything I set my mind to. In this instance, I felt that I had lost this part of me. I didn’t know how I was going to get through the trip. As the trip got underway, I began really enjoying the experience and the company. I starting feeling more confident in my mental and physical capabilities. This experience led me back to realizing that I can do anything I put my mind to. This completely changed how I deal with challenging situations. I now feel more confident in being able to rely on myself. This experience led me to become an even stronger, resilient and confident person.
According to a recent study cited in Cosmopolitan, in the US, only about 28 percent of men and 26 percent of women are “very satisfied with their appearance.” Could you talk about what some of the causes might be, as well as the consequences?
There are a number of reasons that people are unhappy with their appearance. There is of course, the influence of media and marketing that affects the way people think about their physical appearance. I would however, like to talk more about some of the more subtle reasons that people dislike their appearance. These reasons can be very powerful influences. These reasons can include: feeling judged and embarrassed by how they look, a negative comment, or their body not being an accurate reflection of how they want to feel. Other reasons include: feeling like their appearance caused them to be turned down for a date or job, underperformance in a physical activity, clothes not feeling good or fitting well on their body, feeling too tall or short. These reasons are pervasive because these are the things that people experience on a daily basis.
Over time it becomes ingrained as a belief that people have about themselves. These beliefs become more ingrained when a person starts associating who they are based on their appearance. It can look like, “ I am fat because I’m lazy. Neither may be true, but you are giving yourself the message that you don’t like how you look and it’s because of some character defect. It’s about reshifting how you approach your inner voice. Instead of the above comment, a healthier approach may be, “I would like to be more productive in my day. How can I do this?” Now we are stepping away from appearance and looking specifically at what you would really want, instead of not want. Being more productive gives you the opportunity to do something that would improve your life.
People can associate how they look with what happens in their life more often than looking at other possibilities that could be more accurate. We have grown up with messages that if we look a certain way, we will have our dream relationship, dream job, perform at our peak level. The danger in this is that we then don’t end up acknowledging the real reason we say, didn’t get the promotion. We then can never do anything about the real reason because they are so focused on their appearance as being the root cause.
Focusing on appearance pulls us away from making our morals, beliefs, and values the most important factor of who we are as people. When we shift the focus to who we are as a person, our identity becomes more tied into how we want to conduct ourselves and how we want to live each day. When our identity is tied into our appearance, it reduces our self-esteem. We only see ourselves at face value and we start to lose who we are underneath. It reduces our ability to see the positive aspects of who we are. We begin to have trouble seeing our own intrinsic worth. This in turn creates a disconnect to the things we are capable of doing in our life and then creates a vicious downward cycle where appearance becomes our worth.
As cheesy as it might sound to truly understand and “love yourself,” can you share with our readers a few reasons why it’s so important?
Our self-love is the foundation of how we live our life. Self-love cultivates self-esteem. When we have increased self-esteem, we increase our self-respect. We are more likely to only allow people and situations into our lives that improve the quality of our life and with whom we can have a mutually respectful relationship.
We are able to stand up for what we know is right for us and make decisions based on this. We are less likely to feel pressured by others opinions or expectations of us. Our self-respect becomes the number one factor in our decisions regardless of how difficult the decision may be. We are mentally and emotionally strong enough to follow through on healthy but tough decision.
When we love ourselves, we begin to look at possibilities for our life. We believe in ourselves and that we can do or accomplish our dreams and goals in life. We open ourselves up to taking on challenges that will improve our life. We no longer accept mediocrity because we know that our potential is limitless.
Why do you think people stay in mediocre relationships? What advice would you give to our readers regarding this?
There are a number of different reasons people stay in mediocre relationships. The relationships we pick are largely due to how we perceived our parents relationship as children. If a person sees their parents relationship as mediocre they may then enter into a highly enmeshed, passionate, high conflict, relationship to compensate for not wanting to be like their parents. Alternatively, a person may enter into a similar relationship as their parents. In either case, both would be considered mediocre because you are not in a relationship that is truly healthy for you. This is not to say that a person can’t have a healthy relationship if their parents have a mediocre relationship.
You may decide to maintain mediocre relationships because people tend to be adverse to change, not feeling like they can do better, or comfortable knowing what to expect. There is also a fear of future relationships being worse than the current one.
Also, people stay in mediocre relationships because of the fear of being rejected. The fear of being rejected by someone that they may really feel is a good match for them is greater than just putting up with the current relationship.
There is an element of being afraid of being alone. A person may feel that a mediocre relationship is better than no relationship. There is a deep fear of being alone and they choose to be someone that they know will be with them even if it’s not the best match.
There can also be an inner fear of getting too close to someone or an issue with your own confidence. If you’re not comfortable with getting close to people, then you may feel like a mediocre relationship is best.
You also know that there can be more emotional distance in a mediocre relationship. The other person won’t challenge you to be a better person leading you to not work on yourself as much as when you are in a healthy relationship. You can glide along without having to really work on the relationship. There can be a discomfort in emotional intimacy with a partner, and that can keep a person comfortable in a mediocre relationship.
If the relationship is mediocre around physical intimacy, it can be due to past negative sexual experiences. If the sex is mundane, or there is a lack of sex, it keeps that person in a safe zone where they are likely to be less emotionally activated by the past sexual experience. Perhaps it is too scary to work on the past sexual experience, or a person finds it easier to always know what to expect from sex so there aren’t any surprises.
When we talk about self-love and understanding we don’t necessarily mean blindly loving and accepting ourselves the way we are. Many times self-understanding requires us to reflect and ask ourselves the tough questions, to realize perhaps where we need to make changes in ourselves to be better not only for ourselves but our relationships. What are some of those tough questions that will cut through the safe space of comfort we like to maintain, that our readers might want to ask themselves? Can you share an example of a time that you had to reflect and realize how you needed to make changes?
Self-love is about always challenging ourselves to make us better. Some great questions to ask ourselves to continue to grow as a person are:
1. What would your life and relationships look like if you loved yourself unconditionally?
2. What is one thing that you find consistently gets in the way of you being a better person, or making better decisions? Why is this? What is one thing you can do to start working on yourself in this area?
3. What are three traits you would like to improve upon? Why is this important to you? How would improving these three traits change how you view yourself and how would your relationships look?
4. What beliefs you have about yourself that you think could be improved? Where did those beliefs stem from? What would you like to believe about yourself instead? How can you start creating the evidence that you are believing and living this improved belief?
5. If there’s a conflict, What is my part in this conflict? Why did I say, or react the way I did? What can I do to work on this so I can react better next time?
I’m not sure if there is one defining example of a time that I needed to reflect and make changes. I honestly feel like this happens on a regular basis. I believe as a coach and therapist, it is important for me to continue to look at myself and challenge myself for the better since it is the work I ask of my clients. I would be a hypocrite if I didn’t do the same work.
I would have to say that I am challenged the most to improve myself in my relationship with my husband. He isn’t afraid to tell me when I’ve said something, done something that was out of line or that I could have done better. He is always my cheerleader and support and also the person that is always challenging me to be a better person, rise to the occasion and challenges me to strengthen my resolve when things don’t go right. This causes me to do a lot of inner reflection around the type of person I strive to be, how I want to live my life, the type of person I want to be to others. My goal is to do the best work on myself that I can in order to best help my clients.
So many don’t really know how to be alone, or are afraid of it. How important is it for us to have, and practice, that capacity to truly be with ourselves and be alone (literally or metaphorically)?
There are many important aspects of being able to spend time alone, but many people are held back from being alone for a multitude of different reasons. Some people are either uncomfortable with who they are and they may not feel good about themselves. They may feel anxious or depressed, which makes it difficult to enjoy either spending time on their own or being alone.
If you’re struggling with being alone there are a number of things you can do to work towards feeling comfortable with yourself. To start, it can help to pick an activity that you have to engage in mentally or physically. This can help to keep your brain from wandering back to the fact that you’re doing something on your own. Start slow with this activity. If you know a half-hour is too long, try doing that activity for fifteen or twenty minutes to start feeling comfortable. Try doing this every other day. You want to make this consistent so you start getting used to being alone and hopefully liking your own company! Then, build up the time you are spending by yourself as the fifteen or twenty minutes gets easy.
The time people spend with themselves can be highly beneficial. As the comfort of being alone increases, so does the enjoyment of the experience of being alone. You can start using this space as a retreat from the outside world. It is a place you can go when you need time to rest, gather your thoughts, become introspective and rejuvenate your energy.
You will also start to learn new things about yourself and grow as a person. We can really get introspective with our thoughts and feeling about our life, job, things going on around us, the world, just about anything. We start to notice the things that really light us up, things that we are passionate about, and things that make us angry or upset.
Spending time alone helps us to learn how to hold space for ourselves when we are having a hard time. We can use this space to support ourselves emotionally or to do something for ourselves that make us feel better. We learn what makes ourselves feel better and how we can be self-reliant when challenged or when things don’t go as planned.
When we spend time alone, we are on our own agenda and time. It can be so freeing to spend the time you have doing exactly what you want to do. You don’t have to be concerned about what another person wants to do, if they’re enjoying themselves, or feeling like you have to entertain another person. You get to relax into having your own space.
At the end of the day it is about enjoying our own company because we have to live with ourselves and may as well enjoy our own journey.
How does achieving a certain level of self-understanding and self-love then affect your ability to connect with and deepen your relationships with others?
When we are able to love ourselves, we are able to care for and love others.
We are able to more deeply connect with others. When we know who we are, what we stand for, what our beliefs, morals and values are, we have a stronger sense of self. As a person goes deeper in self-understanding, they can then take that self awareness and start creating relationships with a similar basis. This creates rich relationships in our lives. When we are willing to go deeper within ourselves, we can feel comfortable taking our relationships to a deeper level. This strengthens and enhances the relationships we are in.
As we get to know ourselves better and feel comfortable with ourselves, we become a more positive person. This positivity is expressed through how we decide to go through our daily lives, and interact with others. As we are more positive, we will have more positive interactions and relationships with others.
When we develop increased self-love, we are less likely to judge ourselves harshly, and increase how we care for ourselves. Loving ourselves is the first step in loving others. We are then less likely to judge others. We increase our sense of empathy and caring towards others which deepens our relationships.
In your experience, what should a) individuals and b) society, do to help people better understand themselves and accept themselves?
There are a number of ways people can better understand themselves. This can be done through introspective work such as journaling about:
Things that elicit different emotions and why they make you feel that way
Priorities you have in your life, and what you would like to prioritize in your life
Dreams and goals
Points of view on different topics and why you have those views
How you have been able to overcome challenges in your life. How you handle difficult situations. How you problem solve.
What your strengths and weaknesses are
What things you like and don’t like. What you like/don’t like to do.
How you take feedback.
These journaling prompts are not for you to judge yourself on, but to better understand yourself. If there are areas that you see could use improvement you can now be proactive and work on yourself.
You can also put yourself in situations that get you out of your comfort zone and challenge you. You can learn so much about yourself when you step out of the norm. You see how you handle challenges, what you are capable of, how you can improve on different areas of your life. Often, even if something is scary, it can be the most rewarding experience and create a stronger sense of self.
Most important, realize that you are human being. We aren’t meant to be perfect. Working on acknowledging and believing that you are great just as you are, even with flaws. Our flaws are there to teach us how we can improve upon ourselves, not to strive to be perfect. Go easy on yourself but also learn and grow. There is no growth when you judge yourself. Learning about yourself from a nonjudgmental stance will increase your self-love.
It can be easiest to do this by stepping back, looking at the situation, your thoughts, beliefs, emotions and then asking yourself what you’ve learned, and how you can manage or look at things differently going forward.
As a society we can spend time offering ourselves and our time towards helping others. When we offer help, a kind word, support to someone or a group of people that need help, we are in essence saying that we’re here for you, you’re worth it, and can make things better for yourself. When we come together to help others, it takes away the stigma or belief that there is something wrong with that person or that group of people. Feeling that inclusion and caring, can help people feel better about themselves.
When we take time and get to know and listen to a specific groups beliefs or actions, we can often walk away with a greater understanding of others, and ourselves. Ask them to explain what they mean, ask questions that may make both parties think. Create dialogue, not argument about a topic. This creates the opportunity for both groups to think about where they stand, and to respect and feel respected when communicating in this way.
We can all do small things collectively that help people individually and as a society as a whole. It can be things like giving a smile, kind word, listening, helping, offering something to someone in need. If we all did these small and easy actions on a daily basis and made them a priority, we would have a society where people felt included, loved, and accepted. Research shows that when we help, we then feel better about ourselves. We identify ourselves as caring and loving.
What are 5 strategies that you implement to maintain your connection with and love for yourself, that our readers might learn from? Could you please give a story or example for each?
There are a number of different things that I do that helps to maintain a connection with myself and increase my self-awareness.
1.I spend time alone in nature. There are so many benefits of not only having some contemplative alone time, but also being in nature. Nature helps to reduce stress, improve mood, create clarity as well as so many other benefits. Whenever I’m struggling with something, need perspective, ideas, or a place to relax, I always go to the woods. When I’m there, I am much more effective in problem solving, receiving clarity and coming up with inspired ideas.
2. I spend time learning. There is a Buddhist monastery in my town and I teach the monks English. I also take stone sculpture classes. In both these experiences as a teacher and student, there is so much I learn about myself. In reality, I’m a student to the monks. The lessons I teach the monks are nothing in comparison to the life lessons they teach me. In my stone sculpture classes, I am challenged. I learn new things, make mistakes (a lot of them) and realize that a mistake can bring about the most beautiful sculpture.
3. I push myself out of my comfort zone. Being outdoors is a huge part of my life. I find that I learn the most about myself when I try something new outdoors. This can be something that pushes my limits or makes me nervous. It teaches me more about what I am capable of, how I can better handle challenging situations, and how to accept myself even if I’m not successful at what I set out to do. It forces me to connect to myself on a physical, mental and emotional level. I find that I am most challenged when it comes to rope courses where I am high off the ground as I’m afraid of heights and have a fear of falling.
Attempting something new can make you feel really great that you tried it, regardless of the outcome. Stepping out of your your comfort zone enlivens you with possibilities for your life that you maybe wouldn’t have ever considered. This makes our life more rich in experience.
4. I spend time reading about anything that helps me grow as a person. I read things that challenge the status quo, that make you think, and books that help to contemplate on self-improvement. I like reading about different perspectives, beliefs, and ways of living that may enhance my own life. Learning from others is such a great way to evaluate your own thoughts and beliefs. It teaches you more about what you believe and know about yourself and what you stand for as a person.
5. I spend time meditating. When I meditate, it connects my breath to my body and helps me to recognize what I am physically experiencing. It also forces me to acknowledge my thoughts. Sometimes our thoughts can be a running stream of things we don’t realize we are thinking. When we get quiet within ourselves, we are able to see all the thoughts that circulate in our heads. Meditation helps to quiet the unnecessary thoughts. It helps you to recognizing your running thoughts, not judging them as we all tend to do, and learning how to release the thoughts. This practice can be used in a practical sense in our life. We can step back, acknowledge what we think or believe, evaluate the situation and make a decision instead of quickly reacting.
When I meditate I realize that there is so much junk or random things that circulate in my head that I really don’t need. I am able to use my breath to calm myself down if a stressful or angry thought comes up. I am able to be more focused, less reactive and have more positive thoughts. The breathing meditation connects me on all levels of self and always helps me to gently care for myself more fully through how I chose to think and feel.
What are your favorite books, podcasts, or resources for self-psychology, intimacy, or relationships? What do you love about each one and how does it resonate with you?
Man’s Search For Meaning by Viktor Frankl- This is one of my ultimate favorite books. It’s premise is about a therapeutic approach called Logotherapy that Dr.Viktor Frankl created when he was in the concentration camp at Auschwitz. There is so much to learn about the human experience, identifying purpose in life even in challenging circumstances, feeling positive about it and imagining the outcome. It is about getting through the struggle with a clear picture of how you want things to be different and working towards that desire.
As a therapist, I love this book for it’s perspective on how we can all get through challenging situations and how we all can find purpose and meaning for our life even in the midst of struggle. This is one of my all time favorite books that opened my eyes to a positive and meaningful way of living.
The Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman- This book helps couples to understand how their partner experiences and gives love. People can feel disconnected to their partner when each have a different way of experiencing love. It teaches how to better connect with your partner with each love language. This book can also be applied to any intimate relationship in a family or friend to better understand how you connect intimately with others.
This book has helped give me the perspective of how I need and show caring. It gives me the understanding that if I’m not feeling my type of love in a relationship, it may not be because that person isn’t giving me love, they are just showing it in a different way. It has helped to open me up to other ways of showing love.
Radical Acceptance- This is such a powerful book in helping you fully accept who you are just the way you are. It’s about freeing yourself from insecurities about not being good enough and appreciating who you are and in turn improving your relationship with others. This book is amazing in helping you break out of your own emotional programming that keeps us stuck from living a happy and meaningful life.
There is so much truth to what is discussed in this book. I have been able to look at myself in certain circumstances that I haven’t felt good about and start appreciating myself as I am in the present. Being able to appreciate and love myself is the most powerful thing I have experienced through what I learned from this book.
You are a person of great influence. If you could inspire a movement that would bring the most amount of good to the most amount of people, what would that be? Maybe we’ll inspire our readers to start it…
I have started the I’m Possible Movement. The movement is all about being and doing anything we want in our life without fear or doubt holding us back from living our best life. This movement is about building confidence in who we are and taking inspired action towards our dreams and goals.When we learn to be at our best, we can better the lives of everyone around us. The movement is about giving back, making an impact in the world and creating positive change. We create this change when we believe that we have the power within us to make anything happen!
Can you please give us your favorite “Life Lesson Quote” that you use to guide yourself by? Can you share how that was relevant to you in your life and how our readers might learn to live by it in theirs?
You can’t go back and change the beginning, but you can start where you are and change the ending. C.S Lewis
I love this quote because it gives me hope. Sometimes it is so easy to look back and even look at our current situation and have regret. If only I had or hadn’t done something, I would be in a better place. This quote reminds me that no matter what is going on in my life, I always have options in the present. I have the control to change my life now. I don’t need to worry about what I did wrong, messed up, made poor choices. I know that I can take my life in the current state and make the changes that I want to see in my life. This quote is so empowering to me to remember that I am never stuck in my current situation. I can always make things better.
“Mass media has a way of subtly but powerfully instilling a sense of “the perfect look” throughout the population.” with Roselyn Smith and Fotis Georgiadis
Mass media has a way of subtly but powerfully instilling a sense of “the perfect look” throughout the population. And social media has opened the door even more for people to personalize, criticize and ridicule self and others who don’t achieve those looks. This is a phenomenon that has always existed but that has become even more influential as technology has advanced. Unfortunately, a large factor influencing acceptance of self and others has to do with appearance, rather than emphasizing character, recognition of the positive aspects of self or others, empathy for self and others, etc. But not everyone does look the same or can capture the same trending looks.
I had the pleasure to interview Roselyn Smith, Ph.D., a Licensed Psychologist in Miami, Florida. Dr. Smith is recognized by Fulbright as a Specialist in human resilience and critical incident/disaster preparedness, prevention, response and recovery and has been selected as a Subject Matter Advisor by The Rockefeller 100 Resilient Cities global effort. Her research during her doctoral training, at the internationally recognized Psychology Department of the University of Miami focusing, on stress management and coping, was funded by the National Cancer Institute. While completing her Ph.D., she was honored with every award available to doctoral students in her track, as well as receiving the Phi Lambda Pi University of Miami Female Graduate Student of the Year Award in academic year 2003–2004. In addition to her psychology practice and given her background in business as a marketing and corporate development executive prior to her doctoral studies, Dr. Smith consults with various companies and organizations and deploys to provide psychological support following critical incidents around the world. Since beginning her doctoral studies in 1998 she has also conducted seminars and training at events for numerous organizations nationally and internationally.
Thank you so much for joining us! I’d love to begin by asking you to give us the backstory as to what brought you to this specific career path.
My professional life started out in business following an undergraduate degree in Economics from UCLA, after which I competed for and was selected to participate in a year-long Master’s Fellowship program in Public Policy Analysis with the CORO Foundation in Los Angeles. Following my Master’s Fellowship, I began work in the private sector as an executive in fund raising, marketing, corporate development and public, media and government relations. Eventually I became the Vice President of Marketing and Corporate Development for Shuttle Express International (SEI), the first franchisee of SuperShuttle, the nationwide airport passenger ride share service, which lead to my relocation from Southern California to Miami.
When my work with SEI ended, I began consulting with various organizations in South Florida on marketing-related projects and also began to produce international events. Along the way I also married a somewhat older gentleman, an attorney in the Miami area. Eventually I reached a point where I simultaneously realized I had achieved all of the professional goals I had set for myself and that my (now ex) husband and I would never have children, so I began a self-evaluation process in order to figure out what I wanted to do with the rest of my life. As I went through the process, I realized that I wanted to be of help to others, make a positive impact in the world and that what had always interested me, even in the study of Economics, was learning what motivates people to make the decisions they choose to make. Then I realized that an area of study and work that would incorporate all of those factors was psychology, so I decided to explore it by taking an undergraduate course in Cognitive Psychology. After attending a few class sessions, I told my husband that I felt like I had found the right path to follow and wanted to study for a Master’s degree in counseling. He responded, “I know you and that you will be much happier if you get the terminal degree, a Ph.D.” Indeed, where that part of me was concerned, he did know me! Since my undergraduate degree is not in Psychology I had to fill in undergraduate course work to be considered for acceptance into a doctoral program, so I dedicated myself to completing the undergraduate coursework required and to pursuing acceptance into and completion of a doctoral program in Psychology. After completing the undergraduate coursework and the required graduate entrance exams, I applied to the University of Miami Psychology Department and was one of 15 applicants selected from a pool of hundreds to begin doctoral training in academic year 1998–99.
The journey has been phenomenal, beginning with my graduate advisor, Dr. Charles Carver, one of the top Personality and Social Psychology theorists in the world. Also, I was selected to be part of a research team funded by the National Cancer Institute where we contributed to ground-breaking advances in mind-body research. Following my post-doctoral training I was hired as a consultant to the University of Miami, Miller School of Medicine, Center for Disaster Epidemiology and Emergency Preparedness to collaborate on developing curriculum and help conduct training seminars throughout the State of Florida with the director of the center and the former Assistant Surgeon General of The United States for mental health care, Dr. Brian Flynn, retired Rear Admiral of the Public Health Corps. I also started my private practice during that time and it has grown steadily. Given my combined business background and psychological training and experience, I have also been presented with numerous other opportunities which continue to develop.
Are you working on any exciting new projects now? How do you hope that they might help people along their path to self-understanding or a better sense of wellbeing in their relationships?
Yes, I was recently approached by a well-known businessman and entrepreneur in Miami to produce content for an on-line streaming company he and some of his business associates are launching. One area of content I will produce and host will include increasing well-being through understanding, acceptance and forgiveness of self and others.
Do you have a personal story that you can share with our readers about your struggles or successes along your journey of self-understanding and self-love? Was there ever a tipping point that triggered a change regarding your feelings of self-acceptance?
I am honored to share my own story of reaching a place of self-love and acceptance. First a little more background…I was born and raised in a remote mountain wilderness area of Northeastern Oregon to a working class family. Although we never went without our needs being met, and even though my mother and father were both fairly influential in our community, our somewhat humble financial status and growing up in a rural area both contributed to parts of me feeling unworthy and “less than”, particularly when I moved to a more populated, cosmopolitan part of Oregon and eventually to Los Angeles to complete my undergraduate degree.
I began writing and am now revising before I publish it, my memoir about a year and a half ago. Entitled, “Spirit Bird and Crow: A Memoir of Miracles, Manifestation and Resilience, it tracks the journey of my life from my humble origins to now being an internationally recognized psychologist. As I began writing and reflecting upon my life, I started to see how wonderful, miraculous things happened in spite of my lower sense of self-worth and more limited belief system. People in positions of authority and influence believed in me before I really did and helped advance my educational and work lives. But even though I still didn’t fully value myself and see my full potential I chose to keep pressing forward in spite of a fair degree of anxiety at times about fitting in and being worthy.
Through hard work, applying my abilities and determination, accomplishing many goals and embracing the bigger picture of life I saw as my world expanded, my sophistication and self-confidence increased. But still, the major transition into full self-acceptance, love and a sense of value and self-worth occurred during my recovery from the ugly end of my 18 year marriage and was increased even more during the time of mourning the death of my beloved mother, who lived out the last 6 years of her life with me. Both of those experiences motivated to me choose to transcend my own mistakes and shortcomings as well as the pain of the losses associated with both situations. I acknowledged that I, too, even then a well-trained psychologist, was still human and could learn from accepting my imperfections, forgiving myself and others and working to feel only love and positive energy, toward myself and even toward those I felt had really betrayed me. Embracing a more spiritual existence and dedicating myself to striving to achieve my best and highest self has been a major factor in helping me learn to love and accept myself and others, just as we all are.
According to a recent study cited in Cosmopolitan, in the US, only about 28 percent of men and 26 percent of women are “very satisfied with their appearance.” Could you talk about what some of the causes might be, as well as the consequences?
Mass media has a way of subtly but powerfully instilling a sense of “the perfect look” throughout the population. And social media has opened the door even more for people to personalize, criticize and ridicule self and others who don’t achieve those looks. This is a phenomenon that has always existed but that has become even more influential as technology has advanced. Unfortunately, a large factor influencing acceptance of self and others has to do with appearance, rather than emphasizing character, recognition of the positive aspects of self or others, empathy for self and others, etc. But not everyone does look the same or can capture the same trending looks.
Consequently, many people devalue themselves because they feel dissatisfied with their appearances and may even feel they don’t deserve to be with someone they perceive as better than them, may not have the confidence to step out and work toward what they would really like to be doing in life and may engage in harmful behaviors (e.g., drugs, excessive alcohol use, risky sexual behaviors, victimization of others) in order to try to overcome the feelings of hurt and unworthiness inside. Others may spend money excessively in order to try to buy the “right” clothes, hair styles, jewelry, so that they will feel better about themselves. Still others may become aggressive and critical of others in order to try to see themselves as worthier or superior.
As cheesy as it might sound to truly understand and “love yourself,” can you share with our readers a few reasons why it’s so important?
Self-love, understanding and valuing oneself are important because not doing so creates unconscious motives and behaviors to try to compensate for the lack of self-regard and the stress that it generates. Those motives and behaviors can cause people to unintentionally create or increase difficult life circumstances by acting out their internal pain and lack of self-confidence. Also, it is very difficult to love others when we don’t love ourselves, although many feel they are better at extending compassion, patience, love and understanding to others than to themselves. It is also important to love yourself so that those around us perceive our self-regard, which usually increases others’ respect for us, if we are not arrogant about it.
Why do you think people stay in mediocre relationships? What advice would you give to our readers regarding this?
Most relationships have aspects or go through times that seem mediocre. Relationships, like the rest of life, are not always superb. People may stay because the relationships are familiar or because they accept that no one and no relationship is perfect. Or they may stay because they feel that is what they deserve. Whatever the reason, relationships take work, understanding, patience and dedication from both people. Thus, my advice is not about staying or not staying in mediocre relationships, it is to evaluate your own and your partner’s commitment to working toward developing understanding, acceptance and patience, with regard to your own contribution to the pros and cons of the relationship, as well as your partner’s. Both people should commit to owning their own interpretations of the other’s comments and behaviors, and gently explain to the other, “When you said or did this or that, I interpreted it as meaning xxx.” And the other person should gently and honestly clarify what their intentions were, “I meant this..not that.” This type of discussion should take place without either person casting blame, attacking and reacting defensively and with both people taking full responsibility for their own comments, behaviors, tone of voice, interpretations of the other’s intentions and their reactions to their interpretations. With this type of communication, relationships can transcend mediocracy or even worse!
When we talk about self-love and understanding we don’t necessarily mean blindly loving and accepting ourselves the way we are. Many times self-understanding requires us to reflect and ask ourselves the tough questions, to realize perhaps where we need to make changes in ourselves to be better not only for ourselves but our relationships. What are some of those tough questions that will cut through the safe space of comfort we like to maintain, that our readers might want to ask themselves? Can you share an example of a time that you had to reflect and realize how you needed to make changes?
Some of the tough questions we need to ask ourselves have to do with evaluating our own intentions, as well as reactions to and interpretations of others rather than blaming ourselves or others. To begin with, one must honestly confront why we have chosen to be in a particular relationship or other situation and why we are seeking that, “What was (or am) I really wanting in this relationship/situation and why? What has happened in my past that might be contributing and/or what am I afraid might happen in the future if I am not in this?” It is also critical to acknowledge our own reactivity, what triggers it, and how we behave when we are in a reactionary mode. Reactivity usually includes or leads to some kind of aggression, which only worsens a relationship or other kind of situation. Once we understand how our own reactivity works, we can begin a practice of calming and reducing it, which benefits us on both emotional and physiological levels and benefits our relationship(s). Also, when we really take responsibility for the way we interpret the things others say and do, we begin to see that usually what we are reacting to is our interpretation of an event, which may or may not be accurate. That is what makes it so important to clarify what were the other person’s intentions and meaning of what they said or did. When both people in a relationship take responsibility for their interpretations and reactions, trust and respect for self and one another grows and relationships usually blossom.
Coming out of my 18 year-long marriage, I deepened my introspection and confronted that even though my intentions in arguments my ex and I had were usually just to clearly communicate my concerns and often my frustration at what seemed like him ignoring me, the intensity with which I did so came across as aggression, which probably motivated more of his withdrawal. As I continued to contemplate and take responsibility for my part in what had not worked in our relationship, and as I read more and more spiritually-based writings I began to see that my own reactivity was often very intense, especially if I felt like I was being ignored or what I was saying was being dismissed. I realized it often triggered feelings and interpretations of being abandoned or treated as unworthy, which triggered other reactions that were part of my contribution to the failure of our relationship. Those self-realizations, combined with the dedication to transcend and strive for my greatest and highest self in this life time were what led me to forgive myself, my ex and others in my life and to begin to love and treat myself as the worthy person we are all born to be.
So many don’t really know how to be alone, or are afraid of it. How important is it for us to have, and practice, that capacity to truly be with ourselves and be alone (literally or metaphorically)?
It is very important for each of us to literally spend time alone in order to introspect and truly get to know, accept and learn to trust our own ability to care for ourselves. That doesn’t mean we have to isolate ourselves from everyone all of the time, in fact being around others and sharing support is also very important. But to really find peace and self-acceptance, we need time alone to practice calming our reactivity, engage in honest but non-judgmental introspection, and learn to quiet and love ourselves, independent of how others perceive and treat us. If we find ourselves alone and feeling lonely when we would really rather be in a relationship, it is very important to not internalize that as rejection or unworthiness. Instead, embrace it as an opportunity to develop the capacity to be with yourself, find peace through self-love, forgiveness and acceptance, and engage in the things that bring pleasure and fulfillment in your life.
How does achieving a certain level of self-understanding and self-love then affect your ability to connect with and deepen your relationships with others?
Once we understand, forgive and accept our own humanness and flaws, acknowledge all of the positive aspects of ourselves and truly love ourselves, we are more capable of seeing the good in others as well as extending deeper understanding, forgiveness, acceptance and love to them, too.
In your experience, what should a) individuals and b) society, do to help people better understand themselves and accept themselves?
Both individuals and society should stop criticizing others for being “different”, whether personality-wise, culturally, in terms of physical appearance, with regard to priorities, or in any other way. Everyone is unique and if all of humanity would accept that and stop reacting to differences, trying to change others and coerce them into being of like mind, we would make huge advances toward living in peace, as individuals, societies and a global species. If peace were to become the guiding principal and goal of individuals and societies, and instead we reassured one another that we are all here to make our own unique contributions to the world, self-acceptance would also be likely to eventually become the norm.
What are 5 strategies that you implement to maintain your connection with and love for yourself, that our readers might learn from? Could you please give a story or example for each?
Honest introspection — Which includes acknowledging that I am human and still make mistakes at times, but also remembering the good I have done and continue to do while simultaneously understanding and forgiving the mistakes I have made. For example, following the break-up of my marriage, it was tempting to just focus on what I then deemed as the negative or difficult aspects of my ex. But when I realized I was headed down that path, I eventually stopped myself and instead acknowledged my own contributions to the failure of our marriage. I then dug deeper in order to understand what had motivated my decisions and behaviors and came to understand that in large part I had been reacting to certain perceptions and interpretations of some of his behaviors. I further came to understand that some residual of my own sense of lower self-worth influenced many of my interpretations and reactions and dedicated myself to self-healing. I then became able to forgive and love myself.
Not depending on how others treat me to feel self-value and love — By combining honest introspection with a commitment to honesty with others, I have found that rather than hold back my feelings, thoughts, or truths about my life situation to those I am becoming close with, if I gently express them and explain my motive(s) for doing so, no matter how the other person responds, I know I have done my best to allow myself and the relationship to grow. And I know that my motives and my words have been genuine, therefore I can continue to respect, value and love myself. If it is just a matter of confronting some aspect of myself, to and for myself, I approach that with the same openness, gentleness and compassion as I strive to do with others, rather than self-recrimination and criticism.
Observing, rather than getting caught up in, waves of reaction, fear, self-doubt or self-criticism when they pass through me — I saw Oprah interview Michael Singer, author of “The Untethered Soul,” during a critical time in my divorce proceedings. The part of his amazing insights that really resonated with me had to do with not allowing what he referred to as “the ego self” to get tangled up with thoughts, feelings, reactions, etc. that can bring us down. Instead, he recommended leaning back into the wise, conscious part of ourselves and observing those things as waves of energy passing through us, rather than allowing them to define or control us. He was correct in referring to them as waves because, indeed, thoughts, memories, feelings and reactions really are, on a reductionist level, nothing more than electro-chemical waves passing through our neuro-circuitry. He went on to wisely and profoundly point out that one cannot be the observer and the observed at the same time. Thus, if we observe the waves passing through us, just as we would observe waves on the ocean, the impact of them on us begins to subside. We cannot be the observer of them and out in the middle of them at the same time. His words and Oprah’s insightful questions and commentary spoke volumes to me and I began immediately recognizing the difficult feelings and thoughts I was experiencing as waves passing through me. I added to my internal dialogue, that just like any other wave, they would reach their crest and then subside, returning to the peaceful shore, as long as I didn’t continue to splash around in them or try to push them away and give them energy. The approach worked phenomenally well and has been so incredibly helpful to me going through many different difficult times. I have also shared it with numerous patients who have also found it immensely helpful in healing from whatever hurt or difficult experience they are struggling with and in learning to love and respect themselves.
Meditation — I began practicing Vinyasa yoga many years ago and about 10 years into it also began practicing Kundalini yoga, which is deeply rooted in alignment of the physical, psychological and spiritual selves through calming and dedicated meditations. Also, a major part of the intervention my research team and I did with cancer patients in the doctoral research I was involved with included teaching our participants calming and relaxation techniques, including meditation. The more I have practiced it,the more I have learned to love, care for and respect myself. Finding that place of peace and calm that is inside of each of us, just waiting for us to access it, enables us to hear and listen to the wise, higher being inside of each of us and to love ourselves. I practice it daily in order to keep myself centered, focused, compassionate with myself and others, and committed to continuing my journey of transcendence in order to fulfill my purpose(s) in this existence, which I have come to realize are to help bring light, healing, hope, love, and peace to all.
Embracing my Spirituality — This is not just a strategy to maintain my connection with and love for myself; those things have been an outgrowth of my commitment to explore and live a spiritual life. When I truly came to understand and embrace that we are all spiritual beings living in a human, physical form, all other strategies and efforts I was employing to maintain and practice consistent respect and love for myself and others were magnified in their impact. Also, since doing so, the miraculous events in my life have increased exponentially and I can see how everything that happened to me before, difficult and challenging, or flowing with ease, and every decision I have made, seemingly “bad” or “good”, have contributed to me reaching a point where I not only love and respect myself, but have also empowered myself to reach my highest and best potential in every way.
What are your favorite books, podcasts, or resources for self-psychology, intimacy, or relationships? What do you love about each one and how does it resonate with you?
Books —
The Untethered Soul (Author — Michael Singer)
The Power of Kaballah (Author — Yehuda Berg)
The Novice (Author — Thich Nhat Hahn)
Monthly meditation/contemplations booklet from Science of Mind —
The Guide for Spiritual Living
Podcast —
Edge of the Unknown (Host — Mark Henry)
All of these resources, each in its own way, can help us to examine, accept and love ourselves as human, but at the same time connect with our higher selves. Each of the books and The Guide for Spiritual Living all contain vital information and insights into managing our thoughts, reducing their negativity, calming our fears, reactivity and self-doubt. Certain aspects of each can be applied to intimate and our other types of relationships and interactions with others, as well. Mark Henry’s podcast, on which I was interviewed in May of 2018 for a show called “Divine Synchronicities”, is a powerful tool for opening ourselves to consider the unseen and unknown by listening to the true stories/experiences shared by his guests.
You are a person of great influence. If you could inspire a movement that would bring the most amount of good to the most amount of people, what would that be? Maybe we’ll inspire our readers to start it…
The movement I would inspire is for all of humanity to forgive self and one another in order to create a peaceful existence and raise the vibration of the energy we create on this planet by embracing our spirituality and spreading love. Each of us may have our own way of doing that, our own belief system, but most, if not all belief systems have aspects that promote and support love, acceptance of, and being kind to ourselves and others.
Can you please give us your favorite “Life Lesson Quote” that you use to guide yourself by? Can you share how that was relevant to you in your life and how our readers might learn to live by it in theirs?
I don’t really have a favorite “Life Lesson Quote.” I’ve been granted insight and inspired by various quotes and sayings at various times in my life. But I would like to share an approach I believe will help people live their lives to the fullest, embracing love of self and others, “Stop, breathe deeply, look inside, notice and be appreciative of the good in you. Share your goodness and positivity with all others, without expectation or judgment.”
Thank you so much for your time and for your inspiring insights!
Thank you for the opportunity to participate in this incredibly important, powerful series!
People need to be educated on what challenges and dangers come with poor mental health. Just like physical and medical conditions like smoking, cancer, and proper diet, there needs to be social messages on how to promote your mental health and why it is important. Education is the first step toward acceptance, and the more people understand the more comfortable they feel with accepting other people’s challenges and their own challenges.
I had the pleasure to interview GinaMarie Guarino, a licensed mental health counselor. She has made it her mission to not only help people in need, but also spread awareness about mental health through means of internet blogs and her website, www.psychpoint.com. GinaMarie has made it her initiative to provide support to both people who are seeking mental wellness and mental health professionals, as so much is expected of them without full understanding of the stress and challenges that come with promoting the mental health of so many people.
Thank you so much for joining us! Can you tell us the “backstory” about what brought you to this specific career path?
I was brought to this career path because I was fascinated by the field of psychology and mental illness. So much affects how we go about our day, and most of it is influenced by things we don’t even realize!
When I started practicing, I was surprised by the emotional and mental stress helping so many people with their mental health affected my own mental health. Being a mental health professional is so rewarding, but also quite demanding. Because of this, I wanted to create a space where both people who want to improve their mental health and mental health professionals can feel supported.
According to Mental Health America’s report, over 44 million Americans have a mental health condition. Yet there’s still a stigma about mental illness. Can you share a few reasons you think this is so?
I think a major reason why there is still a stigma is simply because there is a lack of understanding of how mental health affects overall health. Everyone is influenced by different forces throughout the day, and only quite recently we are beginning to realize the depth and length in which mental illness is affecting people.
Fortunately, as awareness is spread the stigma is beginning to diminish- slowly but surely! That is what motivates me and PsychPoint to continue to spread awareness about mental health. The more we understand, the less we stigmatize!
Can you tell our readers about how you are helping to de-stigmatize the focus on mental wellness?
PsychPoint aims to de-stigmatize mental health issues by making content easy to understand and relatable to as many people as possible. We provide supportive worksheets to mental health professionals, to help them help their clients understand how their mental health issues affect them, and how they are not powerless in life. articles and explanations of mental health conditions in simple terms, and provide tips and suggestions to promote mental health, regardless of your struggle. We also provide articles and explanations of mental health conditions in simple terms, and provide tips and suggestions to promote mental health, regardless of your struggle.
Was there a story behind why you decided to launch this initiative?
I decided to launch my initiative when I realized how often I heard “I don’t know how you do it- sit there all day and listen to people’s problems”. I didn’t like how this was people’s understanding of what I do. I am not only a soundboard, I am a guide to help people grow and become stronger. Mental strength is important, and a therapist’s job goes far beyond a simple conversation once a week.
As a mental health professional, I make it my mission to help people find inner peace. Finding that peace can be a challenge when they feel like they are damaged. That’s when I realized that in order to further promote the health of my clients, I need to help spread awareness about how therapy is a good thing, and how it is okay to not be okay.
In your experience, what should a) individuals b) society, and c) the government do to better support people suffering from mental illness?
People need to be educated on what challenges and dangers come with poor mental health. Just like physical and medical conditions like smoking, cancer, and proper diet, there needs to be social messages on how to promote your mental health and why it is important. Education is the first step toward acceptance, and the more people understand the more comfortable they feel with accepting other people’s challenges and their own challenges.
What are your 6 strategies you use to promote your own wellbeing and mental wellness? Can you please give a story or example for each?
My 6 strategies to promote my own wellbeing and mental wellness include:
1. Proper diet. I find that certain foods and not drinking enough water can cause me to suffer from anxiety and a depressed mood, just like it does most people! I make sure I drink plenty of water, limit my sugar intake, and keep a balanced diet of protein, fruits and vegetables.
2. Regular exercise. I make sure I go to the gym regularly. Endorphins do wonders for boosting mood, and the physical activity is a great way for me to relieve stress after a long day.
3. Spend time outside. Staying indoors all the time tends to make me feel down and stressed, so I make sure I take at least one 15-minute walk outside each day!
4. Practice deep breathing exercises. Research supports that deep breathing promotes mental wellness by reducing stress and anxiety. Especially if I feel myself getting overwhelmed at work, I will take 3 deep breaths and remind myself that everything is okay and I am well. It helps keep my stress levels manageable.
5. Spend time doing things I love. My hobbies are so important to me! My hobbies make me happy, and give me a break from thinking about work. Taking a mental break from work helps me stay grounded, and provides balance that helps me not burn out while at work.
6. Spend time with family and friends. Socializing is so important for mental health and wellness. Spending time with my family and friends helps me because it makes me happy and helps me feel supported.
What are your favorite books, podcasts, or resources that inspire you to be a mental health champion?
I am an avid reader of Thich Nhat Hanh. I appreciate his perspective of approaching mindfulness and mental health. His reading is simple and relatable, and I often share excerpts of his work and titles of his books with my clients.
Thank you so much for these insights! This was so inspiring!
“I would like to see a greater appreciation of diversity that sincerely values the gifts of different experiences and world-views.” with Rachel S. Heslin and Fotis Georgiadis
On a societal level, I would like to see a greater appreciation of diversity that sincerely values the gifts of different experiences and world-views. We all contribute to the richness of the human tapestry, and devaluation of any of the threads lessens the vibrance of the pattern as a whole.
I had the pleasure to interview Rachel S. Heslin, author of Navigating Life: 8 Different Strategies to Guide Your Way. She has been immersed in the study of human psychology for over 35 years, and her work through her company, The Fullness of Your Power, helps people embrace all parts of themselves so they can live deeper, richer, and more fulfilling lives.
Thank you so much for joining us! I’d love to begin by asking you to give us the backstory as to what brought you to this specific career path.
My father is a clinical psychologist. As he learned new theories and techniques, he didn’t just try them out on me and my brother, but he also explained them and taught us how to incorporate them into our lives. Because of this, I’ve always been fascinated by why people do the things that they do. It’s only been fairly recently that I realized this was my calling. In fact, for a while, I was trying to develop a career as a website designer! In that role, I especially loved helping people who weren’t comfortable with technology learn how to incorporate websites into their business outreach. However, I soon discovered that my true passion wasn’t websites, but in helping people become more comfortable with themselves. Thus The Fullness of Your Power was born.
Are you working on any exciting new projects now? How do you hope that they might help people along their path to self-understanding or a better sense of wellbeing in their relationships?
The project I’m most excited about right now is my Handbooks for Healing trilogy. The first book, Rituals of Release: How to Make Room for Your New Life, explores the importance of honoring and releasing old thoughts, feelings, choices and experiences that no longer serve you in order to prepare you for what lies ahead. It introduces the concept of creating “containers” for dealing with intense emotions through the development of personal rituals. The other books in the series are Deeper Sorrow, Greater Joy: Receiving the Gift of Grief and Permission to Go On: The Power of Self-Forgiveness. Life is full of change, and even “good” change can bring a sense of anxiety or loss. Together, I hope that these three guides can provide tools and perspectives to help people deal with challenging transitions so that they can live their lives with a greater sense of ease and flow.
Do you have a personal story that you can share with our readers about your struggles or successes along your journey of self-understanding and self-love? Was there ever a tipping point that triggered a change regarding your feelings of self acceptance?
As a child, I was considered precocious. I was very intuitive and had a large vocabulary at a young age. Unfortunately, this led a lot of people to think that I knew more than I actually did. The reason this was a problem is because part of the way that we discover who we are is through interactions with other people. Because people acted as though I knew more than I did, I thought that I was supposed to know more than I did. In order to hide the awful fact that I didn’t know everything, I learned how to pretend. I poured waaaaaay too much energy into developing a façade of confidence, but I was terrified of people discovering the “truth” about my inadequacies.
Although I worked through some of my fears, it wasn’t until I came across Carol Dweck’s work on Fixed versus Growth Mindsets that I finally understood what was going on with me. In a nutshell, people who have a primarily Fixed Mindset believe that who they are, including their talents and abilities, is, well, fixed. It can’t be changed. Therefore, if you fail at a task or don’t live up to expectations, there’s nothing you can do about it except try to shift the blame somewhere else or hide the fact that you can’t cut it. In fact, with a Fixed Mindset, it can feel shameful to ask for help.
In contrast, a Growth Mindset believes that the more you focus your attention and efforts, the more you become capable of doing. This idea changed my world. Discovering that it’s okay to admit that I don’t know everything lifted a tremendous weight off my shoulders. I could finally breathe again. Since then, while I’ve still done things I regret, it is so much easier to transform mistakes and failures into learning experiences. I have a great deal more compassion for myself and my experiences, and it keeps getting better.
According to a recent study cited in Cosmopolitan, in the US, only about 28 percent of men and 26 percent of women are “very satisfied with their appearance.” Could you talk about what some of the causes might be, as well as the consequences?
I confess that this isn’t my area of expertise. When I was at university, my weight yo-yo’d up and down like it does for so many people, especially women. Then, in my early 20s, I shifted my perspective from paying attention to what my body looked like and started focusing on what it could do. I try to nurture a partnership with my body, appreciating the way it supports me and listening to how it wants me to nourish it with food and movement. This partnership results in a healthier, stronger body that I love to live in.
As cheesy as it might sound to truly understand and “love yourself,” can you share with our readers a few reasons why it’s so important?
If you don’t understand and accept yourself, you can’t really be yourself, which robs the world of the unique contribution that only you can make. As I learned, putting time and energy into berating yourself or trying to cover up your “faults” takes away from living and growing. Let’s face it: none of us are able to be our Best Selves 100% of the time. However, we can move towards becoming that person. The more compassion we are able to give ourselves, the easier it becomes to immerse ourselves in the beautiful dance of Life.
Why do you think people stay in mediocre relationships? What advice would you give to our readers regarding this?
It’s almost cliché to talk about being afraid of being alone, but a lot times, it’s actually a fear of what we think it means to not be in a relationship. Our culture seems to promote the idea of “romantic relationship as validation.” In other words, the purpose of a relationship is to prove that someone else thinks I’m worthwhile. Therefore, if I don’t have a significant other, then something is wrong with me.
Of course, this is silly. Pop music and the Disney versions of Beauty and the Beast notwithstanding, love is NOT an indication of worth. It’s something to be shared freely and unconditionally.
Another reason why some people stay in mediocre relationship is because they don’t want to be seen as a failure, unable to commit or tough it out. They don’t realize that they deserve better. The truth is that, regardless of the fact that yes, deep relationships do take work, the purpose of a relationship is to love and support one another. If you’re spending all your time trying to “work things out,” maybe it’s not the right relationship.
When we talk about self-love and understanding we don’t necessarily mean blindly loving and accepting ourselves the way we are. Many times self-understanding requires us to reflect and ask ourselves the tough questions, to realize perhaps where we need to make changes in ourselves to be better not only for ourselves but our relationships. What are some of those tough questions that will cut through the safe space of comfort we like to maintain, that our readers might want to ask themselves? Can you share an example of a time that you had to reflect and realize how you needed to make changes?
Whenever I find myself trying to blame someone or something else for a situation I don’t like, it’s an avoidance of responsibility. Regardless of whether or not my observations about things outside my control are true, by focusing on them, I’m diverting attention from what I can control. The question that forces me to be honest with myself is: “Am I doing absolutely everything I can to move myself in the direction I want to go?” More often than I’d like to admit, the answer is, “No.” I’ve come to recognize that a reluctance to go all in has been attached to that Fixed Mindset: if I give 100% and fail, then I was afraid that would mean that there was something inherently wrong with me. If I don’t fully commit and fail, then I avoid “proving” that I was broken because I wasn’t really trying.
Needless to say, this isn’t a terribly efficient way to create a vibrant and meaningful life. More and more, when I run into that old pattern and admit that I am not doing everything I can to move myself forward, I then ask, “What else could I be doing?” This open-ended question activates the part of my brain that loves solving puzzles. If I just let the question simmer, my mind will start filling with ideas of actions I can take to move towards my goals.
So many don’t really know how to be alone, or are afraid of it. How important is it for us to have, and practice, that capacity to truly be with ourselves and be alone (literally or metaphorically)?
It’s crucial. It’s about honesty and acceptance. We have all these judgments about who we think we’re supposed to be, and being alone makes it harder to hide from or ignore our awareness about all the ways we fall short of those expectations.
The thing is, if we don’t cultivate that awareness, it’s a lot harder to do anything about it. We can learn and grow and become more of the person who we want to be, but not if we pretend there’s nothing to change.
How does achieving a certain level of self-understanding and self-love then affect your ability to connect with and deepen your relationships with others?
If you are comfortable with who you are, you’re less likely to try to make someone else responsible for your insecurities. This is especially important because, if you don’t accept yourself, regardless of how much someone else tries to lift you up, there will always be a part of you that discounts their praise, a part that thinks, “If you really knew me, you wouldn’t think that.”
Conversely, self-understanding and self-love give you a solid foundation to share with others from a space of healthy, loving, and mutually supportive partnership.
In your experience, what should a) individuals and b) society, do to help people better understand themselves and accept themselves?
I think one of the most useful things that we can do is recognize that who you are is not dependent upon the opinions of others. Because human beings rely on each other in order to survive, we’ve evolved empathic tendencies to conform to the expectations of those around us. While this can be useful — after all, we do benefit from playing nicely with others — it becomes a problem when we believe that we require other people to agree with us in order for our experience to be valid.
On a societal level, I would like to see a greater appreciation of diversity that sincerely values the gifts of different experiences and world-views. We all contribute to the richness of the human tapestry, and devaluation of any of the threads lessens the vibrance of the pattern as a whole.
What are 5 strategies that you implement to maintain your connection with and love for yourself, that our readers might learn from? Could you please give a story or example for each?
Meditatation and mindfulness I like to start my days by going for walks and meditating, reconnecting with my heart and nature and a sense of wonder and gratitude for that which is eternal. This helps clear out the stories and static in my head, setting a foundation for greater connection, love, and Flow throughout the day. I also play on the swings, because we can all use more play in our lives!
Forgiveness It’s been said that carrying a grudge is like “drinking poison and hoping the other person dies,” but when it comes to loving yourself, there are two ways in which it is far more important than that.
For one, I’ve found that condemnation of others usually carries with it a shadow that reflects upon myself. A lot of the time, the reason why things that bother or upset me about others affect me so strongly is because they are mirroring back things I don’t like about myself. Even if I point at others to say, “This action is unforgivable,” if I’ve have done similar things, it reinforces a subconscious fear that I am unforgivable. The flip side of this is, if I use the trigger of blame to be honest with myself, it becomes easier to forgive others.
The other way that forgiveness impacts our ability to love ourselves is when we think that forgiving the other person means that we deserve to have had awful things happen to us. Like the idea of love being about validation, this is another one of those beliefs that, although far too common, is untrue. None of us deserve to be treated badly or betrayed. Becoming aware of and acknowledging those fears about yourself is the first step towards healing them.
Self-Forgiveness. Forgiveness of others is about acknowledgement and acceptance. However, in order for self-forgiveness to be effective, we need to actually change. Interestingly enough, it was far easier for me to forgive others than to forgive myself. I could tell myself that they didn’t know any better, but I always knew when I had missed the mark of my intentions. Coulda Shoulda Wouldas drain the soul. I needed to acknowledge those I’d hurt, do my best to make amends, and learn from the experience to do better in the future. No, it’s not easy, but it is a crucial step in accepting the messy parts of our humanity in a way that helps us continue to grow and become the people we want to be.
“Give what appears missing” This concept had a profound impact on my life. One of my mentors, Derek Rydall, observed that, if you feel like you are lacking a specific quality in your life, by actively seeking to give that quality to others, you become filled with it in turn. For example, if you feel like you’re not getting enough love, by setting the intention to be more loving, it opens your heart to feel more love. Almost as a side effect, it also becomes easier for others to love you as well.
Consider possibilities The human mind is really good at finding problems and coming up with reasons why dreams aren’t realistic. I side-step arguing with myself by simply asking, “What if…?” That way, when I’m creating visions of what I’d love to unfold in my life and that little voice starts trying to convince me that it would never happen, I can respond, “Maybe it won’t, but what if it does? Wouldn’t that be amazing? What else might be possible…?”
What are your favorite books, podcasts, or resources for self-psychology, intimacy, or relationships? What do you love about each one and how does it resonate with you?
Emergence by Derek Rydall is both a book (https://amzn.to/2X4SgPQ) and podcast (https://derekrydall.com/category/podcast/). I love Derek’s work and, as I mentioned above, consider him one of my mentors. His philosophy is very similar to mine in that we both believe that we have everything we ever wanted to be already inside us, and all we need to do is find ways to allow and encourage it to emerge into the world.
You are a person of great influence. If you could inspire a movement that would bring the most amount of good to the most amount of people, what would that be? Maybe we’ll inspire our readers to start it…
● Be a little bit kinder than you need to be.
● Be a little bit more generous than you need to be.
● Give others the benefit of the doubt.
● Look for ways to create ripples of love, acceptance, and inspiration in those whose lives you touch, however briefly that connection may last.
Can you please give us your favorite “Life Lesson Quote” that you use to guide yourself by? Can you share how that was relevant to you in your life and how our readers might learn to live by it in theirs?
Most of the major religions have some version of The Golden Rule which, in its essence, is, “Don’t be a jerk.” The one that resonates with me most is Hillel’s iteration: “Do not unto others that which is hateful to yourself.” If someone treats you poorly, it’s easy to react in kind (or in unkind, as the case may be.) However, I’ve found that it’s my own response that determines my experience. If I become defensive or accusatory, the lack of alignment with my ideals twists me up inside.
This quote reminds me to step back, breathe, and ask myself, “Is this how I would like others to act towards me? If not, how can I choose to give more respect, compassion, understanding, and support?” As soon as I shift towards love and acceptance, my tension evaporates, and I am at peace with who I am.
Thank you so much for your time and for your inspiring insights!
“It’s a constant struggle to find the balance between work and personal life and there’s no “right” or “perfect” way to do it.” with Beth Warren and Fotis Georgiadis
It’s a constant struggle to find the balance between work and personal life and there’s no “right” or “perfect” way to do it. You are often restructuring what you take on to make sure you leave time and attention for the other priorities in your life. I try to lead my decisions for what I take on with what fulfills me both personally and professionally and then I’m able to find the time to balance. But if it’s something that brings me a lot of angst or doesn’t feel right to do, I’ve learned to say “No,” as hard as it is!
I had the pleasure of interviewing Beth Warren, MS, RDN, CDN, a nationally recognized dietitican-nutritionist, founder of Beth Warren Nutrition and author of Secrets of a Kosher Girl. She’s got three thriving private practices in NYC. Beth’s recipes are unbelievably great, she’s known for healthy versions of foods we love without compromising taste. Beth is also the mother of five children and balances her home/work life beautifully.
Thank you so much for doing this with us! What is your “backstory”?
In my mid-twenties, while working in a marketing role at a big financial company, I couldn’t help but feel like something was missing. I wanted to use the areas I love, food and helping people, to reach others in a way that makes their lives better.
Remembering how much I enjoyed a nutrition elective I took as a college student, I realized I could pave a path towards a career as a dietitian while keeping my growing family life a priority. I worked hard to receive a post-baccalaureate masters degree in nutrition and a registered dietitian-nutritionist certification.
I knew right away that I wanted a private practice. Seven years and five kids later, I never could have imagined my business, Beth Warren Nutrition (BWN).
I figured out how to incorporate my upbringing with a nutritionally-balanced whole foods plan that curbed cravings and kept me full and satisfied while living my busy life. I use the same principles with my clients of various backgrounds and ethnicities. I can see how successful these principles are, affecting their weight and overall well-being.
Aside from finding a career that met my goal of achieving a work-life balance, I was excited to discover it was also an area that I could explore other passions: my love of public speaking through media work and workshops, my love of writing (my second book, Secrets of a Kosher Girl is out now) and my love of cooking through demos.
I admit that I don’t always have it together, no matter how seamless it may look from the outside. I face obstacles each day as I juggle family and work life. I may not always get it right, but I feel I’m doing what I’m meant to be doing.
Can you share the funniest or most interesting story that happened to you since you began leading your company?
What’s most interesting to me is all the different people that I get to meet, over 100, and seeing and learning their different lifestyles, backgrounds and personalities. Some of them are really funny and entertaining and I love each one! I discovered how much you can learn from someone else. Often times people thank me for helping them, but I learn from them too!
What was your biggest challenge to date either personally or professionally and how did you overcome it?
It’s always when it comes to juggling when things come up for the kids at school with my work schedule. The hardest is when these things come up at the last minute. I was asked to be on TV when it was my son’s school play and to travel on a major media trip overseas that would fall out on my daughter’s performance. Those were both tough calls to make as I literally move mountains to be there for my kids. But there are those times that if I can make it work out and the work option is important to do for many reasons, I make sure the right parameters are in place to make it happen. First, I have to set up a strong support system and I thankfully have a lot of close family members nearby to attend. Then, I sit down with that child and have a discussion to see how they feel about me missing the show, both in their body language and words. Finally, thanks to current technology, I’m able to scope out the moments no matter the situation or time difference, to watch live via FaceTime and talk to my child about it right after. Plus, we record it. These situations are never ideal nor would I be able to miss out for my children often, but it’s all about the balance and making the right call, for the right moment, and what’s right for that child. Thankfully, on the few occasions this has happened, it all worked out.
What does leadership mean to you and how do you best inspire others to lead?
Leadership means guiding by example and allowing others to learn from your actions, not just your words. It’s being consistent and clear, with an ability to let-go and delegate to others. It’s about empowering others by acting as an inspiration for them so that they want to follow you, and not feel like it’s because they need to follow you.
None of us are able to achieve success without some help along the way. Is there a particular person who you are grateful towards who helped get you to where you are? Can you share a story?
There are many people to credit for where I am today. It’s impossible to raise a family of 5 and run a growing practice with multiple staff and locations without help. My husband and I shift schedules when something with the kids or our own work schedules pops up. Plus, the team at BWN, and my assistant Sarah Kassin has always been my number one supporter, dealing with all my transitions on a day-to-day basis or my last minute needs, from having to input breastfeeding times in my calendar, to last minute changes from a school play I had to attend, or my media appearances that would get booked on top of client days. It’s a team like the one I have at Beth Warren Nutrition that helps me get it all in. There is no way I could do this completely on my own to the extent that I am doing it without them.
Was it difficult to fit your life into your business/career and how did you do that?
I went into the field of nutrition knowing that I wanted a private practice to balance out my family life. Little did I know that becoming an entrepreneur, which is really what running your own business is, demands more time and juggling than a 9–5 pm job! But the effort is more rewarding because it not only impacts peoples’ live and allows you to establish a true relationship with each client in this type of setting, but it is a business built entirely by you and for you, making it all worth it.
Did you find that as your success grew it became more difficult to focus on the other areas of your life?
It’s a constant struggle to find the balance between work and personal life and there’s no “right” or “perfect” way to do it. You are often restructuring what you take on to make sure you leave time and attention for the other priorities in your life. I try to lead my decisions for what I take on with what fulfills me both personally and professionally and then I’m able to find the time to balance. But if it’s something that brings me a lot of angst or doesn’t feel right to do, I’ve learned to say “No,” as hard as it is!
Can you share five pieces of advice to other leaders about how to achieve the best balance between work and personal life?
1. Do what you love to do or it’s hard to provide yourself with the reasoning to push through the inevitable obstacles.
2. Know your worth and the value in that for yourself and others. This will help lead you to deciding what is meaningful to fit into your life amongst your other priorities and what is not.
3. Go with your gut. If something doesn’t feel right, it probably isn’t and you most likely will regret doing it. Trust your intuition, it got you here in the first place.
4. Always put your family first, at the end of the day, that is what is most important. Everything comes back to the home.
5. Make sure you leave time for self-care. You can get pulled in a million directions, but if you don’t leave time for you, even a few minutes per day, you won’t be as productive, focused or fulfilled.
What gives you the greatest sense of accomplishment and pride?
Being able to have an impact on people’s lives for the better! It’s such a pleasure to be not only trusted into a person’s life, but that I had even just a little to do with a positive for their mind and body.
You are a person of great influence. If you could inspire a movement that would bring the most amount of good to the most amount of people, what would that be? You never know what your idea can trigger. 🙂
I am a big fan of running wellness retreats. To take people out of their environment for hours, days or weeks, to focus on all aspects of wellness to improve their well being, mind, body and soul. I am able to impact more people at once, which also translates to group support and bonding, and hit the various lifestyle factors at once. From physical activity, to self-care, cooking demonstrations and classes, mindful eating workshops, and planned whole food menus (with the occasional treats!), I can have so much more of a lasting impact, in a shorter period of time, to more people. If I could somehow make an entire “BWN Retreat Movement: Mind, Body and Soul” for the public, I would target my influence towards this initiative!
What is the best way for people to connect with you on social media?
Women in STEM: “Successful leaders are those who inspire and influence people to take positive actions.” with Jonha Richman and Fotis Georgiadis
Leadership is one’s ability to turn visions into actions, inspirations into concrete sets of executions. Successful leaders are those who inspire and influence people to take positive actions.
I had the pleasure of interviewing Jonha Richman who has over a decade of partnerships and PR experience working with global innovative tech and Blockchain firms helping them scale their global marketing operations. She is also a venture partner at JJRichman, a private investment fund investing in diversified assets around the globe including real estate, cryptocurrencies, stock market, among others.
Thank you so much for doing this with us! What is your “backstory”?
I started working at the age 17 where I juggled between studies and work. Such experience earlier on in my life has helped me appreciate the importance of hard work and persistence.
I then found my calling in public relations and partnerships as I’ve worked with traditional advertising companies with digital transformation campaigns and influencer marketing. I’ve worked on global marketing and partnerships campaigns for the US, Europe, and Asia.
While most of the companies I work with currently tap into my expertise and network in the media and PR industries, I also advice companies in business development & partnerships.
I’ve helped put together the strategy and implementation that helped achieve having IKEA reach 35,000 stories written about the brand and reach 3.7 million in a span of 9 days in Singapore and Malaysia.
I’ve also advised Athena Network on Twitter engagement strategy that won the Diageo contest — a $10 million strategy to empower 2 million women in the Asia Pacific in 2017. The strategy resulted in the campaign reaching an audience of 4.18 million in Southeast Asia (SEA).
I currently work with hyper-growth tech and Blockchain firms in scaling their global operations.
Can you share the funniest or most interesting story that happened to you since you began leading your company?
I work with cross-functional and globally distributed teams and companies so the challenge does not only lie on the fact that I have to lead people of different personalities but also different cultures and different time zones.
I enjoy learning about the psychology behind people’s behaviour. This has allowed me to expand my understanding of what motivates people to do certain things at certain periods of time.
This has also helped me to better assemble and empower people I lead them. I subscribe to the idea of putting ‘aces on their best places’.
What does leadership mean to you and how do you best inspire others to lead?
Leadership is one’s ability to turn visions into actions, inspirations into concrete set of executions.
Successful leaders are those who inspire and influence people to take positive actions.
None of us are able to achieve success without some help along the way. Is there a particular person who you are grateful towards who helped get you to where you are? Can you share a story?
I have two great mentors:
My mum — who believed in me before anyone else did.
My grade school teacher — who told me that I would never amount to anything.
I dedicate all my successes towards proving the former that she is right and that the latter is wrong.
Was it difficult to fit your life into your business/career and how did you do that?
Most people live their adult lives living someone else’s life and making other people’s dreams come true. As soon as such realisation hit me, I refused to dance to the same tune.
It’s tough at first. However, the key is finding the intersection between the things you’re naturally good at, and what other people are willing to pay for.
Did you find that as your success grew it became more difficult to focus on the other areas of your life?
As I have been trained by life earlier on to do both equally important and impactful activities such as studying and working at the same time, I find such training to be crucial as I strive to advance both my personal and professional developments.
While it’s still challenging at times, I simply look back at the younger, hungrier, and a lot less privileged version of myself. Then the task at hand tends to become a lot more bearable and the lofty goals become more achievable.
Sometimes all it takes is to be reminded that all the seemingly difficult things in front of us become smaller and easier to tackle compared to the grand scheme of things.
Can you share five pieces of advice to other leaders about how to achieve the best balance between work and personal life?
You don’t have to choose just one. You can succeed both personally and professionally. The answers are just not as obvious.
Strive to live each day until you find the balance and intersection between your goals.
Take necessary breaks to recharge and refocus. But, don’t you ever stop.
List the things you want to achieve on the left corner. Compare that with your daily activities on the right. You will soon realize that you spend most of your times on activities that don’t necessarily bring you towards the reality of the items on the left.
Learn to let go of things, emotions, and people who can’t help you achieve the best version of you. You owe that to yourself.
What gives you the greatest sense of accomplishment and pride?
Success is relative for most people. For some, it’s about battling the inner demons that constantly try to distract us from achieving our goals.
For others, it’s closing that much-coveted sale. For me, whenever I’m able to connect two talented people to reach a common goal — that for me is the epitome of collaboration and success.
You are a person of great influence. If you could inspire a movement that would bring the most amount of good to the most amount of people, what would that be? You never know what your idea can trigger. 🙂
I would encourage more people to explore the things that they are naturally good at.
Then find people who could help them improve or complement the things that they seem to lack in. That way, we will not walk about in life thinking we’re never enough.
By finding people who can help you at things you don’t necessarily excel in, you can focus on developing and strengthening key areas that come naturally to you.
What is the best way for people to connect with you on social media?
Lenovo’s Joseph Mingori: “A meeting of technology and working cultural changes is enabling transformations in smarter workspaces”
By leveraging the next wave of smart office technology, enterprises can design a workplace for agility, creativity and greater employee engagement. These workplaces will start turning their attention to the concept of transitional, mobile engagement and spaces that foster greater collaboration and human connection.
…It’s harder to identify clear tipping points in smart office technology, but it’s a meeting of technologies and working cultural changes that are enabling transformations in smarter workspaces with fast connectivity, more intelligent devices and software as well as greater expectations of individuals for “things” to actually work, wherever they are.
I had the pleasure of interviewing Joseph Mingori, General Manager of Lenovo’s WW Smart Office Business Group. The Smart Office Business Group was created in July 2018 to leverage the next wave of smart office technology to help enterprises design modern workplaces for agility, creativity and ultimately increased productivity. ThinkSmart Hub 500 is the first wave of Lenovo’s products and solutions from the new group.
Thank you so much for joining us Joseph. Can you tell us a story about what brought you to this specific career path at Lenovo?
I spent a lot of valuable time in my previous role as a sales executive with many insightful global customers across many different industries. During the last year or so in that role, I observed some growing conversation themes around four intersecting areas that I am very passionate about: productivity, collaboration, the overall employee experience tied to workplace transformation initiatives and how smarter innovative technology can positively enhance all these items together. In parallel during the same period, by studying this market and listening to our customers, Lenovo saw an opportunity to bring our innovation and entrepreneurial culture into this newly developing workplace transformation space. So, we created a new business group in July 2018, Smart Office, that is responsible for bringing various new smart technologies to the rapidly evolving collaboration market. To help kickstart a new start-up in a $50B company, I moved over to lead and help build this new business as the WW General Manager, allowing me to capitalize on my own enthusiasm for these topics. It has been a tremendous experience thus far and I am very grateful to be part of a very dedicated team creating something brand new.
Can you share the most interesting story that happened to you since you began your career?
I have been very fortunate to work with very talented colleagues and teams throughout my career at Lenovo. We have shared many great successes and challenges that helped us learn and grow together. One of my most interesting and rewarding roles was a long-term international assignment based in Hong Kong. I was responsible for helping to develop the emerging markets for our Global Accounts organization across portions of Asia Pacific and Latin America. While I had many best practices to share and contribute from the mature markets, the overall learning experience and knowledge I personally gained from my new team members and local customers during this period was an incredible gift. In addition, my family (wife & two very young daughters at this time) also cherished this family bonding experience and the strong friendships we made during this period.
Can you tell us about the “Bleeding edge” technological breakthroughs that you are working on/announced recently — ThinkSmart Hub 500 or others? How do you think that will help people in the workplace?
By leveraging the next wave of smart office technology, enterprises can design a workplace for agility, creativity and greater employee engagement. These workplaces will start turning their attention to the concept of transitional, mobile engagement and spaces that foster greater collaboration and human connection. Our modern collaboration solutions built on the ThinkSmart Hub 500 platform, whether enabling Microsoft Teams or Zoom rooms, will help companies succeed in workplace transformation initiative. They will elegantly balance their business goals with inclusive cultural policies and personal touches that bridge employees to new ways of working.
How do you think this might change the world for professionals?
Smarter collaboration solutions like the ThinkSmart Hub 500 can be foundational to help bring fragmented colleagues closer together and improve human connections through seamless video communication. This smart solution can also allow professionals to get much more intimate with their customers due to more human interaction; building deeper trusting relationships. The real-world benefits of enhanced collaboration go on: enhanced productivity, reduced travel (help with work life/balance- more time with family, less expense, better sustainability) and finally more interactive meetings that simply start on-time and more inclusive interaction from participants working remote.
Keeping “Black Mirror” in mind can you see any potential drawbacks about this technology that people should think more deeply about?
Recent films and series that convey the dangerous “side effects” of technological advancement may influence people to be concerned that we are losing some element of our common humanity as tech becomes so enmeshed in our daily lives.
However, I believe this is a common misconception — we are at an inflection point in the relationship between people and technology. What we call “intelligent transformation” closes the gap between the promise of tech and its actual delivery, empowering end-users and enabling closer collaboration around the world.
Was there a “tipping point” that led your team to this breakthrough? Can you tell us that story?
It’s harder to identify clear tipping points in smart office technology, but it’s a meeting of technologies and working cultural changes that are enabling transformations in smarter workspaces with fast connectivity, more intelligent devices and software as well as greater expectations of individuals for “things” to actually work, wherever they are.
What do you need to lead this technology to widespread adoption with professionals?
One key driver for adoption really centers on companies embracing various new smart technologies to help enhance productivity, collaboration and the overall employee experience.
Can you please give us your favorite “Life Lesson Quote”? Can you share how that was relevant to you in your life?
I have always appreciated quotes of all backgrounds, particularly for broader perspective and inspiration. One quote I have been coming back to most recently is from Jeff Bezos. It is a great reminder that all of us have unique talents and positive ideas to offer the world and we must never let fear of failure or loud critics prevent us from jumping into the arena of life.
“If you absolutely can’t tolerate critics, then don’t do anything new or interesting.”
How can our readers follow you on social media?
I primarily share updates and insight on LinkedIn. For me, LinkedIn is a valuable one-stop shop to stay current with customers, interesting topics and various industries. Connection requests on LinkedIn are always welcome.
Inspirational Lessons From Women in STEM: “Hire Smarter.” with Janine K. Iannarelli and Fotis Georgiaidis
Hire Smarter. I want to be surrounded, by smarter, brighter, stronger, braver, idealistic young people who challenge my perception and push me to take risks. Aging sucks in this regard as we tend to retreat to a safer spot at a certain point in life when the truth is we must all continue to evolve in order to stay competitive. My company is well branded and should survive my time in the industry, but it won’t without the next generation of the right stuff leading it well into the 21st century. Where small companies in cottage industries tended to fade with the retirement or passing of their founder, I see today that a company as a brand can survive with the right persona at the helm. A service company that is founded on sound and timely principles can flourish regardless of changes in the market environment.
As a part of my series featuring accomplished women in STEM, I had the pleasure of interviewingJanine K. Iannarelli, the founder and president of Par Avion Ltd. With over 35 years of business aviation experience, she represents numerous corporations and private individuals worldwide with the sale and purchase of business aircraft. Par Avion is an aircraft marketing firm that specializes in the exclusive representation and acquisition of aircraft with an emphasis on pre-owned business jets valued upwards of $65,000,000 (USD).
Thank you so much for doing this with us! Can you tell us a story about what brought you to this specific career path?
Most people who choose unusual career paths will tell you they stood at a crossroads, though it may at the time have been unbeknownst to them. How I ended up building a career in aircraft sales was borne more out of my sense of adventure and an attempt to be unique without being perceived as “odd.”
I knew from early on that going to work for a large corporation where you are a number and the chance for advancement may be limited to how well you respond to a test versus demonstrable added value, was never going to work for me. I quickly realized that any action you take in a small company has a direct impact on the bottom line and the ability not only for you, but the company to succeed.
My first job as a researcher specializing in identifying trends in the business aircraft resale marketplace made that abundantly clear to me. That sense of making a real contribution that was almost immediately measurable was very empowering. After about nine months of working for the company, mostly from my desk, I was promoted to a sales position and was tasked with actually going on the road to secure new clients. Fresh out of college, with no training program on how to do this, I was given license to write the playbook on business development. Wow! That was not a daunting task to me and rather had the opposite effect. After two successful visits to prospective clients I felt invincible and realized I had found my calling.
Can you share the most interesting story that happened to you since you began at your company?
My career has been nothing but interesting stories. What I think may serve as an epiphany to some and evidence of a maturation process for me is a story about how I turned down business. In the course of building my business, I have often stated that I am not trying to be all things to all people. What that really means is I am not trying to sell every type of airplane made, but rather stay focused on a core group that I believe in. By doing so, I can master the market knowledge that is essential to good decision making and as well become an expert on the product. However, even within my core business model, I have come to discover that not every prospect is for me. I have politely turned down business either because I have come to a realization that a potential client is too difficult to work with for one or another reason or their level of transparency does not mirror what today’s business environment expects. It has more to do with international business and the requirements of “know your client” or “KYC.” If the paper trail is not by the book and clear as a bell, then the deal is a no go in my world.
Can you share a story about the funniest mistake you made when you were first starting? Can you tell us what lesson you learned from that?
Working for the aircraft dealership I had once received an inquiry on an airplane from someone who identified themselves by a name that sounded more like something out of Star Wars than a company that seriously was contemplating the purchase of an airplane. Admittedly, my then jaded self was rather dismissive of the call and was seriously thinking this was nothing but a prank. Well, while that party never bought an airplane, they did call back to talk to my boss to discuss my dismissive attitude. Thank goodness I was the producer in the company for it otherwise might have been addressed with more than a request to be more considerate even of the oddest calls. I learned then and there to never be judgmental…at least during the initial inquiry!
What do you think makes your company stand out? Can you share a story?
Par Avion Ltd. stands out due to attention to detail, personal service and expertise honed, not just by virtue of decades in the field, but an investment of time and effort in an approach to ongoing learning and developing of my skill set. I pride myself on the fact I am comfortable reviewing an airplane’s records and making a go/no go decision on buying a particular airplane based on what I read in its history. I was trained by my former employer, a licensed pilot and airframe and powerplant mechanic, as how to review the records of an airplane and identify items that would warrant further questioning. One would think that if a problem existed in the history of the airplane it would be a straightforward reference. Not necessarily true. Entries don’t typically use the words “damage history” or incident or this is the third attempt at repairing the same problem.
The ability to connect the dots among actions taken or read between the lines is an art. Without possessing the knowledge of specific maintenance requirements, or what otherwise would be an anomaly in the process of maintaining an airplane, your own internal radar would not start twitching and thus lead to more questions. Sometimes unusual occurrences are blatant and other times subtle. Case in point: I went to look at an airplane last summer for a client, but before doing so made sure it checked all the boxes, including that it was free from any damage history. That’s pretty much a standard question that would be asked before anyone decides to invest themselves further in the acquisition of a particular airplane. Not only did the aircraft have damage history, reference to it was noted on the very first page of the very first logbook for the airplane. Hello! I represented the buyer and made this discovery at the onset of our visit. The other party represented the seller and clearly did not take the time to review the records to not only make himself aware of this, but prepared an answer when the question arose.
Are you working on any exciting new projects now? How do you think that will help people?
Yes! It is philanthropic in nature, but as challenging as my day to day job.
I have been invited to join a team that will work to stage next spring and summer commemorative events celebrating the end of WWII in Europe and Japan. These 75th anniversary events will take place in Washington DC in May 2020 and at Pearl Harbor in August 2020. The first part will include a fly-over of the national mall in DC of vintage warbirds. The preparation, the logistics, and the commitment are epic and to be a part of something that is commemorating as well as creating history is something one can’t easily say no to.
History is something that must be learned, but when you can also live it through this sort of visual you are helping bring to life for a whole new generation what service to one’s country and to humanity as a whole means. I think it will help people of all ages connect with what has been termed our greatest generation and understand how much of a commitment the United States make to world peace.
Are you currently satisfied with the status quo regarding women in STEM? What specific changes do you think are needed to change the status quo?
No, I am personally not satisfied. While STEM/STEAM is the buzzword of the day and many companies are taking steps to encourage development of programs that support such, I do not think it is widely understood how underrepresented females are in these areas. Companies need to more actively pursue the employment of qualified female candidates for jobs in STEM related fields. In addition, they need to be more assertive in sourcing women to fill board seats. While slowly but surely it appears that gender bias at entry level is going away, it exists at the top of the pyramid and in specialty fields. The barriers to entry are subtle in some cases, but they exist.
What advice would you give to other female leaders to help their team to thrive?
I am an advocate for continuing education regardless of where you are in your career. That means sometimes stepping outside traditional core curriculum and learning more about issues that plague growth, HR and just good corporate governance. As a woman owned business, we are not just stewards of our organization, but of all female owned and operated businesses as the global business environment judges us collectively.
What advice would you give to other female leaders about the best way to manage a large team?
Stay connected and relevant.
None of us are able to achieve success without some help along the way. Is there a particular person who you are grateful towards who helped get you to where you are? Can you share a story about that?
I would like to shine the light on someone who I met early on in my career with whom I developed not only a strong professional relationship, but a good friendship. Ed Underwood is an aviation insurance broker I met my first year working in this industry and to this day remains a close confident and professional advisor. His moral compass mirrors my own and knowing that helps when I ask for an opinion or guidance. I stress that because some people think it is okay to color outside the lines in business, but the truth is, it never is. Like me, he is a globe trotter, has clients of all shapes and sizes and is always conscious of delivering the highest level of service. It is not so much any one thing that Ed did to help me in my career, but the multitude of small and consistent things that he did. He has been my rock outside of my work environment and one of my inner circle of close professional friends that I feel I can turn to at any time. Not having someone who understands your work environment and the unique challenges you face would make success in my industry that much more difficult. Without that type of support network, I am not sure how one truly builds a career.
How have you used your success to bring goodness to the world?
Early on my counterbalance to the financial success I was achieving was to contribute by making a donation to causes that resonated with me. In more recent years, particularly as groups and certain people have reached out to me for help, I have begun to lend my name, my network and my influence such that it is in at least my industry. I think it is incumbent upon all of us to give back in some way and even more so on those of us who can move mountains for good.
What are your “5 Leadership Lessons I Learned From My Experience as a Woman in STEM” and why. (Please share a story or example for each.)
Slow to hire, quick to fire. Because trying to make a square peg fit in a round hole doesn’t do anyone any good. In the course of growing Par Avion Ltd., I have hired people to fill roles. Because a small company really relies on the staff employed, I often tried to make someone who lacked the skills or initiative work within the role when it would have been better for both of us to cut the cord early.
Embrace change in technology. Because if you don’t your competitor will. Not thinking you need to invest in your web site or hardware is a mistake. I fell behind in getting my web site mobile platform ready. My tech advisors tried to move that goalpost long before it was commonplace and would have put me ahead of the crowd as opposed to now just being part of the pack.
Eat that frog. This is a business book I read for entertainment and which reinforced the conviction I already lived by and that is to do the most daunting task first. Everyone has something sitting on their desk that has to get done. eventually. but keeps getting put off. Trust me, you keep your stress level low by tackling that task early in the calendar!
Encourage and Facilitate Personal Growth. While you hire people to improve your bottom line, people come to work for you to improve theirs. Never forget it is a mutually beneficial relationship that is not always solely based on financial compensation. Many of the interns who have spent time with me have learned and benefitted from my approach to problem-solving. Especially young women who learn it is okay to give voice to your expectations.
Hire Smarter. I want to be surrounded, by smarter, brighter, stronger, braver, idealistic young people who challenge my perception and push me to take risks. Aging sucks in this regard as we tend to retreat to a safer spot at a certain point in life when the truth is we must all continue to evolve in order to stay competitive. My company is well branded and should survive my time in the industry, but it won’t without the next generation of the right stuff leading it well into the 21st century. Where small companies in cottage industries tended to fade with the retirement or passing of their founder, I see today that a company as a brand can survive with the right persona at the helm. A service company that is founded on sound and timely principles can flourish regardless of changes in the market environment.
You are a person of great influence. If you could inspire a movement that would bring the most amount of good to the most amount of people, what would that be? You never know what your idea can trigger. 🙂
I would hope to inspire diversity, equity and inclusion in the workplace.
It is the message that resonates across so many planes (no pun intended) and it is promoted by media, but for example, in my small world of aircraft sales it is nearly non-existent. In fact, there is one specialty interest group trying to paint themselves as the gold standard in aircraft sales, but at the exclusion of others through their creation of economic barriers to entry. That in my opinion is taking a step backward. No one in that group looks like me and if you stop and think about it, I already have an advantage to other minorities in comparison.
Can you please give us your favorite “Life Lesson Quote”? Can you share how that was relevant to you in your life?
Don’t put off until tomorrow, what you can do today. Every day in business brings something new.
What may feel like a lull period will quickly morph into chaos and then all those easy tasks that you were planning on doing get put on hold. Except, you discover once you get into them, they were not so easy, or the person who relied upon you to get them done is now in urgent need of the information/product/commitment. Never, ever delay doing something if at all possible! I never know when I am going to get the call to come to a meeting in New York or Paris and a last-minute trip like that can throw your schedule off for weeks. Therefore, always with the potential for a pop-up trip in mind, I use my Mondays and Fridays to address tasks that have a deadline somewhere in the future.
Some of the biggest names in Business, VC funding, Sports, and Entertainment read this column. Is there a person in the world, or in the US with whom you would love to have a private breakfast or lunch with, and why? He or she might just see this if we tag them 🙂
Christiane Amanpour. She is a woman who epitomizes making the most of the opportunities presented to you, a person who soldiered on in the face of adversity and rises up to the challenge regardless of what that may be. I want to be the Christiane Amanpour of the aviation industry.
“I allow space to be imperfect and recognize that things are always changing.” with Nicolle Molina Osequeda & Fotis Georgiadis
I allow space to be imperfect and recognize things are always changing: I remind myself that I wont always be in the same situation, have the same feelings or be in the same amount of discomfort, in 2 hours, 2 days or 2 weeks. There are times when I feel stressed or frustrated and it feels like it will be like this forever. I always remind myself that things will not always feel this way and I can still practice compassion and remind myself things will be okay.
I had the pleasure to interview Nicolle Molina Osequeda, a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, specializing in relationships (friends, intimate relationships and families) and the challenges within those relationships — like communication, finances, boundaries, life transitions etc. She founded Lincoln Park Therapy Group in Chicago in 2016 Lincolnparktherapygroup.com. A practice that focuses on supporting people through life’s challenges and embodies their core central values of compassion, inclusion and cultivating change.
Thank you so much for joining us! I’d love to begin by asking you to give us the backstory as to what brought you to this specific career path.
I’ve always found myself drawn to supporting others. My career starting as a community support specialist working with severely developmentally and physically disabled adults. I developed such warm and meaningful relationships with these individuals and loved supporting their independence and learning life skills. This led me to my next step earning my credential as an adult education teacher for the same population. It was around this time that I met a friend who was a therapist and she shared with me how rewarding it was to work one on one with kids and individuals to support them in their journey of self development and growth. I decided at this time to go back to school for my Master’s Degree in Counseling Psychology. My initial placements were working with high risk youth in the foster care system with aggressive or challenging behaviors. I received the bulk of my training at a residential facility in Oakland, CA. with youth with dual diagnoses, developmental disabilities and mental health challenges. Supporting people to manage, cope and gain self- awareness towards their growth has always been a passion of mine. I am always so grateful and honored to be granted access and given such trust to accompany people on their journey to healing and growth. I truly enjoy the work I do and the people I am able to support.
Are you working on any exciting new projects now? How do you hope that they might help people along their path to self-understanding or a better sense of wellbeing in their relationships?
Right now my focus has shifted a bit from the clinical work (even though I still do a lot of that) to growing our practice offerings, empowering emerging clinicians and growing their skills set and ability to help and empower others and continuing my own knowledge and skill set in understanding shame and shame resilience in an effort to support others to do the same within their own lives and learn to love themselves.
Do you have a personal story that you can share with our readers about your struggles or successes along your journey of self-understanding and self-love?
Learning to love myself, imperfections and all, has always been a journey for me. I have spent most of my life being very critical of my appearance and my own abilities. When I discovered and later became certified in Brené Brown’s Daring Way and understood more about shame, vulnerability, shame resilience and self-compassion something shifted for me. Things that used to hold me back like starting a larger practice, becoming a business owner, accepting with love and compassion how my body looked rather than striving for perfection I was able to truly take risks and try things I never thought I was capable of.
Was there ever a tipping point that triggered a change regarding your feelings of self acceptance?
Understanding more about shame, my own personal shame triggers and understanding the shared experience feeling shame as humans helped me move through it and accept myself more. It is an ongoing practice and something I struggle with on a daily basis, however I feel more equiped than ever to move through moments like this. Maybe it was how many times I shared and discussed The Daring Way curriculum with my clients, but it was a way to help me understand and embody the self-compassion and acceptance.
According to a recent study cited in Cosmopolitan, in the US, only about 28 percent of men and 26 percent of women are “very satisfied with their appearance.” Could you talk about what some of the causes might be, as well as the consequences?
There are so many messages around how we should look, what the ideal body or beauty standard is and even the concept that you should never be ‘satisfied” and keep working on yourself. It makes sense that those numbers are so low. The consequences are missing out on experiences — avoiding them, being there but not being present or feeling like we don’t deserve to be there because we haven’t achieved the unrealistic and unattainable appearance we are saturated with through our culture, media and value placed on it. The consequences can be never allowing yourself to soak in the ocean because you don’t feel you look good enough, miss out on sunny days because you don’t like how you look in shorts, avoiding dating because you’ve decided that you’ll never be loved , avoid growing your family because you’re afraid of how your body will respond…all of these things are limiting, perpetuated by fear and perfectionism and truly limit us from enjoying everything life has to offer.
As cheesy as it might sound to truly understand and “love yourself,” can you share with our readers a few reasons why it’s so important?
It’s so important to love ourselves before we are capable of really loving anyone else. I love Brené Brown and I think her work has been personally transformative and have seen it transform the lives of my clients. One of my favorite quotes of hers that really stays with me is “we can only love others as much as we love ourselves”. To me it means if I internally am criticizing myself and holding myself to a high perfectionistic standard, then I am also doing that with others and the people I love. I need to begin with practicing self-compassion towards myself and then I am capable of practicing it towards my fellow humans — friends, family, lovers and strangers — but until then I am not truly able to engage, be present and vulnerable and love others. Loving ourselves allows us to fully engage in the depth of humanness, the vulnerability it brings and then connect and feel connection with others. If we are still struggling with giving ourselves acceptance, grace and generosity to be imperfect, its very hard or nearly impossible to give it to others.
Why do you think people stay in mediocre relationships? What advice would you give to our readers regarding this?
I think there are many reasons why people stay in relationships that one might consider mediocre. There is the hope things will change or go back to a way they once were, love the person and lack the skills or support to increase connection and mutually get their needs met, feel shame around a commitment and it not working out, or feel like it’s too late or might be impossible to find something that is meaningful. It’s hard to be vulnerable enough to say this isn’t working out for me anymore, it takes so much courage to make a change even when there are clear reasons why you think one “should.” You need to decide what does or does not work for you, not in the context of what you think you “should” do or what you would think others would “think” was right or wrong, but what truly works for you.
When we talk about self-love and understanding we don’t necessarily mean blindly loving and accepting ourselves the way we are. Many times self-understanding requires us to reflect and ask ourselves the tough questions, to realize perhaps where we need to make changes in ourselves to be better not only for ourselves but our relationships. What are some of those tough questions that will cut through the safe space of comfort we like to maintain, that our readers might want to ask themselves? Can you share an example of a time that you had to reflect and realize how you needed to make changes?
I think it’s important to ask ourselves what we are bringing to a dynamic and have the courage to look at what we could do better. We do that by seeking to understand the reflections, needs and complaints of our partner. We listen and try to see their perspective before hearing and preparing our defense. We come from a place of being generous with our assumptions of the other person and courageous enough to be vulnerable and imperfect. What are common themes that come up in your disagreements or conflict with your partner, friends or colleagues? What are areas of your relationship where you could be better, do better or be more generous? Are you truly listening and connecting with what you need in your relationship? How about your partner’s needs? Are you setting boundaries of your own? Why are they important to you? Are you respecting the boundaries others are setting with you? Are you open to feedback from others? Are really listening to them? What is the need your partner is expressing? Can you meet somewhere in the middle? Are saying what you mean and being clear about your expectations?
So many don’t really know how to be alone, or are afraid of it. How important is it for us to have, and practice, that capacity to truly be with ourselves and be alone (literally or metaphorically)?
I think the capacity to be alone (literally and metaphorically) is sometimes difficult for people because it creates the space for rumination, shame and negative thought spirals to creep in. Learning to cope and move through all of that is learning how to be more shame resilient and therefore more able to cope with being alone. Accepting our imperfections and celebrating and honoring our own needs is important. There also seems to be a negative connotation with time spent alone. Spending time alone can be empowering, restorative and allow us the opportunity to check in with ourselves and use the information that comes up for us as an opportunity for self-reflection and to get curious about what this means to us.
How does achieving a certain level of self-understanding and self-love then affect your ability to connect with and deepen your relationships with others?
When we are able to truly be accepting of our own imperfections and practice self compassion and acceptance then we are able to be vulnerable enough (our walls our down and we are open) to connect deeply with someone else. We are not only able to accept ourselves but to accept others imperfections, humanness and this too allows for that deeper connection. When we have that veil of perfection and being bulletproof it is actually something that separates us and keeps us from connecting with others.
In your experience, what should a) individuals and b) society, do to help people better understand themselves and accept themselves?
a) Stop holding yourself to perfectionistic standards;its unattainable and doesn’t bring you joy or blocks connection.
Get curious about the things you are so hard on yourself about. Where do you need to practice self-compassion towards yourself (hint: it’s probably the same things you find yourself criticising others about).
What lessons can be learned from what is hardest to accept about yourself? How can you move through the shame? Who can you connect with and rely on to hear your story and share in your journey?
b) Let’s stop holding each other to perfection and strive to be more open and accepting of each other.
How can we as a culture allow for the space to be vulnerable and imperfect to learn from our mistakes rather than becoming immediately judgmental and critical. How can we continue to grow and learn from each other?
How can we get curious rather than making assumptions? How can we give generousity of assumptions rather than getting angry and defensive?
What are 5 strategies that you implement to maintain your connection with and love for yourself, that our readers might learn from? Could you please give a story or example for each?
I allow space to be imperfect and recognize things are always changing: I remind myself that I wont always be in the same situation, have the same feelings or be in the same amount of discomfort, in 2 hours, 2 days or 2 weeks. There are times when I feel stressed or frustrated and it feels like it will be like this forever. I always remind myself that things will not always feel this way and I can still practice compassion and remind myself things will be okay.
I have perspective. Recently I had some health issues that kept me from working out and practicing my #1 stress management tool I have. This really taught me to open myself up to other tools that achieve that in a different way AND I reminded myself that this is temporary and will not feel like it does right now forever. I try and stay out of catastrophizing and thinking it will be like this forever.
I practice gratitude. My husband and I recently started asking eachother what was good today in oder to help us remember and emphasize all the good things that happen rather than focusing on the one frustrating thing. This allows me to see how many thinks I love about myself and my life even amidst the struggle and dissapointment we all have.
I practice self compassion. Lately due to my health issues and my ongoing struggle with body image, it has been hard to feel my body changing and some clothing tighter or not feeling as great in my own skin. This is where I really had to pull out the tools of reminding myself that I am so much more than this one physical part of myself and have not lost the core of what makes me, me. Again, that this is temporary and that I will soon be able to exercise again and feel more connected to my body, however in the meantime I can still love myself and recognize the strength and courage to go through this.
I am not a measure of how much I accomplish and what I can do. I have had to really begin to shift the expecation and notion that I am only as good as how much I can do or fit into a day. I practice honoring and cultivating silence and rest (actually my practice goal for 2019) and recongnizing the benefits it brings to me. This allows me space to be still and honor who I am in the moment.
What are your favorite books, podcasts, or resources for self-psychology, intimacy, or relationships? What do you love about each one and how does it resonate with you?
I love The Gifts of Imperfection by Brené Brown. I use this in my own life as practices or guideposts to integrate into my life. I also use this with clients to support them in recognize the common humanity or that we all feel shame and struggle with perfectionism. It helps people feel more connected and accepting of their shame and imperfections.
Daring Greatly by Brené Brown is another wonderful book that takes what we learn about shame and how we can use our values to guide us when things are terrifying, hard and we feel like retreating but that is risk is greater than having the courage to be vulnerable. I feel like this really has helped me personally, professionally and in my atheltic pursuits.
Self-Compassion by Kristin Neff. This book talks more in depth about what self-compssion is, the research behind it and specific practices, mediations and the power of being kind to yourself. I love this book so much because it offers real tools to use to begin that bractice of self kindness and compassion. I have used this to support myself through difficult times when I am being critical and feeling shame.
You are a person of great influence. If you could inspire a movement that would bring the most amount of good to the most amount of people, what would that be? Maybe we’ll inspire our readers to start it…
Practicing generous assumptions. Many times people walk through their life looking for evidence that support cognitive biases about themselves and the world around them. Practicing a generous assumption is similar to gaining perspective or challenging what we think something means is fact that supports something negative in our life or a belief we have about the motives behind our partners, co-workers or even strangers. I encourage people to practice giving others (and themselves) a generous assumption. Could it be the more negative motive behind it, sure but practicing giving a generous assumption makes the world a more pleasant and more generous place to operate from.
Can you please give us your favorite “Life Lesson Quote” that you use to guide yourself by? Can you share how that was relevant to you in your life and how our readers might learn to live by it in theirs?
Comparison Is the Thief of Joy- Theodore Roosevelt
I love this quote because it reminds me to stay on my own course and appreciate where I am versus comparing myself to others. It has helped me during athletic events and taking entrepreneurial risks. It taps into a few concepts that I love to keep in mind and share with my clients regarding self-esteem and self-compassion. Self-esteem is built on comparison, or being better than another which is only present when we are doing better than others and is temporary and fleeting. It limits our courage to try new things and continue to grow. When we strive for self-compassion or recognizing our common humanity (the fact that we cannot always be the best and have imperfections) we are able to access the courage to challenge ourselves and continue to grow because we always have a safe and compassionate place to land.
Thank you so much for your time and for your inspiring insights!
“Mindfulness slows us down and reminds us of what we’re doing — and why.” with Jessica Weisz and Fotis Georgiadis
Mindfulness is what keeps me — and our business as a whole — focused and thriving. There is so much going on in our lives today, from binging on our phones to major news stories grabbing our attention, to the ever-increasing pressures and challenges of growing a business. All of this can lead to major stress and unproductivity. Mindfulness slows us down and reminds us of what we’re doing — and why. That allows us to focus on the “how.” In other words, I find that when we slow down, we can go faster.
As a part of my series about leaders who integrate mindfulness and spiritual practices into their work culture, I had the pleasure of interviewing Jessica Weisz, Chief Operating Officer at SoapBox, a rapidly growing Toronto-based tech startup used by managers at over 8,000 scaling companies (like Intercom, Foodora and Wayfair) to have better one-on-ones, team meetings and company-wide discussions. In her former life, Jessica was a consultant at McKinsey & Company and also led strategic initiatives for senior executives at BMO Financial Group. She’s a regularly-requested speaker at top global tech events such as SaaStock, SaaS North and TechTO.
Thank you so much for doing this with us! Can you please share your “backstory” with us?
I come from the world of “Big Corporate.” In the corporate world, I learned a lot and the individual people were wonderful, but the environment made me anxious. There was a huge focus on perfection (or risk getting called out harshly), and it was an overly formal atmosphere — more robotic than emotional. In other words, there wasn’t really room for how I was feeling, and what made me feel energized, or deenergized, for that matter.
Also, I couldn’t build there. I wanted to create things, bring them to life. That kind of thing can’t really happen in a large organization — at least not at the speed or with the creative license I was looking for. So, I left my 40,000-employee company to work with four others in a startup. I like to joke that when I made the jump to the startup world, I went from black blazers to brightly-colored leggings ?.
What role did mindfulness or spiritual practice play in your life growing up? Do you have a funny or touching story about that?
Honestly, it was never really a conscious thing growing up. But looking back, one anecdote my mom always shares comes to mind. It gives me insight into how I’m able to focus, be present and take in my surroundings: When I was young, I would quietly sit in the backseat of the car with my mom and brother up front. My mom would call back to ask if I was listening to her, and I’d promptly say yes. It seemed like I was off in another world, but really, I was just taking everything in.
Even today, I find myself doing that. I like pulling back a bit, and just being in the moment, taking it all in. Maybe that was the first step in me learning how to be mindful — how to take in a beautiful moment or be attentive to others I am engaging with.
How do your mindfulness or spiritual practices affect your business and personal life today?
Mindfulness is what keeps me — and our business as a whole — focused and thriving. There is so much going on in our lives today, from binging on our phones to major news stories grabbing our attention, to the ever-increasing pressures and challenges of growing a business. All of this can lead to major stress and unproductivity.
Mindfulness slows us down and reminds us of what we’re doing — and why. That allows us to focus on the “how.” In other words, I find that when we slow down, we can go faster.
Do you find that you are more successful or less successful because of your integration of spiritual and mindful practices? Can you share an example or story about that with us?
Definitely more successful. Mindfulness allows me to note and acknowledge my success.
Success is such a personal and subjective construct. There isn’t a definite marker of “you are successful.” Success comes when I achieve something that I personally feel is important. I really believe we are all successful in our own right.
When I’m mindful, when I’m present and attentive to what I’m doing, how I’m feeling and where I’m at, I’m able to notice more. The things I’m doing, the peaks I’ve climbed, the awesomeness I am experiencing. That makes me feel more successful, and therefore I am more successful.
What would you say is the foundational principle for one to “lead a good life”? Can you share a story that illustrates that?
For me, it’s staying focused on today. Slowing down is so crucial — I call it “koala mode.”
This comes from when I went to Australia to meet with some SoapBox customers, and I went to a koala sanctuary. Watching them, I got a sense of how calm life could be. They seemed to just focus on what they were eating, what they were about to eat, and sleeping.
I shared some videos of the sanctuary with our CEO Brennan McEachran, and it became an email sign-off between the two of us to say “Koala.” That was shorthand for, “So long as today is great and tomorrow seems like it will be too, then I’m good.”
This has come up a lot at SoapBox, where we’re building a company from the ground up, and there’s no certainty of our futures. There’s potential for stress around every corner. But focusing on today and tomorrow reminds us that we’re doing what we’re doing because we enjoy the experience. And it personally keeps me sane because I’m more content staying in the moment.
Can you share a story about one of the most impactful moments in your spiritual/mindful life?
One of the most impactful moments was when I realized that our efforts to create a supportive, open, mindful culture at SoapBox had taken shape.
Last year, during a hackathon at SoapBox, an engineer bravely stood up in front of the entire company and talked about how he was struggling with anxiety and the aftermath of a serious panic attack. He asked others to join him in designing resources and activities to create a mentally-healthy workplace.
He was joined by a group of employees that helped to build a dedicated committee at SoapBox, called BrainBoxers, with the mandate of bringing mindfulness and mental health to the forefront of our day-to-day.
The fact that he felt comfortable being vulnerable in front of his peers showed me that the efforts we’d all put in at SoapBox over the years was taking hold. Because a mindful culture has to live outside of select leaders. This committee being initiated not by myself or Brennan demonstrated that mindfulness had truly become an integral part of our culture — and the time had come to put some more formal process in place.
None of us are able to achieve success without some help along the way. Is there a particular person who you are grateful towards who helped get you to where you are? Can you share a story?
I am where I am today because of a few amazing managers I had along my journey. I think that’s part of the reason that SoapBox’s mandate means so much to me.
The biggest thing they did was take the time to have meaningful conversations with me. They cared about me as a person. They opened my eyes to see situations at work in a different light and did what they could to put me in the best possible footing for the future.
Specifically, I had one manager who helped me through a tough time in my career. A project had gone really bad and I lost out on a promotion. I remember feeling crushed and disillusioned at how things could have gone so haywire — both with the work, and my career aspirations.
This manager was open with me about the whole situation: how things worked in our company, how decisions were made, what it took to get things done. In this way, he treated me like the adult I was and gave me the context I needed to see outside myself.
This taught me the importance of being able to see things from other people’s (my employees, my execs, my Board, my peers) perspective, also how valuable it is to how things work in an organization. It’s a learning that has been immeasurably helpful. You’ve got to love the power of an amazing manager ?.
Can you share 3 or 4 pieces of advice about how leaders can create a very “healthy and uplifting” work culture?
1. It has to be part of your day-to-day interactions
Mindfulness can’t just be one-off things like a day of mental health training, or words that live in a company value statement. It has to be part of how you work, all the time. For example, make it part of your meetings. At SoapBox, wellness is often a recurring agenda item. At our monthly BrainBoxers meeting, we go around the table and describe our mental state in one word. In my one-on-ones with our CEO, Brennan, we have a standing item to check in our emotional health. And in team meetings, we make time to share something we’re grateful for.
2. Make it available to everyone — but don’t expect (or require) everyone to join in
A daily meditation session won’t be for everyone. But even the fact that it’s there means people will think and act differently about wellness and mental health. And when they do have the need to take advantage of some of the programs you’ve set in place, they will feel comfortable doing so. Your team should see these programs and resources as their right — they can use them when and how they like, and they should always be available.
3. Enable all managers to have meaningful conversations with their employees
And I mean all managers — all the way to the front-line managers. Everyone.
These days, managers are rarely trained. They’re often figuring it out as they go. But they are the most influential people in creating a healthy and uplifting environment for their employees. And so, managers need to have the ability to do so. For us, that means giving managers specific questions to ask in their one-on-ones. That means training them on how to handle mental health at work. That means giving them the tools they need to create a psychologically-safe space where employees can bring topics up without fear of judgement.
You are a person of great influence. If you could inspire a movement that would bring the most amount of good to the most amount of people, what would that be? You never know what your idea can trigger. 🙂
The movement I want to inspire would be for every manager out there to take on their job of enabling their team to thrive — and for managers to take on this crucial task with a full heart.
We all have managers. Even a CEO of a company has a board that leads them. The manager has the biggest influence on employee engagement — i.e. the meaning and energy that employee gets out of their work. So if all the managers out there took the time to support their team’s needs, have meaningful conversations, and be present when talking to them, we could spread a whole lot of good. ❤️
How can people follow you and find out more about you?
“If you’re a person of color, or not, that is interested in growing this industry, the time to jump in the pool is now!” with Neil Kataria and Fotis Georgiadis
It’s not about men or women of color. It about getting anyone who is interested to engage in the industry, as it is an industry that is inherently not about skin color, race, sex, etc, because it is based on decentralization. The birth of blockchain is happening now and there are very few preconceived notions and biases. If you’re a person of color, or not, that is interested in growing this industry, the time to jump in the pool is now!
I had the pleasure of interviewing Neil Kataria, the co-founder and CEO of Basket. A graduate of University of North Carolina, Neil is highly analytical and never gives up until a problem is solved. Prior to building Basket, Neil founded newBrandAnalytics, a social analytics company, which he led through its acquisition by Sprinklr in 2015. During his time with the organization, Neil built newBrand into the premier analytical platform for consumer operational and loyalty insights for some of the world’s biggest companies. Neil has devoted most of his life to creating internet & software businesses that solve big problems for consumers as well as small and large businesses. As an angel investor, Neil has also invested in a number of companies with likeminded objectives. He has served on panels at Cornell University’s Center for Hospitality Research, the Michael Milken Global Institute and many others sharing how technology platforms, powered by data, can be utilized to serve customers and brands alike.
Thank you for joining us! Can you share with us the story of how you decided to pursue this career path? What lessons can others learn from your story?
The first company I founded following college focused on enabling product traceability and transparency within the consumer food industry. I believed that people had a right to know exactly what they’re eating or drinking based on what labels say. This was also my first foray into big data analytics.
Basket started following the birth of my second child. Like many families in this country, we were spending a ton on grocery and baby products, too much. One day I ordered from Amazon and was shocked to find that my 24 items came to over $300. I spent the next 12 hours (much to my wife’s chagrin) comparing that receipt to 10 local stores and found that I could be saving 40%…if I had the right data. Basket was founded with the intent to give consumers the power to make the most financially sound decisions when it comes to purchasing groceries and other household staples…without spending 12 hours to do the research.
Our first lesson? Big business is resistive to disruption. Centralized grocery entities didn’t want to share their data because transparency was ultimately a huge threat to their way of life. It would encourage more competition and give food producers a window into their margins. As a solution, we enlisted the crowd to contribute this information to build the first ever database of prices on the ledger for everyone to access.
Can you tell me about the most interesting projects you are working on now?
Right now, we’re building an open source developer community consisting of 500–1000 people. We’ve created our own incentive program for developers to consistently be able to access our code and make our machine learning and AI model smarter. This model will lead to corporate decentralization on a mass scale, eliminating needs for massive corporate campuses like Apple, Facebook and Google have invested in.
None of us are able to achieve success without some help along the way. Is there a particular person who you are grateful towards who helped get you to where you are? Can you share a story about that?
My mom and dad were the first investors in every venture that I have started. I am extremely lucky to have them, and they helped provide a stable financial and emotional foundation to help me achieve my dreams.
It’s also important to mention my mentor, Jeff Webber, who also happens to be one of our lead investors. He’s helped me grasp how the business side of things really works and has provided salient advice in several times of need, including when we found ourselves tempted to buy another company.
What are the 5 things that most excite you about blockchain and crypto? Why?
The best part about the blockchain industry is that it is decentralized, and innovation can happen quickly. That said, there is not one governing body that could implement “improvements” for the whole industry so achieving consensus is a real challenge, but a good reminder of why what we are building is so special.
The Bad Actors Have Been Flushed Out — A lot of the scams that happened last year have been identified and those bad actors are now known. This allows real projects and companies to enter the space and bring real solutions.
Previous “Traditional” Startups are moving to blockchain — As the power of blockchain becomes better understood, companies who had previously built on more traditional tech stacks are elevating their infrastructure to the blockchain revolution.
The Movement is Global — It is truly incredible how many companies within the space are cheering for and supporting one another. The rising tide is certainly carrying all ships.
Fortune 100 Companies are Showing Off Case Studies — ABInBev and Accenture debuted their blockchain pilot program at the World Crypto Con in Las Vegas in October. Those two massive legacy companies are bragging about the power of blockchain and helping bring validity to the space. They certainly won’t be the last.
Blockchain is Coming for your Pocket — I believe that there will be a few “home screen apps” on everyone’s phones by this time next year that leverage blockchain and cryptocurrencies. The beauty is, many everyday smartphone users will not know that is the case, they will just be benefiting from the tech.
What are the 5 things that worry you about blockchain and crypto? Why?
Scams — Like any innovation in big business, there are those out there just to make a quick buck and many doing so fraudulently.
A Big Business Blockade — We already see a ton of lobbying on behalf of big business, aiming to prevent and delay the widespread adoption of blockchain simply to protect their businesses. Many big businesses are purchasing startup blockchain entities to take them off the market as well.
Regulation — Governments are working hard to regulate blockchain quickly, and they haven’t even taken the opportunity to understand it, and its potential. Which is a shame because one of blockchain’s core promises is a promise of self-regulation and government intervention really shouldn’t be necessary at all.
Adoption by the Masses — This is another case where education comes into play because people are afraid of what they don’t understand. If there isn’t a more concerted effort to get “the masses” to understand blockchain, we’ll have a technology with great potential that is seriously underutilized.
Cryptocurrency Confusion — utility vs. security; local vs. global — it is all confusing to consumers and developers — if you have a different coin for everything, how can it be managed?
How have you used your success to bring goodness to the world? Can you share a story?
Our data is driven on the ground by our scanners who go store to store, ensuring that our prices are as up to date as possible. These team members have the ability to work on their own schedules, which is really helpful to those with complex living situations. One of our scanners has a special needs child, who really needs constant attention when he is not at school. Using the money that she earned collecting data for Basket, she was able to buy a special needs van for her son, earning this incremental income on her own schedule, a schedule that does not allow for traditional means of employment. Additionally, our platform is all about helping people get the essentials for the lowest price possible. For families on a stretched budget, this can make all the difference between feeding just the kids, or managing to feed everyone.
As you know, there are not a lot of people of color in the tech sector. Can you share 3 things that you would you advise to other men and women of color in the tech space to thrive?
There is no reason you can’t break into the industry and be a leader, and once you’re there, don’t use color as a crutch if you want to be treated equally.
Can you advise what is needed to engage more men and women of color into the blockchain industry?
It’s not about men or women of color. It about getting anyone who is interested to engage in the industry, as it is an industry that is inherently not about skin color, race, sex, etc, because it is based on decentralization. The birth of blockchain is happening now and there are very few preconceived notions and biases. If you’re a person of color, or not, that is interested in growing this industry, the time to jump in the pool is now!
What is your favorite “Life Lesson Quote”? Can you share a story of how that had relevance to your own life?
‘“Years and glasses of wine; these things must not be counted.” ― Anthony Capella, The Food of Love
I am a firm believer in meritocracy — you cannot just slap a label on someone, put them in a box and judge them based on that.
You are a person of great influence. If you could start a movement that would bring the most amount of good to the most amount of people, what would that be? You never know what your idea can trigger. 🙂
Bringing price transparency to the grocery market will help increase affordability. If we can make food more affordable, especially for those who find it difficult to make ends meet, we’ll be playing a crucial role in tackling a major element of the world’s hunger problem.
Black Men and Women of The C-Suite: “Diversity affects your company’s bottom line.” with Eric Martin and Fotis Georgiadis
Diversity affects your company’s bottom line. As the general population of the US becomes increasingly heterogeneous, it’s important for business leaders to understand that their general customer base will follow suit. In order to effectively reach these growing sectors of the consumer demographic, you must understand their habits, interests, and sensitivities. Get it right, and you’ve won the race. Get it wrong, and your company will take a hefty hit later down the road. Lately we’ve been witnessing first hand what happens when marketing execs make these easily avoidable mistakes.
As a part of my series about “Black Men and Women of The C-Suite”, I had the distinct pleasure of interviewing Eric Martin, an award-winning entrepreneur based in Atlanta, GA. After seeing a need to restructure the international travel landscape for travelers of color, in April of 2015 he co-created Black & Abroad, a travel company geared toward enhancing the travel experiences for travelers of color. His efforts have landed him on international stages from the British Library and the United Nations, to the pages of publications like American Express, Black Enterprise, Ebony Magazine, Rolling Out, MIC.com, Skift Magazine, and The Washington Post. Through the success of his company, Eric encourages others by sharing his insights on disruptive innovation at speaking engagements around the world.
Thank you so much for doing this with us! Can you tell us a story about what brought you to this specific career path?
My father is a general contractor in the DC metropolitan area. As kids, my brothers and I would roll along with him to his job sites on the weekends and he’d put us to work! It was there that I learned the value of hard work and good leadership. Fast forward to high school, where I got to study the nuts and bolts of big tourism working for a major tour operator on the weekends and summer breaks. I didn’t know it at the time, but in hindsight, I was building a strong foundation for the path that had awaited me as an adult. Around 2014, I started to travel a lot. It seemed as though all the places that interested me were places that none of my friends had been before, so I would have to go online to do my own research. One of the things that I’d noticed online, was a scarcity of black faces in these obscure places around the world. I would go to some of the more popular travel websites and would only see my likeness reflected in positions of servitude: the attendants, the waiting staff, the drivers and so on. This narrative couldn’t be further from the truth as research at the time had proven that black Americans spent upwards of $48 billion on travel annually. This led my business partner Kent Johnson and I, on a mission to debunk the black stereotypes in travel to create a fair and equitable experience for the black traveler.
Can you share the most interesting story that happened to you since you began your career?
In the beginning it wasn’t uncommon for me to receive negative feedback from people who’d struggled to grasp the vision. Some even insinuated that we change our company name to something more ‘palatable’ to cast a wider net. I can specifically remember being advised by an accomplished entrepreneur who I highly respected, that I “shouldn’t focus on serving black just people,” rather “focus on serving ALL people.” The nuances in that statement set off red flags for me. Needless to say, that was the last meeting we’d ever had until they ironically reached out to me a few years later wanting to ‘invest in the movement.’ Of course I declined. But the lesson for me was to never solicit advice from someone who failed to understand the vision, regardless of his or her status or influence.
Can you share a story about the funniest mistake you made when you were first starting? Can you tell us what lesson you learned from that?
One of the funniest mistakes I can recall was my first international speaking gig a few years ago. I’d spent all week preparing the slide deck only to find out 3 minutes prior to the lecture that the AV system at the venue was completely down! As always, I’d made sure that I saved the deck to my laptop the night before. My only issue was that I couldn’t fathom the idea of standing in front of a audience, struggling through the lines of an hour-long presentation from my laptop. I exhausted all options and finally decided to scrap the slide deck idea and speak to the audience straight from memory & experience. The listeners were extremely engaged, and I learned at that moment that PowerPoint slides can‘t always speak to an audience — but I can.
Can you share three reasons with our readers about why it’s really important for a business to have a diverse executive team?
1. A company is only as good as its leadership execs. Your company’s leaders should reflect the faces, ideas and beliefs of your personnel and client base. A diverse work environment should serve as a warm nest, birthing fresh, colorful ideas into the company culture. This is one of the key strategies to drive employee performance. If an employee can see diversity reflected in all levels of company leadership, then they are more likely to feel comfortable bringing their most unique, innovative ideas to the table without the fear of being ostracized or misunderstood.
2. Diversity affects your company’s bottom line. As the general population of the US becomes increasingly heterogeneous, it’s important for business leaders to understand that their general customer base will follow suit. In order to effectively reach these growing sectors of the consumer demographic, you must understand their habits, interests, and sensitivities. Get it right, and you’ve won the race. Get it wrong, and your company will take a hefty hit later down the road. Lately we’ve been witnessing first hand what happens when marketing execs make these easily avoidable mistakes.
3. It’s critical for your company’s reputation. Companies that embrace diversity are often heralded for its efforts. Lists like Forbes “Best Employers for Diversity” help to shed light on these companies, enhancing their overall reputation. Today’s job market is more competitive than ever. A company with a good reputation has a greater chance of attracting and retaining good candidates.
More broadly can you describe how this can have an effect on our culture?
It promotes cultural osmosis. There’s a cross-cultural exchange of knowledge that occurs in this type of environment. These subconscious doses of culture encourage employees to accept and embrace the differences of others. This can have an effect on our culture at large by helping the employees thrive not only in the workplace, but also in society as a whole.
Can you recommend three things the community/society/the industry can do help address the root of the diversity issues in executive leadership?
To move the needle on the diversity issue, we must start at the recruitment level. There must be talent acquisition strategies put in place to generate a pool of candidates from all ends of the spectrum. Recruiting from colleges with higher diversity indexes along with HBCUs, and HSLs Is a great way start. Working with the surrounding community is another. Partnering corporate leaders with local community leaders can help businesses identify local talent. It can also help to improve community relations.
Another way to drive diversity is for companies to work closely with their affinity groups. Companies often underestimate the effectiveness of Employee Resource Groups or ERG’s. One way to effectively utilize these resource groups is to link each leadership exec to at least one corresponding ERG. This will help to promote diversity, creating a live channel of communication and accountability between leaders and their supporting teams. You can also implement an ERG employee referral program to help build a more diverse pool of talent.
How do you define “Leadership”? Can you explain what you mean or give an example?
There’s leadership, and then there’s good leadership. Good leadership is measured by a person’s ability to use their influence as a tool to connect, engage, and strengthen the team. He or she recognizes the strengths of each team member and constructively challenges each member to pursue the best version of themselves to reach the team’s objectives. With good leadership, each team member walks away empowered and prepared to take on the next project. Let’s keep in mind though that an organization can be an example of good leadership as well. One example that comes to mind is the team at Pendleton Solutions, a women/minority owned & managed security-consulting firm based out of the Washington DC metropolitan area. The company, constituted largely of women executives is to paving the way for other women and minorities interested in securing a stake in this male-dominated industry. Despite the pressures, the company galvanizes their team into action everyday by ensuring that each team member understands their individual impact to the company’s overall mission.
What are your “5 things I wish someone told me when I first started” and why. Please share a story or example for each.
1. Work/life balance is essential. — When building my business, it wasn’t uncommon for me to end up working long nights and still wake up the next morning feeling like there was work to be done. It was almost like there weren’t enough hours in the day. It’s easy to get caught in that rabbit hole of endless work hours once you start to see results. It wasn’t until I discovered a work-shaped void in my personal life that I found myself having to realign in order to produce my best work & ideas. Spending more time connecting with friends, family and myself. Everything requires balance. There’s a time to turn on and a time to turn off.
2. Work on your business, not in your business. — Don’t be afraid to delegate daily responsibilities to other team members or employees. Once your company grows to a certain point, you won’t have a choice. It can be a bit daunting, especially if you’re a perfectionist like myself. At Black & Abroad, I’ve personally found that standardizing processes help to create consistency and quality across the board. As the architect of your company’s future, you’re responsible for team building and strategy deployment to add value to your market and overall vision.
3. Network across .– For some reason, I could never get with the idea of ‘networking up.’ I understand it, but it just doesn’t seem organic to me. Some people do it successfully, but if it isn’t natural to me then I don’t have a desire. I am however, comfortable with leveraging organic relationships to create mutually beneficial opportunities for all involved. The potential for these organic relationships are all around us. The people we meet at seminars, social outings, or even your network of college classmates. When you network across, you grow together, adding even more strength to the relationship. One of my favorite places to meet other professionals is a co-working spot in Atlanta called The Gathering Spot.
4. Emotional intelligence always wins. — A high EQ can take your business a long way. Most business owners can agree that no two days are ever alike. There can be unforeseen issues with vendors or suppliers one day, to web server issues the next. The key is to not fight fire with fire. Hold onto your sanity in times of volatility, and assemble your team to contain the matter to before it contaminates other areas of your company.
5. It’s Ok to say NO! — Once you start getting noticed for your work, the opportunities you used to work so hard for will just start to roll in. Don’t be so quick to say yes to everything. Not long ago, I was approached with a travel opportunity that offered a great salary but went directly against Black & Abroad’s core values. Moving forward with that deal could’ve tarnished the image of both my personal and professional brand. In other words, all money ain’t good money
You are a person of enormous influence. If you could inspire a movement that would bring the most amount of good to the most amount of people, what would that be? You never know what your idea can trigger. 🙂
A study done by the Mandala Research Group in 2018 revealed that black buying power in the travel industry has reached $63 billion. As the #blackandabroad movement continues to inspire members of the African diaspora, we’ve decided to galvanize our economic power by driving our community members to black businesses worldwide. Our latest endeavor, Project Beeline will connect members of our community with black-owned businesses affiliated with tourism around the world, helping to mobilize these companies, and further circulate the black dollar.
Can you please give us your favorite “Life Lesson Quote”? Can you share how that was relevant to you in your life?
“Trust the process” is the one quote I live by. All you can do is your best foot forward and walk in integrity. Let the universe sort out the rest. There will be times when immediate circumstances may get in the way and tempt you to loose sight of your vision. We’ve all been there before. Don’t lose sight! You have to relentlessly believe in your own ideas before you try to sell them to others. Trust the process, and know that you have the full capacity to manifest your ideas.
Is there a person in the world, or in the US whom you would love to have a private breakfast or lunch with, and why? He or she might just see this, especially if we tag them. 🙂
A Canadian businessman by the name of Bruce Poon Tip. Bruce is the founder of G Adventures, a travel company he founded back in 1990 as a one man show, and has since grown to employ over 2200 people in 28 offices around the world. I got a chance to read his book, and always thought it would be dope to connect at some point.
I also have spent time understanding and communicating a little known but important part of differences in human brains. The hardwired differences that often lead to mental health struggles are also part and parcel of the differences that lead to potential for extraordinary strengths. Many of the world’s most astonishing geniuses also struggled with a mental health issue. Without these hardwired brain differences, we as a society would likely have missed out on incredible people who changed the fields of art, music, science, writing, etc. so rather than stigmatizing these issues we should see both the downside yet upside of difference. We should be treating the struggle and lauding the strength.
As a part of my series about “Mental Health Champions” helping to normalize the focus on mental wellness, I had the pleasure to interview Dr. Gail Saltz, an Associate Professor of Psychiatry at the NY Presbyterian Hospital Weill-Cornell School of medicine and a psychoanalyst with the New York Psychoanalytic Institute. She is best known for her work as a relationship, family, emotional wellbeing, and mental health/wellness contributor in the media and frequently shares her expertise and advice in print, online, on television and radio. She is a bestselling author of numerous books and the go-to expert on a variety of important psychological issues, as well as the Chair of the 92nd Street Y “7 Days of Genius” Advisory Committee. She also serves as a Medial Expert for the Physicians for Human Rights. Her newest book, The Power of Different: The Link Between Disorder and Genius, was released in March 2017. Dr. Saltz has a private practice in Manhattan.
Thank you so much for joining us for my series about “Mental Health Champions” helping to normalize the focus on mental wellness. Can you tell us the “backstory” about what brought you to this specific career path?
I was doing my residency in internal medicine when I realized that I found that patients mental health status had more of an impact on their physical health and wellbeing more than almost anything else. My fascination with the mind and realization that we still had much to learn in the field of psychiatry propelled my decision to switch into psychiatry. Making this change elicited an interesting reaction from many people in my world including many colleagues in internal medicine, one of surprise I would want to do something so stigmatized. As I moved along in my training I noted that this pervasive stigma surrounding anything to do with mental health is often what kept people who really needed help from seeking it. In fact, it was the number one reason people struggling did not get care. As a mental health professional I thought one of the most important contributions I could make would be to do everything possible to diminish this stigma and help everyone to understand that psychiatric illness is like any other illness, that they have a biology and require treatment because they are not just something one can “stop doing” and that actually the health of your mind is perhaps the most important and least shameful path to pursue. This is when I embarked on the road of public education via writing, the media, etc., because of course knowledge is power and understanding allows the change of perception.
According to Mental Health America’s report, over 44 million Americans have a mental health condition. Yet there’s still a stigma about mental illness. Can you share a few reasons you think this is so?
The stigma arises from the days when mental illness was not understood at all and the behaviors and feelings associated with especially severe mental illness were both frightening to the affected person but also to those around them. Patients were subjected to horrible “treatments” that were more like torture and they were locked away to prevent others from knowing that the family had a relative with mental illness. In those days patients did not get better often enough because of course they weren’t being treated and so illness was often a life sentence that impaired that person’s ability to be a productive member of society. The stigma, shame and shunning came from the terror of yourself or anyone you love being affected and the desire to hide or push away any reminder this could happen to defend against the fear that it could. The stigma also came from the mystery of what was causing the problem and the blame on a person’s character or very essence. Again, this was a way of telling yourself it wouldn’t happen to you or your loved one because you were a good person or a strong person. The stigma also comes from the fact that our brains really are our most important, but complex and least understood organ, and this mystery which can so devastate a life remains very frightening to many people, fear breeds stigma.
Can you tell our readers about how you are helping to de-stigmatize the focus on mental wellness?
One way I have worked to de-stigmatize mental health issues is through education. By understanding both the biology and psychology of illness, difference and treatment it demystifies and makes accessible what is really going on and how one can get help. I also work to help people become more self-aware of the signs and symptoms of problems, because issues caught earlier are more easily treated. I also try to help others understand that the reasons people feel and behave the way they do has a lot to do with how well they understand their own minds, and that there are many things we all can be doing preventively to take care of our own minds.
I also have spent time understanding and communicating a little known but important part of differences in human brains. The hardwired differences that often lead to mental health struggles are also part and parcel of the differences that lead to potential for extraordinary strengths. Many of the world’s most astonishing geniuses also struggled with a mental health issue. Without these hardwired brain differences, we as a society would likely have missed out on incredible people who changed the fields of art, music, science, writing, etc. so rather than stigmatizing these issues we should see both the downside yet upside of difference. We should be treating the struggle and lauding the strength.
I do these things via writing books, giving talks, speaking to the news, podcasts, etc.
Was there a story behind why you decided to launch this initiative?
The reason I decided to write “The Power of Different: The Link Between Disorder and Genius” which explains the science behind this link, is because over my many years in practice I saw this frequently, patients suffering, but also with incredible strengths. I also host a series at the 92nd street Y about Geniuses of the past and what makes them tick. I found after years of doing this that almost everyone had a mental health issue! I have long been interested in the topic of genius, my brother is a Nobel prize winning astrophysicist, so I grew up with a genius. But most people think that it be a genius means you have high IQ and no issues. They don’t understand that this may or often enough, may not, be the case. The public is so stigmatizing about mental health problems I thought that understanding this connection might shift the perspective on mental health issues in general.
In your experience, what should a) individuals b) society, and c) the government do to better support people suffering from mental illness?
Share your story. First off talking to others helps you, but it also helps others who then feel less alone with their own issues. Close to half of us will have a mental health diagnosis of some sort at some time, and yet people feel they are alone and therefore embarrassed. The more clear how common these issues are the less embarrassing they will be. Also, seek help early. The earlier in any process one gets help the quicker you tend to respond and the more suffering you avoid. In addition, earlier treatment often diminishes the chance at relapse later. Know the signs of mental health issues so you can spot and inquire of those around you. Asking someone if they are hurting and helping them get help can make a huge difference and even save a life.
Society can definitely alter the perception of mental illness. Society can be more inclusive and more supportive. Society can make changes to educational systems in order to spot and help children who are experiencing differences and struggling. This is very important because many, many mental health diagnoses start in childhood. Society can recognize that depression, for example, is the number one source of disability in this country and causes the loss of millions and millions of dollars in lost productivity. Meaning mental health issues take a real human and economic toll. As a society we should therefore be more proactive about research in mental health and treatment. Mental health care still remains the step child of medical care with many people unable to access this care.
The government needs to prioritize mental health research and care. As of now very, very few dollars are spent on mental health research and yet an increase in suicide as a cause of death along with opioid deaths account for the reason for the first time life expectancy has dropped in this country. Medicare and Medicaid pay the least to mental health professions, compared to other types of medical care, a reflection of how little it is valued. Without further research, treatment options will remain limited.
What are your 6 strategies you use to promote your own wellbeing and mental wellness? Can you please give a story or example for each?
As a psychoanalyst too, I had to undergo my own personal training psychoanalysis which I found to be invaluable to my own mental health. Everyone can benefit from psychotherapy.
Exercise. I do some form of aerobic exercise multiple times per week. Exercise has been shown to improve mood and decrease anxiety. I run, do the elliptical, lift weights.
I have date nights with my husband. We both work hard and raised three daughters but always made time for weekly date nights, just the two of us to really talk, connect and play together. Our connection is a huge source of happiness and support for each other.
I talk a lot! Expressing my feelings and sharing my thoughts, connecting with others especially my daughters and friends makes a huge difference to me. I also talk to myself a lot, reminding myself when my anxiety is rising that it may just be my anxiety rather than a true danger signal and to do something relaxing to help me center.
I practice gratitude. I try to remind myself each day of three things for which I am grateful in my life, they may be big or small. The practice of regular gratitude is shown to be important in perspective and mood.
I have a stash of relaxation techniques. Deep breathing, muscle relaxation, visual imagery are tools I use off and on to relax my body and my mind. This interruption of anxiety with relaxation is useful for me and helps me to feel comfortable and calmer.
Women Leading The Blockchain Revolution: “The only way forward is to innovate, take risks and to reach out when you need help.” with Visakha Thongphetsavong
The nexus of class, gender and race together make the Blockchain Industry out of reach for a lot of us. The only way forward is to innovate, take risks and to reach out when you need help. In the end, we are all human being, and we all love to help.
I had the pleasure of interviewing Visakha Thongphetsavong. Visakha worked as an Associate Investment Banker for Credit Suisse in the financial hubs of Zürich and London. Passionate for innovation and new technology, she decided to exit the Banking industry and found various startups before joining Alexi Lane, the Founder and CEO of Everex and his blockchain venture. Visakha is currently leading the organization’s global business development plan and Marketing Team as Chief Business Development and Marketing Officer. Her previous experiences in setting up businesses from scratch, coupled with her professional background as a former trader for Credit Suisse and Crypto Trading since 2013, make her an esteemed executive member. She is part of the few young women executive members in the blockchain industry having led a successful token sale of $26 million.
Thank you so much for doing this with us! Can you share with us the story of how you decided to pursue this career path? What lessons can others learn from your story?
Having graduated with a Master degree in Financial Engineering, I started off with the Banking sector. But after some time, I actually needed more challenge. So, I took the risk to start my own venture in a totally different field.
I have learned how important it is to always keep trying and not to lose hope.
Things might or might not happen for a reason. But if we are patient, great things will come our way.
Can you tell me about the most interesting projects you are working on now?
I’m really excited to be currently leading a new offering that we, at Everex, have for the global crypto community. I can’t reveal much about it. But stay tuned for the announcement coming out soon.
None of us are able to achieve success without some help along the way. Is there a particular person who you are grateful towards who helped get you to where you are?
My CEO, Alexi Lane — one of the top blockchain influencers.
He is a great leader and visionary. Without his trust, I, a woman of color in tech, wouldn’t be here today. He provides me with the right tools to push the company forward. And together we are making it happen.
What are the things that most excite you about blockchain and crypto? Why?
The allure of Blockchain technology is that it is still evolving. When Bitcoin and blockchain first came up, people called it a scam. But today, more and more institutions are jumping on board to harness the potential of the underlying technology.
From art, real estate to supply chain management, I’m really excited to know what the future of the blockchain has in store.
What are the things worry you about blockchain and crypto? Why?
The lack of public knowledge about Blockchain concerns me a lot. It manifests itself in apprehensions about the technology and excessive government regulations.
People need to understand that the surprises a new technology can bring, might not necessarily be an unpleasant one, as it can change the way we live for the best.
How have you used your success to bring goodness to the world? Can you share a story?
We are making it happen by helping the migrant workers in transferring their hard-earned money back home to their families. Our aim is to maximize financial inclusion, and bring more and more people within the circuit of accessible financial services.
As you know, there are not a lot of people of color in the tech sector. Can you share things that you would advise to other men and women of color in the tech space to thrive?
What keep me going is — Passion. Just follow your heart and take the leap of faith. But within the purview of reason.
Work hard and give it your all. By taking risks, there are no regrets; only lessons. And in my experience, failure is a better teacher than success can ever be.
And it is never too late to start trying.
Can you advise what is needed to engage more men and women of color into the blockchain industry?
It’s not as simple as that. The nexus of class, gender and race together make the Blockchain Industry out of reach for a lot of us. The only way forward is to innovate, take risks and to reach out when you need help. In the end, we are all human being, and we all love to help.
What is your favorite “Life Lesson Quote”? Can you share a story of how that had relevance to your own life?
My best life lesson quote is from William Shakespeare: “It is not in the stars to hold our destiny but in ourselves”. Because it is only in those tough moments of decision that you create your destiny. And believe me, it will not be easy at all. Much more important than the failure or success, is the experience you gain.
I thought for a long time before giving up on the success and expertise I have gained from the banking industry. But I realized in the end, it all comes down to your sense of security — financial and otherwise.
It is only after I broke out of my comfort zone that I discovered that my happiness lied in me giving in to creativity and innovation. So, I took the risk and started my own venture.
Even though my startup technically failed, it gave me the chance to learn from my mistakes, and to be where I am today.
So, no regrets there. I am very proud of what I have made of my life.
You are a person of great influence. If you could start a movement that would bring the most amount of good to the most amount of people, what would that be? You never know what your idea can trigger. 🙂
There is something we are currently working on — enhancing financial inclusion of the 2 billion underbanked population so they can finally have access to financial services.
How can our readers follow you on social media?
We do publish a couple of blog posts on our website: www.everex.io
Women in STEM: “We’ve found that it’s crucial employees feel empowered to bring their true selves to work, are given the autonomy to make bold decisions, and feel supported and challenged along the way.” with Bethany Parker and Fotis Georgiadis
I believe organizations have the responsibility to change workplace cultures and one of the first places to start is finding ways to empower your employees. At Xero, we’ve found that it’s crucial employees feel empowered to bring their true selves to work, are given the autonomy to make bold decisions, and feel supported and challenged along the way. That’s why we celebrate our successes as a team and make sure to call people out to let them know about a job well done. Recognition can mean different things to different people, but these celebrations are an important way for companies to foster supportive workplaces. Similarly, if companies make mistakes, fostering a transparent environment to discuss key learnings helps employees feel informed about the decision-making process. Doing so will help encourage innovation across the entire team and create a people-centric workplace.
I had the pleasure of interviewing Bethany Parker, the Vice President of Operations for Xero in the Americas. Xero is a born in-the-cloud global online platform for small businesses and their advisors. Bethany is responsible for the end-to-end customer lifecycle, from activation to training and ongoing satisfaction and retention. Bethany’s team provides operational support, program management, and drives performance optimization so that the business can thrive.
Thank you so much for doing this with us! Can you tell us a story about what brought you to this specific career path?
Prior to joining Xero, I spent 18 years in financial services across a variety of disciplines including finance, operations, franchise development, and customer experience. It was quite the journey and after my last job, I decided to take off time to be with my family. While backpacking in Europe, I received a call from Xero. This particular role had so much relatability to what I had done for the last 18 years, so I was excited by the prospects. And, many people in my family are small business owners, which made me personally invested in seeing how Xero could be a trailblazer in changing the game for small businesses.
Can you share the most interesting story that happened to you since you began leading your company?
When I first joined Xero, I experienced a “company-culture shock” because Xero was so fundamentally different from everything I had been a part of for the past 18 years. I had been in a very traditional industry and company and was now pivoting to a unique, fun, and exciting culture. Like anyone joining a new company, I went through an adjustment period. But, what stood out to me during this time is how truly #human Xero’s culture is. When I checked in with others, they were honest, approachable, and listened. Seeing that side from others I worked with really helped me during this transitional period and made me excited about the possibilities that were ahead.
Are you working on any exciting projects now? How do you think that will help people?
At Xero, we’re hard at work building a platform that delivers leading-edge, data-driven technology on behalf of small businesses and their advisors. Xero’s cloud accounting technology improves the accuracy of data and automatically surfaces deep insights for small businesses and their advisors, creating a new era of possibilities and success. These breakthrough solutions will help small businesses and their advisors tackle the biggest financial challenges like getting paid faster, accessing a loan when it’s needed, or getting a real-time view of their cash-flow position. And, as Xero increasingly automates data entry tasks, small businesses and their advisors can focus on making sense of their data instead of collecting it.
Ok, lets jump to the main part of our interview. According to this study cited in Forbes, more than half of the US workforce is unhappy. Why do you think that number is so high?
I think one of the biggest reasons why we see so many unhappy workers out there is because companies go through different phases of growth and have trouble retaining the company culture that made it successful in the first place. As companies find themselves growing, culture needs to remain a top priority to ensure your employees are thriving and that you’re preserving the unique way of work your company believes in. Fostering a community mindset and promoting a strong culture will dictate how employees can flourish at work and as humans.
Additionally, I believe workplaces that promote a culture of openness help foster an environment where employees are free to be themselves and can develop relationships based on camaraderie, rather than competition. Many unhappy workers might find themselves in hierarchical organizations, where people can feel uncomfortable with the lack of transparency from leaders or not knowing why the company is making certain decisions. If you operate your team with a flat structure and culture of transparency, teams will benefit from being able to make human connections and being able to operate towards the larger mission or purpose at hand.
Based on your experience or research, how do you think an unhappy workforce will impact a) company productivity b) company profitability c) and employee health and wellbeing?
Throughout my career, I’ve seen the impact of a negative workforce on employee health and wellbeing as well as company productivity and profitability. Unhappy employees can experience workplace stress due to a variety of factors — including work-related or home-related issues. If organizations aren’t addressing how mental health affects our work, relationships, productivity, or family life, we are doing a disservice to our employees. As leaders, we need to set an example by making sure it’s completely okay to talk about mental health issues in the workplace since that directly impacts employee health and wellbeing. We still have a long way to go, but the more we talk about it and create environments where anyone who’s struggling can open up and get help, the better off our workplaces and society will be. Research has found that one in five Americans have a mental health condition, and 40 percent of American workers describe their jobs as “very stressful.” In addition to the human toll of mental health, there is also a real economic impact — a World Health Organization-led study estimates that depression and anxiety costs the global economy $1 trillion annually in lost productivity.
At Xero, we recognize the significance of mental wellness on employees’ health and productivity, so that’s why we announced changes to our Wellness Leave policy last year. Under this new policy, our staff can take time off for their own personal wellbeing, in addition to time off for physical or mental illness or when a family member requires care. We’ve felt the impact of wellness in the workplace both from the perspective of our employees and from the vantage point of our millions of small business and accountant customers, and strive to create work environments that are supportive and productive. To be a profitable business, supporting the total wellness of our people is an essential component of running our company.
Can you share 5 things that managers and executives should be doing to improve their company work culture? Can you give a personal story or example for each?
Absolutely, here are five things that have worked at my company Xero, that managers and executives can do to improve their work cultures:
1. Stay rooted in deep customer empathy. At Xero, we’ve found that the best way to work is in a compassionate, “human” way where we can deliver intuitive and “beautiful” experiences to our customers. This is particularly important for Xero as an innovative tech company creating products that change the way work is done. We recognize that our responsibility doesn’t end once we’ve shipped a new feature. In fact, that’s just the beginning of our most important job, which is to work alongside our customers to ensure our products and services are having a positive impact on the way they work.
2. Be ruthless about your hiring practices. Hiring the right people is about much more than skills, qualifications and experience. We look at what a candidate has achieved, along with how they achieved it in order to evaluate whether they are a natural fit with our core values. We will quickly turn down even the most extraordinarily talented candidate if the interview process reveals a mismatch with our culture. There’s no room for any so-called “brilliant jerks” on our team.
3. Embed values into everything your organization does. We believe hiring people with the right mindset is only the beginning. For values to resonate, they need to be reinforced through everything your company does. Just as business results are incentivized and rewarded, so too should employees realize tangible benefits for modeling the way when it comes to company culture. For example, at Xero, we recently launched a program called “Praise,” which encourages employees to nominate their colleagues for recognition based on work that embodies the best of our core values.
4. Ensure decision-making remains flat. One of the best ways to ensure that things are done in a “beautiful” and “human” way is to empower our employees to make decisions. At Xero, we take ownership over our individual roles and as a company to truly change the accounting industry. This means we make decisions that deliver on our commitment to customers and have clear accountability for our work. However, the reality for many large companies with thousands of employees is that decision making becomes bureaucratic, with layers of approvals separating front-line workers from the people accountable for decisions. We work hard to eliminate these layers so that everyone is connected to customers and, therefore, feels the impact of company decisions. Everyone at Xero operates with this #ownership value in mind, so we can deliver results and on our promise to small businesses.
5. Communicate transparently and consistently. It’s easy to assume that employees will absorb company culture. But, we’ve found it’s absolutely vital to communicate our values and cultural expectations in a very tangible way. For example, we list our values on our website, broadcast them to prospective employees on our jobs portal and include them in company meetings like our bi-weekly all hands. This is a very deliberate effort to show employees, customers, and stakeholders that everything that we do as a company is rooted in our values. If we can’t show how an initiative links back to one of our core beliefs, then we shouldn’t be doing it.
It’s very nice to suggest ideas, but it seems like we have to “change the culture regarding work culture”. What can we do as a society to make a broader change in the US workforce’s work culture?
I believe organizations have the responsibility to change workplace cultures and one of the first places to start is finding ways to empower your employees. At Xero, we’ve found that it’s crucial employees feel empowered to bring their true selves to work, are given the autonomy to make bold decisions, and feel supported and challenged along the way. That’s why we celebrate our successes as a team and make sure to call people out to let them know about a job well done. Recognition can mean different things to different people, but these celebrations are an important way for companies to foster supportive workplaces. Similarly, if companies make mistakes, fostering a transparent environment to discuss key learnings helps employees feel informed about the decision-making process. Doing so will help encourage innovation across the entire team and create a people-centric workplace.
At Xero, we’re proud to be a mission-driven organization. We put our company values and beliefs into practice every day and communicate these frequently with our employees from the top-down. To foster this environment, we’ve found that all-hands meetings or “ask me anything” sessions have been effective in communicating our values and strategy and ensuring everyone at the company feels invested in our mission and purpose. I also believe that when it comes to company culture, there’s always room for even the best companies to improve. That’s why we use Officevibes surveys to help measure and improve employee engagement and gather anonymous feedback. While this might seem like a simple thing for an organization to do, it provides immediate insight into things you can do to address employee concerns.
How would you describe your leadership or management style? Can you give us a few examples?
My management style is grounded in taking a human approach to being a leader. Being #human is a core company value at Xero and it means we’re open and honest, approachable, and committed to our team and customers so we can get things done and go the extra mile. I also believe humility is the key to establishing a strong team environment that’s built on trust. As leaders, we know it’s important to be present, listen, and treat others with respect and set this example from the top down. For instance, at Xero, no one has their own office. Leaders sit in the middle of the office with everyone else so people can walk right up to talk or ask questions. When there is as little hierarchy as possible, it’s easy for people to feel more like they’re part of a team. At Xero, we also provide our employees with the flexibility and trust so if they need to take a work-from-home day to pick up or drop their kids off at school, they have that option. These resources are important for empowering our employees and ensuring they can do the best work of their lives.
None of us are able to achieve success without some help along the way. Is there a particular person who you are grateful towards who helped get you to where you are? Can you share a story about that?
My mother-in-law was a force of nature who did everything through a lens of positivity and inspires me on a daily basis. Throughout my career, she helped me build resilience and the ability to cope, which is something I appreciate so much. I’m forever grateful to her for giving me that ability because it’s given me new perspective anytime I face a challenge. Sadly, she passed away a few years ago, but even in her final days she remained so positive on what was happening in our lives. She had such a new and thoughtful perspective that has helped shape my views of the world.
How have you used your success to bring goodness to the world?
In the workplace, I believe there’s a huge opportunity to support and encourage females to become the next generation of leaders. Early on in my career when I was in financial services, I always felt like I needed to look, act, and be exactly like the companies I was a part of. At some point, I realized I needed to stop doing that because it was holding me back and I was spending too much time and energy trying to fit in. Now as a leader, it’s my job to set an example and encourage others to dream big in their own careers. We need to empower female leaders to feel confident about being who they truly are and remove any pressures they might face to conform. Doing so will empower the next generation of female leaders to be bold and unlock their capacity to bring new ideas and perspectives to the table.
Can you please give us your favorite “Life Lesson Quote”? Can you share how that was relevant to you in your life?
My favorite life lesson quote is from my mother-in-law, “Promise yourself to be too large for worry, too noble for fear, and too happy to permit the presence of trouble.” This is a quote that inspires me as a leader and how I go about setting an example for everyone that I work with. While my job is to drive operational excellence at Xero, I also know that I can use my role to empower the next generation of leaders. If we act in the ways described in this quote, we can reset the playing field for everyone involved.
You are a person of great influence. If you could inspire a movement that would bring the most amount of good to the most amount of people, what would that be? You never know what your idea can trigger. 🙂
I would love to see more workplaces creating diverse and inclusive environments where everyone feels like they belong and that their voice will be heard. Sometimes we operate in environments where we aren’t even aware of the day-to-day systems in place that might be producing a bias or preventing others from bringing their true selves to work. People then bring these assumptions into the workplace and if we don’t think these through, it’s harmful towards creating a diverse and inclusive environment. As part of this movement, I’d want people to become more conscientious of these systems in place so we can change the norms and ensure we all achieve balance and belonging in the workplace.
Talkspace Founders Roni and Oren Frank: “If we all shared the fact that we struggle from time to time, we would help create more visibility for these issues.”
It’s a great question and one that definitely doesn’t have a singular, simple answer. Individuals need to be proactive and reach out to others for support as soon as they feel the need. Early intervention is critical. But in order for individuals to feel comfortable enough to do this, we need to cultivate safe spaces for them, which requires a collective effort to reduce stigma around mental health. If, for example, we all shared the fact that we struggle from time to time, we would help create more visibility for these issues. This, in turn, would lessen stigma.
Oren Frank is a Co-Founder and the CEO of Talkspace, the leading online and mobile psychotherapy company that has made therapy accessible and affordable to people across the globe. In a day and age when mental health care is recognized as a global societal crisis, the effectiveness and convenience Talkspace provides to those seeking to improve their mental health and well-being stands out. Under Oren’s leadership, Talkspace has so far helped more than 500,000 clients connect with licensed therapists — the vast majority of whom did not have access to help prior to using Talkspace. As an avid believer in the power of innovation and technology to better society, Oren founded Talkspace with his wife Roniin 2012, with the vision of “Therapy for all.” After experiencing the benefits of couples therapy earlier in their marriage, they launched Talkspace with the strong belief that mental health care is a moral right, and everyone should have access to the support and value psychotherapy provides whenever the need or want arises. Prior to Talkspace, Oren was a successful senior marketing and advertising executive, mostly with McCann Erickson WorldWide, where he was recognized as a progressive creative strategist, and one of the leading voices in the new media-marketing world. Oren maintains that Talkspace helps him redeem and repent for his years spent in advertising.
Roni Frank is a Co-Founder of Talkspace, an online therapy platform and mobile app that connect clients directly with licensed therapists anytime and anywhere. Roni, who serves as Head of Clinical Services, is leading the company’s provider network of more than 1,500 therapists and responsible for quality of clinical service and therapist network growth. Roni is committed to open access to mental health care for every person in need. Roni and her husband co-founded Talkspace in 2012, while she was pursuing her Master’s degree in Psychoanalysis and Psychotherapy at the New York Graduate School of Psychoanalysis. Roni earned her degree in 2013. Before co-founding Talkspace, Roni was a software developer at Amdocs, a leading software and services provider to communications and media companies. Roni also received a Bachelor’s degree in Computer Science from the Interdisciplinary Center in Herzliya, Israel, in 2000.
Thank you so much for joining us Oren and Roni! Can you tell us the “backstory” about what brought you to this specific career path?
Roni Frank:
Before Talkspace, I worked as a software developer for about 6 years. I had graduated with a degree in computer science, and though I was lucky to be in a field with nearly infinite job opportunities, I wasn’t happy with my work. At the time, my husband, Oren, and I were experiencing a crisis in our marriage that landed us in couples therapy. The experience was life changing: I felt something awaken in me. It inspired me to leave my job as a developer, go back to graduate school to study psychology.
It was during my studies that I realized how broken our mental health system is: 1 in 5 Americans suffer from mental health issues each year — that’s roughly 50 million people. Yet 70% of those people aren’t able to access treatment. I was overwhelmed by these figures, and immediately felt compelled to be a part of the solution to the problem.
Oren and I began discussing these issues and realized that technology could help address and remove some of the biggest barriers for mental health care, such as: cost, access and stigma.. We both felt passionate about fixing the gap and this is how the vision of Talkspace was born.
Oren Frank
Following a relationship crisis, my spouse and I went to couples therapy and completely fell in love with psychotherapy. We ended up staying married, had two daughters — I continued therapy for a very long while, and my wife actually left her previous profession and went on to study psychology.
My previous career (forgive my sins) was in advertising and marketing, and when I left it, I was looking for something meaningful, valuable, and that aligns with my beliefs — making therapy accessible for all was a new path, but a natural extension of my positive personal experience.
According to Mental Health America’s report, over 44 million Americans have a mental health condition. Yet there’s still a stigma about mental illness. Can you share a few reasons you think this is so?
Roni Frank
Absolutely. Stigma is one of the primary obstacles to seeking mental health treatment. It has deep roots, and has existed across time periods and cultures. For centuries, people suffering from mental illnesses were considered insane, “hysterical,” or “mad.” They were forced to live on the fringes of society, and were seen as deficient, disabled.
The media continues to play a major role in perpetuating this stereotype, often linking mental illness with violence, portraying people with mental health issues as dangerous, volatile, weak.
In general, there’s a profound lack of education and understanding around mental illness, which reinforces the stigma around it. People fear what they don’t understand.Our mental health is also invisible, which makes it easier to dismiss or brush aside. Since there is no blood test or MRI that can show us when something might be off balance with our mental health, many people are more inclined to “suck it up and deal.” This contributes to widespread confusion and to the continued existence of stigma.
Oren Frank:
Stigma is a complicated issue, driven by many factors and made of several “parts” that are not always well known. Much of it is driven by lack of knowledge and education about mental health conditions and treatments, and by our innate fear of having something wrong with our minds — with the way we think and feel — and unfortunately supported by negative and frightening depictions of mental health issues in our culture.
Stigma is obviously partly the unnecessary shame we feel in there being something wrong, and our concern about other people knowing we may suffer from a mental health issue. It is also a strong sense of intimidation, an awkwardness, and a worry of being judged associated with meeting a therapist or a psychiatrist (especially during the first sessions).
Many times we worry what our therapist thinks about us and our condition; do they like us, do they think it’s all our fault, that we deserved it, that they may see something in us that makes us vulnerable and not appealing. Such feelings and fears drive many people in need to not show up for their scheduled appointments or not complete a full treatment course.
Can you tell our readers about how you are helping to de-stigmatize the focus on mental wellness?
Roni Frank:
Stigma is very dangerous as it causes people to dismiss their challenges and suffer in silence. Part of our mission at Talkspace is to break the stigma around mental health by showing that mental health is a universal need, and that everyone struggles sometimes.
Last year, we had the pleasure of launching a partnership with world champion swimmer Michael Phelps as part of this effort. When we think of Michael Phelps, we think of this incredible athlete who is strong, masculine, and unstoppable — but when we hear his story we learn that he struggled with anxiety and depression. He realized he couldn’t do it alone and that he needed the help and support of a therapist. His story shows us that mental health issues do not discriminate; they do not care who you are, what you look like, where you come from, or how much money you have in the bank.
We know from clients, therapists, and the general public that Michael’s story was a powerful catalyst in allowing them to open up about their own mental health issues. In everything we do, our goal is to spark important conversations about mental health — whether it’s on our blog, social media, or at an event — we want to create a safe space for people to speak up and receive the support they deserve.
Oren Frank:
We believe that mental illnesses are just like any other conditions; if my foot is broken I’ll go see a physician, and it my heart is broken I need to see a therapist or a psychiatrist. I believe that treating this very matter-of-factly influences perceptions and helps overcome barriers to care.
My main focus, and the purpose and vision of Talkspace, is to get everyone to work with a professional therapist who is a great match for them, and complete a full treatment course. This is the best and fastest way to remove stigma and improve lives; people who went to therapy and received professional help become the best ambassadors for mental health care — they find incredible value in their experience and passionately share it with others.
Was there a story behind why you decided to launch this initiative?
Roni Frank:
The first service Talkspace offered was live video therapy, in which clients had the ability to schedule real-time video sessions. We quickly realized that users were not interested in this modality (initially surprising to us), and instead preferred to communicate with therapists via text messaging — without the need to schedule an appointment. They were looking for convenience and flexibility. We didn’t anticipate this finding, but it inspired us to revamp the model for online therapy we were creating, and move to text-based therapy. This experience was so powerful, and continues to remind us as a company to always pay attention to our users, and respond to their behaviors and preferences.
Oren Frank:
Building on Roni’s answer, when we researched therapy in the US, we found that only a fraction of people in need of help had access and could afford the time and money to complete a face-to-face treatment course. We thought to ourselves: “What would people in need feel if access to therapy was available for everyone?” “How would the world look like if 8 billion people had the support of a therapist?” (and much later on “Who would be our president if Trump’s parents and Trump himself saw a therapist?”). We then founded Talkspace, and got busy finding ways to remove as many of the barriers to entry that keep people from receiving help.
In your experience, what should a) individuals b) society, and c) the government do to better support people suffering from mental illness?
Roni Frank
It’s a great question and one that definitely doesn’t have a singular, simple answer. Individuals need to be proactive and reach out to others for support as soon as they feel the need. Early intervention is critical. But in order for individuals to feel comfortable enough to do this, we need to cultivate safe spaces for them, which requires a collective effort to reduce stigma around mental health. If, for example, we all shared the fact that we struggle from time to time, we would help create more visibility for these issues. This, in turn, would lessen stigma.
I touched on this before, but as a society, we need to educate ourselves (and our kids, teachers, government officials, and so on) about mental health issues and treatment options. I strongly believe mental health education should be included in school curriculum so that, as a society, we can develop awareness and knowledge early on.
I am also a firm believer that employers must provide mental health services for their employees. If you think about it, the majority of us spend more time at work than at home with friends or family. Cultivating a safe and healthy attitude around mental health in the workplace is crucial. Work is stressful and we all need help managing it. If our employers want productive, happy employees, they must help provide access to care.
I also believe that social media giants (Facebook, Instagram, Twitter) with their hundreds of millions of daily engaged users, need to wake up and address the rise of mental health issues that have become prevalent on and because of their platforms. They need to recognize the damage being done to our society, especially among teens and young adults. And, on top of that, they need to help provide access to mental health services.
Finally, it’s our firm belief that mental healthcare is a human right, not a privilege — the government needs to provide adequate funding.
Oren Frank:
The mental health epidemic is an extremely complex phenomena, and won’t be solved by any simple silver bullet. It is a problem that can’t be solved by only looking at one aspect of our world such as culture, nurture, genetics, biochemistry, neuroscience, politics, history, or data science.
The solution will take effort from all leaders and stakeholders, and will take time. The best way to accelerate this process dramatically is to make this a global research project — a good example would be the Human Genome Project (HGP) that was launched in the 90s.
A massive concentrated and integrated effort to understand the origins and nature of mental illnesses will likely yield a new understanding of the human condition and will potentially allow a new set of diagnoses and treatments.
What are your 6 strategies you use to promote your own wellbeing and mental wellness? Can you please give a story or example for each?
Roni Frank:
In the first years of the company, I didn’t leave enough time for myself to decompress. I was totally obsessed with my work. I didn’t eat well and hardly slept. At some point, I knew I needed to make a change, and I did. I learned how important it is for me, above all, to admit when I felt stress, anxiety, and depression — and to take care of myself. I believe this to be true for all entrepreneurs.
Practicing yoga has also been very helpful — I try to do it at least a few times a week
Another huge strategy I’ve had to learn — and continue practicing — is how to say “no.” For so long, I was in the habit of agreeing to do everything for others and overextending myself as a result. This was a fast-track to burnout.
Something else that has been key for me is accepting that building a company is not easy. Embracing the struggle has freed me from the stress of false expectations.
Finally, I’ve learned to deal with failures in a more constructive way. I’ve learned to recognize my mistakes as important steps in my growth and development.
Oren Frank:
Moderation in everything you do is key. Do everything, live in as many ways you can, but do not consume too much of any one thing. Sleep is incredibly important — I believe that if you sleep 7 hours every night, you’ll be far better equipped to deal with whatever life brings to your door.
Friends and family should always come before work and strangers, read plenty of books, take vacations, talk with your family, see movies and shows, travel, be kind to yourself and to others, and, whenever in doubt, see your therapist.
What are your favorite books, podcasts, or resources that inspire you to be a mental health champion?
Roni Frank:
My number one resource will always be the people around me and their stories — family, friends, colleagues or anyone else I connect with. I’m always trying to stay open and curious about people’s lives, their choices, their stories. This, to me, is a way to connect on a deeper level and to learn about about the human condition. I find it very stimulating, and it helps me grow both as a person and as business leader.
Some relevant resources:
● The Gift of Therapy, by Irvin Yalom
● Lost Connections: Uncovering the Real Causes of Depression — and the Unexpected Solutions, by Johann Hari
Lea Tarnowski: “When people get upset in high stress situations, ignore nasty comments, don’t take anything personally, do your job and move on.”
I’ve had many mentors along the way starting from school and my very first internship, to where I am now. These are people who have been with me since day one. One of my most memorable pieces of advice I’ve ever been given by a mentor is that when people get upset in high stress situations, you should let the noise go in one ear and out the other. Ignore nasty comments, don’t take anything personally, do your job and move on. Those outbursts have more to do with them than with you. So, observe and see what you can learn about the other individual from it.
I had the pleasure of interviewing Lea Tarnowski, the COO, president and co-founder of Averon. Lea has deep cross-domain experience as an accomplished investor in mobile, FinTech and consumer internet. She is a Harvard Business School graduate and holds MSc degrees from Stockholm School of Economics and HEC Paris. Lea has bridged financial services experience with technology leadership and is recognized for her distinguished leadership and inspiring work in making a positive impact in the financial services industry. She was recently named a finalist in the Banking Technology Awards’ Woman in Technology Leadership category as one of two ‘Highly Commended’ nominees among a field of thirteen extraordinary global executives. Lea’s career began with investment banking and private equity at Morgan Stanley, where she worked as chief of staff to the president and worked as an associate at McKinsey & Company. She has spent much of the last decade investing in technology companies at one of Europe’s leading venture capital funds, Northzone. While an investment director at Northzone, Lea focused on the FinTech, mobile and marketplace sectors, and led investments in companies such as Artfinder, Trust Pilot, and iZettle (acquired by Paypal for $2.2B). Lea enjoys participating in the World Economic Forum (WEF) community and often represents Averon at WEF gatherings at the Centre for the Fourth Industrial Revolution and beyond, speaking on topics related to product design, cybersecurity and creating a safer, happier digital world. She has served on a variety of corporate boards as well as the Board of SVCA, the Swedish Private Equity & Venture Capital Association. She is a Kauffman Fellow, an active mentor at various accelerators, and a Hybrid Reality Fellow. Lea has also enjoyed serving as a board member, advisor and angel investor, with a portfolio including Zetsy, Boosterfuels, and Qapital among others. Passionate about building mission-driven communities, including fostering trust in the digital world and mentoring women in technology, Lea is also a lifelong health enthusiast and continually exploring new paths in nutrition, fitness and performance hacking. Lea was born in Croatia, where she enjoyed most of her childhood, and later moved to Sweden, the UK and USA. Today, she happily resides with her family in San Francisco, where her rambunctious young daughter keeps her smiling bright every day.
Thank you so much for doing this with us! Can you tell us a story about what brought you to this specific career path?
I first became interested in technology while taking some time off during a sabbatical. During that period, I had no obligations or work to do, and I began to read up on what was happening in the tech industry and how it impacts our daily lives; basically, the human-technology interaction. I realized that this topic interested me ahead of any other, and it was the content I wanted to get deeper and deeper into.
Can you share the most interesting story that happened to you since you began leading your company?
A lovely story that comes to mind is my journey having my first child since joining Averon. During the time my beautiful daughter was born, Averon was in the midst of fundraising and a number of investors asked to meet me. Since I couldn’t leave home easily just after her arrival, I told all of them: “I would love to meet with all, but my daughter was just born so you would need to come to my home.” Without hesitation, they did! It was a wonderful experience since in the past it was common for new parents to be penalized in situations like that.
Can you share a story about the funniest mistake you made when you were first starting? Can you tell us what lesson you learned from that? (related to start of career)
I was working for the President of Morgan Stanley and a big board meeting was happening. I arrived just as everyone sat down. My chair was not well adjusted and had an awkward leaning forward angle. However, every time I tried to fix it, it made a terrible noise. So, not wanting to interfere with the flow of the conversation I sat there, awkwardly, until the first break. Lesson learned is to always arrive to meetings early, make sure everything is perfect and ideally even allow time for bonding with other attendees.
What do you think makes your company stand out? Can you share a story?
Security should be invisible; it should just work. What makes Averon shine is the fact it delivers both better security and user experience. Traditionally, you had to pick between either security or user experience — Averon fundamentally delivers stronger security and user experience by removing identification vulnerabilities at its core.
Are you working on any exciting new projects now? How do you think that will help people?
Averon is continually developing new products and technologies as we work to make the online world a safer place and provide better user experiences. We are expanding the reach of our Direct Autonomous Authentication (DAA) solution globally, so consumers never have to bother downloading security apps or hassling with SMS confirmation codes in the future.
What advice would you give to other female leaders to help their team to thrive?
Trust your team, observe how everyone delivers and adjust. One of the best advice I have gotten is that responsibility is taken, not given. Focus on hiring people who take ownership and responsibility yet are humble.
What advice would you give to other female leaders about the best way to manage a large team?
Be authentic in your style of leadership. As Oscar Wilde said, “be yourself, everyone else is taken”. Only you know what will work for you.
None of us are able to achieve success without some help along the way. Is there a particular person who you are grateful towards who helped get you to where you are? Can you share a story about that?
I’ve had many mentors along the way starting from school and my very first internship, to where I am now. These are people who have been with me since day one. One of my most memorable pieces of advice I’ve ever been given by a mentor is that when people get upset in high stress situations, you should let the noise go in one ear and out the other. Ignore nasty comments, don’t take anything personally, do your job and move on. Those outbursts have more to do with them than with you. So, observe and see what you can learn about the other individual from it.
How have you used your success to bring goodness to the world?
I am involved in the “Founders Pledge,” a commitment to donate a percent of proceeds to charity. Additionally, every company I’m involved with must have a project that positively impacts the world. Where you spend your time and money reflects the type of future you want to experience, support and build.
What are your “5 Leadership Lessons I Learned from My Experience” and why. (Please share a story or example for each.)
1) Be authentic in your leadership and trust your team
2) Listen more than you talk. (There is a reason you have two ears and one mouth.) Lead with love and compassion.
3) Give praise to others and take responsibility for yourself.
4) Stay positive in all situations. Embrace failures and manage setbacks.
5) Have a sense of humor. (Keep life in perspective)
You are a person of great influence. If you could inspire a movement that would bring the most amount of good to the most amount of people, what would that be? You never know what your idea can trigger.
I would like to encourage everyone to think long-term about creating a net positive outcome for the world before investing their time and money into something.
Can you please give us your favorite “Life Lesson Quote”? Can you share how that was relevant to you in your life?
“In life you regret the things you didn’t do, not the things you did.”
Some of the biggest names in Business, VC funding, Sports, and Entertainment read this column. Is there a person in the world, or in the US with whom you would love to have a private breakfast or lunch with, and why? He or she might just see this if we tag them.
Meet The Women of STEM: “Trust your passion and demand compassion from yourself and others.” with Vanessa Ogle and Fotis Georgiadis
Trust your passion and demand compassion from yourself and others. Listen to and trust in your heart to pick a direction, and then lead your team with that passion and compassion. For me, it is quite a transformation from having been labeled a “geek” and a “nerd” as a bad thing, to celebrating it with more than 60 patents, to having those inventions entertaining guests and protecting women and children across the country.
As a part of my series about strong female leaders, I had the pleasure of interviewing Vanessa Ogle, the founder and CEO of Enseo® — one of the fastest growing companies in America providing technology services to people places including hotels and schools. Vanessa is an executive expert and leader in digital entertainment, connected technology, digital safety and privacy, as well as a vocal advocate for digital accessibility in the education sector and other public places. She is a passionate innovator who has revolutionized industries with endeavors like being the first to bring Netflix® to hotel rooms and developing an employee safety system to protect hotel workers — which she then expanded further into schools. She currently holds 38 US patents to her name alone. Vanessa has been widely recognized for her outstanding leadership and contributions to technology by organizations including Tech Titans, Dallas Business Journal and Women President’s Organization, and has been featured on Bloomberg Radio, Fox Business and Yahoo Finance for her inventive, solution-based technologies. Under Vanessa’s leadership, Enseo has also earned acknowledgement as a company, having been named multiple times on the Inc. 5000, and ranked by Entrepreneur magazine as one of the Best Entrepreneurial Companies in America.
Thank you so much for doing this with us! Can you tell us a story about what brought you to this specific career path?
I was born into a family of inventors and entrepreneurs, so perhaps I was destined to find my own path in the business world. I made a living of creating technology for other people’s companies until one pivotal moment and support from a fellow woman in business.
When Enseo was much smaller than we are today, the CIO of a hotel chain heard about our technology and decided to take a chance: She allowed me a meeting! I ran with the opportunity, and she was thoroughly impressed by what we could do. Instead of keeping this information to herself, she invited me to meet another member of the senior executive team. Then another, and another.
From here on, each person I was introduced to at the company was impressed by the technology, but they didn’t quite believe it was possible. They each said, “You can’t do that.”
While in another meeting with another senior executive, one more person entered the room. After my presentation, he was the first to say, “You can’t do that.” I was finally fed up. I turned to this new arrival and said, “No, I can do this, but here perhaps you can’t. If you want help with this, let me know.” He smiled a great smile, turned, and left the way he came. The man I was meeting with said, “Well… That was my boss. The President.”
That company became our biggest customer.
A woman opened the door me, and people with an open mind trusted another woman, me, to deliver. We did just that. Now 84 Million guests have used Enseo in just the last 12 months. I get pictures of my remote from hotel rooms around the world almost every day, as my family and friends are happy to see a familiar face in their hotel rooms.
Can you share the most interesting story that happened to you since you began leading your company?
As an entrepreneurial founder & CEO, I’m used to doing things the way I want to and need to for the company to grow. Sometimes, that means approaching your board when you’re pregnant for the first time and telling them, “We need to build a nursery, because I don’t want to stop doing what I’m doing.” Other times, well…
Two days after having my second daughter, we had a big meeting with a very large technology company lined up. Twelve men had traveled all the way from Japan to meet with us in person. The morning of the meeting, I got a panicked call from the office: The Vice President of Sales, who was supposed to handle the meeting, was all the way in South Dakota. He hadn’t come in like he was supposed to. With no other choice, I called the nanny and we loaded up the car and my 2-day-old newborn, and we went to the office to have the meeting. When I entered the room, she was in a little pouch on my chest.
This particular meeting was very, very structured. When I told them, “We have to change the agenda for the day. We may have to take some unplanned breaks because I have a new boss,” I knew I was going against their expectations. Most of the people present had worked with me for years and knew that I do things a little differently, but one of them was new. This man wasn’t happy.
He was angry, in fact. He said, “I don’t understand. I thought you were the boss. I am only going to meet with the boss!” I said, “Yes, I am the boss of Enseo, but I have a new boss,” and I pulled the pouch down to reveal a tiny baby head. The room gasped in disbelief! And then he said, “I still don’t understand why you need to leave the room.”
I tried explaining to him, “She’s going to get hungry, and I’m going to have to feed her.” “Someone else can do that,” he insisted. I smiled, and tried again, and said, “No… She’s the baby; I am the food.” He got it that time. He bowed so fast in apology that he hit his forehead on the table, and he had a red mark for the rest of the meeting!
As women in business, sometimes we have to break the rules, sometimes we have to write new ones, and we can’t be afraid to do it when needed.
Can you share a story about the funniest mistake you made when you were first starting? Can you tell us what lesson you learned from that?
The WIN in technology is not the first to market. That can be a critical mistake. The most expensive mistake I ever made was creating the perfect technology for hotels that allowed cable companies to take their solution directly into a hotel room. It was brilliant! It worked, it was cheap, it was certified… and it had NETFLIX as well as cosmically fast bandwidth! And, no one was ready for it.
Technology that is too early is no better for the business as technology that is too late. The timing of technology has to be on the Goldilocks Schedule. Not too early, not too late — just right.
What do you think makes your company stand out? Can you share a story?
Hire great people and let them do their work. Create an environment where they have fun working together.
We have a band at Enseo made up of all employees, GEM. A real band — performances and everything. People from all areas of our organization get together and make music. We have a blast, and it is the great equalizer. I don’t know how many times the band has called me out for missing a line on a song or playing the wrong chord. My Chief Cultural Officer once looked at me at rehearsal and doubled over laughing saying, “You. Are. SO. Bad!” But at the end of the day, after fierce rehearsals and so much fun, we make music, make friends, and entertain ourselves and others.
Are you working on any exciting new projects now? How do you think that will help people?
I am currently launching the most exciting project of my career. MadeSafe is a technology that protects our most precious resources — our children. MadeSafe’s patented geolocation algorithm and cloud-based alerting system allows a teacher or student to press a button and be immediately located in a school.
In any emergency, be it an active shooter or a medical issue, first responders need one thing to save lives: information. MadeSafe delivers this in any age and any size school, regardless of the age or quality of the network. We have already deployed MadeSafe in hotels across the country to help protect housekeepers on the job, and now we are deploying it to K-12 schools.
I have been personally investing in this project for five years. It is now the right time to launch in order to keep housekeepers safe at their jobs as well as teachers and students safe in classrooms. The wellbeing of the country’s children is a critical matter for all of us.
What advice would you give to other female leaders to help their team to thrive?
Trust your passion and demand compassion from yourself and others. Listen to and trust in your heart to pick a direction, and then lead your team with that passion and compassion. For me, it is quite a transformation from having been labeled a “geek” and a “nerd” as a bad thing, to celebrating it with more than 60 patents, to having those inventions entertaining guests and protecting women and children across the country.
What advice would you give to other female leaders about the best way to manage a large team?
I had to recognize I was a leader worthy of following before I could actually lead. I choose to lead with transparency on mission and direction. The secret to my team today is brilliant talent who love to manage people. I set the direction and let them run their teams. I also host company meetings where I speak to the whole team and then have monthly coffee with any employee who wants to sit and join me (none of my direct reports allowed). That way, the door is always open, without politics, to great ideas, and we celebrate failure at all levels. Once we find an area of failure, it is an area to improve on and become exceptional.
None of us are able to achieve success without some help along the way. Is there a particular person who you are grateful towards who helped get you to where you are? Can you share a story about that?
My children have made Enseo what is it today. I could not have grown Enseo for the last two decades without them. My daughters have traveled with me around the world. While I was closing business, my children were playing in the world’s most beautiful parks and enjoying the best museums and aquariums the world has to offer (with me sneaking out for lunch, a hug, or a snuggle).
Then school started, and their world changed abruptly.
That first year of kindergarten, we had a conference that landed on a three-day weekend. My daughters celebrated being able to join me and insisted on having their own business cards. I grinned and asked what they thought their cards should read. Tears of joy filled my eyes as my precocious 5-year-old explained of course their cards should also read CEO, because that was my title and “You couldn’t do it without us, Mama”. I told the story to the team organizing the conference I was attending. The next morning, they had badges at the conference check in table that read CEO… Chief Executive Offspring. As a Mom and a CEO that is the biggest win of all. They knew I could not do it without them that my job was indeed “our job”.
How have you used your success to bring goodness to the world?
“To think, to do, to care” is our credo here at Enseo. We have created technology that helps save the earth and energy through IoT devices, and helps the world be a safer place for our students, teachers, and housekeepers with MadeSafe panic buttons and alert systems. But the real goodness we bring to the world is in educating and encouraging our children. These could be the hundreds of young people who have been interned at Enseo throughout the years, children who are encouraged to participate in STEM projects through the Robotics Teams we sponsor, the children who have school supplies and coats because Enseo charity initiatives, or the 200+ students of Enseo employees who have had their education paid for as part of our higher learning incentives.
What are your “5 Leadership Lessons I Learned From My Experience” and why. (Please share a story or example for each.)
1. Entrepreneurial Intuition: Listen and trust your heart. I cannot count how many times people told me my ideas were crazy. Now I have a wall full of US patents, and they are paying dividends to me, my team, and our customers.
2. Wisdom: Find people smarter than you to advise you. My advisors are women and men who have led successful careers, overcome incredible obstacles, and have more intellectual horsepower than I could even comprehend. Find them, beg them to share with you, and share with vulnerability, and then listen to their wisdom.
3. Lead with compassion. I think my hardest lesson to learn was that I was leading my team on purpose, not by accident. Once I stopped trying to convince people I was good enough for the job, I listened better and with more compassion.
4. Lead, follow, or get out of the way. If I have done my job of creating the best team possible, I need to let them do their work. If I provide direction, they will choose the best path.
5. Fail Fast. Celebrate innovation which inherently means failing fast to get to the right answer.
You are a person of great influence. If you could inspire a movement that would bring the most amount of good to the most amount of people, what would that be? You never know what your idea can trigger. 🙂
Be authentic mothers, sisters, and partners. I choose to have children. My girls came to the office with me every day until they went to school.
A movement I would like to inspire is to be courageously authentic.
Many of us started our careers and behaved like men to get our foot in the door. Now that we are in the door, we should be ourselves. As a mother, I put my children first. I read Harry Potter to my youngest’s classroom every Thursday morning, Enseo’s VP of Program Management leaves to take her daughter to dance, our CFO takes the late afternoons to take her children to cheer them on at soccer practices, and our in-house Council makes sure she has lunch at her children’s school every Friday. We are mothers first, and that makes us not just good at our jobs, it makes us GREAT at our jobs. It also allows us to leave the most valuable possible legacy… children who are loved, who grow up to be valuable members of society, who know they too, like their mamas, can be anything they want to be.
Can you please give us your favorite “Life Lesson Quote”? Can you share how that was relevant to you in your life?
Don’t be afraid to break the rules, but when it is time to break the rules, do it mindfully.
Just after 9/11, I took a day trip without my daughters. I was still nursing them at the time. I chose to smuggle breast milk in my bra through security. It was a risk… but liquid gold could not be poured down the drain! I have spoken recently about breaking unspoken rules at large corporations without knowing it. I wish I had access to a course of big company politics and how not to break the rules, or at least to know there are rules I was choosing to break. It would have made the customer relationship much easier to understand.
Some of the biggest names in Business, VC funding, Sports, and Entertainment read this column. Is there a person in the world, or in the US with whom you would love to have a private breakfast or lunch with, and why? He or she might just see this if we tag them 🙂
I would love to have lunch with Melinda Gates. I read a great article recently in which Bill Gates said he always does the dishes. Other people offer, he just likes the way he does them better. My husband does the same thing. I would love to get Melinda Gates’ opinion on how to best improve our children’s wellbeing in schools here in the US. My product is just the right technology, it must be paired with policies and procedures that complete the picture.
Meet The Women In STEM: “When you’re traveling, don’t just stay in the boardroom, you have the rest of your life to climb your way to the top.” with Rhonda Vetere and Fotis Georgiadis
When you’re traveling, don’t just stay in the boardroom, you have the rest of your life to climb your way to the top. I wish I could rewind and spend the time I devoted entirely to working, to actually experiencing what was just outside my hotel room. Get outside and actually see the world. Take weekend trips to neighboring places and soak it in. I wish I could rewind and make myself spend more time doing just that. Learn and live in the different places that make up the world, and truly embrace the culture. You’ll discover that those cultures, while different from your own, will begin to directly shape the woman you’re becoming.
As a part of my series about strong female leaders, I had the pleasure of interviewing Rhonda Vetere, a seasoned C-Suite technology icon, two-time author, mentor, speaker, and corporate athlete. A passionate leader in technology across industries, Rhonda has lived and worked internationally — in New York, Hong Kong, Singapore, London, Mumbai, and across India — and managed teams of more than 20,000 people and managed teams in over 162 countries. Rhonda is a change agent for digital transformation who has led the way for growth with more than 23 mergers and acquisitions at companies. She has worked in global executive positions at Estée Lauder Companies, AIG, HP Enterprise Services, Barclays / Lehman, Bank One / JPMorgan Chase, CompuServe, UUNET, MCI, and Worldcom. As an industry expert and influencer, Vetere has been a keynote speaker and panelist at many conferences and events, including the World Economic Forum in Davos, WIT (Women in Technology) Connect, Microsoft Global CIO Summit, Dell EMC World, and the U.S. Vice Presidential Candidate Debate. Rhonda has been recognized for her leadership and influence, notably with the 2019 Human Forward Award, in 2018 being the first female to run 55 miles through the Serengeti, and as a multi-year Top 100 CIO/CTO Executive Leader in STEM by STEMconnector. Rhonda was recently named “Top 50 Most Powerful Women in Technology,” and nominated “CIO of the Year” Award. Grit & Grind is Vetere’s second book — she is also the co-author of an HP special edition book, Enterprise Service Management for Dummies. An avid sports fan and real-world corporate athlete, Rhonda stays focused and sharp by competing in marathons and triathlons on a regular basis — over 70 events thus far, including triathlons, half-marathons, marathons, and IRONMAN 70.3 mile triathlons. She recently ran 55 miles in the Serengeti as part of a girls and women’s empowerment fundraiser: the first women-only run of its kind.
Thank you so much for doing this with us Rhonda! Can you tell us a story about what brought you to this specific career path?
I stumbled into technology accidentally. A manager, who ended up being a mentor saw certain skills that I possessed in change management and moved me into a technical role. This was an amazing opportunity and I always now look for folks who show potential across lines of business or even levels down and move them into roles that fit them.
Can you share a story about the funniest mistake you made when you were first starting? Can you tell us what lesson you learned from that?
My funniest mistake was not packing the right temperature clothes for where I was going early on in my career overseas. I learned, and now implement, one of my 10 guiding principles listed in my book, Grit & Grind: always be prepared. Know where you are going and prepare accordingly for the background, weather, politics, etc. Being prepared not only lines you up for success, but makes every aspect of travel, meetings, or anything in between easier.
Are you working on any exciting new projects now? How do you think that will help people?
I am really focused on giving back to others around the world. Going and speaking to individuals and groups on STEM, motivation, self-confidence, and career advice. I will be speaking to the girls of Tanzania again and running 55-miles in Africa and continuing my training to run, and complete 16 planned races this year including full marathons and IRONMAN 70.3.
I’m a firm believer that hearing from other influential or successful people in similar fields helps to gleam perspective and knowledge that an audience might not have considered before. I’ve never left a speech similar to what I’m doing now, and not felt encouraged.
I have recently joined ITPeopleNetwork’s CIO Advisory Board to help C-Suite executives through change management, digital transformation, and to create a high performance culture.
What advice would you give to other female leaders to help their team to thrive?
For young individuals I would tell them to set boundaries and make sure you are respectful of others time.As much as I preach on not allowing gender to set you apart in the work place, it’s imperative that as a woman you create concrete boundaries as a means of demanding respect. This is also crucial for structuring your personal life outside of the office. Having personal and family time set aside helps to build a stronger, more balanced person overall.
What advice would you give to other female leaders about the best way to manage a large team?
Be metrics driven. Results speak for everything. If a team doubts your capabilities upon first glance, having proven results helps you as a leader to alleviate doubt brought on by preconceived notions.
Furthermore, when building your team know the personalities you have, and hire complementary skill sets. Building a team of individuals who compliment each others working styles helps to create an atmosphere that can spur positive change.
None of us are able to achieve success without some help along the way. Is there a particular person who you are grateful towards who helped get you to where you are? Can you share a story about that?
My mentor who told me to learn to play golf in my twenties. I was told a lot of business was done on golf courses. Fast forward, I am now a member at Winged Foot Golf Club and enjoy everyone at the club!
How have you used your success to bring goodness to the world?
I bring goodness to the World by giving back to the USA Olympic Team as a trustee and believe in helping place athletes in the business world after their career in the Olympics. I mentor folks around the world and industry to help them in their career. Along with adopting orphans in India and speaking to youth in Africa, I am very focused on helping others.
In addition, I believe in helping college students make their curriculum choices and am one two Advisory Boards for colleges.
I’m on the Advisory Board for Miss Fashion Week. Miss Fashion Week is the first organization that bridges modeling with pageantry. We are also the very first organization that truly embraces diversity. We crown in five categories including petite, plus, runway, teen and international. Having inclusivity in all aspects of young women’s lives is essential. Through such we offer everyone a platform to pursue their passion while also promoting positive self-image, self-love, and self-confidence.
I spend time mentoring women globally, and I’m passionate about women supporting other women and lifting one another up. With this same belief, I’ve become passionate about STEM. I want to encourage young girls and women to find careers in this space, because there is so much opportunity.
In October 2018, I participated in the first-ever women-only run across the Serengeti wilderness as part of a fundraiser for female empowerment programs hosted by the Singita Grumeti Fund and BRAVE. The run aims to raise funds and awareness about the challenges facing girls and women living in nearby communities and seek sustainable solutions. On the first day, I spoke to a crowd of 400 local high school girls and then joined the other participating women for a solidarity ‘fun run’ with girls from the local community. For the Serengeti Run itself, I ran 30 km, 18 miles, each day for three days (for a total of 90 km, 55 miles), accompanied by the Singita Grumeti Fund anti-poaching scouts. While running, Rmyself and the team were able to witness the wildlife in the plains. I am going back next year to do it again and I’m looking for other ways to give back!
What are your “5 Leadership Lessons I Learned From My Experience” and why. (Please share a story or example for each.)
Start being mobile. Move outside of where you’re most comfortable and leave the United States. Starting living in multiple countries and experiencing as much of the world as possible. There is no line on the globe other than the equator, don’t allow any borders within your mind to keep you from seeing the world.
When you’re traveling, don’t just stay in the boardroom, you have the rest of your life to climb your way to the top. I wish I could rewind and spend the time I devoted entirely to working, to actually experiencing what was just outside my hotel room. Get outside and actually see the world. Take weekend trips to neighboring places and soak it in. I wish I could rewind and make myself spend more time doing just that. Learn and live in the different places that make up the world, and truly embrace the culture. You’ll discover that those cultures, while different from your own, will begin to directly shape the woman you’re becoming.
Learn to play golf early. You’ll find as you grow that so many of your best business conversations will happen on the golf course. Golf brings business to a space that feels friendlier. You have the ability to network with colleagues, senior leaders of management, and clients. Give yourself the opportunity to grow by learning new hobbies and pushing yourself as far as you can. Furthermore, know your elevator pitch. You will at some point be caught in an elevator with the CEO of your company. Be prepared to tell them who you are and what you’re working on. The goal is for them to leave, knowing who you are. And while you’re at it, dress for the job you want. You truly never know when an opportunity might present itself, so you better be dressed to impress at all times.
While you’re in what will be one of the busiest times of your life, don’t forget to slow down and enjoy where you’re at. It’s easy to throw yourself completely into work and forget to take care of yourself as a person. Take time separate from work to grow your mental and physical health as well. You won’t be of any use to anyone if you’re not mentally healthy. Pour time into developing those aspects of yourself as well.
Continue to be confident in everything you do. Believing in yourself and demanding that same level of respect from others, will take you far. Your success can only go as far as you believe you’re capable of. Push through to your dreams and don’t be afraid to ask for help if you need it along the way. You’ll witness so many others being afraid to pick up the phone and call to ask for help. Be unafraid and courageous.
You are a person of great influence. If you could inspire a movement that would bring the most amount of good to the most amount of people, what would that be? You never know what your idea can trigger. 🙂
My movement would be around ‘Leaning Out.’ This philosophy is all about leveraging the skills that you have and being focused and results driven. No need to focus on a gender, just be an executive, show up, and execute. Results provide all the information someone needs to know.
Can you please give us your favorite “Life Lesson Quote”? Can you share how that was relevant to you in your life?
“You can’t take care of your team if you are not taking care of yourself.” I am very passionate and make sure that my team takes care of themselves and maintains a healthy lifestyle. For me, training is so important and helps me with decision making.
Some of the biggest names in business, VC funding, sports, and entertainment read this column. Is there a person in the world, or in the US with whom you would love to have a private breakfast or lunch with, and why? He or she might just see this if we tag them 🙂
Since I am a sports fanatic, the NFL Commissioner would be at the top of the list.
“Historically, when we hear the words “mental health” we automatically think of “mental illness,” and that term has a lot of negative associations.” with Patty Boyd and Fotis Georgiadis
I think that, historically, when we hear the words “mental health” we automatically think of “mental illness,” and that term has a lot of negative associations. Mental illnesses can be difficult to treat, and many of us don’t have realistic expectations of what it takes to help someone feel better. It’s not like you can go to a doctor and have one treatment that makes everything better.
As a part of my series about “Mental Health Champions” helping to normalize the focus on mental wellness, I had the pleasure to interview Patty Boyd, RD, MPH, the Strategic Partnerships Manager at Tri-County Health Department near Denver, Colorado. As such, Patty oversees a coalition of 20 public and private health groups for the “Let’s Talk Colorado” campaign to reduce the stigma around seeking mental health care. Boyd earned a Bachelor of Science from Montana State University, completed a dietetic internship at Harvard University’s Beth Israel Hospital, and earned a Master’s Degree in Public Health from the University of California, Berkeley. Early in her career, she worked for Indian Health Services out of the Billings Office in Montana. Since living in Colorado, she spent many years in hospital administration with a focus on service line operations and has enjoyed the transition to public health. Boyd has policy experience is in the area of organ, tissue and eye donation and healthy eating/active living.
Thank you so much for joining us! Can you tell us the “backstory” about what brought you to this specific career path?
I actually didn’t choose mental health as a career path, it just sort of found me. All health departments in Colorado are required by law to work with our communities to identify important health priorities and develop a Public Health Improvement Plan. In 2013, as we were developing our Plan, our agency identified three areas of focus: obesity, access to healthcare and mental health, and 120 stakeholders from public and private health groups voted on which we should prioritize. The total was 2 to 1 in favor of working on mental health.
We didn’t even know where to land when we started, but as we got to work we realized the idea of tackling stigma was something everyone agreed was necessary. In public health, we do a lot of campaigns to raise awareness about communicable diseases- flu, hepatitis and so on. We realized we could approach the work as a “stigma busting” public awareness campaign and went from there.
So instead of it being a chosen career path, it just became my responsibility. I think it was actually helpful that I didn’t have a background in mental health, because I wasn’t rooted in any beliefs about the “right” way to address it. We didn’t have one psychiatrist or one therapist telling us “this is how you should be talking about mental health.” It allowed us to approach mental health and mental health stigma with an open mind and open eyes.
According to Mental Health America’s report, over 44 million Americans have a mental health condition. Yet there’s still a stigma about mental illness. Can you share a few reasons you think this is so?
I think that, historically, when we hear the words “mental health” we automatically think of “mental illness,” and that term has a lot of negative associations. Mental illnesses can be difficult to treat, and many of us don’t have realistic expectations of what it takes to help someone feel better. It’s not like you can go to a doctor and have one treatment that makes everything better.
Whenever I think about the stigma issue, I remember years ago when I broke my leg. I had no problem whatsoever telling any of my family or neighbors or coworkers how I broke it, how long I was in the hospital, how long my recovery would take or how much work I needed to miss.
I wonder if I would have been so open and willing to share if I had been in the hospital for a mental health issue. Would I have told anyone? Would I have shared those details? But I know that if I had, no one would have brought me a casserole.
Can you tell our readers about how you are helping to de-stigmatize the focus on mental wellness?
I’m a scientist at heart, so I like to be guided by data. With funding from the Colorado Health Foundation, we hired a social norming firm (the FrameWorks Institute in Washington D.C.) to study the impact of our messaging during the first year of the campaign, and we rely pretty heavily on their recommendations.
One of the most important things we do is emphasize that mental health is something we all have, and that we all are somewhere on the mental health spectrum — some days we’re on top of things and we feel good about life, other days we may be losing sleep about job issues or family problems and feel like it’s all too much. We all have good days, and we all have bad days when we need to talk to someone. It’s so important to spread that message, to let someone know they’re not alone when they’re struggling.
Another aspect we try to educate everyone about is that mental health really is a communal issue. In the mental health world, we run up against themes of individualism all the time, especially here in Colorado where the “cowboy” mentality is in our DNA.
When someone in your family is struggling, it affects everyone in the family. If someone you know has been struggling for a long time, and they get treatment and start feeling better, that has a positive effect on everyone around them. We’re all in this together.
Was there a story behind why you decided to launch this initiative?
Our funding comes through Colorado’s federally funded State Innovation Model grant, and it mandates that we focus specifically on stigma. The focus of the work we’ve been doing is the integration of mental health and physical health. We realized we need to help everyone understand how real stigma is. If we want people to seek help, if we want to move the needle and turn things around, we have to remove that barrier.
In your experience, what should a) individuals b) society, and c) the government do to better support people suffering from mental illness?
a. We have to really listen to others when they open up to us. A lot of the feedback we hear is that when someone who’s struggling does make the effort to reach out to someone, they don’t feel like they were really listened to, so if someone takes that step, just accept what they’re saying and let them know you hear them.
We also have to reach out to someone if we see that they just haven’t been themselves lately. Ask them if they’re OK, then keep asking. Someone may tell you “I’m fine” 99 times, but that 100th time they may finally let it out. Letting them know you care is critically important.
b. As a society we all have to be more thoughtful about how we portray mental health. Something the media often does that trickles down into our beliefs about mental health is the way shootings are always conflated with mental health. The reality is that anyone dealing with mental illness is far more likely to be a victim of violence than a perpetrator of violence. Yet every time there’s a mass shooting in this country we hear reporters and news anchors talking about the shooters’ mental health, and I think that does a great disservice in perpetuating the stigma associated with mental health treatment.
c. Local, state and federal governments, and employers, can do more to promote parity between how we cover physical health and mental health. Workplace wellness policies and insurance plans should cover mental health care treatment just as they cover employees’ physical health care. You get paid time off for an injury, it should be the same for mental health treatment.
What are your 6 strategies you use to promote your own wellbeing and mental wellness? Can you please give a story or example for each?
1. I quilt! I really value having some time for myself and I think too many people don’t prioritize that. It’s a way to remove myself from the realities of work, the news, or other potential stressors.
2. Volunteering. There’s a sense of connection you feel when you collaborate to help others. Volunteering gives me a sense of purpose and meaning I don’t get from any other activity.
3. Eating healthy. I try to choose healthy foods and avoid beating myself up when I indulge. I grew up on a farm, so I guess I’ve had an advantage there over some people, but evidence shows that eating healthier foods goes a long way to helping your mind feel better.
4. Exercise and staying active. Going for a walk isn’t the same as seeing a therapist, but it does clear the mind, and that burst of activity does a lot of good things for the brain, like stimulating endorphins.
5. When I am feeling down, I remember that I’m not alone. Everyone goes through periods of sadness or grief or times when we feel anxious about our lives. It isn’t always easy, but I remind myself that I have friends and family that have gone through the same things, and I reach out to them to talk.
6. I try to be mindful of the way I talk about my own mental health. I used to use words like “crazy” to describe when I was feeling a little unsettled, but since I’ve been involved in this work I realize that throwing those words around isn’t helpful, for those around me or for myself. Everyone is somewhere on the mental health spectrum and I try to focus on bridging those gaps rather than saying things that could reinforce stereotypes.
What are your favorite books, podcasts, or resources that inspire you to be a mental health champion?
I still remember reading “My Left Foot” by Christy Brown when I was in high school. It’s an autobiography — he was born with cerebral palsy in the 1930s and overcame incredible obstacles to become a successful painter. It wasn’t specifically about mental health, but it really made me aware of how each of us has our own struggles, our own challenges, and that you can never really know what someone is going through or feeling unless they tell you about it. It also made me realize how fortunate I was.
Thank you so much for these insights! This was so inspiring!
“Set aside time each day to focus on long range goals — don’t get caught putting out fires daily and lose focus/consideration of long range planning.” with MaryEllen Reider and Fotis Georgiadis
Focus on what matters. Set aside time each day to focus on long range goals — don’t get caught putting out fires daily and lose focus/consideration of long range planning. Once, I was told by a producer, “no one wants to talk about the pelvic floor and bladder leaks! It isn’t sexy enough.” I was really disappointed. My mom quickly reminded me that it was one person and there were millions of women who needed to be aware of this problem. She was right. There are so many other people to pitch to and care about this issue. Focus on the goal, not the obstacles.
As a part of my series about strong female leaders, I had the pleasure of interviewing MaryEllen Reider, the Co-Founder and Director of Marketing and Sales for YarlapÒ. MaryEllen Reider is the co-founder of Yarlap®, an American company that designs a unique FDA-cleared medical device for improving a women’s pelvic floor muscle tone. Yarlap® is disrupting women’s healthcare in a very personal way by providing women a way to improve their sexual wellness and bladder control at home.
Thank you so much for doing this with us! Can you tell us a story about what brought you to this specific career path?
Overseas or at home in the United States, I’ve learned information served with kindness can go a long way in making a true difference in people lives. Yarlap is the fusion of those ideals. We listen to the intensely personal concerns women have and provide information for them to make a decision. It’s a real solution that treats the cause, not the symptom and dose so in the privacy of a woman’s home without drugs or surgery.
Can you share the most interesting story that happened to you since you began leading your company?
Bladder leaks are a serious problem. It’s a timeless issue for women. It seems unbeatable. And is always the cause of heartbreak. It is a little like the dragon in folklore. The hero inside of each woman comes forth using the Yarlap to slay the dragon. Problem solved! Everyone gets it and loves it. It connects.
Can you share a story about the funniest mistake you made when you were first starting? Can you tell us what lesson you learned from that?
It’s a useful lesson. It reminds me of a scene in Monty Python’s Holy Grail. At the “Bridge of Death,” a menacing troll asks “Arthur King of the Britons” what is the airspeed velocity of an un-laden swallow. The King asks, “What do you mean, an African or European swallow?” The reply as a question instantly eliminated the hazard. Arthur remarks, it’s one of those things you must know.
Recently, I was asked a question about fruit oil as a personal lubricant. Much to everyone’s surprise, I knew that particular oil has insulating properties in its pure form and before I could answer, I needed to know its purity, The insulation properties of personal lubricants is just one of those things one must know in this business!
What do you think makes your company stand out? Can you share a story?
Our design team makes the devices used throughout Europe to regain pelvic floor wellness in woman. The Yarlap has five older sisters who have share all their wisdom to make her the best. Yarlap is winner of Women’s’ Health FemTech Award for sexual wellness. In addition, our design team includes an author and referee of peer review science and medical journals.
We came in with decades of knowledge and empathy. We didn’t wake up one morning and decide to make a cheap copy. If you’re going to put something in your most private part of your body, you want to make sure it is the best.
Are you working on any exciting new projects now? How do you think that will help people?
In AI technology, you have to look stand back and look at the situation. Its been very important to us to realize that perception is integral to action: build from the body out. We are doing some amazing things for men and women in muscle control. Muscle control is a performance hierarchy.
What advice would you give to other female leaders to help their team to thrive?
In my experience, men and women tend to see issues and opportunities in different, but in complementary ways. Pay attention to these differences and listen to all contributions carefully.
What advice would you give to other female leaders about the best way to manage a large team?
Listen to each individual and see them as unique to the solution. Everyone contributes to the whole.
None of us are able to achieve success without some help along the way. Is there a particular person who you are grateful towards who helped get you to where you are? Can you share a story about that?
My mom has always been a wonderful caregiver and an expert on Japanese folklore. She is calm and levelheaded. When I tend to zone in one small particular issue, she brings me back to see the full picture. You cannot get stuck in your head.
I remember that I was feeling down because I was told by a producer, “no one wants to talk about the pelvic floor and bladder leaks! It isn’t sexy enough.” I was really bummed because they could not have been more wrong! My mom quickly reminded me that it was one person. There are so many other people to pitch to and care about this issue. She was right! There are so many people out there who will talk about it and bring a spotlight to the issue.
How have you used your success to bring goodness to the world?
A fortunate aspect of our work at Yarlap is that nearly every day we have someone contacting us to tell about how Yarlap has changed their life. Before using Yarlap they were overwhelmed with the problem. They have their lives back. Speaking with these women are the best conversations.
What are your “5 Leadership Lessons I Learned From My Experience” and why. (Please share a story or example for each.)
#1. Take time for yourself. You cannot be running at full capacity all the time. You need to give yourself little breaks. You cannot help your team if you are tired or dismayed — allow yourself a little break! For example: I will step away from my phone for 2 days and do a total digital detox. It feels really tense at first, “what am I missing?” is running through your head. But, you come back and realize that everything is still there. Everything is fine and you are reenergized to really help out your time.
#2. Listen to everyone. If you listen, you hear the best ideas. Even when someone is grumpy, listen. You acknowledge their issues and often quickly their attitude changes and their contribution helps to find a solution.
#3. Learn a second language. It keeps you aware that there are other perspectives. Often, other languages have expressions we do not have in English, like gemütlich.
#4 Focus on what matters. Set aside time each day to focus on long range goals — don’t get caught putting out fires daily and lose focus/consideration of long range planning. Once, I was told by a producer, “no one wants to talk about the pelvic floor and bladder leaks! It isn’t sexy enough.” I was really disappointed. My mom quickly reminded me that it was one person and there were millions of women who needed to be aware of this problem. She was right. There are so many other people to pitch to and care about this issue. Focus on the goal, not the obstacles.
#5. If you’re not following the heard — cool! Its stressful to be the only one or in a head long race with a pack. Stay cool and question your known weaknesses. You may be defining the future.
You are a person of great influence. If you could inspire a movement that would bring the most amount of good to the most amount of people, what would that be? You never know what your idea can trigger. 🙂
Educate men and woman about their pelvic floor wellbeing. It is all about education! Our pelvic floors are about so much more in our lives than most people know. The learning can be so rewarding.
Can you please give us your favorite “Life Lesson Quote”? Can you share how that was relevant to you in your life?
My favorite quote is from Tina Fey: “Whatever the problem, be part of the solution. Don’t just sit around raising questions and pointing out obstacles.”
Every day we read statistics about women’s incontinence. All I can help thinking is, “why is this subject NOT talked about everywhere? It’s so common but it is not normal. Our pelvic floor health is a huge part of our relationships!” Instead of pointing out all the factors and what women could do, we decided to become part of the solution with Yarlap®.
Some of the biggest names in Business, VC funding, Sports, and Entertainment read this column. Is there a person in the world, or in the US with whom you would love to have a private breakfast or lunch with, and why? He or she might just see this if we tag them :-
Betty White Ludden has many talents and she reaches a broad audience. I think her audiences might find an open and fun discussion on pelvic floor wellness practical and of serious interest. Ms. White and I will leave all her audiences with something that will keep them thinking for a lifetime.
If Ms. White will choose a place where we can write on the table cloth, I’ll bring something to write with — ever wonder what our pelvic floor and a gothic arch have in common?
“The most successful leaders are ones who’ve been in the trenches” with Ashley Richardson and Fotis Georgiadis
Lead by example — If you want your team to buy-in, you can’t just talk the talk, you have to walk the walk. The most successful leaders are ones who’ve been in the trenches and understand the value of getting their hands dirty and your team will respect you that much more if you do it, don’t just say it.
As a part of my series about strong female leaders, I had the pleasure of interviewing Ashley Richardson, Chief Operating Officer for Laguna Hills, California-based LOCATE Inventory. LOCATE Inventory launched in early 2017 and Richardson joined the company in May 2018. The company developed a cloud-based inventory and order-management software platform that has proven ideal for small-to-medium sized businesses in the warehouse and e-commerce sectors. LOCATE’s flexibility allows its clients to grow their business without having to trade in their accounting software for a more-costly ERP system. LOCATE was named one of QuickBooks’ Top 10 apps of 2017. Richardson’s knowledge of the ins and outs of selling and marketing an integral piece of software like a restaurant point-of-sale or warehouse/workflow management system have allowed her to bring that value to help design the go-to-market strategy for LOCATE. Richardson’s role is far more dynamic than simply overseeing the company’s day-to-day operations. Her passion for white-glove service, support and problem-solving is a key reason that LOCATE is on track toward profitability. Richardson joined LOCATE after spending eight years (2011–18) with SDCR Business Systems, the world’s largest Aloha Point-of-Sale reseller. Richardson started as a hospitality sales rep and earned a place on NCR’s prestigious President’s Club in each of her first four years. In 2014, she was promoted to director of sales. In that role, she helped SDCR increase its overall sales by more than eight percent, year-over-year. In 2017, SDCR went thru a change in ownership and a year later, Richardson stepped down from her post. She joined LOCATE shortly thereafter. A native of San Diego, California, Richardson was a Dean’s List and President’s List student at Long Beach State University where she was also an All-America, team captain and a four-year starter on the Lady 49ers water polo team. She graduated from LBSU with a degree in communications studies and a master’s in sports management. Richardson, who was a member of the USA’s Youth Team in 1999 and an alternate on the USA’s Junior Team in 2001, continued her water polo career after college. From 2006–08, she played professionally for the Queensland Breakers of the Australian National League. Richardson began her management career in “The Land Down Under,” operating a facility management business (Flash Aquatic Management). It provided the management for an aquatic center in Brisbane, where she owned and operated the Make-a-Splash Swim School from 2009–10. Richardson returned to the States in 2010. Richardson is married to John Deppe. She has a son, Jackson.
Thank you so much for doing this with us! Can you tell us a story about what brought you to this specific career path?
It’s really about taking a chance. A friend of mine came to me and said that there was a guy who was running a business who could really use my help, but she wasn’t exactly sure what he did. I kind of laughed and she said maybe you can go have breakfast or lunch with him, so I did, and it turned out that the guy she was talking about was George Keliher, the CEO of our company, LOCATE Inventory. I ended up taking her up on the offer to meet him because you never know what something like that can lead to, so we ended up meeting and he told me about the company and his great team. Eventually after we talked for a while, I finally asked him to give me his elevator pitch and he didn’t have one and it took me back a bit. One thing my father always taught me was to make sure I always had an elevator pitch, because if you ever had 30 seconds with someone, you have to make sure you know what your company brings as far as value to that person, and you just never know where that might go. Anyways when George didn’t have that elevator pitch, I kind of joked and said that if you don’t know how I can help you, then maybe I can help you with your elevator pitch. In all seriousness though, I think the lesson here is that you really just need to take those chances and meetings when you get them because you really never know where they can lead you. Here in this case, George didn’t have his elevator pitch and he wasn’t exactly sure what he was looking for, and I didn’t know anything about inventory management, but now I look back and I’m the COO for a large inventory-management software company, and it’s all because I took a chance.
Can you share the most interesting story that happened to you since you began leading your company?
We are still very much a startup company. We have 15 full-time employees and we’re very cost-conscious when it comes to our bottom line. But about mid-way through 2018, I knew we needed to take some chances for our company to grow, so we committed some of our resources to partner up with a marketing company to grow our SEO and try to help raise awareness for LOCATE and what exactly it is that we do. We ended up signing a six-month contract with a marketing company down in San Diego, but it quickly went sour as there were repeated mistakes and mis-steps along the way. I was growing frustrated with the lack of attention to detail, so ultimately, we ended up agreeing to mutually part ways. There was a silver lining with that partnership, however, as they had brought on a public relations expert who had previously worked in the NFL. He did some really good work and was getting some very well-placed stories for us, which we were very happy about. So as the one relationship was going sour, we reached out separately and asked the PR contact if he would be interested in continuing to work with us on his own, and he agreed, and we were very happy that he did. With his help, we’ve been featured several times in one of the top business journals in Southern California, and recently we were profiled on the largest website in the agricultural industry as part of a recent partnership with Scale-Tec, so all of that has been very positive for the company.
Can you share a story about the funniest mistake you made when you were first starting? Can you tell us what lesson you learned from that?
LOCATE is definitely a ‘family business.’ We have a set of identical twin brothers who work for us, along with their older brother, and two of their wives, so there is a lot of family here. The funniest mistake I made when I first started was getting them all mixed up, especially the twins, who really are just about identical. They all realized this and we have a glass coffee table in the middle of our office, so one day, they sat me down and grabbed a handful of white-board markers and drew out almost like a family tree, or more like a web, of how everyone came together and how everyone knew each other in the company right there on the glass table. It was just kind of funny because I was new and trying to figure out how everyone knew everyone, and how everyone was connected, so I learned about LOCATE’s seven degrees of separation on our coffee table with a bunch of white board markers. And of course, now we’re all like one big giant happy family.
What do you think makes your company stand out? Can you share a story?
We have a really young and talented team, our median age is probably in the early 30s, and the fact that we created a cloud-based, value-add, mid-market light ERP system for the inventory space in less than three years, and that we now have close to 1,000 licensed users is what makes us stand out. While we may be young, we have some of the best of the best young minds working in our building. And even with that youth, a great thing about our company too is that we all share a moral compass that points in the same direction. We all agree that our customers always come first and that too has helped make us stand out.
Are you working on any exciting new projects now? How do you think that will help people?
As a matter of fact, we are. Right now, we’re working on breaking into the international market with a LOCATE model that can be used in countries around the globe. We’re going to be starting with the UK, and then we’re going to move into Australia and New Zealand, and we’ll also be developing a model for Canada as well. The Australia integration is especially personal for me because I lived in Australia for five years, so that takes on a special meaning. Just starting to break into that international marketplace is something that’s really exciting for the company as a whole, and then being able to watch the team work collectively, and see how they go about the research and development is really inspiring for me personally.
What advice would you give to other female leaders to help their team to thrive?
Lead by example and set a great example for others to follow in your footsteps. A great leader is someone who can bring a team together and foster great communication and collaboration within the team. You don’t want to have silos. Of course, there are going to be times when you have a small group of decision-makers making key decisions, but for the most part, it really comes down to communication and inclusion for the team as a whole, especially with a smaller-sized company like LOCATE. Being able to have everyone working together and pointing in the same direction is to me what makes a great leader.
What advice would you give to other female leaders about the best way to manage a large team?
A key to leading and managing a large team is to find key influencers within your team. Find good leaders who instill cooperation and teamwork, and for someone like me with a sports background, I kind of equate it to finding good team captains. Those people may not be the best athletes or performers, but they’re the people who are best able to get along with everybody and they possess those traits that you want in a leader. So when looking for people to manage a large team, I like to look for people that influence hard work, good behavior, good decision-making and great customer service.
None of us are able to achieve success without some help along the way. Is there a particular person who you are grateful towards who helped get you to where you are? Can you share a story about that?
Cassie Hoag from MAP Consulting is the first person who comes to mind. She is not only a friend, but she’s a mentor and someone who I really look up to. She is all that, plus a business coach and a life coach. It’s so nice to have someone I trust who I can call for things like ‘how should I do this or how should I handle that.’
Prior to working for LOCATE, we had a large family business, and my father passed away unexpectedly right in the midst of a major acquisition. At that time, I really needed a rock that I could trust and it was Cassie who helped us get through it. She has always been very cool, calm and collected, and at that time especially, she was the glue that helped us all stay together, and for that I will forever be grateful.
How have you used your success to bring goodness to the world?
I don’t know if this qualifies as goodness to the world, but the SPCA (Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Animals) is a cause that’s very near and dear to me. My husband and I recently got married and while planning the wedding, we both kind of realized that we had plenty of blenders and other housewares, so instead of having our guests at the wedding bring gifts, we instead asked them to make a donation to the SPCA. Believe it or not, we raised more than $5,000 in cash, checks, gift cards and donations. We were amazed at everyone’s generosity. My husband just went in recently to drop off the donation and the woman at the SPCA’s first reaction was “Oh my god.” Needless to say, they were both ecstatic and very appreciative, and we felt great about the decision.
What are your “5 Leadership Lessons I Learned From My Experience” and why. (Please share a story or example for each.)
Be a mentor — I try to do a lot of mentoring and engagement with the community. I’ve really tried to do this in particular with my alma mater — Cal State Long Beach — and the students and student-athletes at the school. Using my experience and my network to help them succeed is something I’m very passionate about because I had a lot of great mentors who helped me along the way.
Be an active listener — As I mentioned above, being a good listener is important when building a team because every one of your team members feels as though they have a voice and that is important for building camaraderie.
Include everyone — Similar to being an active listener, it’s about involving your whole team in everything you do. Nobody wants to feel left out or as though they don’t have a voice. Empowering your team is one of the most important things you can do.
Lead by example — If you want your team to buy-in, you can’t just talk the talk, you have to walk the walk. The most successful leaders are ones who’ve been in the trenches and understand the value of getting their hands dirty and your team will respect you that much more if you do it, don’t just say it.
Give people the time of day — I say this because you never know who’s sitting next to you, or behind you, or what the next meeting might hold. I wasn’t sure at first if I was going to take a meeting with George Keliher (LOCATE’s CEO), but I did and now here I am as the Chief Operating Officer for an amazing company.
You are a person of great influence. If you could inspire a movement that would bring the most amount of good to the most amount of people, what would that be? You never know what your idea can trigger. 🙂
I have always wanted to create a women’s empowerment movement, particularly for women who have recently had a life-changing experience that’s altered their career path. What I’d like to do is get all these women together and take their skills — whether it’s marketing, management, social media, or whatever it may be — and taking their expertise and experience, and offer it to companies in the nonprofit world who don’t have the resources to hire staffs to fill those needs. This way, maybe someone who has a nonprofit and can’t afford to hire someone for an area of need, can draw from our group to help their organization.
Can you please give us your favorite “Life Lesson Quote”? Can you share how that was relevant to you in your life?
“Stay true to your moral compass.” I just use this to think of how would I wanted to be treated if I were an employee or customer. I always try to keep my business and moral ethics in line.
Some of the biggest names in Business, VC funding, Sports, and Entertainment read this column. Is there a person in the world, or in the US with whom you would love to have a private breakfast or lunch with, and why? He or she might just see this if we tag them 🙂
Dallas Mavericks Owner and Shark Tank Host Mark Cuban — I really respect his entrepreneurial side and I also like the fact that he took a lot of risks. His quotes, ‘sweat equity is the most valuable equity there is’ and ‘know your business’ are sayings of his that have always resonated with me. I’ve always looked up to him, to the point that I actually reached out and tried to connect with him personally, but he’s right, you have to stay focused and believe in yourself and trust your own abilities and judgement.
Further, be a real person, not the persona of a leader. Let people know you and take the time to know them. Building rapport and trust is earned over time, not dictated by an org chart or a slide deck. Especially with large teams, leaders can feel like this very remote cardboard cutout of a person, and it is your job to become a real human. Small acts, small touches, and a few grounding words here and there can bring your leadership to life. Even with whirlwind days of meetings, there is always 5 minutes to share a joke, enjoy the sunshine, chat about your pets or hobbies.
I had the pleasure of interviewing Stephanie Trunzo, Global Head of IBM Garage. Throughout her 20 years in the IT industry, Stephanie Trunzo has cultivated her passion for building high-performing teams, creating compelling storytelling platforms, and balancing the scales of cost and risk for clients looking to take legacy architectures and mission-critical applications into a secure and trusted future using IBM Cloud. Stephanie is the Global Head of the IBM Garage, a network of physical, worldwide innovation hubs that foster strategic collaboration. By teaming diverse technical and design experts with clients, the Garage melds industry practices, startup culture, and IBM’s expertise to create inventive solutions to real-world challenges. Stephanie’s experience includes time as Chief Operating Officer and Chief Digital Officer for role of start-up company PointSource through an acquisition by Globant. Under leadership, the startup’s revenue doubled year over year for four years running, was awarded ranking in the INC 5000 for three consecutive years, and received multiple Best Places to Work awards. In addition to being recognized by The Cube and Best in Biz, Stephanie sits on the TechGirlz Advisory Board and the IBM Global Business Partner Council. She is a seasoned speaker who has presented at events such as Forrester, InfoWeek, and UN Women, just to name a few.
Thank you so much for doing this with us! Can you tell us a story about what brought you to this specific career path?
I believe strongly in the saying, “Fortune favors the prepared mind.” To me, this means you can’t map out a course for your life too tightly, but you can be intentional about your preparation and awareness. It means being ready, investing in your skills and experience, and being curious, listening for seeds of opportunity. I did not think when I was majoring in English Literature and Psychology that I was going to end up in the technology industry, but combining an interest in communication and cognition ended up being the perfect blend of interests for an emerging focus on user and design thinking.
Can you share a story about the funniest mistake you made when you were first starting? Can you tell us what lesson you learned from that?
Classic mistake — forgetting to clear your search history when you are sharing your screen! When I was a new mother, I had googled about my baby’s constipation (a common new parent search!). When I later shared my screen in a work meeting… yup, it said constipation. While this could have been super embarrassing, instead it was a relatable moment because I addressed it out loud. I had another parent message me separately with some great tips. The lesson I learned is that while you should be always careful about what is on your screen, more importantly, owning even an embarrassing moment can be a powerful way to connect with people and demonstrate your own authenticity. What advice would you give to other female leaders to help their team to thrive? Laugh and also produce outcomes. Given the conversation around telling women to smile more, I want to be very clear — laughing and smiling is good for ALL HUMANS; patronizingly telling women to smile more to look pretty is demeaning (see the difference?). A leader who bring levity and fun to their team will create a healthy and connected sense of community. The ability to make space to be light-hearted, and still also address serious business challenges, will be the difference between a team who gets burnt out and a team who thrives and enjoys overcoming those challenges together. If you can demonstrate that it is both okay to laugh and no one is above rolling up their sleeves, your team will get the message it is safe to take risks, that martyr syndrome isn’t required, and that everyone needs to put in effort to see results.
What advice would you give to other female leaders about the best way to manage a large team?
I manage a global team at IBM, and one of the things I believe is most rewarding as a leader is showing someone a version of themselves they didn’t even know was there. I love to examine people to find the shining lights inside of them. There is a scene in the movie Hook when one of the Lost Boys smooshes grown-up Robin Williams’ face around, searching for the boy leader he knows, and with a joyful tone of recognition and relief finally says, “There you are, Peter!” This is what it is like when you help someone find the authentic version of themselves and show them how to bring that version to their team and to their work.
Further, be a real person, not the persona of a leader. Let people know you and take the time to know them. Building rapport and trust is earned over time, not dictated by an org chart or a slide deck. Especially with large teams, leaders can feel like this very remote cardboard cutout of a person, and it is your job to become a real human. Small acts, small touches, and a few grounding words here and there can bring your leadership to life. Even with whirlwind days of meetings, there is always 5 minutes to share a joke, enjoy the sunshine, chat about your pets or hobbies. If someone on your team collects drink koozies, bring them a koozie when you visit.
None of us are able to achieve success without some help along the way. Is there a particular person who you are grateful towards who helped get you to where you are? Can you share a story about that?
When I was growing my company, PointSource, there were a few people who stand out in my mind who helped shaped for me what success looks like. I had a close team who demonstrated what loyalty looked like, bringing out the best in me and one another, even in the face of challenges and adversity during acquisition and integration. We all acted in the interest of the team as a priority over the interest of ourselves as individuals; while it felt very natural at the time, I look back inspired by what we were able to accomplish.
To flip the script, we don’t often enough spend thoughtful time sharing the lessons we learn from people who help us recognize as anti-pattern as well. I have had two people I’ve encountered in my career who taught me critical lessons on how to use my voice to stand up for myself and for others who needed me. Unfortunately, I have been situations where someone used their position of power in sexist and humiliating ways. It took me longer than I wish it had to realize the extent of the harm, and that it was happening not only to me, and stop it. It was a powerful lesson, and I will never allow that to happen again. Another pivotal person in my career showed me what inauthentic non-transparent leadership looked like, and what a trail of chaos it can leave in its wake. By being suspicious, and choosing to manipulate situations, this leader lost the team’s faith and trust, compromising bigger opportunities and high performing potential. I credit both of these people for fortifying my belief system as a leader.
How have you used your success to bring goodness to the world?
Yoga! I have brought yoga into the workplace across multiple roles and companies, and I love watching people who have maybe never tried yoga bring a practice of breathing and movement into their regular lives. In corporate roles, and in technology industry, we spend so much time in front of screens, isolated. Yoga breaks down those walls, physically and mentally. Bringing goodness to the world to me is about infusing the everyday with a little more fun, a little more curiosity, a little more boldness to take a risk, ask why in a hard meeting. I like to tell my team if someone isn’t looking at them strange at least once a day, they aren’t trying hard enough.
Can you please give us your favorite “Life Lesson Quote”? Can you share how that was relevant to you in your life?
I do not know who to credit for this, but the idea that “some people are only compatible with an expired version of you” has been extremely meaningful to me. Who we are is not a static thing, as we are constantly evolving. And the people in our lives are also evolving. Where we may have been in synch before doesn’t mean we still evolving at the same pace, nor in the same direction. And it is OKAY. This idea that people, personally and professionally, come in and out of our lives has comforted me when I’ve gone through major changes. When I sold my company, and took it through a strategic acquisition, for example, it was very hard to let go, even knowing that letting go was a necessary part of moving on — for me and for the other awesome people who shared that history. We anchor our ideas about people on something we knew about them from our experiences years ago, which can be outdated perceptions. Don’t let someone’s old expectations of you define your next steps.
Don’t confuse decor with culture: Having kombucha on tap and a ping pong table aren’t culture. They are accoutrements. To build a strong culture, empower your employees, show them respect, admit your weaknesses, and celebrate their strengths and wins publicly.
As a part of my series about strong female leaders, I had the pleasure of interviewing Jenny Thompson. Jenny Thompson is a mission-driven business leader and natural-born marketer who builds to benefit shareholders, employees, and customers. Her skills include: strategic business development, customer acquisition and retention, win-win negotiations, marketing strategy, and benefit-driven product development. She spent 20 years at The Agora Companies, most recently as the CEO of NewMarket Health. During that time, she grew the company from $2 million to $70 million, oversaw the migration of the company’s marketing from 100% direct mail to 100% online, and was responsible for 14 brands. Jenny left NewMarket to start SafetyPIN Technologies, an innovative trust badge that lets people see at a glance if someone they met online is safe to meet offline. She’s also the creator of the 3-Day Business Cleanse, a novel process that helps companies get “unstuck” using her review, remove, and rebuild philosophy.
Thank you so much for doing this with us! Can you tell us a story about what brought you to this specific career path?
I was entrepreneurial from a young age. In fact, I used to walk around the house and try to “sell” my parents things they had already bought. I would make up jingles and offer deals. But my family didn’t have the entrepreneur spirit. The mindset was more “find a good job and stay as long as they will let you.”
After exploring various paths after college, I found a job at a very entrepreneurial company that offered the best of both worlds — a paycheck, autonomy and a high tolerance for risk. I had a great career there, but from early on, I knew it wasn’t my last endeavor. I wanted more, and I wanted to prove I could succeed on my own without the safety net.
When I finally left the company almost 20 years later, I wasn’t quite sure what I was going to do. But I’ve always believed that Change Begets Change. When you make one change in your life, others come. While I was figuring things out, I took a break and headed to Tahiti for some R&R. And it was after that trip that I found my new opportunity and my why…
My dog sitter faked her own death when I found out she hadn’t actually stayed with my dogs.
It was a crazy situation. I tried to get her to pay me back the $150 that I had pre-paid her for my next trip. But instead, she created an elaborate scheme and looped in friends to pretend she was in a horrible accident and died 4 or 5 days later.
That’s when I decided I needed to be MUCH more careful about who I let in my home (and around my dogs). Once I started learning more about background checks — what they cover, and what they don’t, I was floored. That is what inspired me to launch SafetyPIN Technologies.
Can you share the most interesting story that happened to you since you began leading your company?
So many incredible things have happened. The most interesting would have to be meeting John Gill, the former Chief of White House Security. We had a mutual connection that introduced us and within 10 minutes, he said that he loved what we were building early on, and has since joined our advisory board! I’m grateful for crossing his path and the instrumental value he brings to the product we are creating and the team.
Can you share a story about the funniest mistake you made when you were first starting? Can you tell us what lesson you learned from that?
Nothing knee-slapping comes to mind, which is one of the hazards of being in a business as serious as safety. The silliest mistake we made was entering someone in payroll that was a 1099. She was LITERALLY on payroll for less than 6 hours. We ended up having to issue her a W-2 and pay $15 in Unemployment fines when she was impacted by the government shutdown.
The lesson we learned was that even the smallest of mistakes can have a long tail. People will always make mistakes but don’t assume you can ignore the little ones entirely.
What do you think makes your company stand out? Can you share a story?
Our SafetyPIN methodology differentiates us from what most would consider the standard background check process.
Here’s what sets us apart: We rescreen people regularly — and revoke their PIN if they no longer meet our requirements. We use a proprietary behavioral review — to eliminate people without criminal history that still raise red flags. We look at the underlying psychology and patterns of behavior — to ensure maximum trust and safety. We go beyond the standard background check — the standard check stops at the county line, the standard criminal doesn’t. Lastly, we protect your private information, so you can let someone know they can trust you — without sharing your personal information or private history with a stranger.
As for a story demonstrating our value, we had one babysitter apply for a SafetyPIN with no criminal background, but her score on our behavioral review resulted in a decline. The app she came on through asked us to double check because they were so surprised — we confirmed it was correct.
What we didn’t share with them (due to our focus on privacy) was that she scored very high on questions indicating she had minimal concern for other people’s safety or well-being, didn’t care who she had to hurt to get her way, and was only focused on her own needs.
These are not qualities you want in a childcare provider, and thus we were proud to offer that extra layer of protection that is typically ignored.
Are you working on any exciting new projects now? How do you think that will help people?
100% of my time is focused on building SafetyPIN. I believe giving people a way to build and share trust directly in the peer-to-peer economy through a neutral 3rd party is the most important piece that’s missing.
My experience with the dog sitter that I had found online is a great example of how SafetyPIN can be used to help people make better choices, or at the very least, ask more questions and take more time to hire someone who does not have the badge.
What advice would you give to other female leaders to help their team to thrive?
One of my favorite lessons to share with my team and with other leaders is to be realistic about defining a “crisis.” Learn to define the true impact of an issue, and offer support to treat it appropriately.
The other piece of advice I have is to be as approachable as possible. People get scared when they make mistakes, and the tendency is to downplay them or hide them. If your team trusts that you understand people are imperfect, and you have perspective about that, then they will come to you when something happens, so you can help to address the issue early on and mitigate risks more easily.
What advice would you give to other female leaders about the best way to manage a large team?
I recommend never having more than 7 people report directly to you (if you can help it). And don’t get overly friendly or too personally involved with anyone on your team. Your job is to lead, inspire, and build. Blurring the lines of overly personal communications can make things tricky, both legally and professionally.
None of us are able to achieve success without some help along the way. Is there a particular person who you are grateful towards who helped get you to where you are? Can you share a story about that?
So many smart and successful people have helped me along the way, but I think my grandmother had the greatest impact. She was born in the early 1900s and never thought of a career as an option. She was a wife and a mother — who made the BEST chocolate chip cookies and stuffed cabbage, by the way. As I was growing up, she always encouraged me to be strong, speak my mind, and chase any dream. I always thought she was born 50 years too early. And if she had the opportunities I did, she would have done something we would all be talking about every day. I hope that is what I am building now.
How have you used your success to bring goodness to the world?
I’ve been a significant supporter of The Innocence Project for the last decade. I’ve primarily supported travel and readjustment for when someone gets out of prison after a wrongful conviction, in addition to contributing to the cost of the defense.
I believe that our criminal justice system is terribly broken and there are far too many innocent people in prison. My plan is to continue my personal mission for criminal justice reform and greater exonerations through activism and financial support as SafetyPIN grows.
What are your “5 Leadership Lessons I Learned From My Experience” and why. (Please share a story or example for each.)
Be the boss you want: I learned this the hard way. I had a boss who was fairly authoritarian and took credit for our ideas. I used to drive around the parking lot to see if she was at the office so I knew how my day was going to go. To be honest, early on, I was just like her. It took me a long time to learn how to lead and inspire effectively, while still focusing on quality and results.
Leadership isn’t a title; it’s a state of mind: You can be a leader at any level in an organization. Leadership is about being focused on the right things, caring about the team, and elevating others. It’s not about the best office, fancy title, or a name plate. You can be a boss without being a leader — and you can be a leader without being the boss.
Don’t confuse decor with culture: Having kombucha on tap and a ping pong table aren’t culture. They are accoutrements. To build a strong culture, empower your employees, show them respect, admit your weaknesses, and celebrate their strengths and wins publicly.
Do not embarrass someone in public and apologize in private: Like I said, it took me years to learn what real leadership was — and I still learn something every day. So if I mess up and say or do something that embarrasses someone, they get an apology in front of the same group.
Audit your business every year: Not for financials but for opportunity. There are so many ideas and projects that people start that don’t have legs or are dragging the team down — and good ideas that get tossed aside because resources are dedicated to other things. It’s critical to analyze the business regularly, and prune the projects — and the team — so it can thrive again.
You are a person of great influence. If you could inspire a movement that would bring the most amount of good to the most amount of people, what would that be? You never know what your idea can trigger. 🙂
I heard someone say the other day that the prosecutor is the most powerful person in the courtroom. That’s not true. The members of the jury are. I encourage everyone to serve jury duty and pay attention. If smart, focused, caring people try to get out of jury duty, how will the system ever work? The judges, prosecutors, police, and defense attorneys are somewhat “set.” WE are the only part of the system that changes all the time. Serve jury duty proudly. And study up on and vote for judges. Those are the two most important steps individuals can take toward a system more focused on JUSTICE than CRIMINAL.
Can you please give us your favorite “Life Lesson Quote”? Can you share how that was relevant to you in your life?
“If a problem can be solved with money, it isn’t a problem.” I know how trite that sounds to people struggling financially, but when you compare it to terminal or mental illness, abusive relationships, etc. then it comes into perspective.
My father taught me that lesson at a young age and it’s been a guiding force. I never let money force my decisions. I’m willing to lose money or overspend to get myself out of a negative situation or into a positive one.
Some of the biggest names in Business, VC funding, Sports, and Entertainment read this column. Is there a person in the world, or in the US with whom you would love to have a private breakfast or lunch with, and why? He or she might just see this if we tag them 🙂
Far too many to count. But front of mind today is Jillian Manus — I’m so inspired by her story, what she’s accomplished, and her generosity of spirit.
“Work with your employees’ strengths; Putting a square peg in a round hole is just going to leave you frustrated every time” with Peg McGregor
I’d always encourage leaders to work with your employees’ strengths — trying to put a square peg in a round hole is just going to leave you frustrated every time.
As a part of my series about strong female leaders, I had the pleasure of interviewing Peg McGregor, the CEO of Technovation Solutions, a Las Vegas based technology firm that connects clients with solutions and services across hospitality, education, and healthcare. As CEO, McGregor has created a first of its kind center that allows businesses to experience new technologies in a live environment, changing the way technology is sold.
Thank you so much for doing this with us! Can you tell us a story about what brought you to this specific career path?
I’m best described as a serial entrepreneur, and I’ve been very lucky to be a part of multiple industries from government security to CRM consulting. What I loved about Technovation was the opportunity to create a place where decision makers could really experience technology rather than just read a case study about it.
Can you share the most interesting story that happened to you since you began leading your company?
This has happened a few times, but the most interesting thing we’ve seen happen is when we’ve introduced a product to a client, generally on the IT side, and had them so excited about the product that they’ve brought their executive team back in and sold the product for us. There’s something unique about having our partner products in a live environment — the ability to touch, feel and play with a product is an absolute game changer.
Can you share a story about the funniest mistake you made when you were first starting? Can you tell us what lesson you learned from that?
We’ve learned a lot about language barriers and vernacular bringing international partners in. One of my favorites was when we introduced an Australian partner to a client here in Las Vegas, a big guy from Texas. The partner spent half of the dinner ragging on American football. The look on the client’s face wasn’t funny then, he’s a huge Dallas Cowboys fan — but we laugh about it now. We learned in that moment that sales might look a little different internationally — and don’t talk about football!
What do you think makes your company stand out? Can you share a story?
What makes Technovation Solutions stand out is the sheer volume of solutions we can offer for clients to try. If a health care team is looking for more secure solutions that are less intrusive, we can show them exactly how our partner products will look. On top of that, some of our partner products are just downright fun to play with — in mirror menus and ticket sales, full-room automation, there’s nothing better than watching a group of executives play with buttons!
Are you working on any exciting new projects now? How do you think that will help people?
We are! Safety and security are of course top of mind in so many industries, and we’re thrilled to see new products coming online that help to keep patients, guests, and kids safe without sacrificing their experience.
What advice would you give to other female leaders to help their team to thrive?
I’d always encourage leaders to work with your employees’ strengths — trying to put a square peg in a round hole is just going to leave you frustrated every time.
What advice would you give to other female leaders about the best way to manage a large team?
Know your people, not just their names, but be able to interact with them on a professional AND personal level. Let them know you care about them as both humans and professionals.
None of us can achieve success without some help along the way. Is there a particular person who you are grateful towards who helped get you to where you are? Can you share a story about that?
I’m grateful to my older brother. I’d say even before I was headed to college, he was encouraging me to do whatever I want, regardless of gender. I just needed to get myself there.
How have you used your success to bring goodness to the world?
I’ve had the opportunity in a few of my positions and roles to mentor those who really needed it, and I’ll always be grateful for that. There are some people who really are destined to do great things, they just need someone to believe in them and provide that guidance for success.
What are your “5 Leadership Lessons I Learned From My Experience” and why. (Please share a story or example for each.)
· Trust you gut — it’s gotten me everywhere
· Take care of yourself — you can’t be a great leader if you’re not in the right mindset
· Be able to share vulnerabilities with your team — you’re all in this together
· Listen to your team — you hired them for their expertise, use it!
· Fail fast — learn from your mistakes and move on
You are a person of great influence. If you could inspire a movement that would bring the most amount of good to the most amount of people, what would that be? You never know what your idea can trigger.
This isn’t a new idea, but I’d love to see more women in information technology. I’ve watched partners here in Las Vegas try to hire more woman, but there still aren’t enough females entering our industry. We need to encourage girls to see these jobs as options, and attainable careers.
Can you please give us your favorite “Life Lesson Quote”? Can you share how that was relevant to you in your life?
“No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.” — Elanor Roosevelt
You choose your reactions, and you can control how people’s behavior affects you. I’ve had plenty of people question my decisions over the years, including my decision to become a parent, become a working parent, and become an entrepreneur, you can’t let people’s opinions affect how you live your life.
Some of the biggest names in Business, VC funding, Sports, and Entertainment read this column. Is there a person in the world, or in the US with whom you would love to have a private breakfast or lunch with, and why? (he or she might just see this if we tag them)
“There are myths about mental illness that often can be dispelled through education and experience.” with Stephanie S. Covington
As individuals, we need to educate ourselves about what is actually true about mental illness. There are myths about mental illness that often can be dispelled through education and experience. Hearing the stories of how people are living with mental illness can be beneficial for both children and adults. The bottom line is that healing happens in connection. Mental illness thrives in isolation. So there is a much larger issue here. This has to do with the health of our society. We are expecting to raise emotionally healthy children in a world filled with dishonesty, isolation, greed, and hatred. You cannot develop healthy families and individuals in a sick society. Our government and society have become derailed from their task of creating and sustaining an inclusive, just, and sane world for all. If you water a seedling with polluted toxic water, the plant may not die. But it will not flourish and thrive.
I had the pleasure to interview Stephanie S. Covington, Ph.D., LCSW, is an internationally recognized clinician, organizational consultant, and lecturer. For more than thirty-five years, her work has focused on the creation of gender-responsive and trauma-informed services. Her extensive experience includes designing women’s services at the Betty Ford Center, developing programs for women in criminal justice settings, and being the featured therapist on the Oprah Winfrey Network TV show entitled Breaking Down the Bars. Her current projects including working with twelve women’s prisons and sixteen men’s prisons in England. She also has served as a consultant to the United Nations Office on Drugs and Crime in Vienna and was selected for SAMHSA’s Advisory Committee for Women’s Services. Educated at Columbia University and the Union Institute, Dr. Covington has conducted seminars for behavioral health professionals, community organizations, criminal justice professionals, and recovery groups in the United States, Canada, the United Kingdom, Mexico, Europe, Africa, Iceland, Brazil, and New Zealand. She has served on the faculties of the University of Southern California, San Diego State University, and the California School of Professional Psychology. She has published extensively, including ten gender-responsive, trauma-informed treatment curricula and several self-help books, including the best-selling A Woman’s Way through The Twelve Steps. Dr. Covington is based in La Jolla, California, where she is co-director of both the Institute for Relational Development and the Center for Gender and Justice.
Thank you so much for joining us! Can you tell us the “backstory” about what brought you to this specific career path?
My interest in mental health began when I was a high school student. A girls’ club I belonged to adopted the local child guidance clinic as its volunteer program. Our club members took care of its yard and gardening needs. In addition, I began to volunteer as a receptionist there, after school. I was intrigued by the work done by the psychologists and social workers. As a college student, I majored in psychology and then obtained a master’s degree in social work and a Ph.D. in psychology.
However, the real impetus for my work comes from my own experience with addiction. I was not working as a mental health professional because I thought I was “crazy.” I knew something was wrong but did not know what it was. In my mid-thirties, I realized that alcoholism was having a huge, negative impact on my life. As I entered recovery, I said to myself, “If I can just help one other woman feel the way I do….” It felt like a miracle to have “the monkey off my back” — to no longer feel the need, the out-of-control compulsion, to drink. Little did I know at that time where that thought would lead me.
Initially, my work was as a therapist in private practice specializing in women with addictive disorders. As I began to attend conferences, I realized that the focus, including treatment services, was always on men. The struggles and challenges experienced by women were overshadowed. This compelled me to speak at conferences, write self-help books for women, and develop treatment materials for women. For many women, substance use disorders (as well as other mental health issues) are related to trauma. Now we are much more successful in treating these challenges because we understand that adverse childhood experiences often are at the core of physical and mental health problems.
At the end of the 1980s, I had another personal experience that changed the trajectory of my work. I had a professional opportunity to live inside a women’s prison for a few days, and this experience affected the focus of my life’s work. I realized that this was my passion: working with women who are incarcerated — who are invisible to the outside world. The women in state prisons are women with histories of trauma, addiction, and mental health problems coupled with little education and few skills.When we shut our mental hospitals many years ago, we did not develop the community services that were needed. Today our jails and prisons house those with mental health issues who lack other resources.
According to Mental Health America’s report, over 44 million Americans have a mental health condition. Yet there’s still a stigma about mental illness. Can you share a few reasons you think this is so?
I think stigma is complex and complicated. One aspect is fear. Often, we are afraid of what we do not understand. The media’s portrayal of mental illness often is dramatic and frightening. Another aspect has to do with difference. We are not a society that embraces differentness, particularly at this point in time. We are a society based on dominance and power, and we think less of those we see as weak or powerless. Think of how we elevate ourselves as we push others down. Then there is the shame that people carry, so they feel the need to hide what they see as a personal failing. So I see many aspects of stigma that continue to hold it in place.
Can you tell our readers about how you are helping to de-stigmatize the focus on mental wellness?
I have found that the knowledge we have today about the effects of adverse childhood experiences (ACEs) and their linkage to a vast array of human issues is helping to de-stigmatize mental illness. The original ACE study was done in 1998, and for the first ten years no one paid much attention. In the last ten years hundreds of thousands of people have answered the ten simple questions about their lives before the age of eighteen. Depending on the number of “yes” answers, one’s score correlates to a long list of potential challenges, both physical and mental, in one’s adult life. These include depression, anxiety, post-traumatic stress disorder, substance use disorders, eating disorders, aggression, violence, heart disease, lung disease, and obesity.
Was there a story behind why you decided to launch this initiative?
The core of my work is developing and providing gender-responsive, trauma-informed services to women and men, girls and boys, and the transgender community. The story behind this is about years of working with people and listening to stories about their lives, then trying to develop materials that can help. If we can help those who have multiple challenges, then we can certainly help others who are more fortunate and have fewer challenges. Note the word “gender-responsive.” It is important to consider similarities but also differences between people. Certainly, this is true when we focus on the effects of trauma. For example, although both boys and girls are at risk for abuse as children (particularly from those they know, more so than from the strangers they are taught to fear), there are important gender differences to consider as we look over the spanof life. Adolescent boys are at particular risk for abuse if they aregay, ofcolor, gang members, or transitioning, and the abuse is from people who dislike them: peers, the police, and rival gangs. A girl’s greatest risk is from a person to whom she is saying, “I love you.” This difference continues into adult life, with men at risk of being victims of crime committed by strangers or being in combat. Women’s greatest risk is in their relationships. It is very difficult to make sense of someone saying they love you when they are also abusing you. We believe that this difference accounts for some of the higher rates of mental illness among women.
In your experience, what should a) individuals b) society, and c) the government do to better support people suffering from mental illness?
As individuals, we need to educate ourselves about what is actually true about mental illness. There are myths about mental illness that often can be dispelled through education and experience. Hearing the stories of how people are living with mental illness can be beneficial for both children and adults. The bottom line is that healing happens in connection. Mental illness thrives in isolation. So there is a much larger issue here. This has to do with the health of our society. We are expecting to raise emotionally healthy children in a world filled with dishonesty, isolation, greed, and hatred. You cannot develop healthy families and individuals in a sick society. Our government and society have become derailed from their task of creating and sustaining an inclusive, just, and sane world for all. If you water a seedling with polluted toxic water, the plant may not die. But it will not flourish and thrive.
What are your 6 strategies you use to promote your own wellbeing and mental wellness? Can you please give a story or example for each?
Eating healthy food (and avoiding foods that starve the brain and the body). When I gave up alcohol, I also stopped eating red meat. I was a vegetarian for a number of years, then added chicken and fish to my diet. For the past two years I have been a vegan.
Exercise that includes being outdoors and in nature (such as walking in the woods or on the beach). I can even sense the difference when I am driving for hours in a rural area compared to how I feel in a more densely populated area. I love big cities but in terms of peacefulness, I love solitude outdoors.
Yoga (as exercise and, more importantly, for quiet mindfulness). Like many people, my life is filled with busyness. Yoga and meditation provide an antidote.
Surrounding myself with like-minded people with similar values and avoiding people who are negative/toxic. I am lucky to be in a place in my life where I can choose who I work with.
Reading, particularly a book related to the country I am traveling in, whether fiction or nonfiction. I love to read, including the The New York Times and the The New Yorker. But immersing myself in a book related to the culture I am visiting is my very favorite reading experience.
Using the universal spiritual principles embedded in the Twelve Steps of Alcoholics Anonymous. These basic principles are actually great tools for living for anyone. Reviewing one’s interactions on a daily basis, making amends to others, trying to live one day at a time (being in the present), and letting go of trying to control others are just a few principles that help my wellbeing.
What are your favorite books, podcasts, or resources that inspire you to be a mental health champion?
Writings from women in prison complied by writinginsideV. The conversations I have and the letters I receive from people who read my books or participate in groups based on materials I have written.
Thank you so much for these insights! This was so inspiring!
“So many people feel overwhelmed, stigmatized, wrong, and helpless because nobody ever taught them what to do when they are stressed and anxious about things that occur in everyday life.”
So many people feel overwhelmed, stigmatized, wrong, and helpless because nobody ever taught them what to do when they are stressed and anxious about things that occur in everyday life. Society should be talking about mental wellness. We all struggle at different parts of our lives with intense emotions.
I had the pleasure to interview Emily Roberts, The Guidance Girl, a Psychotherapist, Parenting Consultant, Educational Speaker, Author of Express Yourself: A Teen Girls Guide to Speaking Up and Being Who You Are, who just launched her jewelry line, Rock Your Worth, intentional jewelry to shift the mindset. The Guidance Girl is concept created by Emily Roberts an innovative, powerful approach to help you achieve goals and feel your best by redefining traditional therapy for the girls and women of today. Emily is aware of the challenges faced by both teens and women, and has built a practice by positioning herself as therapeutic mentor and consultant. She is part of the Hartstein Psychological Services team in New York City practicing Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT) and Cognitive Behavior Therapy (CBT). As a contributing author for HealthyPlace.com Emily writes the weekly blog Building Self-Esteem and is also parenting consultant for Neurogistics Corporation. Emily is the co-founder of The Talking Room, a proactive program for girls ages 5–9 specializing in developing self-esteem, confidence, leadership, friendship skills, and stress reduction activities with an emphasis on creating healthy boundaries with technology.
Thank you so much for joining us! Can you tell us the “backstory” about what brought you to this specific career path?
The teen years were complicated — and it was hard to navigate them without guidance. I had a tough time adjusting, and, though my parents found several therapists, they turned out not to be a good fit for me. I needed and wanted someone who was “cool” like my older cousins, who would truly hear me. Unfortunately, at that time, that person didn’t exist in my world.
In college I struggled with low self-esteem and finally found the right therapist for me, one who understood who I was and what I needed. This motivated me to get my masters in psychology, start a practice, begin speaking, and essentially become the therapist I wished I had when I was younger. One of my most profound experiences was working in an outpatient hospital for eating disorders — that’s when I began to see how to shift the mindset successfully.
According to Mental Health America’s report, over 44 million Americans have a mental health condition. Yet there’s still a stigma about mental illness. Can you share a few reasons you think this is so?
I am adamant both talking about and aligned with the idea that there should not be any stigma attached to mental health issues. 5 out of 5 of us suffer from mental health conditions, Why? We all have brains, emotions, and go through difficult times.
Some people will have a mental illness based on their genetics, life experiences, trauma and more. But we ALL go through mental health crises, we all know somebody who is struggling.
We need to change our language about this, in order to promote mental wellness and get people help and support when they are having issues, rather than stigmatizing them using words like crazy, wrong, off, etc. This not only creates the illusion that these are somehow problems that affect only a small number of people, but it discourages the people who need help, therapy, support, from getting it. And instead, stigmatizes them into being quiet about their problems, which just makes them worse and harder to deal with.
We need to let these people know that they are not alone, that this happens to everyone, and that we will help them to deal better. People tend to make fun of what they don’t understand, and this is a huge disservice to anyone who is struggling, and eventually, it will be you.
Can you tell our readers about how you are helping to de-stigmatize the focus on mental wellness?
We all need to help everybody understand that human emotion is real. Everybody has it, it is part of our neuro-biology. If it wasn’t, we would be robots.
Emotions help us take actions, and we need to teach people that having reactions to these issues should not isolate them, and cause them to handle their suffering in unhealthy ways, from cutting, to eating disorders, drug or alcohol abuse, and finally, suicide. The problem is that all of us need information and skills for making ourselves feel better.
We have to remind all of ourselves that everybody has value, that they can empower themselves, and shift their behavior in a much more positive way.
My whole career has been dedicated to empowering people, from my Rock Your Worth Collection of intention-setting bracelets, to my book, Express Yourself, and through writing and speaking. I want to concentrate on helping people replace their negative paralysis with behavior that will remind them that they are worthy, and that happiness can be theirs. Any kind of talisman reminds us that we need to love ourselves, to change our thought processes to more positive ones, and these feelings will help us all work through our problems. And urge us to seek help for what we cannot deal with ourselves.
Talking about emotions openly means people who are struggling are more likely to ask for help than harm themselves.
Was there a story behind why you decided to launch this initiative?
After working in a hospital setting, private practice and offering workshops for various populations struggling with mental health issues, I learned that recurring positive visual cues can improve confidence made profound changes in peoples’ behavior toward the more positive.
Something visual can remind you of your self-worth, and that it is okay to struggle. Visual cues can build confidence to deal with negative emotions. Even though it might not make the situation positive, it can make it easier to deal with.
In your experience, what should a) individuals b) society, and c) the government do to better support people suffering from mental illness?
There needs to be more mental health education at a young age for all. Everybody needs to know skills and coping mechanisms for managing and regulating emotions. We truly do not teach people how normal it is to feel fear, frustration, anxiety, loss, nor how to process and deal with these feelings.
So many people feel overwhelmed, stigmatized, wrong, and helpless because nobody ever taught them what to do when they are stressed and anxious about things that occur in everyday life. Society should be talking about mental wellness. We all struggle at different parts of our lives with intense emotions.
That is why there should be a school mandate for curriculum created by people in the field that creates a collective language on how to promote mental wellness without any stigma. Calling people “crazy” or “off”, has to stop. People cannot be blamed for the way their brain chemistry and nervous system function. We need to take all these feelings and struggles into the open, make people feel comfortable about discussing their issues, and okay with seeking help.
What are your 6 strategies you use to promote your own wellbeing and mental wellness? Can you please give a story or example for each?
Becoming more mindful of what my body needs, giving my body food and nutrients that will serve me. Nutrition and brain chemistry are so connected and an important component in mental wellness. Not in a limiting way, but in a plentiful way. The right foods can improve your mood. Not deprivation, but getting people comfortable with the foods that improve their brain chemistry. Learning what works and what doesn’t (whether it is trial and error or seeking out the help of a professional) , the more we forget about the all or nothing way of looking at things like sleep, self-care, diet, the better off we are in terms of mental wellness.
I stopped eating so much sugar, and it was huge for me. My blood sugar regulated, I had more energy, proving small changes can have a profound effect on your life and mental wellness.
Another thing that really promoted my own well-being was when I started making bracelets. This was before I learned about meditation or mindfulness. My therapist told me to do something to relax, and yet something I was excited about but it also made me feel calm. It was a creative outlet. Activating all parts of your brain can be so helpful. It gives you a comfortable space to figure out what you want your life to be when the body is not in the fight or flight mode. It helped me to open my mind and get in the zone.
Take time to notice your negative self-talk. Learn how to recognize when your negative self-talk is starting to consume your mind. We can’t do this when we neglect self-care for our mental health. We push it away and attempt to distract, but it is a trigger that you need to tune in and talk back to.
For example, one time I found myself thinking, “I should have known better, why did I do that, ugh I’m such an idiot,” when I was putting off a deadline. When I noticed that this negative self-talk was taking control, I was able to pause and take a break from my task and tune into what was really going on in my body and mind, which helped me gain some control over my mood. I got up from my desk and did some breathing. Did it magically make me happy? No, but it gave me a second to slow down and what I realized was I had been sitting there at my desk for over two hours with barely any motivation.
My body needed to move around and my mind deserved that too. I took a walk and called a friend. Less than 30 minutes later I was almost done with my piece. Why? I took a break from my fear-based thoughts and did something that my body needed. I didn’t shut down the computer and binge on Netflix or chocolate, I tried to get mindful and realigned with what was best for me.
When you think of self-care as a mindful minute or two, versus an indulgence that you can’t afford, it does wonders for your self-awareness and ability to recognize that you need to manage your emotions.
What are your favorite books, podcasts, or resources that inspire you to be a mental health champion?
I love everything by Brene Brown, she is so validating for all populations of people. She is very authentic and genuine about her own life, which makes people feel really connected to her.
I really like my book as well because it teaches you to communicate with confidence and express your emotions to others.
Anything by Gabrielle Bernstein about how to be mindful and meditative.
Marianne Williamson helps me to let go of pain, find the path to mental wellness, and she gets me more grounded and real in my emotions.
Healthyplace.com where people write about their own struggles, but also it provides support and resources.
Podcast: Gary Vaynerchuk, he gets you into a positive mindset pretty quickly.
Tim Ferriss Podcast: He is a marketing and mental health entrepreneur, and talks about his own mental health struggles. And he has been so successful in spite of them; it really de-stigmatizes emotional issues, offers tools, techniques and mental health plans that worked for him. He also interviews others about what worked for them.
Thank you so much for these insights! This was so inspiring!
“Society can help de-stigmatize mental illness by creating trauma-informed organizations and communities.” with Debra Anderson
Society can help de-stigmatize mental illness by creating trauma-informed organizations and communities. Whether it’s training your community about trauma or developing wellness policies for your organization, the more we normalize mental illness, the better off we’ll be.
I had the pleasure of interviewing Debra Anderson, MSW, PhD, a Senior Director at Project Harmony Child Advocacy Center. She oversees four program areas: the Connections program, a mental health program dedicated to early intervention services for children; the Training institute; Human Resources; and Research/Data. Connections increases access to mental health services for children and families; provides evidence based training and support for mental health professionals, and increases community capacity in serving children and families. The Training Institute provides education about child abuse and neglect topics, and the staff train over 14,000 people each year. Dr. Anderson has presented at regional, national, and international conferences, including the San Diego International Child Abuse and Neglect Conference, Protect our Children, National Children’s Alliance, and the National Children’s Advocacy Conference. She has 30 years of experience training and consulting to public and private child welfare agencies. Prior to Project Harmony, Dr. Anderson was a professor of social work at Creighton University and the University of Nebraska-Omaha.
Thank you so much for joining us! Can you tell us the “backstory” about what brought you to this specific career path?
I quite accidentally found social work. During my freshman year of college, when I wasn’t sure what I was doing or where I was going or what I wanted to do with my life, my father entered treatment for alcoholism. For the very first time, my family openly acknowledged our need for help. Part of my dad’s treatment included a week of family therapy, so I took time off from college, moved home, and went to what was called “family week.” The experience saved my family, and I knew I wanted to be able to do what the counselors did for us. I switched schools and changed my major to social work. The beauty of this field is that one can work in so many different settings, and I’ve taken advantage of that. I’ve worked in schools, nursing homes, hospitals, public child welfare, and eventually I obtained a doctorate and became an academic.
Twelve years ago I came to Project Harmony Child Advocacy Center to start the Training Institute. We provide training about child abuse and neglect for law enforcement, legal professionals, child protective services, medical staff, school employees, and others who work with children. Last year the training team trained over 15,000 people!
In 2014, community leaders recognized a growing need for children to have quality mental health care. We know that 60% of all children are exposed to violence and trauma each year, and most don’t receive mental health care, Schools were especially challenged with addressing their students’ mental health needs. So with support from private donors, Project Harmony started an early intervention program for elementary and middle-school youth called Connections and I was given the opportunity to be the first director. Since opening our doors in 2015, we’ve served over 4000 children, youth, and families.
According to Mental Health America’s report, over 44 million Americans have a mental health condition. Yet there’s still a stigma about mental illness. Can you share a few reasons you think this is so?
We’re afraid of what we don’t understand. And mental illness is hard to understand. If a friend or family member suffers from depression, we tend to think they ought to take some meds and snap out of it. If someone you know suffers from psychosis, their behavior may be unpredictable, and that can be scary. If someone you love is suicidal, it can cause feelings of helplessness and despair. Mental illness can evoke unpleasant feelings for us — fear, sadness, anger, helplessness — and I think most of us prefer to avoid those feelings. As a result, we avoid people who have mental illnesses and in turn, those of us who have struggled with depression or anxiety or another type of mental illness may keep it to ourselves. This increases isolation which can escalate the mental illness.
Can you tell our readers about how you are helping to de-stigmatize the focus on mental wellness?
I love your term, “mental wellness” instead of “mental illness.” I think if we use that terminology more, it would help de-stigmatize mental illness.
We de-stigmatize mental illness when we acknowledge how common it is, and when we share our stories, when we stop isolating, when we stop treating others as different. I think it helps to hear celebrities open up about their mental health conditions — Demi Lovato, Chrissy Teigen, Prince Harry, Kendrick Lamar, Bruce Springsteen — because we see that people can struggle with mental health issues and be successful.
It also helps when we recognize and support self-care initiatives. Schools are promoting mindful meditation, yoga, mentoring, and other activities that build resilience. Organizations like mine are recognizing that the work we do can lead to secondary trauma and are developing wellness programs that support employees. Cities like Omaha are launching “trauma-informed community” initiatives — ours is called Trauma Matters Omaha. The goal is to two fold — to help recognize the impact of trauma on every one of us and to educate people to respond in a trauma-informed, as opposed to judgmental, way. The more we seek to understand the other person, the more we learn her story, the less we will judge her.
Was there a story behind why you decided to launch this initiative?
As a child advocacy center, Project Harmony has been responding to child abuse and neglect for over 22 years. When children are alleged to have been physically or sexually abused, they come to Project Harmony for a forensic assessment to gather evidence about the allegation. The assessment includes an interview, medical exam, advocacy and mental health services.
Five years ago, we add a phrase to our mission statement — to protect and support children, collaborate with professionals and engage the community to end child abuse and neglect. If we truly want to end child abuse and neglect, we believe we need to prevent it before it starts.
Connections helps us end child abuse and neglect because we help children and their families access high quality mental health services before abuse happens. We consider ourselves a one-stop shop for children’s mental health needs. Schools refer students to us, we match them with a qualified mental health therapist, and we provide support to families if they encounter barriers such as transportation, child care, or no insurance. Providing coordinated referral and supported therapy services has enabled children and families to access therapy in cases where they may have gone without. And by providing evidence-based training to community mental health therapists, we have confidence that the quality of therapy is high.
In your experience, what should a) individuals b) society, and c) the government do to better support people suffering from mental illness?
a) Individuals should seek to understand others rather than judge them. Oftentimes the most helpful thing a person can do is simply be there and be supportive. Don’t ignore or avoid, but stay with that person.
b) Society can help de-stigmatize mental illness by creating trauma-informed organizations and communities. Whether it’s training your community about trauma or developing wellness policies for your organization, the more we normalize mental illness, the better off we’ll be.
c) While mental health parity is theoretically available, our government can do more to ensure it is actually available. Medicaid expansion is needed, rates for behavioral health care need to increase, mental health services need to be more available at all levels — from outpatient to inpatient care and everything in between.
What are your 6 strategies you use to promote your own wellbeing and mental wellness? Can you please give a story or example for each?
I like to think I’m good at taking care of myself, but honestly, when work and life get overly busy, I drink too much coffee, eat too much junk food, and sleep too little. At my best, though, here are a few things that help me.
1) Without fail, I read devotions every single morning. My day doesn’t begin well unless I read first. I get up early, pour a cup of coffee, sit in my rocking chair and have quiet time before the world awakes.
2) I work out. This isn’t my favorite thing to do, but I love how I feel when it’s over. No gym, just me in my basement. I put on an old-fashioned DVD and work up a sweat.
3) I listen to instrumental music at work. My mind is like a hamster on a wheel, running, running, running, so soft music calms me.
4) I talk to a friend. When I’m feeling stressed or confused or indecisive, I have a nice long heart-to-heart with a friend. It always helps.
5) I get busy in the kitchen. I have a chronic illness and avoid gluten, dairy, and grains, and when I’m taking care of myself, I cook and bake foods that are delicious and healthy. (And I have a husband who cooks for me, too).
6) I keep a gratitude journal. I started this a few years ago during a particularly difficult time in my life when I didn’t think I had anything to be grateful for. My therapist recommended that I write down 3 things each day that I was thankful for, and they couldn’t be the same things. I began looking for simple things that made me happy — like the very first cup of coffee in the morning, or seeing an eagle fly as I drove home from work.
What are your favorite books, podcasts, or resources that inspire you to be a mental health champion?
Where to begin?!
I am a podcast junkie — I regularly listen to For the Love with Jen Hatmaker; The Next Best Thing with Emily P Freeman (about decision-making); Clear and Vivid with Alan Alda (esp loved his interview with Father Greg Boyle); Everything Happens for a Reason with Kate Bowler; and What Should I Read Next with Anne Bogel.
I’m inspired by reading about how people have dealt with adversity in their lives. My favorite type of book is memoir, especially spiritual memoir. Some recent loves were Shauna NIequist’s Present over Perfect and Bread and Wine; Tara Westover’s Educated; and Kelly Corrigan’s The Middle Place.
I turn to several online resources at work, including the National Child Traumatic Stress Network; the ACES Connection; and Child Welfare Information Gateway. And I’m delighted that the leadership group at Project Harmony has read several books together, including Reality Based Leadership and No Ego, both by Cy Wakeman; Crucial Conversations, and FYI: For Your Improvement.
“Public avenues too often highlight an inappropriate connection between violence and mental illness.” with Carolyn Beauchamp
To this day, we are still in the process of transforming state psychiatric hospitals from custodial to treatment-focused facilities based on wellness and recovery. Even recently, it has taken strong advocacy nationwide to have mental illnesses included in insurance coverages to foster equal treatment opportunities. In addition, culturally, public avenues too often highlight an inappropriate connection between violence and mental illness. This linkage seems to be titillating and helps foster a fear of those with mental illnesses, opening the door to scapegoating and misunderstanding.
I had the pleasure to interview Carolyn Beauchamp. As President of the Mental Health Association in New Jersey (MHANJ), Carolyn Beauchamp has been a leader in the public mental health field for over three decades. A graduate of Gettysburg College, Ms. Beauchamp received her M.S.S.W. from Columbia University School of Social Work and pursued three years of post-graduate training in family therapy at the Mid-Jersey Institute for Family Therapy. Her lifelong commitment to advocating for persons with mental illness has been the driving force in her professional life. The Mental Health Association in New Jersey is a statewide non-profit organization that strives for children and adults to achieve victory over mental illness and substance use disorders through advocacy, education, training and services.
Thank you so much for joining us! Can you tell us the “backstory” about what brought you to this specific career path?
From the time I was in middle school I knew I wanted to be a therapist — to help people who were suffering from emotional distress. I have always been aware and interested in how others were feeling and was sensitive to when they felt uncomfortable or hurt. There was mental illness in my family, and I was aware of the importance of therapy in bringing relief.
According to Mental Health America’s report, over 44 million Americans have a mental health condition. Yet there’s still a stigma about mental illness. Can you share a few reasons you think this is so?
Mental illness has historically been considered separate from the field of medicine. Seen as a character flaw or possession by demons, treatment was not a remedy — distance from society in “madhouses” and other methods of containment were acceptable solutions. To this day, we are still in the process of transforming state psychiatric hospitals from custodial to treatment-focused facilities based on wellness and recovery. Even recently, it has taken strong advocacy nationwide to have mental illnesses included in insurance coverages to foster equal treatment opportunities. In addition, culturally, public avenues too often highlight an inappropriate connection between violence and mental illness. This linkage seems to be titillating and helps foster a fear of those with mental illnesses, opening the door to scapegoating and misunderstanding.
Can you tell our readers about how you are helping to de-stigmatize the focus on mental wellness?
MHANJ is the strongest provider and organizer of Mental Health First Aid in New Jersey (MHFA). This is an educational program that teaches individuals how to intervene when made aware of someone in emotional distress. In this way it’s similar to administering first aid for physical emergencies. Implementing role-playing and simulations, MHFA educates participants by demonstrating how to offer initial help in a mental health crisis and connecting individuals to the appropriate professional, peer, social and self-help care. This sort of empowerment and education reduces fear of those with mental illness and provides the opportunity for personal contact, which is one of the best methods of reducing erroneous beliefs surrounding mental illness. Organizations who utilize these trainings include police departments, state agencies, hospital staff, and individuals.
Was there a story behind why you decided to launch this initiative?
In response to Superstorm Sandy in 2012, MHANJ led the FEMA Crisis Counseling Program, NJ Hope and Healing, across the state. Our experience at the ground level led to a realization that communities and organizations wanted to help people suffering with emotional problems related to the trauma of the hurricane as well as with the physical aftermath of the storm, but they didn’t have the skills they needed to provide assistance. Mental Health First Aid was established in response to this need as a new tool for educating and reducing stigma around mental illness. As part of the front-line crisis response team, we recognized this program was a natural fit and would allow us to reach and help the most vulnerable citizens impacted by the hurricane.
In your experience, what should a) individuals b) society, and c) the government do to better support people suffering from mental illness?
All three categories need to recognize that mental illness is an illness like any other and needs to be treated as such. From the government’s perspective, this means there needs to be an array of treatments available to people and insurance should include mental illnesses in the same way it includes other medical conditions. As for individuals and society at large, there needs to be a deeper understanding and greater recognition that just like any physical disease, people with mental illnesses are suffering through no fault of their own. All they want is to be well and recover and we need to support them through that process.
What are your 6 strategies you use to promote your own wellbeing and mental wellness? Can you please give a story or example for each?
Staying Active — I love exercising, and I do so regularly. I take dance lessons with my husband, specializing in the tango.
Fostering Relationships — Strong interpersonal relationships are important to me. I work closely with staff and maintain friendships both at work and within my community. I’m also currently politically active.
Engaging in Advocacy — Developing new contacts and relationships is important to advocacy and also to keep me interested and excited about new developments and relationships.
Practicing Yoga — Bringing balance to life is crucial and finding and practicing ways to calm and relax is a constant challenge. I practice yoga as part of balancing my life.
Meditating — Pursuing a spiritual practice is important to me. I meditate every evening as part of my evening ritual.
Connecting with Nature — I love being in nature and birdwatch whenever there’s an opportunity. Hiking in the woods is also an important activity that helps me feel closer to the earth.
What are your favorite books, podcasts, or resources that inspire you to be a mental health champion?
Surrounding myself with and interacting with those with serious mental illness has always provided the most powerful and meaningful inspiration for me. Ever since my first job in the field at Greystone Psychiatric Hospital, I learned then and continue to realize to this day that listening to those who are dealing with a serious illness teaches me the most. Many of MHANJ’s initiatives were developed based on information that came directly from those with lived experience.
Thank you so much for these insights! This was so inspiring!
Women in STEM: “If your team doesn’t trust you, you are not a leader.” with Roni Frank and Fotis Georgiadis
Trust is everything. If your team doesn’t trust you, you are not a leader. Period. Your ability as a leader to inspire and motivate employees is based on trust. When people trust you, they have confidence in your decisions.
I had the pleasure of interviewing Roni Frank,Co-Founder of Talkspace, an online therapy platform and mobile app that connect clients directly with licensed therapists anytime and anywhere. Roni, who serves as Head of Clinical Services, is leading the company’s provider network of more than 1,500 therapists and responsible for quality of clinical service and therapist network growth. Roni is committed to open access to mental health care for every person in need. Roni and her husband co-founded Talkspace in 2012, while she was pursuing her Master’s degree in Psychoanalysis and Psychotherapy at the New York Graduate School of Psychoanalysis. Roni earned her degree in 2013. Before co-founding Talkspace, Roni was a software developer at Amdocs, a leading software and services provider to communications and media companies. Roni received a Bachelor’s degree in Computer Science from the Interdisciplinary Center in Herzliya, Israel, in 2000.
Can you tell us a story about what brought you to this specific career path?
I graduated with a bachelor’s degree in Computer Science, and worked for six years as a software developer in IT. I thought software development would be my career path.
It wasn’t until my husband, Oren, and I experienced a crisis in our marriage and decided to go to couples therapy that I even considered a career change. My experience in therapy was so powerful that it ultimately led me back to graduate school to study psychology. It was there that I learned about the obstacles in mental health care and the entry barriers so many people face.
Research shows that 1 in 5 U.S. citizens suffer from mental health issues each year, And yet roughly two thirds of them don’t have access to services — that’s 35 million people who need care completely left without it. I was passionate about fixing this gap and expanding access to mental health care.
Can you share the most interesting story that happened to you since you began leading your company?
When Oren and I first founded Talkspace, we were worried about working together and about how it would affect our marriage. Our friends and family also seemed concerned, warning us that starting a company together might damage our relationship and the family dynamic. As it turned out, working together feels almost like raising a third child. At work and at home, we both feel that the support we get from one another allows us to overcome the shared challenges we face. Our relationship actually now feels more equal and empowering.
Can you share a story about the funniest mistake you made when you were first starting? Can you tell us what lesson you learned from that?
When we launched Talkspace, the first service we offered was scheduled video therapy sessions. No one was signing up — people just weren’t engaged with the service.
But they were interested in something else. At the bottom of our old homepage, there was a button that said “Customer Support,” which we eventually realized users were interpreting as “clinical support.” Since we were so small at the time, I was actually the person checking the Customer Support inbox, which quickly became flooded with emails from people about their personal problems.
After a few months, we realized that people wanted to be able to communicate via text, without the need to schedule an appointment. This was huge intel, and inspired us to revamp the model of online therapy we were creating. We moved to messaging therapy and re-launched the product anew in 2014. People immediately started to sign up!
From this experience I learned that if you want to deliver value for your customers, you have to listen to them. It’s so important to speak to your customers early and often to learn about what they want, what they don’t want and what they need.
What do you think makes your company stand out? Can you share a story?
Talkspace stands out because of our culture: we prioritize kindness and supporting one another, period. This helps us cultivate a safe environment for curiosity, innovation and risk-taking, which is critical for the success of any start-up. No matter how talented a given candidate is, we only hire people whose values are aligned with ours.
Are you working on any exciting new projects now? How do you think that will help people?
Talkspace recently launched psychiatry services as part of our mission to make quality mental health care accessible and affordable for all. For some mental health conditions, a combined treatment of psychotherapy and medication would be more effective and would lead to better clinical outcomes, so it’s important for us to be able to offer all options on the Talkspace platform and to allow people the highest level of care.
What advice would you give to other female leaders to help their team to thrive?
It’s not necessary to emulate stereotypically “masculine” qualities in order to be a successful, assertive leader. Instead, stay authentic, quiet those voices that tell you that you need to show more dominance, power or control. These qualities, despite being considered “strong and masculine” are not effective. On the contrary, they create damage in companies and in society — and eventually they will create damage in you. Realize your strengths and advantages as a woman, and that you bring something else to the table that is very powerful and critical for the success of your organization.
What advice would you give to other female leaders about the best way to manage a large team?
My advice to any leader — regardless of gender — about how to manage a large team is to hire people you completely trust, and always lead them with that trust in mind. Give them the space to grow while you mentor and support them — never micro-manage! Trying to control your team is not only unproductive but will shut down morale and creativity. Micro-management is the opposite of leadership.
How have you used your success to bring goodness to the world?
For the past three years, Talkspace has donated 500 months of free therapy to a population in need. The first year, we donated Talkspace therapy to members of the LGBTQ community in the wake of the Orlando mass-shooting. In 2017, at the start of the #MeToo movement, we donated therapy to female-identified survivors of sexual assault. This year, in collaboration with the non-profit Give an Hour, which provides free mental health care to at-risk populations, we are giving away 500 months of free mental health care to teens in need.
What are your “5 Leadership Lessons I Learned From My Experience” and why. (Please share a story or example for each.)
1. Leadership is not about you. It’s about growing other people, helping them reach their full potential. Once you are a leader it stops being about your individual talents, your successes, and starts being all about coaching, motivating, teaching, supporting and finding resources for your team. Leadership is about helping other people become the best they can be.
2. Trust is everything. If your team doesn’t trust you, you are not a leader. Period. Your ability as a leader to inspire and motivate employees is based on trust. When people trust you, they have confidence in your decisions.
3. Sense of purpose. When employees have a strong sense of why they’re doing it and where it’s heading, they engage with work in a profoundly different way. A leader’s role is to show each employee how their work is essential to achieving the company’s mission. Sense of purpose fuels passion and allows people to rise above the challenges.
4. Empowering employees. Leadership is about creating a work environment in which people are empowered. That means encouraging employees to take ownership and make decisions without supervision. To empower employees, leaders need to delegate, set clear expectations, give employees autonomy over assignments, give constructive feedback and last but not least — recognize employees for hard work and successes!
5. Lead with empathy. Empathy is the skill of understanding and recognizing others’ feelings and perspectives. You cannot effectively lead someone you don’t understand. To practice empathy, you need to set aside your perspective and listen to the other person tell you about theirs. Listen carefully and ask thoughtful questions.
Empathetic leadership is essential for employee retention, productivity and happiness at the company.
Can you please give us your favorite “Life Lesson Quote”? Can you share how that was relevant to you in your life?
“Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed people can change the world. Indeed. It is the only thing that ever has.” — Margaret Mead
When we first started Talkspace, we were a small group of people passionate about making a difference. Having a strong, dedicated and passionate team is everything! As a founder, you need to believe that this group of people can build something new, stay committed, and with patience, change the world.
Women in STEM: “Even large teams are about people and individuals.” with Diane Hoskins and Fotis Georgiadis
Even large teams are about people and individuals. Understanding the people you are working with is critical. What motivates them? What are their best capabilities and where can they grow? In addition, large teams need a clear vision. Exploring the “why.” Why is the project important and how will it impact people and the world? If you start with the vision — where we are going and why — you can always inspire the people on your team. By understanding the people you work with, you can guide them to the best places for them to contribute to achieving the vision. The operational and organizational management will be a lot easier with people focused on a clear vision.
Thrive Global Interview Questions
I had the pleasure of interviewing Diane Hoskins, co-CEO of Gensler (the world’s largest architecture firm), is a registered architect who graduated from the Massachusetts Institute of Technology and holds an MBA from the Anderson Graduate School of Management at UCLA. Diane received an Outstanding Impact Award from the Council of Real Estate Women, is a Regent of the American Architectural Foundation and was named one of Business Insider’s top 100 creators. Her insights have appeared in the Financial Times, Harvard Business Review, the Washington Post, and The Economist, among many others; and she regularly speaks at premier conferences, including the Bloomberg Business Forum, International Women’s Forum and the Wall Street Journal’s Future of Cities.
Can you tell us a story about what brought you to this specific career path?
For me, becoming an architect was the result of many influences and interests coming together. Early on, I was a prolific Lego fanatic with towers and buildings underway at all times. Then, as I started to set my sights on more ambitious projects, I used to “borrow” full sized bricks from a nearby construction site to build stuff in our backyard. I guess you could say I was born with a desire to build and create. From the nurture standpoint, my mom exposed me to art and architecture at an early age. She was trained as an artist and photographer and had me in art classes at the Art Institute of Chicago at the age of 5. We would always look at buildings around Chicago and our home was filled with tons of books and magazines on architecture. I remember at about 8 years old being completely captivated by one of the monthly Architectural Record magazines we received. It was around that time I decided to be an architect. I really wanted to be part of creating beautiful places.
Since becoming an architect, I still love the visceral experience of creating, but what is more important to me is the positive impact that design can have on people’s lives. Design is a powerful tool that can improve people’s lives by creating effective workplaces, schools that support learning and healthcare facilities that help people heal. As a leader, I focus on inspiring our designers and architects to think holistically about the opportunity to enhance the human experience with every project we touch.
Can you share the most interesting story that happened to you since you began leading your company?
The best thing that has happened to me at Gensler has been the wonderful opportunity to be both an architect and a leader. The most surprising thing has been how similar the process of creating captivating design is to the best practices of leadership. Design is about taking a big idea through all the critical steps needed to bring it to reality. That is precisely the same thing that I try and do as a leader. As designers, we create an approach based on a combination of listening, observing, talking, bringing in outside information, and ultimately adding your instincts. Timelines, resources and iterations follow this. Finally, you get the results. This defines design and it’s also my leadership style for everything.
What do you think makes your company stand out? Can you share a story?
I am so proud to be at Gensler. Our firm stands out because of our optimism. We believe that our work can change people’s lives for the better. We repeatedly hear how much our projects matter to the people who use the places and spaces we design. It is a real delight to know that you can “pay it forward” by what you design.
An example that goes back a few years was when I led a design team to create a call center where hundreds of people were going to work. Working at a call center is a tough job, and this organization had massive turnover and absenteeism. We spent over a year designing the facility and paid careful attention to the aspects of the design that would improve the experience of the people who worked there. The week prior to opening day, they had a party for the employees and their families. I’ll never forget the kids running through the space with incredible excitement and the individuals showing their workplace to their husbands and wives with so much pride and expectation. I knew then that I wanted to dedicate my life to making experiences like this happen for people. This is what we do at Gensler every day and why I’m so excited to come to work every day!
Are you working on any exciting new projects now? How do you think that will help people?
We have a company-wide phone call every Monday where we share all the great work going on across the firm and around the globe. Every week I am blown away by the sheer magnitude of some of the projects and the profoundly touching aspects of others. For example, this week, one team reported on an amazing airport that we are going to be working on in a developing country. It sounded so great to me because it’s not just an airport we’re designing. It’s an opportunity to help that country position itself for the future. It can help create jobs, and improve the economy, and open doors to new markets and enable its citizens to see and experience the whole rest of the world.
In a different case but on the same call, another team told us about helping rebuild a local Ronald McDonald House that had been ravaged by bad weather. It was an incredible opportunity to touch the lives of these children. All the projects — big, small, local, global — they all touch people’s lives. We can really make a difference as we help countries, cities, communities and people.
What advice would you give to other female leaders to help their team to thrive?
First, actively seek out a great place to work that is diverse and people-focused. At Gensler, we are over 50 percent female and our people come from every area of the world. In fact, we speak over 80 languages. Our design solutions are unique because they are driven by diverse points of view. Millennials make up more than half of our firm and we always make sure everyone feels their opinions are heard and they have a seat at the table. Find a company with a mission that aligns with your values and actively gives back to the community through charitable and civic organizations.
If I were to make a specific recommendation to new female leaders, it would be something that enhanced my career: Find mentors — male and female. Having people with whom you can discuss professional challenges, and really wants to see you succeed, can make a world of difference.
What advice would you give leaders about the best way to manage a large team?
Even large teams are about people and individuals. Understanding the people you are working with is critical. What motivates them? What are their best capabilities and where can they grow? In addition, large teams need a clear vision. Exploring the “why.” Why is the project important and how will it impact people and the world? If you start with the vision — where we are going and why — you can always inspire the people on your team. By understanding the people you work with, you can guide them to the best places for them to contribute to achieving the vision. The operational and organizational management will be a lot easier with people focused on a clear vision.
What are your “5 Leadership Lessons I Learned from My Experience” and why? (Please share a story or example for each.)
Lesson One: Your uniqueness is your strength. Great leaders are memorable because they bring a unique set of gifts and direction to those around them. I firmly believe that a diversity of people and perspectives drives innovation in any setting. Each one of us has different experiences and backgrounds, meaning our unique perspectives are our competitive advantages.
Lesson Two: Be a collaborator: Great ideas come as a result of people engaging with people. You can inspire others to think of great ideas, and others can inspire you to think in new ways. However, collaboration is more than just brainstorming or ideating in a group. Learning how to facilitate collaboration is a critical skill to master. People will share and work together if they know they are heard, and their contribution is valued. Learn what it means to facilitate great collaboration.
Lesson Three: Recognize the greatness in others. Every person is a unique, special combination of skills and talents. But most people don’t really have anyone to acknowledge the special individual abilities they have. I think we sometimes instinctively offer universal compliments without taking the time to express genuine advice. When you develop your skills to see others’ strengths, you can unlock their potential and motivate them to be great. I do this all the time. I used to ride the bus to and from work and often I would end up sitting next to someone who would talk to me about their job. I would always take the time to really listen to them and help them realize the strengths within themselves. I do the same in all aspects of my life.
Lesson Four: Life is about patterns. Find a pattern of balance in your life. I am super busy during the week, so I completely turn off work during the weekends. I eat away from home often, so I make an effort to cook dinner at home whenever I can. I am with people all the time, so I intentionally try to build in alone time. I find that all the extremes, especially those that are out of your control, can be balanced by interjecting the opposite. For me, this is the key to the long view of life.
Lesson Five: If you are stuck, make a list. Enough said.
Women in STEM: RetailMeNot’s Kelli Beougher, “ When you become a leader, it’s really not about you anymore.” with Fotis Georgiadis
Be humble — No one wants to work for or with an arrogant self-promoter. When you become a leader, it’s really not about you anymore. It’s about the team and the company. Own your mistakes and be willing to talk about them. It’ll give others the courage to take risks.
I had the pleasure of interviewing Kelli Beougher, RetailMeNot’s Chief Operating Officer. Kelli leads the company’s account management, advertising sales, operations and merchandising duties as chief operating officer. She also manages the integration of domestic and international acquisitions for the company. Since joining RetailMeNot, Inc. in 2009 as employee number two, Kelli has instrumentally grown the company in the United States and abroad by expanding the portfolio of websites and growing a team of top talent. Prior to RetailMeNot, she was the senior vice president at LinkShare, where she was responsible for advertiser and publisher services and all lines of business in North America. Kelli started her career in GE Capital’s management program. At GE, she held roles in client and corporate marketing and Six Sigma operations. Kelli holds a Bachelor of Business Administration from the University of Texas at Austin.
Thank you so much for doing this with us! Can you tell us a story about what brought you to this specific career path?
I started my career at GE Capital and was fortunate to be a part of their two-year Management Development Program. Early in my career, the company made a significant investment in my development. I had the opportunity to work in multiple functions and manage people, large programs and budgets before I barely knew enough to be dangerous. My managers, all of whom were exceptional, gave me ownership of a number ambiguous situations and empowered me to go figure it out. It was a very collaborative and data-led culture, and that early experience gave me a solid foundation for the broad operating role I have today.
Then about nine years ago, I decided to take a risk, leave Manhattan to come back to Austin, and join this very early stage startup: WhaleShark Media (now RetailMeNot), as one of the very first employees. Since then, I’ve been fortunate to grow along with the business, leading to natural step changes in scope of responsibility and a special connection to our mission, culture, team and customers.
Can you share the most interesting story that happened to you since you began leading your company?
Less than a year into the company’s existence, I worked alongside our founder, Cotter Cunningham, to raise considerable capital to buy RetailMeNot.com. We were ultimately successful and acquired the business. Then the real fun began — learning, running and rapidly scaling the website while building out our team. This experience included many firsts for me, and was an intense period of growth that required a lot of learning on the fly. Super fun — terrifying at times — and incredibly fulfilling.
Can you share a story about the funniest mistake you made when you were first starting? Can you tell us what lesson you learned from that?
What I remember most about starting out isn’t so much a particular funny mistake but, rather, being tossed into a series of new environments and ambiguous situations where I had little to no relevant experience. These were all part of the GE management program, and every six months I found myself in a new city with new functions and responsibilities. I remember being given my first project which was to build a call center forecasting/staffing model. Huh? I had no idea where to even begin. Through a lot of support, a thousand questions and loads of determination, I managed to figure it out. Those first years helped me develop resilience and taught me to embrace rather than fear change and ambiguity.
What do you think makes your company stand out? Can you share a story?
Two things come to mind when I think about how proud I am of RetailMeNot: our mission to help make everyday life more affordable, and our highly transparent, inclusive and collaborative culture.
As part of our Diversity and Inclusion program, we have a number of Employee Resource Groups (ERGs) where team members come together, on an entirely volunteer basis, to connect around something that is important to them. The level of engagement is incredible. It gives folks a special way of connecting and leading. I’m lucky to be the Executive Sponsor of our Parents ERG supporting two of our team members that lead the group. I love my discussions with the folks involved in this group — we inevitably spend half the meeting telling stories about our kids and sharing parenting advice. I’m usually the one asking for advice!
What advice would you give to other female leaders to help their team to thrive?
My best advice is to help each individual on the team see their connection to the company vision and strategy. Create a team environment where everyone can find their voice as opposed to a dynamic where the loudest voice in the room always wins. Be candid and open.
What advice would you give to other female leaders about the best way to manage a large team?
When teams are small, it’s so much easier to know everyone by name and stay connected at all levels of the organization. As organizations grow, that becomes so much harder. My advice is to be purposeful about carving out time to stay connected. Also, with larger teams, it’s even more critical to help folks understand how their work matters and supports the bigger picture.
None of us are able to achieve success without some help along the way. Is there a particular person who you are grateful towards who helped get you to where you are? Can you share a story about that?
It’s impossible for me to highlight just one, as I’ve been so lucky to have a number of great managers and mentors throughout my career. They encouraged me to speak my mind, nudged me to take on new and sometimes uncomfortable challenges, and gave me more responsibility before I knew I was ready.
I was lucky to work with a couple of very strong female leaders earlier in my career: Beth Petrunoff at GE and Heidi Messer, co-founder of LinkShare. Both Beth and Heidi are supportive, fearless, highly intelligent, candid, authentic women. With them as role models, it felt natural to take a seat at the table and express my opinion.
How have you used your success to bring goodness to the world?
I have been incredibly fortunate in my life, and I’m most proud of my role in supporting a small and very special children’s home outside of Nairobi called Maisha Children’s Home. A woman by the name Susan Wangare, supported by her daughter and son-in-law, rescued over 20 children from the streets and slums of Nairobi and brought them into her home. With the help of an amazing team of selfless caregivers, the kids are growing up in a loving environment, getting an education, and thriving. Spending time at Maisha, experiencing day to day life with the children, is one of my greatest life experiences. I’m so inspired by their smiles, laughter, resilience and deep bond with one other.
What are your “5 Leadership Lessons I Learned From My Experience” and why. (Please share a story or example for each.)
Be humble — No one wants to work for or with an arrogant self-promoter. When you become a leader, it’s really not about you anymore. It’s about the team and the company. Own your mistakes and be willing to talk about them. It’ll give others the courage to take risks.
Be authentic — Don’t try and be someone you’re not. If you’re faking it or half in on something, people will see through it. You’ll bring more positive energy to every situation if you can just be yourself.
Be candid — If you shoot straight with people, they will trust you more. Don’t shy away from difficult conversations. Everyone deserves to know where they stand.
Be mindful of the quieter folks in the room — Create a safe space where people can truly be themselves, have a voice, and take risks without fear of failure. Everyone expresses themselves in different ways. As the leader, you are responsible for ensuring everyone feels heard.
Be intentional — Connect with people and help them feel connected to the broader team and company purpose. This is particularly important when a business is facing challenges or going through significant change.
You are a person of great influence. If you could inspire a movement that would bring the most amount of good to the most amount of people, what would that be? You never know what your idea can trigger. 🙂
We’re tethered to our devices. I don’t know exactly what the “movement” is but as a society we need to put our phones down, look up, take a deep breath and spend more time being present and connecting on a more personal level.
Can you please give us your favorite “Life Lesson Quote”? Can you share how that was relevant to you in your life?
Two come to mind.
“Happiness is when what you think, what you say, and what you do are in harmony.” — Mahatma Gandhi. For me, this is about having alignment in my life. Whenever I start to feel there is a fundamental disconnect between what’s in my mind, words and actions, it’s time to check in with myself, reflect and bring things back into a state of balance. I think this is one of the reasons I’m so drawn to maintaining a steady yoga practice.
“You can’t have it all, all at once.” — Ruth Bader Ginsburg. As a working mom and single parent, it’s an honest and comforting acknowledgement of the difficult trade-offs all working parents face on a daily basis.
Some of the biggest names in Business, VC funding, Sports, and Entertainment read this column. Is there a person in the world, or in the US with whom you would love to have a private breakfast or lunch with, and why? He or she might just see this if we tag them.
Ruth Bader Ginsburg. She is such an inspiration and force for positive change. So many things I admire about her not the least of which is her courage, perseverance and authentic style. She has said: “I would like to be remembered as someone who used whatever talent she had to do her work to the very best of her ability.” So humble and simple. I love it.
My daughter, who is two and a half, has this great RBG t-shirt that was given to her by one of my dearest friends. We’ve been reading a book called Who Will I Be?. The book talks about jobs where you can help people. As she put on her RBG shirt the other day, we talked about Justice Ginsburg and how she helps make the world a better place. She responded, “That’s cool mommy”. I couldn’t agree more.
Black Men and Women of the C-Suite: “Diversity of executive leadership is a complex challenge that is compounded by a false belief that we live a post-racial society.” with Dawn Morton-Rias and Fotis Georgiadis
Diversity of executive leadership is a complex challenge that is compounded by a false belief that we live a post-racial society. The fact is that the executive leadership ranks are not very diverse at all, so acknowledging this fact and making efforts to highlight the data on the lack of diversity in executive leadership is a first, important step.
I had the pleasure of interviewing Dawn Morton-Rias of the National Commission on the Certification of Physician Assistants (NCCPA).
Can you tell us a story about what brought you to this specific career path?
Early in life my father emphasized to me, “People are not going to know what to make of you.” Not knowing then how true that statement would be in life, my focus has been to continue to learn and to use whatever platform I may acquire to uplift others and to perform my duties well.
I would love to say that I charted this specific career path, but the reality is that my career has been guided by two very simple principles: keep your tools sharp and follow your passion.
I was a tenured professional and academic dean at a public, university-affiliated medical center in the northeast, and was not looking for a CEO role when the opportunity to lead the National Commission on the Certification of Physician Assistants (NCCPA) was presented.
When I think about where I am today, I realize that all of my previous professional experiences in education, clinical practice as a certified physician assistant, regulation and service have prepared me for this opportunity, which comes at a pivotal time in the assessment space and NCCPA’s history.
In short, my sense is preparation and passion led me to this specific career path.
Can you share the most interesting story that happened to you since you began your career?
In 2015, NCCPA began to look at the process and format of the physician assistant (PA) re-certification assessment. This work remains critically important, as it has the potential to dramatically change the way in which our nation’s PAs demonstrate their understanding of the clinical knowledge, reasoning and medical skills required of them throughout their careers.
This coincided with a dramatic increase in unbridled expression on social media, which at times rose to a level of incivility by some in opposition to our work. The experience reminded our team of both the positive and the destructive uses of online platforms, and the importance of maintaining focus when dealing with important, controversial topics in a social media environment.
Can you share a story about the funniest mistake you made when you were first starting? Can you tell us what lesson you learned from that?
I remember being invited to attend a follow-up meeting. All of the previous meetings with this team had been held off-site. Eager to participate and trying to ensure that I was on time, I drove across town to where the previous meetings had been held. I arrived at the location and quickly realized that I was in the wrong place for this meeting. The convener had decided to meet at our site this time, in a location that was actually just next to the building I worked in. I had driven all of that way for nothing! From that moment on I’ve made it a point to slow down and always read the directions.
Can you share three reasons with our readers about why it’s really important for a business to have a diverse executive team?
America was founded on a principle of inclusion and a bringing together of diverse perspectives. We hear often that America is a melting pot, so it would only make sense that if we want to resonate with our stakeholders that we have executive teams that embody that important, fundamental principle.
When we have professionals of varying backgrounds and experiences, we have an opportunity to live up to that principle and engage in inclusive decision-making. We can get a fuller picture and make the active decision to consider the thoughts of those that haven’t historically had a seat at the table.
This practice not only sends a strong message of commitment to diversity and inclusion to employees and stakeholders, but it provides an opportunity too that aids in the development of the next generation of leaders.
More broadly can you describe how this can have an effect on our culture?
I believe that we have the ability to steer the business world toward adapting a more inclusive climate that is respective of everyone.
Diverse leadership teams afford the insight necessary to consider a broad range of perspectives, and ultimately make more thoughtful, well-rounded decisions. When making business decisions we’re not just thinking about the day-to-day operations, but also what the future looks like.
When I think about the future, I think about the young people who are training now to someday lead and hopefully elevate our organizations. When these young people from all walks of life can look to their leaders, in whatever capacity- whether in the private our public sector and see themselves reflected, it gives them a sense of what is possible. They don’t have to limit their dreams.
Can you recommend three things the community/society/the industry can do help address the root of the diversity issues in executive leadership?
Diversity of executive leadership is a complex challenge that is compounded by a false belief that we live a post-racial society. The fact is that the executive leadership ranks are not very diverse at all, so acknowledging this fact and making efforts to highlight the data on the lack of diversity in executive leadership is a first, important step.
Second, executive leaders have an opportunity to challenge their organizations to foster diversity within their ranks through inclusive employee recruitment, retention strategies and internship programs.
Finally, diverse leaders have an opportunity, if not an obligation to serve as role models and mentors for students and the next generation of leaders, sharing the overt and covert rules of engagement. Volunteerism at the grassroots level continues to be essential.
How do you define “Leadership”? Can you explain what you mean or give an example?
Leadership is a mindset that is most commonly operationalized through professional position and title, but I think of leadership as an opportunity to leverage positional power and influence to affect change and to empower others.
Leadership embodies the opportunity and obligation to consider a range of situations and perspectives that have far reaching implications, while attending to the needs and concerns of those impacted. To me, leadership means that you live and lead with integrity and that you only ask others to do what you are willing to do as well. To do that, you must “know” your team, what motivates and matters to them.
What are your “5 things I wish someone told me when I first started” and why. Please share a story or example for each.
1. Ask questions. Untethered enthusiasm and optimism are hallmarks of youth, and that can-do spirit enables one to leap into new opportunities. I’m not sure I would have adhered to advice, even if it had been offered.
2. No matter what you do in leadership, there will always be naysayers and opponents. Perseverance and resilience are important. I believe that I have a healthy portion of both attributes, but it might have been helpful to be advised early on how vital these attributes would be.
3. Juggling competing demands is difficult, especially early in one’s career. It took a while to acquire the fortitude to decline invitations and opportunities. Perhaps it would have been helpful to know that it was alright to say, “No thank you” more often. I placed additional and often unnecessary pressure on myself to balance competing demands and expectations and to establish better work-life balance. Millennials may have a better handle on this aspect of professional life.
4. Staying on top of your game is a continuous exercise, even at the executive level. In my profession, we often cite the importance for clinicians to continue to refresh their knowledge base and to keep abreast of emerging diagnostics and therapeutics. I was quickly reminded that continued learning applies to all aspects of leadership and management.
5.Travel-ready, timeless attire and comfortable shoes are very important.
You are a person of enormous influence. If you could inspire a movement that would bring the most amount of good to the most amount of people, what would that be? You never know what your idea can trigger. 🙂
I would like to inspire a movement that provides leadership experiences at all phases of life: elementary through secondary school; early career and retirees. There’s a misconception that you have to be of a certain age, or under a certain age to be a competent leader. I disagree.
Can you please give us your favorite “Life Lesson Quote”? Can you share how that was relevant to you in your life?
My favorite “life lesson quote” is actually a poem. The first and last passages from Invictus by William Ernest Henley have always resonated with me, as they embody much of my life’s philosophy:
Out of the night that covers me,
Black as the Pit from pole to pole,
I thank whatever gods may be
For my unconquerable soul.
It matters not how strait the gate,
How charged with punishments the scroll,
I am the master of my fate:
I am the captain of my soul.
Is there a person in the world, or in the US whom you would love to have a private breakfast or lunch with, and why? He or she might just see this, especially if we tag them. 🙂
Without a doubt, Barack Obama and Michelle Obama. I will forever be inspired by their leadership and the profound impact that they have had on this country. Their example has not only inspired generations of young people but has also inspired leaders like me to continue to push harder and to be the change we seek in the world.
“You don’t have to wait for the right time or the right position to become a leader.” With Dr. Noni Thomas López and Fotis Georgiadis
You don’t have to wait for the right time or the right position to become a leader. You can do it on day one. Leaders aren’t born; they’re made. Once I decided that was what I wanted to be, I went about learning the skills to be good at it. I studied my craft. I read books, attended workshops, pursued advanced degrees, prioritized networking and mentorship (as both a mentor and mentee). I’m basically a leadership junkie.
As a part of my series about “Black Men and Women of The C-Suite”, I had the distinct pleasure of interviewing Dr. Noni Thomas López. On July 1, 2018, Dr. Noni Thomas López joined the Gordon School in East Providence, RI as their new Head of School. Gordon is a racially diverse, coeducational independent school serving students in Nursery to eighth grade. Before her move to New England, Noni spent over twenty years as a teacher, administrator, and consultant in New York City independent schools. Most recently, she completed a four-year tenure at Ethical Culture Fieldston School (ECFS) as the Assistant Head of School for Teaching and Learning. Before joining ECFS, Noni served as the Head of Middle School at the Nightingale-Bamford School for five years; prior to that, she was the Middle School Director at the Calhoun School. From 2010–2013, Noni served as a trustee of the Caedmon School, and she is currently Vice Chair of the Board of Trustees of the Bronx Charter School for the Arts. In 2013, Noni founded the Interschool Leadership Institute for Educators of Color, which will welcome its seventh cohort in June 2019. Noni was a member of the New York State Association of Independent Schools’ (NYSAIS) Diversity Committee for six years, and she has presented on leadership and diversity at the National Association of Independent Schools’ Annual and People of Color Conferences, the NYSAIS Emerging Leaders Institute and Diversity Practitioners Conference, the North Carolina Association of Independent Schools’ Women in Leadership Conference, and the 2019 Women’s Summit at Bryant University. Noni has consulted at universities as well as public and private schools on curriculum, organizational leadership, and diversity, equity and inclusion, and provides executive coaching to educators and non-profit leaders. Noni holds a B.A. in English from the University of North Carolina at Chapel Hill and earned her M.A. in Private School Leadership at Teachers College where she was awarded a Joseph Klingenstein Fellowship. In 2016, she completed a doctorate in Educational and Organizational Leadership at the University of Pennsylvania.
Thank you so much for doing this with us! Can you tell us a story about what brought you to this specific career path?
I had no plans to go into teaching. Throughout my life, my family struggled financially; I literally grew up on the wrong side of the railroad tracks. If I wanted to make money, teaching was not the way to go. As I was preparing to graduate from UNC with a degree in English (smart choice for someone looking to make money, huh?), I considered going to law school, but I knew I just didn’t have a passion for it. So, I went to get some advice from my former 8th grade English teacher, and he suggested coming back to my alma mater to teach as an assistant in their lower school. I was not excited about it, but I had no other options.
A few weeks into the job, I knew I had found my calling. There is nothing like working with young people. When you help a child see something in themselves — a gift, a talent, the beginnings of passion — you can shift the trajectory of their lives. It is sacred work.
Can you share the most interesting story that happened to you since you began your career?
I don’t know how interesting it is, but I think of the moment when I became sure that I wanted to become a teacher. In the same instant, I also knew that I wanted to be a leader.
My first job in teaching was at the predominantly white private school that I attended from the seventh to twelfth grades. I was the only black girl in my class, and I never had a teacher of color in my time there. When I returned as a teacher, I wanted to be one of the people making the big decisions, decisions that would impact students of color like me who struggled at times to navigate a very affluent and very white space. Like Aaron Burr in Hamilton, I wanted to be “in the room where it happened.” So, from my first teaching job until the last one before I became a middle school principal, I have also always held some kind of administrative position.
You don’t have to wait for the right time or the right position to become a leader. You can do it on day one. Leaders aren’t born; they’re made. Once I decided that was what I wanted to be, I went about learning the skills to be good at it. I studied my craft. I read books, attended workshops, pursued advanced degrees, prioritized networking and mentorship (as both a mentor and mentee). I’m basically a leadership junkie.
Can you share a story about the funniest mistake you made when you were first starting? Can you tell us what lesson you learned from that?
I’m an introvert. A big one. When I started my first teaching job in a new school, I pretty much kept to myself. But my partner teacher really wanted us to be friends. She would ask me out on “dates” on almost a weekly basis. I kept finding an excuse to say no. Plus, she was white. I hadn’t had a white friend since middle school, and that was intentional.
One day, she could tell I was not myself and asked if I was okay. I took a chance and shared with her that I was having a very difficult time managing my relationship with my son’s father. She listened; she affirmed me; she was a friend. And she has remained one of my best friends ever since. The funny part of the story to me is that we joke now that she forced me to be her friend!
I learned an important lesson that I try to share with folks I mentor today. As people of color in professional spaces, we often have to wear the mask; we mask our vulnerabilities and code switch to get by. We leave pieces of ourselves outside of one of the places where we are supposed to feel most fulfilled — the place of our calling, of our vocation.
That’s important self-preservation. But as we protect ourselves, it’s also important that we stay present to those people that can provide an oasis, a safe port in the storm, and it’s important that we stay open to the possibility that those people may not always be who we expect them to be.
Can you share three reasons with our readers about why it’s really important for a business to have a diverse executive team?
1. We cannot grow in an echo chamber. As a leader, I worry if I feel like I am the smartest person in the room or if there is no dissent in the room. Organizations cannot reach their full potential if ideas, practices, and ways of being aren’t challenged. People of diverse backgrounds, cultures, and experiences bring in diverse ideas, elevate the discourse, and foster personal and professional growth for everyone.
2. We do better work. Schools and businesses serve diverse populations. We are more effective in fulfilling our mission when our leadership reflects the diversity of the people we serve. How many times have we seen companies make egregious decisions (ahem, Gucci) that could have been easily avoided if more diverse voices had been around the table?
3. We are more profitable. While profits don’t apply to my line of work, revenue does. As families seek out school options for their children, more and more of them are examining the diversity of the students, faculty, and administration and asking questions about our equity and inclusion practices. Consumers are asking the same of the market. They want to see themselves and their experiences reflected in the companies to whom they give their dollars.
More broadly can you describe how this can have an effect on our culture?
In my profession, I work with many families of privilege. And whether students are affluent or not, arguably they will leave our school with some measure of advantage just by dint of having a private school education.
So what will they do with that privilege? Our students here at Gordon have been talking about race, equity, and social justice, and they have been a part of a diverse learning community that requires them to respect multiple perspectives and experiences. They will have those lessons with them forever, and when they are in the C-Suites, in the courtrooms, and in the halls of Congress, they will be doing good. They will be dismantling the systems of inequity that prevent everyone in our society from reaching their full potential and enjoying the benefits of a democratic society.
Can you recommend three things the community/society/the industry can do help address the root of the diversity issues in executive leadership?
1. Recognize how institutional systems, racism and sexism in particular, have created the barriers that prevent more people of color from getting to the C-Suite. It’s not a pipeline problem. Just today, a parent shared with me the story of his friend Mohammed who sent out ten resumes and didn’t get one call. The first call for an interview came after he made the decision to legally change his name to John. There are systems that are actively working and that have been working since the founding of this country to keep the C-Suite looking a particular way. “Leaning in” is not the answer. We have to deconstruct the system.
2. Once we acknowledge these systems exist, companies need to center anti-bias training and liberatory practices and create structures and metrics for accountability. We have to know what success looks like. There are people who are trained to support organizations in this work. Find them. Hire them.
3. We need to stop holding up as examples folks of color who have made it to the C-Suite and using them as proof that “we can all do it if we just work hard and believe in ourselves.” Role models are inspiring, but these successes should be the norm, not the exception. If we aren’t examining the systems at play, they will continue to be the rare exceptions.
How do you define “Leadership”? Can you explain what you mean or give an example?
I like thinking about leadership as analogous to stewardship. Author Peter Block actually sees stewardship as an alternative to leadership and defines it as “the willingness to be held accountable for the well-being of an organization by operating in service, rather than control, of those around us.” As a leader, I believe my job is to partner with others to shape the discourse of our community to ensure that the work we are engaged in is always aligned with our core values and is a space where each one of us feels empowered to discover and enact our purpose.
What are your “5 things I wish someone told me when I first started” and why. Please share a story or example for each.
1. Know your worth. Don’t be afraid to advocate for yourself. When I asked for my first raise, my boss thanked me for asking. She — yes, she was female — she warned me that many women will talk themselves out of a raise and never have the conversation. You may not always get a yes, but you should always know and be able to articulate your value.
2. Don’t waste time feeling guilty. Get into action. When I made mistakes, I would spend a lot of time feeling bad about myself and the people I impacted. The best thing to do when you mess up is to take responsibility for it, learn the lessons that need to be learned, and use the experience to do better next time.
3. Having difficult conversations is a skill. You get better at it only with practice. Conflict avoidance only makes a situation worse. There are great resources for managing conflict; if this isn’t your strong suit, you can build your skill set.
4. Prioritize your self-care. As a leader, others follow your example. If you encourage your employees to spend time with their families, but you are sending them emails at 3:00am, what message are you really sending? Flight attendants have great instructions for life: put your oxygen mask on first, before helping others. But this doesn’t mean that you should wait for a crisis to prioritize your self-care!
5. View networking as an essential part of your professional practice. Often, we turn to our networks or look to build our networks when we start a job search or seek a promotion. People of color, especially, should view networking as a lifestyle. A 2018 study in the Harvard Business Review found that social connections lead to greater career success, but it is important that these relationships are meaningful ones. Building those kinds of relationships takes time and intentionality.
You are a person of enormous influence. If you could inspire a movement that would bring the most amount of good to the most amount of people, what would that be? You never know what your idea can trigger. 🙂
Enormous influence??
I suppose I would be interested in building a movement of spiritual education in secular schools. To be clear, I am not talking about religious education. I’m talking about cultivating in children a sense of something — be it nature, the divine, or the inherent humanity of others — greater than ourselves that drives us to do good. What would it mean if schools could help children become more deeply connected to themselves and understand more deeply their connectedness to others?
Schools should be places where children and adults find purpose and meaning. That seems to me to be a deeply spiritual endeavor. I wish there was a term other than spirituality to describe what I’m talking about because people in schools, for understandable reasons, tend to freak out when they hear the word. Let’s get a new word. Maybe that’s what my idea can trigger!
Can you please give us your favorite “Life Lesson Quote”? Can you share how that was relevant to you in your life?
One of my beloved mentors is a huge Mary Oliver fan, and she introduced me to Oliver’s poem “The Summer Day,” which contains the famous line, “Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?” Oh, there is so much in that one line!
I feel so grateful for knowing my purpose, and so much of my work in education, whether it be with children or adults, is about creating spaces where others can discover their purpose. Mary Oliver reminds us that we only have one go-round on this planet, so I do not want to spend my limited time on earth feeling guilty, ashamed, regretful, or doubtful of myself. That’s not the way that I want to honor the precious gift of my life.
Now, that is not to say that I don’t feel all of those things — sometimes all at once! But I am able to consistently bring myself back to myself, if that makes sense. Living a purposeful life is a daily practice.
Is there a person in the world, or in the US whom you would love to have a private breakfast or lunch with, and why? He or she might just see this, especially if we tag them. 🙂
Not very original, but I really need to meet Barack Obama. I don’t even need lunch. Just let me touch the hem of his garment! I joke, but there is something about the power of someone’s aura. It’s the reason people would line the streets to see the Pope or JFK just for a few seconds. President Obama is far from perfect, but for me right now, he is the embodiment of possibility and of hope. I feel like we are in need of that right now.
